Two Years Later
My last entry was about heartbreak. Apparently I've changed a lot since then. I was oh-so-worried about a man I was with for 3 years...not realizing that I was never meant to be with him anyways. I realize now, it was about the comfort. The familiar.
It's also been 1.3 years since I lost one of my best friends. I miss him a lot lately but I stil won't enter into the Country Style or the Uxbridge Blockbuster. The sad truth is...our chapter was over after 8 years. He was angry with me and maybe he needed that. Maybe without my blunt honesty he believe in himself more. Maybe without worrying about me, he worries about himself more. But I still wonder. How is it after years and years of platonic friendship, even sleeping in the same bed together, does one suddenly have feelings for another. Again, I was used to the familiar. And once someone is in the friend zone, I can't take them out of it.
I recently met a man. Who broke down my shell. After the 1st man left the scene after I fell 50 ft from our apartment then complained that he had to spend 7 hours in a questioning room....I wasn't exactly open to love after that. Because I knew firsthand that he said "love you" almost every day...and didn't even show up at the hospital. I was in there for 3 months.
So my new knight in shining armour's name is Dave. But first a little history. Since 6 months after my fall and the whole healing process, I jumped back on the dating wagon pretty quickly.
I dated Charlie. My friend/sometimes roommate when things were back with the ex Amber's longtime friend. He was...Italian and loved to eat. He was a little arrogant and pompous. He made you feel stupid when you said the wrong thing. He was also the type of guy that would pick you up and take you out on an expensive dinner date. Like to Milestones. He was also a brilliant mechanic who more than once assisted me on car issues. For example, the time he stopped in the fix my door that wouldn't close and ever since I know how to fix it. He started hanging out with a 15 yr old, because his friend Mark was dating a 15-yr old. And I KNEW before it ever happened that he would end up sleeping with her. At the time, he was I think 24, I was 22 or 23. I stopped calling him 2-3 weeks before confirming he did in fact have intentions to do something with this girl. He told me I didn't make him a "priority" in my life. Then months later whilst returning his books, he said he wasn't big enough for me. As in down there big. Yes, he was extremely small...BUT that wasn't my concern. I think my biggest thing was I didn't have any confidence around him and I wasn't over what happened with the last guy.
Then there was Jeff...again. Jeff enters and exits me life constantly. I've known him since I was 16. I'm 24 now. Every two years I meet up with him for coffee and I end up thinking I like him again. Except the last time...Jeff was supposed to take me out on a date...to the bar...where my brother was...and he picked me up DRUNK! Then he said he didn't want me to drive because my car was too old for him. Materialist. Then I learned quickly how to drive standard in his Civic, and on the way home, after a whole night of him talking about his ex, he tells me to get out of the car that I'm DRIVING (which I should have let him get out and kept driving) because he's LOADED and all for saying "I know we're seeing each other but it IS okay to talk about Leslie." I stopped the car and got out, with one of his jackets. And started walking while in the middle of nowhere outside of Beaverton. He sped past me after literally every 2 minutes going from psycho mad to apologetic and sweet. I let him leave me there. After a couple minutes, I heard the roar of his exhaust system come back to me. It was freezing so I got in the car and I didn't see a single car coming to hitchike. Got back to my car. And closed my driver's door on him to leave. My brother (this is supposed to be the guy that protects me but he actually just causes trouble for everyone) apparently ALSO told him I was still with Charlie! How nice and very untrue.
The next time I saw Jeff was months later, when I think I needed a confidence boost and he always had a habit of making me feel better. Then of course, worse. We had been just hanging out. Going to the lake. Going for drives. I had by then acquired a Cavalier as opposed to a Sundance. He was excited about this. Yet, not satisfied at the same time. One thing I can say about Jeff, he was excellent in bed. After a long, hard night, his alarm awoke us at 7 am. I turned to press snooze and ended up pressing the hour button. We woke up again and he started SNAPPING about how I screwed up his career in drilling (which he later screwed up because he got caught a 3rd time for drunk driving). When I couldn't take the yelling anymore, I ended up walking out to the living room, and he shoved a couch cushion in my face, asking if it smelled like cat piss. In other words, you know what you do when your dog pees on your floor and rub its nose in it? That's what he did. He said I closed the closet door where the cat litter was and this is true, I did do that, but only because the cat litter was in another room the previous weekend. I finally lost it. I stood up and said "Don't you dare treat me like an animal!"; and proceeded to gather my things to leave. He was still yelling at me while I was in the bathroom putting my contacts in. And then said "I just want to hit you right now". 2 inches from his face (with unbrushed teeth) "I'm not the one with a domestic abuse charge on my record". As in "Go ahead, TRY me". The cops showed up and I was about to leave. He said he'd never seen me before that night (all 6-7 years, erased from his memory). But they knew I was the one telling the truth. The dispatcher also gave me hell for giving him 3 strikes. He remains a distant friend now.
