Braving the Mall--I Recruit Reinforcements and Survive, but Fail at Ultimate Objective
One of myh friends sent me an e-mail from a spammer using both my brother's and my first names. Weird. I rarely see my name in print, actually. Most recently there was a character with my name (spelled 'correctly') in a crappy book from the library that I picked up mainly because the authorspelled her name "Danyel" and I was intrigued to see if a Danyel could write The Great American Novel. That may sound snotty, but I simply don't know of any fantastic writers named Tiffany, Brittany, or Michaela. At least, not yet. What's in a name, anyway?
I think, not having seen the film "Glitter," that it was still roughly the same concept. I've picked up a lot of "for black readers by black authors" books in the past few months hoping to find another Terry McMillan (okay) or Alice Walker (good) or Maya Angelou (cultural ibnstitution) and [insert list here of African-American authors and non-white, non-Hispanic, non-Asian, non-Native American authors who don't hail from either Africa or the United States but still get lumped in under "African-American" labels anyway) and it's (generally speaking) just not my bag. A few really sterling counter-examples here and there, but overall, our libvrary has a dismal selection or I lack the cultural sensibility to truly appreciate most of the books. There's a genre of chick lit known as "fuck and shop" (Bridget Jones is a known exampleof same, light on shopping, heavy on boinking or desire for same). The library finds have been F&S books, many in a romo-porn format (wookin pa nub in all the wrong places, as SNL would put it), with the same ills that beset white F&S books remaining intact, except with more references to music I dislike (I do not idolize Chris Cross OR Christopher Cross, I do not pine for Peaches & Herb), clothes I dislike (Kimora Lee Simmons, I'm looking at you), and "hot" guys behaving more reprehensively and being
described for attributes I'm not interested in. It bugs me, as it shouldn't, perhaps, that the "hottest" guys in these genres tend to be the lightest-skinned. It bugs me, because if you are going to go out of your way to self-identify as a proud black woman, it seems weird to glorify black heroes who could pass for tanned Caucasians. I don't really have the right to comment on it other than it's not for me, this genre. But I continue to seek it out, because when I do find a breathtakingly well-written book in this genre that isn't an F&S book thinly (or not so) disguised, I'm thrilled, and disappointed I had to read so much dreck to uncover it. I barely tolerate 99% of white F&S books as it is.
So how are you guys handling the holidaze? As usual, I'm Scroogey McGrinch, but doing my best to be pleasant and keep it as much to myself as possible. Here in the Bible Belt, I'm just waiting for someone to personally pick a fight with me about "the war on Christmas" because if those people think Christmas is in danger of any sort should well-meaning folks say "Happy holidays" or "Xmas" instead of shoving The Baby Jaysus down our throats 24/7, I think I will have to punch a bitch. It's inescapable in the crappy local paper (it's best for picking out gross grammar and spelling errors and pretending to be a fair and balanced portrayal of current national and local news). There is no war on Christmas, and it won't make the Baby Jesus cry if we actually stick to the principles the country was founded on, e.g. separation of church and state and freedom of (if not, alas, FROM) religion. The Jesus was a long-haired, peace-lovin', from-all-reports awesome Jewish son of a blue collar carpenter. I don't think he would have voted for Bush, but stranger things have happened. So who knows? There's a Vox Populi feature in the paper, wherein disgruntled rednecks (or so I assume, given the commentsI've read) air their views one-sidedly and unchallenged, and they are UP IN ARMS about this so-called War On Christmas and how they won't shop at stores that acknowledge that Jewish people and Taoists, Hindus and Muslims and Pagans actually might exist and be having celebrations that do not celebrate Christ. What's wrong with "Happy Holidays" anyway? On the other hand, being a pain in the butt because someone dares to say "Merry Xmas" to me isn't part of my agenda either. A simple "Why, thanks...you, too!" doesn't hurt anyone. My beliefs are rather unique unto myself anyway and have room in them to accept everyone else's.
