burned out stars, they shine so bright (1/2)
burned out stars, they shine so bright.
rainbow. noeul-centric, noeul/jaekyung.
14,000 words. nc-17.
originally written for kpop olymfics 2015.
warnings for implied dub-con (sexual intercourse), drug use (volontary and non-consented), brief mention of suicide.
"Please give me strength,
I want to chase after the light in the darkness and catch it,
Wherever I am, no one can stop me"
"Do wanna say, wanna say, wanna say..."
Noeul sings along as Gossip Girl is played loudly in the practice room. The words come easy on her lips, almost as a mantra learnt a long time ago and never forgotten, despite the years passing.
There's a bit of truth to this, she guesses as her feet hit the ground in sync with the music. A debut song is, by default, difficult to forget. A seven year old debut song that is still included in your set-list every time you get gigs at low-key university festivals, even more so.
The choreography, especially simple as it is, is one all the members have mastered years ago and Noeul often wonders what's even the point of this - being here hours on ends practicing choreographies they would be able to achieve in their sleep, believing that whatever they're doing isn't useless, hoping they still have a chance to hit it big.
A yelp of pain from her right snaps her away from her thoughts. She turns her head a little to the side but doesn't stop dancing. No one does, no one ever does. She manages to catch Seunga's eyes as said girl rubs her elbow.
Noeul quickly looks away, unable to smile back and she closes her eyes, willing the guilt she’s feeling to go away soon.
The practice room they use nowadays has barely enough space for the seven of them to be comfortable while dancing and accidents such as arms hitting bare concrete walls or feet being stepped on had been frequent when they had started coming down in the basement to train, a few months ago.
They still are, to an extent.
Indeed, it's easy to forget they're all standing at arm’s-length of each other in this small room and even easier to forget that the ample movements they were once taught and are used to make need to be toned down now. Incidents are always laughed off with either a shrug or an apologetic smile and Noeul supposes it's the only thing they can do - laugh them off and move on as if nothing happened.
After all, turning a blind eye to anything remotely unpleasant is a well-known rule in this industry.
But the elephant in this room and following each of them everywhere they go exists, she often wants to point out. It will keep on existing until it’s addressed and dealt with once and for all.
It will continue being there even during encounters with fellow idols backstage, their smiles irritatingly polite as they barely mask their surprise at seeing them having a schedule; it will still be around as more popular dongsaeng-deul call them sunbaenim-deul, with either a hint of pity or undisguised mockery in their eyes.
It’s there, it's always there and it’s everywhere - in the company building, her apartment, even in Jeonju where the gazes of her relatives and townsfolk have hurt her more than anything else had before.
It’s tough, knowing you haven’t met the expectations that had been set upon you. It’s tough, moving forward in a music industry where you don’t fit. It’s tough but they still did it, trying to hold proudly onto what they had achieved, with a bond and a friendship no one could rob them of.
Seven years into debut and an original line-up still perfectly intact. More popular bands hadn’t even been to able to achieve that and she remembers how during the few interviews they had the past few years, journalists had often asked them how they had done it - staying together. She remembers the implication behind their words, the ”Why haven’t you given up and left yet?” they hadn’t pronounced but ringing so clear, so loud in her ears and hitting her so deeply inside she could still hear them at nights if she tried.
Why should they give up? Why should they stop doing what they like? She remembers asking herself. Even if things change, even if nothing is the same as it once was, Rainbow is their rock and source of happiness.
While we have grown up and ourselves changed, our bond hasn’t, Jaekyung had said once as they had left the building to go back to their respective places.
It hasn’t changed and won’t change, they had all agreed as their tired faces had lightened up for a second, finding comfort in that fact.
Not everything has to change, even if a lot did and would continue to do so.
Not everything has, even if a multitude of things, both inside and outside the korean pop industry, have since Rainbow has debuted.
Noeul has seen it all - the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly.
Young teenagers debuting, eyes bright and smiles even brighter or groups hitting their five, six, seven anniversary and pushing themselves to go a bit further, fueled by the desire of spending another year together.
And along with them, the ones unable to make an impact on the market, crashing and burning so fast that almost no one remembered them, their focus instead on the few ones that had succeeded in hitting it big - either overnight and a random bust of luck or after countless sleepless nights and hard work.
Noeul has seen it all, has seen it all happen but not to them, never to them.
It's March 2016 and for Rainbow, nothing has changed.
