(no subject)
"June 20, 2004
The clock hung above the doorway as we threw away our inhibitions, burning ourselves deeper than we expected, tearing down monuments to erect leaning towers. As I came up for air, the hour of fate struck sixteen, but I just dove down again into the sea of your beauty, as you pulled me under yet again, seemingly enjoying this more than I.
I'm sorry I was there. I'm sorry I stayed. I love you, but I cannot trust myself. And now, I can't remember to forget you. I tasted the spice I had been longing for for what seemed like ages, and after the ironic second helping when we were all alone while all the people were there, the spice is still on my tongue and in my throat. Your tongue basted mine in the sweetest tasting marinade, and the impulse shot to my brain, sparking nerves I wasn't sure I had.
But now I've learned not to expect so much. Especially with her: a passerby that cares, that will empathize. So what if I...lust for her...emotionally? You said that one day I would be "gay" and marry a "gay" British man. Well, maybe she's my cheery fag. I...wish that it was possible for these feelings to actually mean something. We never really change.
The truth always hurts. That chord always twists my emotions and plucks the sad string. This is now, and I like it, so who's to tell me to stop?
-Benjamin J. Bradley"
I haven't really learned. I'm still going through the same motions. Same shit, different muse.
I feel like I'm constantly testing myself, and constantly failing. I told my mom today that I was going to drop out of school, and she said that she was disappointed, but not in me...just in the fact that the situation did not go as planned. What will I achieve outside of school? Probably even less than I am now. I'll sit in this house or apartment and not really be able to pay the rent, but somehow make it anyway. I'll get fucked up out of my mind every night, and probably end up dying because of it because I know somewhere deep down subconsciously that's what I want to happen. Just to be in such a state of ecstacy that my body cannot handle it. It's better than dying in a car crash.
I still remember you...and how I ruined your sweet sixteen. We had it so good, and we didn't even know it. Ever since I left you, all I've felt is hurt interspersed with crazy weekends that I thought would change my life forever but just made me too dependent on something that I ended up scaring away. I'm starting to believe that you were the last person to really love me for who I am. I'm sorry I broke your heart because I thought I would grow up in college. Hah. What a joke.
"Would you let me lie here by your side? Would you hold my hand if I closed my eyes? Would you take me there last one more time? Tonight...under the lights...would you be my friend for a while? Would you please pretend that you don't lie? Would you keep me warm if the sun won't shine? Tonight...under the city lights...
Would you be my guide if I am shy? Would you do me things that I don't mind? Would you give me ride that I can fly? Tonight...under the lights...would you treat me right if I am kind? Would you like me more if I can smile? Would you save the tears if I start to cry?"
I used to think I was good at handling life. I'm so emo that it's sickening. Everyday I wake up feeling like I don't want to live. I go to sleep wanting the next day not to happen. I don't want to die, I just want to be free of my chains.
I see all of the beautiful things in life...but I don't feel as though they see me. It's time to do something. Instigate something that will make me achieve the life that I want...make me deserve the good things that will happen to me. Save me, Karma.
Do you judge me as you read this? Do you think that I'm just some sad emo kid who needs to grow up and stop feeling pitiful for himself? Make something of himself? My friends that read this...I know you're tired of me being like this...but I need to get it out of my head. Type it out, write it out, sing it out, play it out, walk it out, love it out, kiss it out, fuck it out, smoke it out, snort it out, vomit it out, fuck it and kiss it out some more, and then breathe. And then love it out some more.
I know that I am a great person. I would help any of my friends over me any day. But I guess there has to be some degree of selfishness in my life for me to feel good about myself. Give myself a leg up also once in a while.
Ever find yourself being negative and think about how beautiful the world is and just laugh at yourself?
Haha. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Hah.
-Bb
The clock hung above the doorway as we threw away our inhibitions, burning ourselves deeper than we expected, tearing down monuments to erect leaning towers. As I came up for air, the hour of fate struck sixteen, but I just dove down again into the sea of your beauty, as you pulled me under yet again, seemingly enjoying this more than I.
I'm sorry I was there. I'm sorry I stayed. I love you, but I cannot trust myself. And now, I can't remember to forget you. I tasted the spice I had been longing for for what seemed like ages, and after the ironic second helping when we were all alone while all the people were there, the spice is still on my tongue and in my throat. Your tongue basted mine in the sweetest tasting marinade, and the impulse shot to my brain, sparking nerves I wasn't sure I had.
But now I've learned not to expect so much. Especially with her: a passerby that cares, that will empathize. So what if I...lust for her...emotionally? You said that one day I would be "gay" and marry a "gay" British man. Well, maybe she's my cheery fag. I...wish that it was possible for these feelings to actually mean something. We never really change.
The truth always hurts. That chord always twists my emotions and plucks the sad string. This is now, and I like it, so who's to tell me to stop?
-Benjamin J. Bradley"
I haven't really learned. I'm still going through the same motions. Same shit, different muse.
I feel like I'm constantly testing myself, and constantly failing. I told my mom today that I was going to drop out of school, and she said that she was disappointed, but not in me...just in the fact that the situation did not go as planned. What will I achieve outside of school? Probably even less than I am now. I'll sit in this house or apartment and not really be able to pay the rent, but somehow make it anyway. I'll get fucked up out of my mind every night, and probably end up dying because of it because I know somewhere deep down subconsciously that's what I want to happen. Just to be in such a state of ecstacy that my body cannot handle it. It's better than dying in a car crash.
I still remember you...and how I ruined your sweet sixteen. We had it so good, and we didn't even know it. Ever since I left you, all I've felt is hurt interspersed with crazy weekends that I thought would change my life forever but just made me too dependent on something that I ended up scaring away. I'm starting to believe that you were the last person to really love me for who I am. I'm sorry I broke your heart because I thought I would grow up in college. Hah. What a joke.
"Would you let me lie here by your side? Would you hold my hand if I closed my eyes? Would you take me there last one more time? Tonight...under the lights...would you be my friend for a while? Would you please pretend that you don't lie? Would you keep me warm if the sun won't shine? Tonight...under the city lights...
Would you be my guide if I am shy? Would you do me things that I don't mind? Would you give me ride that I can fly? Tonight...under the lights...would you treat me right if I am kind? Would you like me more if I can smile? Would you save the tears if I start to cry?"
I used to think I was good at handling life. I'm so emo that it's sickening. Everyday I wake up feeling like I don't want to live. I go to sleep wanting the next day not to happen. I don't want to die, I just want to be free of my chains.
I see all of the beautiful things in life...but I don't feel as though they see me. It's time to do something. Instigate something that will make me achieve the life that I want...make me deserve the good things that will happen to me. Save me, Karma.
Do you judge me as you read this? Do you think that I'm just some sad emo kid who needs to grow up and stop feeling pitiful for himself? Make something of himself? My friends that read this...I know you're tired of me being like this...but I need to get it out of my head. Type it out, write it out, sing it out, play it out, walk it out, love it out, kiss it out, fuck it out, smoke it out, snort it out, vomit it out, fuck it and kiss it out some more, and then breathe. And then love it out some more.
I know that I am a great person. I would help any of my friends over me any day. But I guess there has to be some degree of selfishness in my life for me to feel good about myself. Give myself a leg up also once in a while.
Ever find yourself being negative and think about how beautiful the world is and just laugh at yourself?
Haha. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Hah.
-Bb