Regional Niceness
I've been thinking about this for a while and then, oddly, the fab ladibug21 posted about it today and so I thought I discuss it.
The questions: How does friendliness differ from place to place? And, yes, these are generalizations based on the media and my own experiences and opinions.
Ladibug21 lives in Seattle - just north of where I lived in Tacoma - yet much of the Pacific Northwest has the reputation for what is called The Seattle Freeze. Basically, it means that, whilst outwardly, people are almost shockingly polite, they don't really want any sort of intimacy or close friendship - especially from new people. It's been defined as, "Welcome to Seattle... Now please go away!" For example, people stop their cars to let you cross the street or merge into traffic, and they don't push ahead of you in line, but they won't, necessarily invite you out for drinks or over for dinner. But it actually goes a little deeper than that.
Boston, by contrast, is a city that takes pride in their overt rudeness. At any given time, there are many middle fingers waving the air and many expletives shouted. A request for directions might be met with silence and a "fuck off" stare, but in private people are different. It was easy to make actual friends in Boston. Co-workers socialize, friends of friends make plans, people meet at bars/gallery openings/parties and strike up friendships. I got lucky, I went to college in the Northwest, so I made friends there, so I actually had a group of friends when I went out into the working world. I also got lucky in that, through teaching, I met some cool co-workers. But that is not so true for many people. Sadly, I've known quite a few people who moved to the Northwest (especially from places like NYC, LA, Chicago, or the American South) who were appalled and saddened by how long it took to make friends - or their complete failure at doing so.
This may just be my own experience, but there is also a sense of directness amongst many residents of the Northwest that sometimes can discourage budding friendships. People may be outwardly polite when walking, driving, or riding public transportation, but when directly engaging in conversation, it is quite different. For example, I've been to many, MANY a party in which Person A may be telling a story and, part way through, Person B interrupts with something like, "But that's not true, it's a urban legend" or "You're wrong, I read in a magazine that..." and so on. I've been in many conversations in social settings in which someone directly says, "I disagree" or "that wouldn't work because..." or something to that affect. Along with that comes the idea if Person A isn't interesting to you, you can just abruptly move on. (Being raised in So Cal, these scenarios inevitably led to me talking to Person A all night and trying to make them feel better.) I've seen this directness manifest itself many times, and what strikes me about it is not that so much that it can be seen as mean or rude, but that it really discourages dialog, intimacy, and friendship.
By contrast, here in Taos, people spout off about weird, abstract, pointless shit all the time and people just listen and add their own thoughts. And, if one does disagree, they tend to couch it something like, "I see your point, but what about...." or "That's interesting, but I've always found that..." Why the difference? My guess is that it has to do with community. Taos is small and you see the same people over and over. Also, it's neither polite to be rude nor prudent to alienate others who you someday may encounter when working for your cause. Also, there is something very "old west" in the social structure of northern New Mexico. It's a tough place to exist as far as climate and we're far away from major cities. Hell, we're up in the flipping mountains. Therefore, people need each other more. There is none of the luxury of just disappearing into the city and handling many of your issues electronically. Sadly, that's part of the Seattle Freeze, too.
There is a lot of isolation in Seattle. That's true in any city, but it takes an interesting form in the Pacific Northwest. It even manifests itself in other areas, sometimes more subtly. For example, in many big cities people will leave a newspaper behind on a train for the next person or, in the case of a food court table, leave napkins/salt packets, etc. behind. When my friend from Seattle came to visit in Boston she was literally shocked be this. "It's messy," she complained. "And why would I touch anything someone else left behind? Besides, they should get their OWN stuff!" I actually thought that was odd, but, in a way it is a kind of metaphor for the Pacific Northwest itself: it's clean, it's "fair," but it doesn't go very deep in terms of community. It's also a manifestation of relative wealth and ease. Sometimes people can't afford a newspaper. Sometimes people get to the train to late to get their free paper. Sometimes you are in a hurry or forget to get salt.
I suspect that, in truly big cities, people feed off each other's leavings. For example, one thing people did in Boston was to randomly leave books/magazines places. You know, when you finish a book, leave it in a coffee shop or train station so that someone else can find it and read it. The same was kind of true of magazines, too. For some reason, some of my college/Pacific Northwest friends were bothered by this concept. Oddly, we do that in Taos, too, though it's slightly more organized. There are book exchange boxes everywhere (we even have them at work) and stuff like the Free Box where people can go and get stuff. I've not seen stuff like that quite so much in the Pacific Northwest. Sure, there are thrift stores and charity donations, but it's a little more impersonal.