Here's where I'd rant about the Jehovah's Witnesses again, but I already did that. They seem to be egged on whenever people feel the urge to display holiday-themed decor in their yards. We had a heavy rash of them around Hallowe'en and they're baaaa-aaack and leaving tracts on my door again, which may not-so-coincidentally coincide with the fact that I unScrooged enough to put up a small fibre-optic Christmas shrub in the living room. The whole impetus behind the sect was this guy Charles Haze (I believe) who believed that the world was coming to an end in 1914. When that didn't happen, he said oops, I meant 1918. The it was 1923, then 1941, 1975, then 2000 (and probably 2001, too) and, well, world's still here. We're doing our darndest to kill it off, but it's fighting back tooth and nail, several thousands of new extinct species a year and a fookin' 'uge hole in the ozone layer nonwithstanding. Maybe the Mayans were onto something and the world is due to go poof in 2016. Then again, they were never figured out that wheels could be used for things other than children's pull-toys, and there aren't any Mayans left running about to ask, so you have to wonder about their foresight and perspicacity. If you want to get Bible-geeky, Haze apparently missed the parts of the Bible where Christ said none would know the hour of his return (Matthew 25:13 and many other similar comments). I had to look up the exact location of the quote, but you'd think that someone forming a religion based on scripture would have managed not to overlook the multiple references to this very topic. So the JWs are back at it, and I'm plotting a Rube Goldberg-style device that will drop a bowling ball on the heads of JWs leaving tracts after being asked face-to-face to cease and desist, but which won't kill my poor overworked mail delivery people or the pizza guy. Suggestions welcomed. Lack of tackiness that would lower property values preferred.
So I went to the Mall. To arms, to arms! Loins girded! Epsom salts waiting at home for my return! Adult beverage ingredients in the freezer, should I need to Break Bottle In Case Of Emergency. I have learned to tune out muzak for the most part, which is a new and welcome discovery. My brain would hear it, think "ugh" and promptly relegate it to a minor background irritation. Only thing I couldn't blockout was the rap crap in some of the boutique stores. Mostly because it was loud and apparently baby Jesus doesn't mind profanity-enhanced Xmas tunage.
Went shopping with classmate Nari today and the mall was one big Kimora Lee Simmons Baby Phat fest. Super ugly stuff, for the most part. Imagine, if you will, matching shoes and back incorporating not only red patent pleather, leopard print, gold hardware, rhinestones AND dyed black bunny fur. The shoes had clear plastic stiletto heels. It was like being beat down with Precious Moments figurines in a strip club. Just...wrong. I went in with an open mind, because the woman has to be a bajillionaire, and something she designs has to not suck. I think I saw one t-shirt thatdidn't horrify me (I kind of like the cat logo on its own). Everything else was one (or ten) details too many. They couldn't just stop at one "special" thing. If you have to have leopard, maybe you can lay off the sequins. If you have to have patent pleather, must it be red? With maribou trim?
For a 20-something-year-old boy-type person, Nari tolerates his gal buds looking at clothes. Also, I gushed over a grey thinwale cord jacket in one guy shop and he promptly bought it, so I guess he trusts my taste. He's in my major and we are apparently on about the same track and keep having classes together and bond over grouchy anti-Bush and anti-fundie mutterings in the courtyard. Unlike this other
person I barely know who drives me crazy by flirting aggressively with me (SO not interested...won't rehash all that, but this would be Mr Touchy-Feely, someone I've never had a class or long conversation with even once), I sense nothing more than friendliness and respect from Nari. If he has any crushy feelings, which I don't believe he does (thankfully), he's not being annoying about it. I did wonder when I started getting multiple phone calls per month. Then I remembered that my circle of pals in Atlanta used to do the same thing and I never blinked, and the age difference was, in some cases, even greater, so I'm okay with assuming it's just the appeal of like-minded crankiness that keeps him coming back for more of that good, good stuff. I give good rant. I'm so fucking pleasant about it, apparently. Also, not so convinced that I am RIGHT about everything. I just have strongly-defined preferences. The fact that I talk to Nari despite the presence of a Slipknot bumper sticker proves that. He gets all kinds of shit for that. Slipknot. I ask you. Oy vey.
