(no subject)
There is a large portion of my life during my first marriage and the time immediatly after it that I have almost completely blacked out...I only remember in vignettes, and I can't remember details like when what I'm rememebering happened. I don't know if you've ever experienced that, but it makes a person feel very helpless.
Yesterday, a few choice memories came back on me. Which is good, but painful. I've had a couple of epiphanies in the past few days. One, the reason I was getting all asshole men after my husband and I split wasn't because God had it out for me. It was because I was nightclubbing every night and was PROUD of it, and was bragging about it, and that's just the kind of guy who loves a girl who drinks like a fish and dances like a stripper. It was a choice I was making, I just didn't realize it at the time. This may sound like a silly thing to consider major, but it's taking responsibility for my choices and my actions, which is important because I've done precious little of that.
The second is that while I thought that going to the night clubs every night was making me more confident and outspoken and social, and that all my goings on there (giving men the wrong number, leading them on and blowing them off, ect) were giving me the power that my exhusband had taken away, the reality is that the way I was behaving was humiliating to me and cruel to them. While the memories of dancing the night away in a Zima-induced fog with my girlfriend will always be fond to me, the memories of the people I hurt, the horrible situations I got myself into, and imagining what my co-workers REALLY thought of me as opposed to how I THOUGHT they perceived me is almost too painful to be faced.
And that doesn't even begin to touch on all the online relationships/phone relationships I had, and their nature, which was just....oh my Lord, I was stupid.
So, in the next few days and weeks, I may use this journal to document a lot of the memories that were lost, so I can capture them before they're gone again. I need to remember it all exactly like it was, good and bad, and vent it or it will poison me. So it may get a little dark. And if any of you want to remove me from your friends list while I work through this or whatever, please don't feel bad about it...I'm not the kind who will hate you for that. As long as I can still follow along with your lives on my friends list, I'm content. Just fair warning, because I'm doing some kind of self-discovery thing again. Damn, and I thought I finished that when I was 22. *mock sighs* *grins*
As for outside my head in the real world...my Naploean boss has been very, very kind and instructive in the past few days. It's a false calm, I know, but it's been really nice to not have that stress. I have an interview next Tuesday, and it sounds interesting, so that should be good. Chris and I have been fighting, which is has been due mostly to my mood swings that have been wide and wild. I need to call my doctor again, dammit. On my list of to-do's for this morning. It's also due to the fact that he is a man, but that can't be helped. Lorelei has been getting up between twice and 4 times a night, too, and when you only get 6 hours of sleep to begin with, the interruption is highly unwelcome.
Now I'm off for the shower...I hope you're all doing well. You're all in my thoughts, especially Elanor with her upcoming wedding, Jen with her upcoming graduation, and Misty with her upcoming...both of the above. :o) I love you.
Yesterday, a few choice memories came back on me. Which is good, but painful. I've had a couple of epiphanies in the past few days. One, the reason I was getting all asshole men after my husband and I split wasn't because God had it out for me. It was because I was nightclubbing every night and was PROUD of it, and was bragging about it, and that's just the kind of guy who loves a girl who drinks like a fish and dances like a stripper. It was a choice I was making, I just didn't realize it at the time. This may sound like a silly thing to consider major, but it's taking responsibility for my choices and my actions, which is important because I've done precious little of that.
The second is that while I thought that going to the night clubs every night was making me more confident and outspoken and social, and that all my goings on there (giving men the wrong number, leading them on and blowing them off, ect) were giving me the power that my exhusband had taken away, the reality is that the way I was behaving was humiliating to me and cruel to them. While the memories of dancing the night away in a Zima-induced fog with my girlfriend will always be fond to me, the memories of the people I hurt, the horrible situations I got myself into, and imagining what my co-workers REALLY thought of me as opposed to how I THOUGHT they perceived me is almost too painful to be faced.
And that doesn't even begin to touch on all the online relationships/phone relationships I had, and their nature, which was just....oh my Lord, I was stupid.
So, in the next few days and weeks, I may use this journal to document a lot of the memories that were lost, so I can capture them before they're gone again. I need to remember it all exactly like it was, good and bad, and vent it or it will poison me. So it may get a little dark. And if any of you want to remove me from your friends list while I work through this or whatever, please don't feel bad about it...I'm not the kind who will hate you for that. As long as I can still follow along with your lives on my friends list, I'm content. Just fair warning, because I'm doing some kind of self-discovery thing again. Damn, and I thought I finished that when I was 22. *mock sighs* *grins*
As for outside my head in the real world...my Naploean boss has been very, very kind and instructive in the past few days. It's a false calm, I know, but it's been really nice to not have that stress. I have an interview next Tuesday, and it sounds interesting, so that should be good. Chris and I have been fighting, which is has been due mostly to my mood swings that have been wide and wild. I need to call my doctor again, dammit. On my list of to-do's for this morning. It's also due to the fact that he is a man, but that can't be helped. Lorelei has been getting up between twice and 4 times a night, too, and when you only get 6 hours of sleep to begin with, the interruption is highly unwelcome.
Now I'm off for the shower...I hope you're all doing well. You're all in my thoughts, especially Elanor with her upcoming wedding, Jen with her upcoming graduation, and Misty with her upcoming...both of the above. :o) I love you.