Everything means more now than words could explain
I keep trying to start writing this and I do not get very far. Something seems to have changed in how I feel about everything. I am looking at everything in a different way and I am having the hardest time grasping what exactly is different. I can use some vague words to describe it, but they will not really explain what I want to say. I am going to try to give it justice, though.
Something has affected the way I perceive other people’s actions. I think it is in a more positive way, but I am unsure. It may just be that I am choosing to look at things a different way and I think that is a big part of making any change. The fact that it was somewhat conscious combined with significant enough of a distraction that I was able to act in an unbiased manner and in that regard, I am lucky that I did not knowingly counteract this transformation.
Again, it is hard for me to describe because it is in fact so hard to define what is different. I sort of want to say that I am less negative, but I do not know that I was truly negative to begin with and I do not think I have changed much that way. I prefer to think of myself as a realist in its purest form. I am not a dream crusher, but I will not encourage something I believe to be impossible, either. I will draw upon optimism when I feel that it is appropriate.
I often find myself in conflicting states in which I cannot make my mind up, but simultaneously I believe that I must express continuity. At the same time I am able to convince myself that I am not in fact really changing any core beliefs, so I am still the same. Why is there such a need for stasis? I want something to remain permanent. I guess in this world I am not going to find much that will last forever. I have probably thrown these words around before, but every once in awhile, I forget and start to get frustrated because I have begun my search again, only to once again come to the conclusion that my search for something here on Earth that will last is futile.
What I have to realize is that I cannot concentrate on the termination of something every time a new thing begins. There is a certain finality in every action, but we can enjoy the results and be aware that there will be new actions, maybe not exactly the same, but similar enough that we can find comfort in the sort of alternative for what may have been familiar, but has only been worn over time and perhaps discovered to be something that it may not have appeared as before.
Why should I be thinking about this all right now? I have to be aware that my false hope is not indeed false hope. Hope involves believing that something can happen and when I believe that something can happen, that does not mean that it necessarily will, but that the possibility is there. I do not believe you can truly hope for something that you do not believe will happen. I have probably contradicted something that I have put within an older entry in this, but I am talking about what I think now, not then. This is a very small aspect of the change that has occurred. I am sorry I cannot be more specific. Perhaps in time I will understand, once I am able to rely more upon hindsight.