He needed his battery jumped today so I drove waaaay out to where he lives (this would be NOTHING in Atlanta, where "waaaay out" means a 2-3 hour drive to the burbs; here it means going over a bridge or two and takes less than 25 minutes door-to-door during rush hour) and I mentioned how much I dreaded Xmas shopping (I would normally do it all in a day, but I am not even half done and I'm going crazy, I have no clue what to do this year) and suggested we team up so he could get his shoes and I could attempt to Xmas shop kamikazi style and get it DONE and we could be mutually distracted from Xmas overkill, and it worked brilliantly except for the me getting it all done part. Alas. I must gear up and hold my nose and jump back in at least once more. Happily, the shopping hordes were not as horrible as they have been in years past. Some rude stroller people, but not much more. Stroller people block aisles and let their sprogs screech unattended and run up over your heels and then bark at you (if they acknowledge that you're hopping around holding one foot with tears in your eyes in the first place) for getting in their way, for clarification. No long waits at registers. No fighting over anything I was of a mind to consider purchasing or aggressive fundies up in mah grill. My feet and back still hurt, though. And I have to go back out there and fight the good fight for wrapping paper and MORE gifts. I don't know if I can face it tomorrow but time is fleeting. Several years in a row I shopped on Dec 23rd or online and got it all done, but this year I was waiting for money to come in. I am worried that starting slightly more early may have jinxed me. The year flew by. December needs more weeks. Can we have Xmas in mid-January instead?
Got half the estate settlement this week. Realized that I could buy two new cars with the money or a modest bungalow. Panicked a little bit. Promptly went to Bank of America and set up a retirement/savings plan with it. A small chunk is earmarked for sustenance, a new laptop, and other needs I've neglected for five years. Me being innumerate, I didn't set aside enough to do much, but it's probably better to err on the side of caution. Another bigger chunk is due next year, with which I hope to eradicate all my debts, pay off (or down on) school loans, finance a move back to Atlanta, etc. Actually bought myself stuff today. Not much luck with Xmas shopping, though mom & brother are taken care of. Mostly. I have four kids to buy for (my SIL and her 3 younger siblings), two inlaws to get a thoughtful goodie for, three-four sets of neighbors who have gone out of their way to be helpful, three atlanta friends making noises about gift exchanges this year (which is fine) and I'd like to get Woozle a bigger cage. The little bit of money I allowed myself to access to is tied up until at least Friday the 23rd, though, so my shopping is all with CafePress profit checks so far. Which aren't great. I figure I'd best sock the $ away before I got adjusted to the idea of having several tens of thousands at my disposal. Kind of intimidating to realize I could go buy a new car or two (though not, alas, a couple of Lamborghinis or Jaguars). Not that I want or need a new car. So I socked it away ASAP. I'm tempting fate to have a little chunk left for anticipated needs, such as pants that fit me and a laptop that works. Really annoyed that Win is coming out withy a new operating system before I even have XP, the bastards, fretting over whether my copy of Photoshop will upgrade since I lost the disks (super expensive disks, might I add). Have NO CLUE what laptop to get, my goal is to get as much space, processor speed, and memory as well as as many USB ports as possible...whatever I can afford so I don't have to think about it for snother five years or more. Top of the line is $3500. GAH! Unbelievable. I don't think so. I'm getting all kinds of conflicting information about what company to buy from (leaning towards Lenovo due to customer happiness points and Dell due to ubiquity of add-ons and service available, but I hear a lot about bad customer service). Was tempted to go back to Apple, but I have several thou of Win software and think I'd be foolish to spend that much, as Apples run higher, service is harder to find, and the software replacement would make a $1500 laptop cost $6000+. *sigh* And now I only know one Apple user who *might* be willing to help me with yo-ho-ho'ing my way to re-building necessary software for the Apple OS and she doesn't use high-end web-creation or graphics software packages. Plus, we'd both have major guilt spasms.
