..when all of a sudden, I noticed a light at the end of the tunnell...
Well, I stopped putting it off. I stopped telling myself I was being ridiculous and weak. I stopped telling myself that no one would take me seriously...I went to the doctor and sought help.
I discovered during a conversation with my mother this week that at a young age, one of my brothers was diagnosed as bipolar, and has been on lithium ever since. She also told me that in addition to the suicide attempt I remember him making (a crushing experience when I was three or four), he had tried before that as well. I was also armed with the knowledge that a few months ago, my mom was diagnosed with clinical depression which she refused to treat, but the symptoms of which have been present for the 27 years I've been alive, and were evident in her mother before her. So, when I went to the doctor, I shared these facts.
He asked me a lot of questions, but thankfully unlike the last doctor who broached this subject with me, he didn't ask me to describe a lot of personal things, or tell him about my past...because between you and me, my friends, I am very open and love nothing more than to share with you....but with a stranger staring me in the face, judging and judgement written on his face plain as day....gah, I prefer not to talk about myself and my past. Anyway, he asked me what life was like, so I told him. I'm sleeping all the time - but I'm always tired. I'm eating all day long, but I'm never full...just hungrier and hungrier. I have gained 12 pounds in less than a month. I have "flash flood" ultra high/low mood swings. I adore my husband, but I get violently angry with him over things as ridiculous as bringing home the wrong color tissues. I sometimes get angry or sad about nothing at all I can pinpoint, feelings I am then incapable of controlling. I am paranoid, often afraid to leave a room because I'm afraid of what people will say about me after I leave and worrying that every sound at night is someone trying to kill me or hurt my family. I don't do anything I love to do anymore. I can't remember things, I have trouble concentrating, and I've been getting dizzy spells and losing my balance again. Anyway.
My doctor listened, and said that he really thought I was leaning more towards depression than bipolar disease. He said bipolar have mood swings, but highs are really very, very high, and they think they can save the world and will do stupid things based on their unreasonable ideas...and then lows are huge, suicidal lows. These mood swings happen over the course of weeks or months. People with depression, on the other hand, have symptoms....just like mine, remarkably. :o) He said 20% of the American population have suffered from depression, and I shouldn't feel stupid, and that he was proud of me for finally asking for help after several years of suffering.
Soooooooooooooooooooo....I'm sorry Elanor!!! I apologize ahead of time!! It has nothing to do with you, and you must stop thinking that! ;0) Yes, "brightspot" has been put on antidepressants, too. They should relieve the symptoms of depression in as early as 7 days, and I should be feeling "normal" in a month. We're going to evaluate on 2/14, and as long as there have been no adverse health effects, I'll continue on this med for a year. After a year, he'll take me off. If I immediatly sink back into depression, we'll know it's chemical problem in me, and I will go back on the med for the rest of my life. If I manage to keep it together without, we'll know the depression was stress induced, and I will be drug and hopefully depression free for life. And honestly, I'm ok with either of those scenarios, because in BOTH of them, I'll be better. And I'm already feeling better, because I know someone besides me knows, I'm *not* crazy, and I'm going to be healthier. That's a great feeling.
At my one month, if the medicine hasn't helped, the doctor says we'll start testing for diabetes and other problems...looking for a medical reason. Regardless, I'm going to have a complete physical, which I haven't had in 6 years. I now have a regular family doctor, who is getting to know me and knows what to look and listen for in me. It feels good, too.
And Misty, James and Jen are talking about coming to see me this spring...OMG, things to look forward to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO excited about the prospect of hosting the fishsticks, which I have thus far never had the pleasure to do! Now, if I could only get Christy and Jim down...LOL On a negative note, I hear Shay may get called up to go to Iraq/Iran/Afghanaistan/wherever we're fighting right now. I am terribly worried about this, but it's ONLY a faint maybe still so Chris says it's pointless to worry about him yet...and besides, Shay is excited about the prospect. He says he'll make double pay if he's active. LOLOL!! Typical adorable, wonderful Shay. God love him.
