Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot.
Sometimes I just space out. More now than ever before... people will be talking to me and I'll start listening and then it's just like I'm watching a movie but can't hear the sound. And in my head I'm thinking of somethime completely different, usually a memory and I don't understand it. Sometimes I really think something is wrong with me. But I'm sure if I actually slept, and perhaps didn't think so much it would never happen. Someone told me earlier today that even when I'm right there in front of them, that I'm not really there. It makes me think of The Secret Window. Even though that movie is awesome and it has a twist, he is completely insane. I only hope that does't happen to me. I don't want to start making up people in my life and have them do things that I can't do myself.
You know when you hear an old song, or smell , or even someones voice and it reminds you of the past? Well that happends to me alot now. My heart leaps from my chest right into my throat, it should probably build a second home there. It somewhat feels like you're going to trow up. I don't know what to do. And lately I've been feeling that way ALOT more than usual. I can't quite grasp anything worth holding on to. Everything is just another HUGE leap away. Everything is just "a little more Brittany, just alittle more..." I don't understand how much that is :/
Another problem I am having right now is the fact that I am acting on my feelings. Whatever I feel at the moment I say or do. And saying usually hurts people, and doing well that always hurts me the worst. Although I actually do want to do these things it always hurts me. It's like when you care about someone so much and act on it, even when you know that it's not the same for the other person. Even though you know it will only hurt me in the long run. I can handle NOT doing it. I have no idea whats wrong with me, and at the same time I do and I'll never admit it. Lets just say I always want what I can't have. Always. I really wish that one day I can finally walk away from this, or finally figure it all out. I love how it is right now, but I still feel something missing.
ALSO most of my friends think that I don't make enough time for them. But I am busy. It's hard as fuck. Hard, hard, hard as fuck. I can only make SOOO much time for everyone. I have work, school, friends and I have to make time for studying and alone time. But the only time I am ever alone is when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I can never sleep. All I can do is run. I hate running, I'm not a run-er. So I guess I'll have to sit here and rack my brain out and try to make some sense of all this.
Please don't read this and judge me, please.
You know when you hear an old song, or smell , or even someones voice and it reminds you of the past? Well that happends to me alot now. My heart leaps from my chest right into my throat, it should probably build a second home there. It somewhat feels like you're going to trow up. I don't know what to do. And lately I've been feeling that way ALOT more than usual. I can't quite grasp anything worth holding on to. Everything is just another HUGE leap away. Everything is just "a little more Brittany, just alittle more..." I don't understand how much that is :/
Another problem I am having right now is the fact that I am acting on my feelings. Whatever I feel at the moment I say or do. And saying usually hurts people, and doing well that always hurts me the worst. Although I actually do want to do these things it always hurts me. It's like when you care about someone so much and act on it, even when you know that it's not the same for the other person. Even though you know it will only hurt me in the long run. I can handle NOT doing it. I have no idea whats wrong with me, and at the same time I do and I'll never admit it. Lets just say I always want what I can't have. Always. I really wish that one day I can finally walk away from this, or finally figure it all out. I love how it is right now, but I still feel something missing.
ALSO most of my friends think that I don't make enough time for them. But I am busy. It's hard as fuck. Hard, hard, hard as fuck. I can only make SOOO much time for everyone. I have work, school, friends and I have to make time for studying and alone time. But the only time I am ever alone is when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I can never sleep. All I can do is run. I hate running, I'm not a run-er. So I guess I'll have to sit here and rack my brain out and try to make some sense of all this.
Please don't read this and judge me, please.