Bank of America isn't my first choice in banks, as they suck and have bollocksed my accounts before, but suddenly as a Premiere Investment Customer, all is love and light and pretty roses coming my way. Free checking, here's my business card, let me shake your hand, can I get you something to drink, 'you're so pretty, did you know you're pretty? You are! You Are!! Pretty Customer!!' and this and that. I have a personal contact, or three, and I do know from other family members that BofA coddles the customers WITH money. Weird to think of myself in that category. Frankly, I'm NOT in that category. At my age, I don't think I really qualify as "with money" even with these payouts. See, auntie was a millionaire and after distribution, what little the relations didn't manage to steal (they ravaged most of the other elderly folks' estates, from what I understand, bought property for a dollar, anything to keep it flowing towards my 3 first cousins and crazy aunt) but poor aunt May was out of her mind even fifteen years ago and her estate was padlocked. That's the only reason we got anything. I'm not ungrateful for it! I'm just incredibly surprised. My paternal grandparents either left us nothing or we never got what the will said we were supposed to get. Not sure how we offended these grandparents that we only saw once a year or less for eight years. They lived closer to us than my maternal grandparents, who were like supplemental parents more than grands. The contrast is a bit crazy.
I sat down and figured and I think my total debt load, personally and otherwise, is about 6-7K. So next year I should be completely debt-free, with MFA in hand or nearly so, and a small chunk of money invested at a minimum of 9% interest. I may starve in the now because it's deliberately locked out of reach so I don't get stuck eating catfood in my old age, but if I don't, I'll be able to afford ramen instead of Fancy Feast.
I know I'm stupid about money unless, ironically enough, I have some. I don't shop except for groceries and toiletries and pet stuff. I don't travel. I don't upgrade my car. I have no property. That's another possibility for the payout check next year. I just don't know. My goal would be to be debt free and to have a job with a decent paycheck coming in before messing about with buying something, but living rent free down here (I pay heavily in other, less quantifiable ways, believe you me) makes me loathe to pay $10-$12k a year to live in something I don't own equity in. If that's the right way to put it. I don't even know if equity is the right word. This is why I now have some financial advisors who will sit down with and educate me every couple of months. I need this. I had difficulty with algebra, you know.
I did buy some frivolous shoes from Payless. Boots I needed, workaday low-ish heels in a red-brown-burgundy, then two pairs of completely frivolous satin Payless shoes. I have not bought shoes, other than $9 Payless loafers, $2 flipflops/sandals or $25 running shoes for work, since the 1990s. Bought those only because the 20-year-old shoes they replaced had died. (I'm not counting $4 Chinese flats that my toes would poke through within a few months. You can skip lunch and afford Chinese flats, which I have done...oh, shoes are holey, must give up a meal somewhere along the line this week and then that problem will be remedied!) Or earlier. My feet have grown a half size or widened or done something equally annoying and so pretty much all of my current old shoes hurt. Maybe I just have crappy feet. Stupid flat feet. Stupid collapsible arches. Stupid, stupid owies. My heels blister if you look at them cross-eyed. Sucks. I did make sure my new workaday winter boots and day shoes had the Stacy London "What Not To Wear" approved masochistic pointy toes. :) If I must, I'll stuff the toes with cotton balls. Beauty is pain. And I'll still attempt to wear those of my old shoes that hurt less, but I've gotten smarter about it: if and when they REALLY hurt, they go to Salvation Army bins so I don't forget they hurt. Which I have done. If they are cute, I conveniently forget that they are Cruel Shoes [tm Steve Martin]. I'll be wearing my old unfashionable clunky shoes for another 20 years until they go in and out of style three more times or until they fallaprt or until they REALLY hurt.
I couldn't find a pair of black pointy workaday shoes, but I suppose I will. I can't buy expensive shoes that will only end up hurting, though I tried that once upon a time, thinking that MAYBE my shoes hurt because they were cheap. Turns out that expensive shoes hurt just as much, they just are more difficult to donate to charity because, damn, those were expensive goddamned shoes. So, yeah, they'll be cheap but serviceable. Four pairs of shoes for $50? Including boots? Not bad. And I have to say that Payless shoes (and Naturalizers and 9 West and Jones of New York (expensive-ish) and Aigner (used to be expensive-ish and in style) actually hurt less and last longer than most others I've tried. I have to give points for that. It post $9.99, but if you divide the hours I was able to wear them by the cost, it comes out to about ten cents a year. Hooray for penny-pinching. And people actually have gushed over the cuteness of my shoes in the past. Go figure.
