bmi, hip to waist ratio, and self image
So, as I've mentioned many times recently, I've lost a decent amount of weight since I same to South Korea. Depending on the day it's lately been somewhere between 21 and 23 pounds. That's a bit, huh? So, naturally I figured I'd be more attractive now that I'm thinner. Naturally I thought I'd be healthier now that I'm thinner. The charts don't agree. I've looked around enough to see that there is a general consensus that women with a hip to waist ratio over 8.0 are less attractive, and a health consensus that anyone over 7.7 is someone who should go on a diet (something I find painfully laughable when a website tells me that, after loosing over 20 lbs in two months, I should go on a diet). And bmi? Well, lets just say I haven't fit into their 'healthy' category since I was a sophomore in high school, and then just barely, but I'm quite sure I wasn't overweight in the slightest when I was in high school (Ok, maybe during my senior year, but not before).
So, what does this mean? According to the carts, men may feel a little ill when they look at my body. According to the charts I'm fat. According to the charts 20+ lbs and several inches but not loosing the ratio I had (which is 8.1 if I'm being nice) means I'm still killing myself with my weight and still just as unattractive as I was at 202 lbs. So, why loose weight at all? Why go outside at all? Why talk to men. Why bother to notice I'm a woman? As a woman my purpose is to captivate, to invite with my beauty, how do I do that if my body isn't beautiful? Is that why other women have found husbands and not me? Because they have a better hip to waist ratio?
Now, I'm tempted to say it's not fair because I'm strong, and work out almost every day, and eat well, and because there's almost no space between where my rips and and my hips begin, and I have heavy bones and so surely the charts are unfair to me. Surely they don't count. But, at the same time, that feels awfully like an excuse. So, then my second option is to avoid being noticed, wear baggy clothes, don't try and catch anyone's attention, don't act sexual at all even if that is my nature, keep them from seeing me so they can't see how unattractive I am. My third option, to pretend I don't know. Pretend I think I'm beautiful, pretend until maybe it's true, or I forget it's not.
You know, the Bible says "love others as you love yourself" and the assumed there is that you love yourself. But what if you don't? Are you even capable of love if you cannot find yourself at all lovable?
I don't fit any of the ideals, no matter where I go. My mouth is too small, my eyebrows too think, my eyes too close together, my nose too big (and a little crooked from the times it's been broken), my hair isn't coifed enough, my arms aren't slender enough, or my hands elegant enough, my elbows aren't pointy enough, or my stomach small/flat/toned/narrow enough, my breasts not perky enough, my legs not long enough, my ankles too thick, my thighs too flabby, my butt too dimply, my teeth not white or strait enough. Is there anything good about me? Is there anything to captivate, to attract? And I'm only 24. What happens when I'm 40?
The Bible says beauty is fleeting and charm is deceptive, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Praised, yes, but will she ever be loved? The Bible says that all things God made are good, that creation declares the Glory of God. What glory is there is me to be declared? I see none. The Bible says I'm a new creature, but am I beautiful? Am I going to be one of those people who, at my middle ages, younger women look at and say "no wonder she's single, gods she's ugly"? But it's bitterness that makes the face sour, and despair that makes the heart cold.
So what? What is all this, and where does it go? Am I beautiful or am I not? Perhaps I'm nice and sweet or whatever other good qualities, perhaps, but how will anyone see them if they can't get past the initial seeing me? If there's nothing to draw them how will they ever know me? How will they ever want to? I cannot tell. The guages all cry havok. My own eyes tell me one thing one day and an entirely different thing the next.
In his books John Eldridge talks about how man's essential question is "do I have what it takes" and women's essential question is "am I beautiful." Don't I feel that. It's true. Wish I could drag some man down out of the proverbial air and make him reassure me. Sad thing is, I know it wouldn't stick. Eldridge was right when he said these questions are like bottomless holes in us. You can pour and pour into them and they're never quite full, or they empty soon enough. He said "you have to take your essential question to God." But what does God have to say about my beauty or my appeal? Sure he has lots to say about what I do for Him, but what about anyone else? Am I anything to anyone else? Yeah, it's ridiculous, me saying that God's wanting me isn't enough. One should think I'd be satisfied. He wants me, He loves me, what else is there? What there is is a world screaming at me that I'm ugly, and fat, and annoying, and nothing any kind of decent person would want. So, what do I do with that? What do I do to counter these statements about my body, and my appeal? Should I do anything to counter them, or just accept them as true? Are they true, are they true, are they true? The charts say it. What is the truth here?