What it comes down to is mostly this: in all the places I've lived social interactions are different, and I highly suspect that the root cause (if any) of this has to do with the way communities form and need each other. In Southern California there is a ton of social networking and knowing a lot of people is important. It's a social atmosphere, and all about "who you know." There are natives (I was one), but so many people are from other places, that it's sort of a cultural melting pot and difference is not only tolerated, it's encouraged. The Pacific Northwest was much more personally isolated. Your friends were your friends, but it wasn't very open in terms of meeting people. Also, there was a lot of what I would almost call xenophobia toward people from other places. If you were not born there, it's REALLY hard to fit in, and it's sometimes a bit difficult for those who were born there to recognize that there is validity in the way things are elsewhere. In Boston, it's all about co-existing in a very small space. Being a crowded and diverse city, you need to be careful about people you meet on the street (there are a lot of crazies), but once people prove not to be insane street preachers out for your money, it's all good. Also, people interact by sharing stuff without being seen. Finally, though Boston takes a lot of pride in being Boston, it's perfectly okay to NOT be from Boston. It's a city, after all. Cleveland (and Ohio) was a bit of mix there. People were friendly enough, but it was very family-oriented and a little "bland." Most people there were from there, but they were more impressed and shocked that you'd be from somewhere else than bothered by your presence. And Taos? Well, Taos is just weird, but you all know about it here.
In the end, the friendliness factor may be more tied to the type of community than actual part of the country. From what I experienced, most of Ohio and the Pacific Northwest function more as suburbs, despite the presence of actual cities. In suburbs, people really are more isolated. They drive places (usually in their own cars), do what they have to do, and then go home to their own houses/apartments. There's less of a chance to interact with others, and it emphasizes virtues like neatness, efficiency, fairness, and isolation. By contrast, in big cities the anonymity actually provides opportunity. For example, whilst trying on clothes in a department store, you really can randomly tell the person who emerges from the stall next to you that she looks fabulous in periwinkle. You can leave your paper for the next person. You can talk to people in bars. Small towns, of course, are entirely different. If you flip off someone whilst driving there is a huge chance that you'll end-up next to that person in line at a sandwich shop or meeting them at a party. You really have to face the fact that everyone interacts with everyone else. I cannot explain why Ohio and western Washington functioned more as suburbs, why people are not friendly or willing to interact, but it is interesting.
EDIT: This was interesting, A Seattle Native Sounds Off About the "Seattle Freeze." It really says a lot, I think.
The questions: How does friendliness differ from place to place? And, yes, these are generalizations based on the media and my own experiences and opinions.
Ladibug21 lives in Seattle - just north of where I lived in Tacoma - yet much of the Pacific Northwest has the reputation for what is called The Seattle Freeze. Basically, it means that, whilst outwardly, people are almost shockingly polite, they don't really want any sort of intimacy or close friendship - especially from new people. It's been defined as, "Welcome to Seattle... Now please go away!" For example, people stop their cars to let you cross the street or merge into traffic, and they don't push ahead of you in line, but they won't, necessarily invite you out for drinks or over for dinner. But it actually goes a little deeper than that.
Boston, by contrast, is a city that takes pride in their overt rudeness. At any given time, there are many middle fingers waving the air and many expletives shouted. A request for directions might be met with silence and a "fuck off" stare, but in private people are different. It was easy to make actual friends in Boston. Co-workers socialize, friends of friends make plans, people meet at bars/gallery openings/parties and strike up friendships. I got lucky, I went to college in the Northwest, so I made friends there, so I actually had a group of friends when I went out into the working world. I also got lucky in that, through teaching, I met some cool co-workers. But that is not so true for many people. Sadly, I've known quite a few people who moved to the Northwest (especially from places like NYC, LA, Chicago, or the American South) who were appalled and saddened by how long it took to make friends - or their complete failure at doing so.
This may just be my own experience, but there is also a sense of directness amongst many residents of the Northwest that sometimes can discourage budding friendships. People may be outwardly polite when walking, driving, or riding public transportation, but when directly engaging in conversation, it is quite different. For example, I've been to many, MANY a party in which Person A may be telling a story and, part way through, Person B interrupts with something like, "But that's not true, it's a urban legend" or "You're wrong, I read in a magazine that..." and so on. I've been in many conversations in social settings in which someone directly says, "I disagree" or "that wouldn't work because..." or something to that affect. Along with that comes the idea if Person A isn't interesting to you, you can just abruptly move on. (Being raised in So Cal, these scenarios inevitably led to me talking to Person A all night and trying to make them feel better.) I've seen this directness manifest itself many times, and what strikes me about it is not that so much that it can be seen as mean or rude, but that it really discourages dialog, intimacy, and friendship.
