... ... help... help ... help... ...
I'm all choked up and i can't breath... Nose stuffed and tears flowing. Face wet, mouth dry. I'm not going to get to bed for a LONG time. Not feeling like this. Things are blurred. I haven't felt like this in long time... a huge long time. I can only think of shitty life is going to be for the next few days, weeks, months, years. All at once things just clicked after my mom just left the room. I'm a wreck. I can't stand this. I'm never like this. I don't cry. No it isn't a macho ego thing. It is something that after 5 or 6th grade i just couldn't do. No matter how sad things were or anything. Being picked on for that long will do things to you. And fuck I have school in 7h 50m and i have to get up in 5h 30m. I probably will get 1 hour of sleep tonight.
Things clicked... My mom was accually talking seriously about Russ leaving. Something I have never heard her say in all the time they have been married. I think I'm going to die. Somehow I feel like this is too much my fault. Even though I know this isn't. I'm looking at my mom wanting to retire and seeing it fade away into a dream. I'm looking at my step dad's family and seeing them disapear. I love his family. Absolutely love them, to the stars and back. To lose them would kill me. Damn it... I'm crying again... Music from the headphones "I can change, I can change, I can change". Help... My step dad even though I hate him makes my mom happy when he is cool. Fuck my personal opinion of him. I care about my mom, in 20 or 30 years, retired, alone, sad, trying to get back to before now but never quite reaching it. It can't happen. She NEEDS someone. That is just how she is. She needs someone to ask her how her day was when she comes home. She needs to be told how good her cooking is (and it is so good). She needs to wake up and go to work for a reason. She needs someone after she retires that she can go around the world with. Someone that will be there to lean on. Someone to keep her going. This is getting really hard... Please please please. She needs to have that someone be there in the warm sunny august afternoon where they can cuddle in on the couch while reading. Someone to match wits with. Someone to bounch things off of.
Somewhere in my jumble of feelings, i feel it is my fault. Me being nostalgic: when I was 7 years old, i brought russ out into the forest and being the naive kid i was, found my favorite spot and said that my mom and him should get married there. He was so cool then. I adored him. I remember the wedding. I got dressed in a tux the first time ever. And held my mom's hand as she walked down the hallway. They were married on a porch at Edgefield. I walked her down the hallway and on to the porch... I think my brother gave my mom Russ' ring and I gave Russ my mom's ring.
Like a train it hit me and left my dying. Punched a hole right through my heart and a geiser shot up. A thousand needles of ice piercing my chest. Being splashed with water on my face but it is hard as hell and breaks it. Paralyzed as though my neck snapped. Spirit broken and battered, tossed around and blown in the wind and finally set down in tatters and shreads.
I'm not going to be able to get through school. I'm going to punish myself for eternity if he leaves. I would go into shock and just stop breathing. I would hate myself for hating him. My heart would cry out and collapse in on itself.
I hate being right. I hate being lucky. I hate guessing shit before it happens. I told my mom yesterday unknowingly that it would all be over soon. That it would be better. Now today it seems like it would be all over soon and that it would get better but sadly enough this wouldn't be better forever. Only for the next two or so years. I already guessed some other stuff right before they happened. I get too lucky sometimes. Never though in the way I want. I think it was my dream that russ would leave. On in the back of my mind. One that I never wanted to even remotely come true. If he leaves that means no more christmas' in Louisiana. No more Staci or Dieter (aunt and uncle whom I love and they are so cool). No more Josh or Erin (cousin + his wife). No Lin or Reed or Cameron (cousins). No Allison (cousin). No Nadine or Lisso (grandparents). No more fireworks. No more 3h 30m present opening time. No no no. More people not to see. To miss, to fade, to disapear. 12:45 and no end in sight. I just think and think and think and things get worse and worse.
No more fights between them. No more of my mom coming in teary eyed to get mad at me for something I did. No more mom blaming me for russ leaving for the day. No more russ blaming her for all the problems I have. No more him saying that I have emotional and anger problems. No more him making me wrong and bad. No more, no more. No more of my mom's eye's sparking up when Russ suprises her somehow. No more of his jokes. No more pubs with the fam. No more. I'm so damn nostaligic and sad.
What could have I done? Not been so against him. Tell him I loved him in the past year. Give him a hug in the last 6 months. Accepted what he said no matter how much of an ass he was. I can't stand it. "I can change, I can change, I can change" I feel weightless and hollow like a ghost. Maybe that is what I am. Invisible to the world. Sometimes it seems that way.
