My faith and self injury
This is a post I've bene working on for several days. I think perhaps it now accurately conveys what I've been feeling for a while now.
so I've been thinking a bit about my old self-injury lately. I guess that's been brought on by a lot of stress and some dreams and some bad thought patterns, all trying to draw me back to that. It's not going to happen though, and that's what I'd like to discuss. Why. Why it's not going to happen. Largely, I also believe that what I'm about to discuss is the cause for most of my success. You can agree or not. This will be addressed to other Christians, but I'll try and not speak any kind of religious speak without explaining it.
Why shouldn't I self-injure? "It makes me feel better." Oh, how many times have I heard that? How many times have I said it myself? But, why? Why does it make us feel better. What about harming our bodies, marring our visages, causes some kind of relief within us? What cause other than that voice that tells us things are not right unless we are in pain, those subtle permeating whispers that we are not acceptable unless damaged? When I cut I did it because there was something inside of me that disgusted me. Sometimes it was almost like I could see this black sludge crawling under my skin. I wasn't right inside, and that's a thought that even now I fight against. And so, as something dirty, and not right, punishment had to be exacted. I had to be purged. I tried to make myself pure through bloodletting. But it didn't work. And, I suspect, it doesn't work for the thousands of others who suffer similarly and similarly try to cure themselves. Oh, yes, it would distract me for a while, and then the feelings and thoughts would come back worse than ever. It wasn't a cure, it drug me darker into that black hole I feared was inside myself.
Still, now, I have days where I feel 'not right' and 'difficult' (and what an insult that last word is, worse than being an ass, or a whore, to be difficult, a weight on the shoulders of the good people who surround you is the worst thing you can be), but what has changed? Why don't I take the blade to my flesh? or the fire? or the rock? Why do I let my skin go unmarred and my scars fade? How do I find any encouragement, any reason to smile or laugh or hope or try? One major reason: My debt has been paid, and I am no longer that which I was. I was created in the image of a perfect, all knowing, all powerful, all just, all loving God. What He made good cannot be so easily destroyed, not even by me. And Satan and his lot, like lions prowling, whispering accusations in our ears, well, they can't bring honest charge against us. We've been changed. I have a new spirit in me now, a pure one, one who's nature is not black or evil or ugly. Christ has paid my debt, has borne the scars I so readily gave myself. When I tried to purge the darkness from me that he had already purged, when those of us who are Christians do this through physical assault on ourselves or through "good works" (that attempting to earn our salvation) what we are doing is denying the value and validity of Christ's death. We are saying the sacrifice of the God of the universe is not good enough. Of course, if you had told me that then it would have only made things worse. It would have been yet another abhorant failure in what I saw as a long line of tragic failures. It's a sensitive topic.
We are loved, and this is the point of it all. Christ died for us, paid whatever punishment we deserved, or feel we deserve, and then he purged it away through his resurrection. He is the all-valuable one. The grave could not hold him because he was not merely a man, and Hell could not hold him because his value was more infinite than its far reaches, yet he took our place because he was man and an acceptable substitute. It's like when a man is accused of murdering someone and the court declares him not guilty he can never be charged of that crime again. It's like that with us, except we did it, but Jesus, acting both as our lawyer and our replacement, has declared us innocent...of everything. We cannot be accused because the judge has made his call. It doesn't matter now because that weight is not ours to bear. No one can bring any accusation against us and stand. It all falls by the wayside because it has both been paid for and declared invalid. There is no argument or loophole through which we can be brought back into the prison, back into that place of punishment.
What's more is that we have Christ's spirit within us. We have been changed and made into new creatures. We are not what we once were. So, declared innocent and rehabilitated in one fell swoop. How rediculous would it be for a man who had been rehabilitated to start stealing cars and taking crack again? He now has the ablity, resources, and skill to be better. Why would he go back to that? So it is with us. Why, how for that matter, can we keep on sinning, on living that old life, when such kindness has been extended to us? The Bible talks about God's kindness, not his wrath or his glory or desire for gain, bringing us to repentance. What a magnificent concept. Extend kindness to the reprobate and he becomes a man. And yet, we find ourselves in the grip of that old life over and over. Well, not this time, and not in this way. We cannot cannot go on with an action that directly and, quite literally, violently disagrees with the message of the Gospel. And that's what self-injury is.
I am free, no longer a prisoner. I am pure, no longer dirty. I am new, old failures and misgivings can't hold me down. I am forgiven, no one can bring a charge against me. I am replaced, no one can claim a debt with me.
Say what you will, those old things, those old actions and patterns have no place in my life now, no purchase with which to get their claws in me. I could fail a thousand times and still the truth remains: no one can pry from me what He has given, no one can take me from his hands.
This is why I don't self-injure. This is why I do all that I do and don't do all that I don't do, and this is why I don't freak out and exact payment in flesh when I fail and do the things I do not want to and do no do the things I want to. This is it. The Gospel.
For the longest time people would tell me "you just need to preach the gospel to yourself every day" but I honestly didn't understand what they were talking about. Why would I need to tell myself about the virgin birth or Jesus feeding the five-thousand. It's ironic what people assume you understand. Now, I am quite sure that a few years from now I will say that I did not understand the Gospel, and a few years after that I'll say the same thing. Our understanding grows with time, some faster than others. But we grow and learn, our spirit and minds expand. That's Christ in is. We do well, well succeed. That is Christ in us. We are good, we love. That is Christ in us. He loves us, he died, he is alive again, and we are free, replaced, forgiven, and renewed. This is the Gospel. This is our hope. And this, this is more than enough reasons to leave flesh unmarred and to let scars fade.
so I've been thinking a bit about my old self-injury lately. I guess that's been brought on by a lot of stress and some dreams and some bad thought patterns, all trying to draw me back to that. It's not going to happen though, and that's what I'd like to discuss. Why. Why it's not going to happen. Largely, I also believe that what I'm about to discuss is the cause for most of my success. You can agree or not. This will be addressed to other Christians, but I'll try and not speak any kind of religious speak without explaining it.
