(no subject)
You walk down Alameda looking at the cracks in the sidewalk
Thinking about your friends
How you maintain all them in a constant state of suspense
For your own protection over their affection
Nobody broke your heart
You broke your own because you can't finish what you start
Walk down Alameda brushing off the nightmares you wish
Could plague me when I'm awake
And now you see your first mistake was thinking that you could relate
For one or two minutes she liked you
But the fix is in
Thanks, Elliott, for writing a song about me...and everyone else.
Okay, so, I was going to try to pinpoint my problem...but, that does not really matter.
One time I was hurt. But before that I was in what I called love. I was fifteen. I didn't even know who this girl was...but for some reason we clicked. We were going to get married eventually...we were sure of it. We swore off drugs, alcohol, hatred...any vices. Then, after a solid year and a half never spending any time apart from her, for some reason she decided she'd find someone else and fuck him. After I told her I was not ready. I realized afterwards that I knew nothing about her. Hah, I bet I haven't told any of you this, have I? I suppose I do not speak of it, to avoid playing the my-life-is-worse-than-yours game.
So, I have been living my life in search of that again? Is that it? Or am I so scared of it happening again that somehow I cause it to happen over and over?
I find myself thinking of her. Who is she now? She is a racist druggie that lives in Cabot with the guy she found after me. She started drinking and smoking and fucking right after we broke up.
Is it the people that we hold so close that hold us back from doing things the reason we become permiscuous and addictive after we're free of them? Probably, but there's something more. Who knows what it is.
I guess my point is that while our past does make us who we are and it does haunt us, we should never let it control our lives and cause us fear. Although I do believe that I have become the person that I am because I have let my past control my decisions, I also believe that I can make myself a better person by learning from my past and changing the present and the future to make myself stronger, more resilient, and loving.
I have never been abused; I have never been a cutter; I have never had the events of life torture me in such a way that I am permanently, emotionally or physically, fucked. The closest I have come to trauma is my parents breaking up when I was four and being abandoned when I was sixteen. People like me must, and hopefully do, realize that it is a significantly easier task to take the past into account and move on from it.
I go outside and I sit on my back porch and I smoke a cigarette, right after having taken a shower and having brused my teeth. I praise my loving mother, my loving friends, and my loving self. I do not hate myself for my mistakes and my presuppositions. I look at the birds flying through the green trees and the invisible breeze...and I breathe it all in as I ignore the mice that live inside (yes, inside!) my now not-working printer and behind my computer and shit pellets on my towels.
Whenever I become depressed or pessimistic, I go outside and realize the beauty that I have been ignoring.
We must all learn that cosmic coincidences that are completely out of our control have no effect on our beauty or worth as persons. We should all learn the beauty within ourselves and revel in it!
Never change yourself for anyone but yourself.
-Bb
P.S.--Oh yeah, and practice what you preach (oops!).
Thinking about your friends
How you maintain all them in a constant state of suspense
For your own protection over their affection
Nobody broke your heart
You broke your own because you can't finish what you start
Walk down Alameda brushing off the nightmares you wish
Could plague me when I'm awake
And now you see your first mistake was thinking that you could relate
For one or two minutes she liked you
But the fix is in
Thanks, Elliott, for writing a song about me...and everyone else.
Okay, so, I was going to try to pinpoint my problem...but, that does not really matter.
One time I was hurt. But before that I was in what I called love. I was fifteen. I didn't even know who this girl was...but for some reason we clicked. We were going to get married eventually...we were sure of it. We swore off drugs, alcohol, hatred...any vices. Then, after a solid year and a half never spending any time apart from her, for some reason she decided she'd find someone else and fuck him. After I told her I was not ready. I realized afterwards that I knew nothing about her. Hah, I bet I haven't told any of you this, have I? I suppose I do not speak of it, to avoid playing the my-life-is-worse-than-yours game.
So, I have been living my life in search of that again? Is that it? Or am I so scared of it happening again that somehow I cause it to happen over and over?
I find myself thinking of her. Who is she now? She is a racist druggie that lives in Cabot with the guy she found after me. She started drinking and smoking and fucking right after we broke up.
Is it the people that we hold so close that hold us back from doing things the reason we become permiscuous and addictive after we're free of them? Probably, but there's something more. Who knows what it is.
I guess my point is that while our past does make us who we are and it does haunt us, we should never let it control our lives and cause us fear. Although I do believe that I have become the person that I am because I have let my past control my decisions, I also believe that I can make myself a better person by learning from my past and changing the present and the future to make myself stronger, more resilient, and loving.
I have never been abused; I have never been a cutter; I have never had the events of life torture me in such a way that I am permanently, emotionally or physically, fucked. The closest I have come to trauma is my parents breaking up when I was four and being abandoned when I was sixteen. People like me must, and hopefully do, realize that it is a significantly easier task to take the past into account and move on from it.
I go outside and I sit on my back porch and I smoke a cigarette, right after having taken a shower and having brused my teeth. I praise my loving mother, my loving friends, and my loving self. I do not hate myself for my mistakes and my presuppositions. I look at the birds flying through the green trees and the invisible breeze...and I breathe it all in as I ignore the mice that live inside (yes, inside!) my now not-working printer and behind my computer and shit pellets on my towels.
Whenever I become depressed or pessimistic, I go outside and realize the beauty that I have been ignoring.
We must all learn that cosmic coincidences that are completely out of our control have no effect on our beauty or worth as persons. We should all learn the beauty within ourselves and revel in it!
Never change yourself for anyone but yourself.
-Bb
P.S.--Oh yeah, and practice what you preach (oops!).