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There is a large portion of my life during my first marriage and the time immediatly after it that I have almost completely blacked out...I only remember in vignettes, and I can't remember details like when what I'm rememebering happened. I don't know if you've ever experienced that, but it makes a person feel very helpless
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I think I haven't really expressed well what I'm feeling right now...and Christy, please don't think that I don't have extremely fond memories of that time, because all the memories I have of hanging with you are extremely happy. Too enticing, if anything...when the kids are weighing me down, I find myself wishing for those days of carefree girlshood.
Here was the exodus for that post. The other day, I was entering daily sales totals for the restaurants, and I got to wondering if there was a significant drop off in sales of Zima and Chambourd when I stopped going to Columbus. So I asked Anita what catagory Zima fell into, and she said "I don't know...how much did it cost?" And ok....you guys....I DIDN'T KNOW. I DIDN'T *KNOW*!!! Do you know how much Zima I drank?!?! But I never thought about the cost...I'd hand them my credit card and sign at the end of the night. I didn't have the money to do that! I had NO business spending money like it was water...I wasn't making enough of it to do that. I lost my apartment because I did shyt like that. I suspect I lost my car because of an imprudent relationship with a bouncer that went ary. I was so busy trying to numb the pain that I wasn't thinking of myself or my kids or anything. I didn't get treated for depression and seek medication or counseling.
I'm not trying to beat myself up with these things, but for three years I've been a "victim". I've been telling myself that everything that happened to me was because of something else. Anything that was too painful to face, or too humuliating, I totally blacked out...which has left me with a lot of holes. People ask me how something happened, or why, and I just stare at them blankly. I don't remember. So now I'm pulling those memories back to me, because I need to piece the story together...for myself to learn from, if nothing else.
At any rate...thank you three for supporting me and being there and caring. You always were, and you still are even when I'm being a distant poop-head, and I appreciate that. *grins* I love ya!
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