So my big plans for frivolity and necessity include black shoes, a laptop, a VHS/DVD (I have seen some for about $60, which doesn't pain me too much), a universal remote (mine is dying), and pants. I'm also on the lookout for coloured velvet jackets and some school/work tops, but I still feel bad about buying clothes. I just need some that fit. Life as an art student is hard on clothes. Becaue black goes with black, I look like a goth wannabe or like I'm in mourning all the time. Not that this is a horriblething. So, yeah, today I got shoes. I have four pairs of pants that fit me, and one has a hem that needs sewing, one has a tear in the leg and is velvet (it was 80 degrees today! Damn, Savannah, could you be more uncomfortable? it is DECEMBER), and two are pin-pleat palazzos from when Expresssold those in, like, 1989. I feel fat. *sigh* My normal mode when I used to shop was to buy pricey pants and jackets and cheap tops and shoes (if I didn't have crappy feet, I'd invest in good shoes) but since I don't plan on being whatever size I am now forever (last time I was much bigger than this, then I got mad and lost the weight in less than 6 months, so it can be done), it makes no sense in my mind to buy nice, fitted pants that I'm going to wear for everything and then be too skinny for a few months later. Cheap tops are good, though. They tend to be trendier and I don't feel badly when I stop wearing them.
Went through a closet purge and realized I had stuff from high school still lurking about, some of which still fit (scary!) but it will never be back in style (or, even if it is, I won't wear it--apparently the ugly aspects of the 1980s are back, but not so much the faux-Victorian and faux-Edwardian jackets, though I have seen some corsety stuff and lace overlays...losts of arm and leg warmers and rubber bracelets and hot pink and acid green and checks and sloppy layers and bubble skirts from Hell). Salvation Army is getting a lot of cheap oversized blazers from Lerner (remember boyfriend jackets?) that I bought under protest when I worked in retail and my manager was a trailer-dweller who pretty much pointed at the clothes we sold that she expected us to wear to promote the store (NOT Lerner...think Bad Spiegel). You can only do so much under those circumstances, and, alas, these are jackets that have no darting or shaping, they are just big blocks of unflattering polyester. There WERE no natural fibres in the entire store. As a poor person with my first real office job, out came the least puke-some of these jackets. You wouldn't believe how many people asked me where I got them, and were serious about wearing the same thing. Unbelievable. I KNEW they were vile, and my officemates LIKED them. Better than the alternative, where I think I'm hot stuff and everyone else is snickering up their sleeves about the poor ignorant gal who deliberately goes around looking like a polyester potato sack. I was also about a size 4 at the time, and twigs can get away with a lot of fashion faux pas. I eventually figured that out once I was a normal size for m height. Someone will get good use of them, though. If only for Halloween or a craft project. I have a LOT of cheap teeshirts that have to go, too. I had no idea I had so many "unwearable" oversized t-shirts. I held back a bunch for nightshirts or those that have some meaning to me.
I'm boring myself. Sorry. I make no bones about not being fashionable or, usually, interested at all in fashion. I wear what I like, I am incredibly lucky that the vast majority of people I know think I look okay (or at least don't mock me to my face), and I tend to pick up on fashion trends while existing in a vacuum of sorts. I had an urge to get some leopard-print pumps and didn't, but they were everywhere I went today. My feelings about what's in: leopard print boots and shoes, pants with a rise that actually suits your body, and hopefully less low than before; laced-up stuff; lace overlays; muted dusty colours; shimmer is becoming even more acceptable for day; bigger and uglier bags; toe cleavage-baring pointy shoes (I hate the toe cleavage thing); dark tights (not white, not nude, not freaky colours); raiding the 80s if you're really young, raiding the 70s if you are in college, raiding the 90s if you're a skate rat, and drawing from fabrics and colour schemes and peep-toe shoes of the 40s, cardigans and full skirts and halter neckliness and floral prints from the 50s, Mod patterns and "Jackie O" swing coats and Bakelite bangles and hoop earrings from the 60s, and I hate the enormous plastic and wood necklaces and huge belts but they're in, too. Out: leopard print anything other than shoes or bags, boxy, assymetrical hems, mesh overlay, fringe, ditsy jewelry, round-toes shoes and clunky heels, horizontal stripes, etc. Basically, I'm better at "in" than "out" because I tend to think things that are ugly are out and I wear what I want regardless of "in"-ness. I nod in the general direction of In and avoid being head-to-toe unfashionable, but, generally speaking, I do what I want. People are used to it by now.