I am 24, this should not be an issue anymore. I am 24, this should not be an issue anymore...
So, what does this mean? According to the carts, men may feel a little ill when they look at my body. According to the charts I'm fat. According to the charts 20+ lbs and several inches but not loosing the ratio I had (which is 8.1 if I'm being nice) means I'm still killing myself with my weight and still just as unattractive as I was at 202 lbs. So, why loose weight at all? Why go outside at all? Why talk to men. Why bother to notice I'm a woman? As a woman my purpose is to captivate, to invite with my beauty, how do I do that if my body isn't beautiful? Is that why other women have found husbands and not me? Because they have a better hip to waist ratio?
Now, I'm tempted to say it's not fair because I'm strong, and work out almost every day, and eat well, and because there's almost no space between where my rips and and my hips begin, and I have heavy bones and so surely the charts are unfair to me. Surely they don't count. But, at the same time, that feels awfully like an excuse. So, then my second option is to avoid being noticed, wear baggy clothes, don't try and catch anyone's attention, don't act sexual at all even if that is my nature, keep them from seeing me so they can't see how unattractive I am. My third option, to pretend I don't know. Pretend I think I'm beautiful, pretend until maybe it's true, or I forget it's not.
You know, the Bible says "love others as you love yourself" and the assumed there is that you love yourself. But what if you don't? Are you even capable of love if you cannot find yourself at all lovable?
I don't fit any of the ideals, no matter where I go. My mouth is too small, my eyebrows too think, my eyes too close together, my nose too big (and a little crooked from the times it's been broken), my hair isn't coifed enough, my arms aren't slender enough, or my hands elegant enough, my elbows aren't pointy enough, or my stomach small/flat/toned/narrow enough, my breasts not perky enough, my legs not long enough, my ankles too thick, my thighs too flabby, my butt too dimply, my teeth not white or strait enough. Is there anything good about me? Is there anything to captivate, to attract? And I'm only 24. What happens when I'm 40?
The Bible says beauty is fleeting and charm is deceptive, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Praised, yes, but will she ever be loved? The Bible says that all things God made are good, that creation declares the Glory of God. What glory is there is me to be declared? I see none. The Bible says I'm a new creature, but am I beautiful? Am I going to be one of those people who, at my middle ages, younger women look at and say "no wonder she's single, gods she's ugly"? But it's bitterness that makes the face sour, and despair that makes the heart cold.
So what? What is all this, and where does it go? Am I beautiful or am I not? Perhaps I'm nice and sweet or whatever other good qualities, perhaps, but how will anyone see them if they can't get past the initial seeing me? If there's nothing to draw them how will they ever know me? How will they ever want to? I cannot tell. The guages all cry havok. My own eyes tell me one thing one day and an entirely different thing the next.
In his books John Eldridge talks about how man's essential question is "do I have what it takes" and women's essential question is "am I beautiful." Don't I feel that. It's true. Wish I could drag some man down out of the proverbial air and make him reassure me. Sad thing is, I know it wouldn't stick. Eldridge was right when he said these questions are like bottomless holes in us. You can pour and pour into them and they're never quite full, or they empty soon enough. He said "you have to take your essential question to God." But what does God have to say about my beauty or my appeal? Sure he has lots to say about what I do for Him, but what about anyone else? Am I anything to anyone else? Yeah, it's ridiculous, me saying that God's wanting me isn't enough. One should think I'd be satisfied. He wants me, He loves me, what else is there? What there is is a world screaming at me that I'm ugly, and fat, and annoying, and nothing any kind of decent person would want. So, what do I do with that? What do I do to counter these statements about my body, and my appeal? Should I do anything to counter them, or just accept them as true? Are they true, are they true, are they true? The charts say it. What is the truth here?
I am 24, this should not be an issue anymore. I am 24, this should not be an issue anymore...