And I saw him for 2 weeks after surgery this past July. He went through a RIDE program (which by the way, was in the middle of nowhere) at 160km/hr. Enough said. Danielle picked me up at 2 am. Saving me once again from myself and my stupid mistakes.
After Charlie and Jeff, there was Blake (I think we are about spring 2009 now). Blake was a cute, playful, dirty-minded (in a good fun way), noncommital guy. But he liked to play on words and come out with the most shocking things. He invited me over to play video games and have a couple beers. And that we did. Then he went in for an aggressive all-over-you kiss. Blake didn't last long in my life (as a relationship). He was flaky, and last-minute. He would not call for 2 days and then expect me to come over. I felt like a booty call, but I didn't at the same time because within 2 weeks of it, I just made more and more time for friens and didn't squeezae him in. He complained later that I didn't seem to want to spend time with him and that I wouldn't sleep over. He went to the extent of buying a foam padding for his bed so we would both benefit from it. But yeah, I felt exhausted there. Allergic to the big golden lab who I loved to walk, but also, I just get weird in apartment buildings. Lack of air. He was also a hypocrite. One day he said, I love the au natural look you do and when you throw your hair up. The next week was, I think a girl should spend some time in the morning on her hair and make-up. I do a little of both. I brush it, blow dry it quickly and throw on a bit of foundation and some eyeliner and eyeshadow. What more so you want? Blake and I's sex life was okay. He was far too big for me though. I like an average size. One that doesn't make me go numb. But the sweaty sex was pretty good for the most part. Couple months passed and I tried one more time, between my next relationships and just no...the chemistry, the passion, wasn't there anyways. He remains a friend. I enjoy our phone chats and I still make time to have coffee with him. He said the last time I stopped in that, he wished we had a real relationship, that we never really gave it a shot and he wanted to now. I did give him a shot! He just didn't see it and frankly, I learned from Jeff. Don't bother with second chances when in your gut you know it's a lost cause. Great guy to drink beers with, but for me, I need a reliable man.
On I went. July 1st, I went to my friend Phoenix's birthday party. Her friend Jason is an absolute man-whore. A man whore who is funny and blunt. He literally said "If I like what I see, I'm going to try and get with her". And I was unaware this was his intention. Phoenix was pleading with him to leave me alone. But when we were out of eyesight, he snuck some kisses and grabs. Like I said BLUNT. He was going to go home with another guy but I thought, seeing as how we were ALL having a good time with his company, that I would stop drinking and a few hours later drive him to Orillia. It was Phoenix's birthday also and gat damit that girl needed a night where she didn't have to be responsible mom. On the ride ro Orillia, he said he lost his phone, so I called it on my cell phone. Oddly enough, it was in his lap...I still wonder if he actually lost his phone. He was also a construction worker! Something about a man's man. That night was awesome. We listened to trance/techno the whole way while Phoenix was bopping around happy as a bug in the backseat and then went skinny-dipping in Jason's pool. The two reasons Jason didn't work out. A. He lived about an hour and a half away. And B. He had a bad habit of saying he was single when he wasn't. His ex was coming at 6 am another night I went to visit and he literally told me at 6am.
After attempting a relationship with Jason, there was....someone unmemorable? Oh yes, Scott. He was a supposed "single" guy from work. Who looked absolutely gorgeous to me. His long hair, broad shoulders and overall outdoorsy look made me fantasize. He was actually dating someone during my initial attraction and then told not only me, but one of my co-workers he knew I talked to that he had broken up with her. We went for late-night fires. Drives. Coffee dates. And one night, just hung out at his house, making food and hanging out with Tom. Sexual tension though...that we had. While making out in a hot and heavy fashion in his living room, his mom came downstairs and I hid while he went to the kitchen. My moans even without being touched were pretty loud I guess. Note to self: don't date a guy that lives at home and lies A LOT. He once told me he saw a UFO and when I saw Tom on a later date at the 7/11, he said that the night that supposedly happened, Scott wasn't even around. P.S. Tom was the guy I'd have better luck with, and he said one night "I like you so much better than his ex..you're way cooler". Oh yeah, Scott even told his best friend he broke up with her and didn't.
After Scott, there was Jesse. Another guy from work. Gangster wannabe. Claimed I was a cock tease for not sleeping with him and yeah, that was the end of that. He said this after 2 weeks of not texting or calling him for blowing me off a couple times.
To be continued....I'm almost finished.