No other astounding news. Some good books I've read. Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clark. Re-read some Palahniuk, some Jane Smiley. Sixpence House, Paul Collins.
Anyway--if you know which chains / department stores are selling nice velvety jackets in pretty colours, let me know. Maybe Burlingtn coat factory (I don't know that we have one here, I don't shop). Target had some nice designer pieces, but the last Isaac shirt I got (back when he first appeared in Target) was so poorly made and so lowcut that I needed a special bra and it stretched out and became obscene. Bad shirt. Always on the hunt for black stretchy-drapey pants, too. They don't make them in non-crappy fabrics lately. My fave pair is ancient and is holding up okay, but microfibre can only do so much. New ones I have tried are spongey, polyester, elastic-waisted GROSS horrors. And too short.
Any advice on transferring Photoshop from 98SE to XP (which flavor, there's, like, five kinds) and suggestions about laptops is welcomed. I think I'm going to have to poll-a-geek in January when I'm back at school. I'd REALLY prefer not to pirate Photoshop, even though I bought it fair and square, for two different OSes even, but if I get really stuck, some folks at school like me enough that when I discussed possibly upgrading, sone hinted a bit that Photoshop might maybe be available if I can't get it any other way but shh didn't hear that shh. 'Kay. I hope I find my stupid CDs.
And that's it. I'll be joining the new millenium tech-wise (my profs keep asking us to watch DVDs and I can't--my laptop has the drive but not enough memory or power to run most of them and I have no DVD player otherwise--so I'm biting the bullet). My VCR is dyring and trying to eat tapes, so it's time. My stereo is likewise being hateful, but I've gotten out of the habit of listening to music at home, mostly because it's such a pain in the arse now (and 90% of my CDs are being trucked back and forth to the radio station for Britpoptarts The Radio Show every week...can't find shit, everything I don't want to listen to is beautifully stored, organized and alphabetized, though). Oh, that was the other thing. I looked at accessories for the iAudio. Hopefully I'll find some external speakers that work with it. I did see a $60 clock radio / nature sounds or Chinese acupuncture session noise/Cd/radio/input jack for iPod-type MP3 players/snooze/blah unit which might work. My current alarm I now sleep through. I am still sleeping like the dead. I have trained myself to sleep with lights and noise so well that I sleep through my alarm and the phone, both of which are two feet from m ear. Bad form. Also, current alarm was bought in 1981. It's starting to show its great age and decriptude. It's so small and handy, though. *sigh*
I don't know if I was smart or dumb to lock up my cash until it is too late to do anything Xmassy with it. I'm in an awkward position because my whole family knows I got a check and for how much, but I really don't have a big budget for Xmas because I promptly removed temptation. Also, if I do spend anything on them, they bitch me out, knowing my financial situation sucks. The only thing I really like about Xmas is giving people the perfect gifts whenever I can, so I'm stuck between possibly being perceived as not spending enough or getting bitched out for spending too much. I hope to get my Salvation Army-bound stuff donated / tossed / in order and do normal human being things like buy Xmas cards for everyone and eggnog next year. I can't find anything. What I can find is decrepit. It's irritating. When I get back from Atlanta, I'll be able to afford stamps. SO excited about that. I probably should have bought stamps instead of shoes.
The temptation to run away to London and hope for the best was definitely a factor. Had to sock that crap away before I did something foolish. I just hate my existence right now, and only recently am I seeing some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. If I survive next quarter's classes (both are going to be incredibly difficult, oy), I think most if not all of my further studies, other than studio and portfolio, are electives. Technically I could get credit for Basketweaving 101 (well, fiber arts), but I know me, I'm going to choose something like digital photography or painting or illustration instead. I couldn't waste the money like that. But...I COULD basketweave for credit, which takes the pressure off. By this time next year, that it. My 45 hour review is due, well, now. I assume I'll be swcheduled for it in March or April. Afraid. Not 100% excited by my work, though I've been graded well for it. Comparing self with prodigies in my midst, I guess. It's going to be incredibly stressful for the next few months. Gah. But, if all goes well, I won't have to fight outdated technology for much longer. Which is good.