Why shouldn't I self-injure? "It makes me feel better." Oh, how many times have I heard that? How many times have I said it myself? But, why? Why does it make us feel better. What about harming our bodies, marring our visages, causes some kind of relief within us? What cause other than that voice that tells us things are not right unless we are in pain, those subtle permeating whispers that we are not acceptable unless damaged? When I cut I did it because there was something inside of me that disgusted me. Sometimes it was almost like I could see this black sludge crawling under my skin. I wasn't right inside, and that's a thought that even now I fight against. And so, as something dirty, and not right, punishment had to be exacted. I had to be purged. I tried to make myself pure through bloodletting. But it didn't work. And, I suspect, it doesn't work for the thousands of others who suffer similarly and similarly try to cure themselves. Oh, yes, it would distract me for a while, and then the feelings and thoughts would come back worse than ever. It wasn't a cure, it drug me darker into that black hole I feared was inside myself.
Still, now, I have days where I feel 'not right' and 'difficult' (and what an insult that last word is, worse than being an ass, or a whore, to be difficult, a weight on the shoulders of the good people who surround you is the worst thing you can be), but what has changed? Why don't I take the blade to my flesh? or the fire? or the rock? Why do I let my skin go unmarred and my scars fade? How do I find any encouragement, any reason to smile or laugh or hope or try? One major reason: My debt has been paid, and I am no longer that which I was. I was created in the image of a perfect, all knowing, all powerful, all just, all loving God. What He made good cannot be so easily destroyed, not even by me. And Satan and his lot, like lions prowling, whispering accusations in our ears, well, they can't bring honest charge against us. We've been changed. I have a new spirit in me now, a pure one, one who's nature is not black or evil or ugly. Christ has paid my debt, has borne the scars I so readily gave myself. When I tried to purge the darkness from me that he had already purged, when those of us who are Christians do this through physical assault on ourselves or through "good works" (that attempting to earn our salvation) what we are doing is denying the value and validity of Christ's death. We are saying the sacrifice of the God of the universe is not good enough. Of course, if you had told me that then it would have only made things worse. It would have been yet another abhorant failure in what I saw as a long line of tragic failures. It's a sensitive topic.
We are loved, and this is the point of it all. Christ died for us, paid whatever punishment we deserved, or feel we deserve, and then he purged it away through his resurrection. He is the all-valuable one. The grave could not hold him because he was not merely a man, and Hell could not hold him because his value was more infinite than its far reaches, yet he took our place because he was man and an acceptable substitute. It's like when a man is accused of murdering someone and the court declares him not guilty he can never be charged of that crime again. It's like that with us, except we did it, but Jesus, acting both as our lawyer and our replacement, has declared us innocent...of everything. We cannot be accused because the judge has made his call. It doesn't matter now because that weight is not ours to bear. No one can bring any accusation against us and stand. It all falls by the wayside because it has both been paid for and declared invalid. There is no argument or loophole through which we can be brought back into the prison, back into that place of punishment.
What's more is that we have Christ's spirit within us. We have been changed and made into new creatures. We are not what we once were. So, declared innocent and rehabilitated in one fell swoop. How rediculous would it be for a man who had been rehabilitated to start stealing cars and taking crack again? He now has the ablity, resources, and skill to be better. Why would he go back to that? So it is with us. Why, how for that matter, can we keep on sinning, on living that old life, when such kindness has been extended to us? The Bible talks about God's kindness, not his wrath or his glory or desire for gain, bringing us to repentance. What a magnificent concept. Extend kindness to the reprobate and he becomes a man. And yet, we find ourselves in the grip of that old life over and over. Well, not this time, and not in this way. We cannot cannot go on with an action that directly and, quite literally, violently disagrees with the message of the Gospel. And that's what self-injury is.
I am free, no longer a prisoner. I am pure, no longer dirty. I am new, old failures and misgivings can't hold me down. I am forgiven, no one can bring a charge against me. I am replaced, no one can claim a debt with me.
Say what you will, those old things, those old actions and patterns have no place in my life now, no purchase with which to get their claws in me. I could fail a thousand times and still the truth remains: no one can pry from me what He has given, no one can take me from his hands.
This is why I don't self-injure. This is why I do all that I do and don't do all that I don't do, and this is why I don't freak out and exact payment in flesh when I fail and do the things I do not want to and do no do the things I want to. This is it. The Gospel.
For the longest time people would tell me "you just need to preach the gospel to yourself every day" but I honestly didn't understand what they were talking about. Why would I need to tell myself about the virgin birth or Jesus feeding the five-thousand. It's ironic what people assume you understand. Now, I am quite sure that a few years from now I will say that I did not understand the Gospel, and a few years after that I'll say the same thing. Our understanding grows with time, some faster than others. But we grow and learn, our spirit and minds expand. That's Christ in is. We do well, well succeed. That is Christ in us. We are good, we love. That is Christ in us. He loves us, he died, he is alive again, and we are free, replaced, forgiven, and renewed. This is the Gospel. This is our hope. And this, this is more than enough reasons to leave flesh unmarred and to let scars fade.