Friendship
I seem to only write in this thing when I’m depressed or going through something where I feel it is beneficial to vent what is on my mind. I had made the decision to delete this thing because I felt that no one really reads it, or probably even cares. Today I came to the computer, feeling that familiar need to purge some inner negativity, and realized that I had forgotten that I deleted my journal. My point…I’ve decided to reactivate it. If nothing else, it serves as a release, which is what I intended when I created the account. No, actually that is wrong. I first created this journal because a close friend of mine that is suffering from anorexia told me that she wrote her feelings in an online journal and wanted me to have access to it so that I could read her feelings and understand what she was going through. I’m not sure if she understood just how much I already understood what she was going through, but she asked that I read her journal so I did. Then, after I created my account…it didn’t take long before I could see some constructive use for an online journal. So, this is it. Very sporadic, and probably extremely boring to most that read it. For a while I felt like I had made a few interesting friends in this online universe. I am beginning to realize that most people that have a live journal are not unlike myself, with a real life that is very demanding, which makes it not the ideal place to form strong friendships. Having said that, I guess there are those instances where some people have become close. I have a difficult time feeling close to people in real life anyway, so I don’t see why this journal would be any different. I spoke with a colleague about this just today. She made the comment that people think she has so many friends, but from her perspective she has many, many acquaintances, but very few “friends”. This description couldn’t be more correct for myself. I just have a hard time really trusting people and so it’s hard to really care for them and allow myself to be cared for to the extent that I think a “friend” must qualify. I’m not opposed to having more friends, but I guess it’s just hard for me to feel that strongly about someone. I almost have to have someone show that they are interested in knowing who I am, and really trust me, before I am able to allow myself to really trust them. I know that must sound so fucked up and is exactly why I am in this situation. Most people can’t look past themselves long enough to really want to know someone else. Unless, of coarse there is something to gain, be it sex, or companionship, or something else. Those things can be great, but I want to connect on a more personal level. I would like to spend my limited time with those that I feel appreciate who I am, and although they may not always agree with me, they will still find my friendship valuable in some way. Anything else is so transparent and meaningless. I see through people easily, and I can’t be genuine to someone that isn’t genuine. It just feels so wrong so I avoid it all together. I hang out with acquaintances often, and it can be enjoyable…for what it is. But there are those times when it’s nice to be with a friend, a true friend. And to really appreciate the time spent and feel connected to someone is something altogether different than what I get when I hang out with all of these pseudo friends that I have. Some would be totally content with the relationships I have. Just the company would be satisfying to them. I have fun just hanging out with acquaintances, but it does get old after a while. I wish I had more people to talk to, and share the types of things that I share in this journal. Those are the relationships that are hard for me to come by. I realize that several of my acquaintances would probably be willing to listen to what I have to say, but I’m not sure that I feel comfortable sharing certain things with them. They almost have to qualify in a way. Is that pretentious? Or is it just guarded? I don’t think I am asking too much. I just wait for the right kind of person to share specific things with. The friend I mentioned earlier, the one who told me about live journal in the first place, it’s been over a year since I’ve spoken to her. I began to think she was the type of friend I’ve mentioned. The genuine kind. To my chagrin I was mistaken.