I wanted to talk to someone. I need to get it out- and no one reads this so....
I needed to tell this to someone. Because well- I don't like to talk to my friends about it but I need to get it out. I feel like i'm walking around missing a part of myself. I guess part of me depended on DA too much.
I can't stand by myself.
Or I hate standing by myself. My theater friends like me. They enjoy hanging out with me and myself likewise.
And i do have friends back home to hang with too. But I don't want to hang out with them really. I did before. I just...in my eyes they're all replacements. None of them can make me laugh and enjoy things like I did before.
Nothing is really exciting anymore. I sort of find myself going through the motions- but i have no idea who it benefits? I went out this weekend and I danced in a club for hours with a few friends. No guys approached me and that was fine...but when I go out now I find myself talking to guys. Guys I don't even care about. It doesn't help that they're drunk and their smiles are only because they wonder what it looks like under my skirt. I like the attention. Positive. I don't know these guys so they don't know about the damaged goods they're getting.
Everything now is just indifferent. I don't really give a shit either way and realistically I can see that is dangerous. DA says he's happy and lighter- hell I feel that way too. But really i feel like he's full of shit. Of course he's lighter because he's angry. And he did apologize. Over the internet. Part of me doesn't want to except that weak shit. DO it in person so I can look you in the eyes and see you mean it.
Life is boring now. I use to have someone to talk to everyday that liked the things I like. We could talk about whatever or sit in silence for hour and that would be cool because we knew what the other was thinking. We'd fall asleep on each other and that would be ok. I knew when I woke up someone would be there or a memorized phone call away.
I don't want to die.
But I feel like i'm not living either.
I breathe in air that feels stale. I drink and I can't even taste it. It feels like i'm just a walking corpse. I'm not even a zombie because they have a purpose a underlying need. Zombies fight to survive. I'm just sort of standing there doing nothing. Maybe i'm already dead?
Everyone keeps feeding me this bs on how it's going to be alright. or how DA was shit and it didn't matter anyway. Everyone keeps asking me about him or have I seen him. However no one calls looking for him like before. He doesn't call me any more.
I still don't regert what happened Feb 14. I can't even cry about it or be frustrated.
People keep talking about 2012 and all the shit thats suppouse to happen. The world will end in 2012. But my world ended in 2010. I'm not even scared of death anymore. I'm not embracing it but it doesn't fear me. If I went outside today and died it wouldn't bother me. But I'm not about to walk in front of a car.
I won't kill myself.
I want to live. But it seems like i'm not doing that now.
I can't stand by myself.
Or I hate standing by myself. My theater friends like me. They enjoy hanging out with me and myself likewise.
And i do have friends back home to hang with too. But I don't want to hang out with them really. I did before. I just...in my eyes they're all replacements. None of them can make me laugh and enjoy things like I did before.
Nothing is really exciting anymore. I sort of find myself going through the motions- but i have no idea who it benefits? I went out this weekend and I danced in a club for hours with a few friends. No guys approached me and that was fine...but when I go out now I find myself talking to guys. Guys I don't even care about. It doesn't help that they're drunk and their smiles are only because they wonder what it looks like under my skirt. I like the attention. Positive. I don't know these guys so they don't know about the damaged goods they're getting.
Everything now is just indifferent. I don't really give a shit either way and realistically I can see that is dangerous. DA says he's happy and lighter- hell I feel that way too. But really i feel like he's full of shit. Of course he's lighter because he's angry. And he did apologize. Over the internet. Part of me doesn't want to except that weak shit. DO it in person so I can look you in the eyes and see you mean it.
Life is boring now. I use to have someone to talk to everyday that liked the things I like. We could talk about whatever or sit in silence for hour and that would be cool because we knew what the other was thinking. We'd fall asleep on each other and that would be ok. I knew when I woke up someone would be there or a memorized phone call away.
I don't want to die.
But I feel like i'm not living either.
I breathe in air that feels stale. I drink and I can't even taste it. It feels like i'm just a walking corpse. I'm not even a zombie because they have a purpose a underlying need. Zombies fight to survive. I'm just sort of standing there doing nothing. Maybe i'm already dead?
Everyone keeps feeding me this bs on how it's going to be alright. or how DA was shit and it didn't matter anyway. Everyone keeps asking me about him or have I seen him. However no one calls looking for him like before. He doesn't call me any more.
I still don't regert what happened Feb 14. I can't even cry about it or be frustrated.
People keep talking about 2012 and all the shit thats suppouse to happen. The world will end in 2012. But my world ended in 2010. I'm not even scared of death anymore. I'm not embracing it but it doesn't fear me. If I went outside today and died it wouldn't bother me. But I'm not about to walk in front of a car.
I won't kill myself.
I want to live. But it seems like i'm not doing that now.