First time pouring my heart out with the first good cry since my grandpa died. Super personal but it shouldn't be friends only. Why? No one might understand. Something to do with me not talking about my life. I have a knack at knowing someone quite well and they know next to nothing about my life. And what do I care. In 10 years I doubt that I will be around the people from today. 'Tis the reason that I keep this open to everyone. I just hope if things do take a turn for the worse that I can forgive myself. Maybe I'm jumping too quick to think he might leave but he is sleeping in the basement.
Things clicked... My mom was accually talking seriously about Russ leaving. Something I have never heard her say in all the time they have been married. I think I'm going to die. Somehow I feel like this is too much my fault. Even though I know this isn't. I'm looking at my mom wanting to retire and seeing it fade away into a dream. I'm looking at my step dad's family and seeing them disapear. I love his family. Absolutely love them, to the stars and back. To lose them would kill me. Damn it... I'm crying again... Music from the headphones "I can change, I can change, I can change". Help... My step dad even though I hate him makes my mom happy when he is cool. Fuck my personal opinion of him. I care about my mom, in 20 or 30 years, retired, alone, sad, trying to get back to before now but never quite reaching it. It can't happen. She NEEDS someone. That is just how she is. She needs someone to ask her how her day was when she comes home. She needs to be told how good her cooking is (and it is so good). She needs to wake up and go to work for a reason. She needs someone after she retires that she can go around the world with. Someone that will be there to lean on. Someone to keep her going. This is getting really hard... Please please please. She needs to have that someone be there in the warm sunny august afternoon where they can cuddle in on the couch while reading. Someone to match wits with. Someone to bounch things off of.
Somewhere in my jumble of feelings, i feel it is my fault. Me being nostalgic: when I was 7 years old, i brought russ out into the forest and being the naive kid i was, found my favorite spot and said that my mom and him should get married there. He was so cool then. I adored him. I remember the wedding. I got dressed in a tux the first time ever. And held my mom's hand as she walked down the hallway. They were married on a porch at Edgefield. I walked her down the hallway and on to the porch... I think my brother gave my mom Russ' ring and I gave Russ my mom's ring.
Like a train it hit me and left my dying. Punched a hole right through my heart and a geiser shot up. A thousand needles of ice piercing my chest. Being splashed with water on my face but it is hard as hell and breaks it. Paralyzed as though my neck snapped. Spirit broken and battered, tossed around and blown in the wind and finally set down in tatters and shreads.
I'm not going to be able to get through school. I'm going to punish myself for eternity if he leaves. I would go into shock and just stop breathing. I would hate myself for hating him. My heart would cry out and collapse in on itself.
I hate being right. I hate being lucky. I hate guessing shit before it happens. I told my mom yesterday unknowingly that it would all be over soon. That it would be better. Now today it seems like it would be all over soon and that it would get better but sadly enough this wouldn't be better forever. Only for the next two or so years. I already guessed some other stuff right before they happened. I get too lucky sometimes. Never though in the way I want. I think it was my dream that russ would leave. On in the back of my mind. One that I never wanted to even remotely come true. If he leaves that means no more christmas' in Louisiana. No more Staci or Dieter (aunt and uncle whom I love and they are so cool). No more Josh or Erin (cousin + his wife). No Lin or Reed or Cameron (cousins). No Allison (cousin). No Nadine or Lisso (grandparents). No more fireworks. No more 3h 30m present opening time. No no no. More people not to see. To miss, to fade, to disapear. 12:45 and no end in sight. I just think and think and think and things get worse and worse.
No more fights between them. No more of my mom coming in teary eyed to get mad at me for something I did. No more mom blaming me for russ leaving for the day. No more russ blaming her for all the problems I have. No more him saying that I have emotional and anger problems. No more him making me wrong and bad. No more, no more. No more of my mom's eye's sparking up when Russ suprises her somehow. No more of his jokes. No more pubs with the fam. No more. I'm so damn nostaligic and sad.
What could have I done? Not been so against him. Tell him I loved him in the past year. Give him a hug in the last 6 months. Accepted what he said no matter how much of an ass he was. I can't stand it. "I can change, I can change, I can change" I feel weightless and hollow like a ghost. Maybe that is what I am. Invisible to the world. Sometimes it seems that way.
First time pouring my heart out with the first good cry since my grandpa died. Super personal but it shouldn't be friends only. Why? No one might understand. Something to do with me not talking about my life. I have a knack at knowing someone quite well and they know next to nothing about my life. And what do I care. In 10 years I doubt that I will be around the people from today. 'Tis the reason that I keep this open to everyone. I just hope if things do take a turn for the worse that I can forgive myself. Maybe I'm jumping too quick to think he might leave but he is sleeping in the basement.