Well, now that I have bored you ALL to tears and given you far more information than you ever needed, I am off for Daria and then bed. Love you all....sleep tight!!!
I discovered during a conversation with my mother this week that at a young age, one of my brothers was diagnosed as bipolar, and has been on lithium ever since. She also told me that in addition to the suicide attempt I remember him making (a crushing experience when I was three or four), he had tried before that as well. I was also armed with the knowledge that a few months ago, my mom was diagnosed with clinical depression which she refused to treat, but the symptoms of which have been present for the 27 years I've been alive, and were evident in her mother before her. So, when I went to the doctor, I shared these facts.
He asked me a lot of questions, but thankfully unlike the last doctor who broached this subject with me, he didn't ask me to describe a lot of personal things, or tell him about my past...because between you and me, my friends, I am very open and love nothing more than to share with you....but with a stranger staring me in the face, judging and judgement written on his face plain as day....gah, I prefer not to talk about myself and my past. Anyway, he asked me what life was like, so I told him. I'm sleeping all the time - but I'm always tired. I'm eating all day long, but I'm never full...just hungrier and hungrier. I have gained 12 pounds in less than a month. I have "flash flood" ultra high/low mood swings. I adore my husband, but I get violently angry with him over things as ridiculous as bringing home the wrong color tissues. I sometimes get angry or sad about nothing at all I can pinpoint, feelings I am then incapable of controlling. I am paranoid, often afraid to leave a room because I'm afraid of what people will say about me after I leave and worrying that every sound at night is someone trying to kill me or hurt my family. I don't do anything I love to do anymore. I can't remember things, I have trouble concentrating, and I've been getting dizzy spells and losing my balance again. Anyway.
My doctor listened, and said that he really thought I was leaning more towards depression than bipolar disease. He said bipolar have mood swings, but highs are really very, very high, and they think they can save the world and will do stupid things based on their unreasonable ideas...and then lows are huge, suicidal lows. These mood swings happen over the course of weeks or months. People with depression, on the other hand, have symptoms....just like mine, remarkably. :o) He said 20% of the American population have suffered from depression, and I shouldn't feel stupid, and that he was proud of me for finally asking for help after several years of suffering.
Soooooooooooooooooooo....I'm sorry Elanor!!! I apologize ahead of time!! It has nothing to do with you, and you must stop thinking that! ;0) Yes, "brightspot" has been put on antidepressants, too. They should relieve the symptoms of depression in as early as 7 days, and I should be feeling "normal" in a month. We're going to evaluate on 2/14, and as long as there have been no adverse health effects, I'll continue on this med for a year. After a year, he'll take me off. If I immediatly sink back into depression, we'll know it's chemical problem in me, and I will go back on the med for the rest of my life. If I manage to keep it together without, we'll know the depression was stress induced, and I will be drug and hopefully depression free for life. And honestly, I'm ok with either of those scenarios, because in BOTH of them, I'll be better. And I'm already feeling better, because I know someone besides me knows, I'm *not* crazy, and I'm going to be healthier. That's a great feeling.
At my one month, if the medicine hasn't helped, the doctor says we'll start testing for diabetes and other problems...looking for a medical reason. Regardless, I'm going to have a complete physical, which I haven't had in 6 years. I now have a regular family doctor, who is getting to know me and knows what to look and listen for in me. It feels good, too.
And Misty, James and Jen are talking about coming to see me this spring...OMG, things to look forward to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO excited about the prospect of hosting the fishsticks, which I have thus far never had the pleasure to do! Now, if I could only get Christy and Jim down...LOL On a negative note, I hear Shay may get called up to go to Iraq/Iran/Afghanaistan/wherever we're fighting right now. I am terribly worried about this, but it's ONLY a faint maybe still so Chris says it's pointless to worry about him yet...and besides, Shay is excited about the prospect. He says he'll make double pay if he's active. LOLOL!! Typical adorable, wonderful Shay. God love him.
Well, now that I have bored you ALL to tears and given you far more information than you ever needed, I am off for Daria and then bed. Love you all....sleep tight!!!