Friendship
I seem to only write in this thing when I’m depressed or going through something where I feel it is beneficial to vent what is on my mind. I had made the decision to delete this thing because I felt that no one really reads it, or probably even cares. Today I came to the computer, feeling that familiar need to purge some inner negativity, and
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I’ve gone through so many acquaintances in my life. Most would tell you that we were pretty good friends. Most have been patient with me for not returning calls or emails. I just have a hard time keeping up a façade. If I don’t feel that someone has an interest in me, it’s difficult for me to continue to spend time with them. There are those that I do hang out with more often than others that are always good for a laugh and/or company. But like I’d mentioned before, that’s only good for so long. I need more substance. I need to feel like I connect if I’m going to stick around for any amount of time. Otherwise I just end up being one of those guys that is always happy to see you and chat for a minute when we run into each other, but never has time to come by.
Part of me feels guilty for wanting something more from the relationships that I have. I know that there are people out there that struggle with even finding others to hang out with or to feel accepted by. But having many people around you can almost be mockery to someone that doesn’t take comfort in the mere fact that someone else likes them or wants to spend time with them. If they won’t take the time to try and discover who I am, it’s hard for me to feel very close to them. Perhaps what has been perceived as an outgoing personality and someone that is easy to talk to has become the fuel that feeds the core of my problem. It is very important for me to feel understood…at least somewhat. But I am so misunderstood. It would mean so much if I found someone that just seemed to give a shit. Someone that really wanted to understand me and wanted to make sure that I was okay. I guess I’m just tired of taking care of everybody else. And this is my point. So many of these acquaintances that I’ve made reference to, are totally content to have me as their “ear”, to listen to and to ask for an insight. They’ve bore their soul to me and I’m grateful that they trust me. But it stops there. They seem to think I am okay all of the time, and I’m not okay all of the time. This type of relationship feels extremely one sided to me. How can you bare your soul to someone that you don’t even know? I need someone that I can trust to talk to at times. Now I’m thinking of the song Clumsy by Our Lady Peace…lol. But seriously, not everyone is strong all of the time. It is very hard to just blurt out what I’m feeling. I sometimes feel like I’m screaming inside, just hoping that someone will have interest enough to get into some of those deeper conversations that never seem appropriate to bring up on my own. It’s one of those things that you cant’ ask for. Someone has to care enough about you that they go there on their own.
What a cluster-fuck.
Btw, it’s nice to know that you read what I write. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. And for what it’s worth, I do read what you put in your journal. Many times I don’t comment because other comments that are added seem to take the discussion in a totally different direction that what came to my mind. Often, after reading what your friends say, my initial thoughts somehow seem irrelevant.
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Or they offer me advice when all I want is to talk it out.
Some relationships are like that.. and in some ways it's comforting but in others I just realize that they really can't help me with CORE issues because I never talk to ANYONE about that stuff.
Not even my counselor.
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Anyway, that's kind of what that post made me think of.
It's hard to open up to people.. if you don't let someone know something is wrong-- how do they know what to ask?
Sometimes you just have to say it and accept that some people will try to listen and others will change the subject.
I don't think your feelings are unwarented. We all want to feel connected and understood and there is nothing wrong with wanted something important out of relationships with people. <3
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And for me to share something personal, only to have the subject changed would be very difficult to me. So, the result is me not bringing it up unless I feel some amount of true concern from the person I am speaking with. I think that is what I've been trying to say all along.
Sorry to ramble and whine like this. I read what I wrote yesterday and I sound like the biggest baby. I guess we're all entitled to have a "poor me" episode every now and then.
Still, it's been nice to talk to someone that seems to get where I'm comming from. How much do you charge for your sessions? I've never felt comfortable going to a couselor to talk, but this wasn't so bad. I guess it's because you've chose to talk to me and share advice without something to gain. It means a lot, thank you.
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Because we are able to watch ourself, monitor our emotions and perceptions and have the ability to question them we often feel as though it is OUR problem to deal with and no one else should have to listen to it..
So when the emotions and questions come up we don't want to burden others with them-- or we feel guilty when someone feels bad for us or offers advice or help.
(Is this because we feel we don't deserve to be helped or that we don't trust that others truely care and want to help us?)
You shouldn't have to feel bad about writing out your problems in your journal. It doesn't make you a baby, it makes you self aware and I think that is important.
I don't know about everything your going through but I do think I can understand some of what it feels like to not have reciprocated support.
Something I recognize in myself though........
1. People can't help me if I don't open up and let them know something is wrong..... my friends may know when something is up but no one can read our minds.
2. When someone does reach out I spend a lot of time wondering what they want from me... I did that all growing up. In fact just the other day someone in one of my classes opened a door for me and it made me cry... I actually felt sorry for this person because they burdened themself with holding a door open for me and perhaps I felt I didn't deserve it. Now I was having a terrible week but it did make me realize that PEOPLE TRY.
Very few people will ever understand us... few people will ever really care... but when someone reaches out there shouldn't be a question of "what's in it for them?"
What's in it for them is that you are an amazing person. Maybe they can't tell when something is wrong because you don't feel like you deserve to have your problems listened to and validated?
Also, maybe some of these people have built a relationship with you that does not run as deep on both sides? I have friends who have known me long enough for me to open up and others who only know me as laid back and silly.
I don't know if any of that helps or is applicable..
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