By contrast, here in Taos, people spout off about weird, abstract, pointless shit all the time and people just listen and add their own thoughts. And, if one does disagree, they tend to couch it something like, "I see your point, but what about...." or "That's interesting, but I've always found that..." Why the difference? My guess is that it has to do with community. Taos is small and you see the same people over and over. Also, it's neither polite to be rude nor prudent to alienate others who you someday may encounter when working for your cause. Also, there is something very "old west" in the social structure of northern New Mexico. It's a tough place to exist as far as climate and we're far away from major cities. Hell, we're up in the flipping mountains. Therefore, people need each other more. There is none of the luxury of just disappearing into the city and handling many of your issues electronically. Sadly, that's part of the Seattle Freeze, too.
There is a lot of isolation in Seattle. That's true in any city, but it takes an interesting form in the Pacific Northwest. It even manifests itself in other areas, sometimes more subtly. For example, in many big cities people will leave a newspaper behind on a train for the next person or, in the case of a food court table, leave napkins/salt packets, etc. behind. When my friend from Seattle came to visit in Boston she was literally shocked be this. "It's messy," she complained. "And why would I touch anything someone else left behind? Besides, they should get their OWN stuff!" I actually thought that was odd, but, in a way it is a kind of metaphor for the Pacific Northwest itself: it's clean, it's "fair," but it doesn't go very deep in terms of community. It's also a manifestation of relative wealth and ease. Sometimes people can't afford a newspaper. Sometimes people get to the train to late to get their free paper. Sometimes you are in a hurry or forget to get salt.
I suspect that, in truly big cities, people feed off each other's leavings. For example, one thing people did in Boston was to randomly leave books/magazines places. You know, when you finish a book, leave it in a coffee shop or train station so that someone else can find it and read it. The same was kind of true of magazines, too. For some reason, some of my college/Pacific Northwest friends were bothered by this concept. Oddly, we do that in Taos, too, though it's slightly more organized. There are book exchange boxes everywhere (we even have them at work) and stuff like the Free Box where people can go and get stuff. I've not seen stuff like that quite so much in the Pacific Northwest. Sure, there are thrift stores and charity donations, but it's a little more impersonal.
What it comes down to is mostly this: in all the places I've lived social interactions are different, and I highly suspect that the root cause (if any) of this has to do with the way communities form and need each other. In Southern California there is a ton of social networking and knowing a lot of people is important. It's a social atmosphere, and all about "who you know." There are natives (I was one), but so many people are from other places, that it's sort of a cultural melting pot and difference is not only tolerated, it's encouraged. The Pacific Northwest was much more personally isolated. Your friends were your friends, but it wasn't very open in terms of meeting people. Also, there was a lot of what I would almost call xenophobia toward people from other places. If you were not born there, it's REALLY hard to fit in, and it's sometimes a bit difficult for those who were born there to recognize that there is validity in the way things are elsewhere. In Boston, it's all about co-existing in a very small space. Being a crowded and diverse city, you need to be careful about people you meet on the street (there are a lot of crazies), but once people prove not to be insane street preachers out for your money, it's all good. Also, people interact by sharing stuff without being seen. Finally, though Boston takes a lot of pride in being Boston, it's perfectly okay to NOT be from Boston. It's a city, after all. Cleveland (and Ohio) was a bit of mix there. People were friendly enough, but it was very family-oriented and a little "bland." Most people there were from there, but they were more impressed and shocked that you'd be from somewhere else than bothered by your presence. And Taos? Well, Taos is just weird, but you all know about it here.
In the end, the friendliness factor may be more tied to the type of community than actual part of the country. From what I experienced, most of Ohio and the Pacific Northwest function more as suburbs, despite the presence of actual cities. In suburbs, people really are more isolated. They drive places (usually in their own cars), do what they have to do, and then go home to their own houses/apartments. There's less of a chance to interact with others, and it emphasizes virtues like neatness, efficiency, fairness, and isolation. By contrast, in big cities the anonymity actually provides opportunity. For example, whilst trying on clothes in a department store, you really can randomly tell the person who emerges from the stall next to you that she looks fabulous in periwinkle. You can leave your paper for the next person. You can talk to people in bars. Small towns, of course, are entirely different. If you flip off someone whilst driving there is a huge chance that you'll end-up next to that person in line at a sandwich shop or meeting them at a party. You really have to face the fact that everyone interacts with everyone else. I cannot explain why Ohio and western Washington functioned more as suburbs, why people are not friendly or willing to interact, but it is interesting.
EDIT: This was interesting, A Seattle Native Sounds Off About the "Seattle Freeze." It really says a lot, I think.