-
Her phone rings suddenly, breaking the calm atmosphere of her apartment.
Noeul flinches as the sharp sound of her ringtone echoes in her living room, surprising her, and she blindly searches for her tv remote, finding it under one of the too many pillows she has on her couch. She quickly mutes the afternoon show her inattentive mind had put on as a distraction and concentrates on her ringtone, trying to find out where the sound could come from.
Her ringtone feels foreign to her ears. It could have been days or maybe even weeks since the last time she had heard it. Noeul doesn't remember, doesn't have anything to remember.
Calls are a rare occurrence, except for the regular ones from her parents and Ara; the sweet words her mom always utters or the bubbly chatting of her sister often ends up being the highlights of her week. It’s too soon for her sister to have a new boyfriend or something worthy to share, though, and her mom wouldn't call in the middle of the afternoon.
The phone stops ringing before she can find it and her eyebrows scrunch together in displeasure at missing what could have been a break in the routine she has been going through these past few months.
An unexpected phone call could only mean something was going to happen. It could be good, it could be bad. It is something, at least.
Noeul doesn’t lose time when it starts buzzing again. She crouches down on her carpet to look under her sofa, then straightens up and starts throwing the pillows decorating it everywhere. She will care about the mess later. She has to find that phone, has to take that call no matter what.
A sigh of relief slips past her lips as she manages to find it, laying there under the red and soft orange cushions and she makes a mental note to stop buying a cushion every time Jaekyung drags her furniture shopping.
“Are you that busy? I thought you would be quicker to answer.” Her manager greets her, the hint of teasing and playfulness in his voice making her roll her eyes.
Once upon a time, when she didn’t mind the free time and getting a few days in a row without schedules, she used to find it funny.
Now is a different story, now she’s a white bird in a golden cage who waits and waits again for the day she will be let out, wondering when she will be let free and able to join the happier people she sees walking in the streets.
She’s a bird who wants to spread her wings and fly away to places she hasn’t been to, to lands she hasn’t conquered yet.
Trying to fly in a cage does get tiring, and she’s tired of standing still.
“Not really, no," she answers, swallowing back the acidic words burning her throat, the words she always thinks but never says. "Why are you calling, oppa?"
The grip on her phone gets tighter as he doesn't reply immediately. Red flashes in front of her eyes, the silence stretching and she can feel it - her heartbeat accelerating, her breath slowing down. Is it the end? Just like that? Aren't they worth more than a two minute call? Do the girls-
"Come down to the office," he says after what seems an eternity but couldn't be more than a few seconds, a minute at most. "There's something we need to talk about."
"Is it-?" The words refuse to come out, as if pronouncing them would make them real. It probably is but the hope inside her is still alive, still burning so strongly that it consumes her whole and leaves her shaking, her legs unable to support them much longer and she leans against her couch.
"Just come. Right now."
The sound of the dial tone still echoes in her ears even as she puts on her shoes, a battered pair of running shoes that had seen better days, and grabs a long black trench coat that Jaekyung had declared to be a trend and had forced her to buy, one or two years ago.
Noeul can already imagine her leader's face when she will see her outfit - her perfectly trimmed brows turned downwards and and her lips twisted in a small grimace. She would deal with Jaekyung's feelings over her lack of fashion sense later, when she wouldn't have to worry about whether she would have a band and a career tomorrow, when she wouldn't have to worry to see a decade of hard work slip through her fingers and disintegrate into thin air with no one remembering her name in a few months, if not a few days (if it’s not already forgotten, the voice at the back of her mind whispers).
She would deal with anything that wasn't her future later but now, she had to go and find out if she would even be Rainbow’s Noeul tomorrow, had to know in which direction the bird was going to go - towards the entertainment scene again or down another road.
The bird is leaving its cage, but Noeul doesn’t feel happy.
-
Later means immediately since Jaekyung is there, leaning against the wall facing her front door.
Noeul should have expected it, should have expected that she would be there and waiting for her. Jaekyung had always done so - waiting for her so they could leave for practice or the occasional schedule they shared together. It had started randomly, soon after they had all moved out from their cramped dorm to try out living alone.
While the other girls were scattered all over Seoul with a few of them, such as Hyunyoung and Seunga, moving closer to their parents’ places, Jaekyung and her had decided to stay in Nonhyeon-dong1. Living close to the company headquarters had been her choice, the only criteria she had taken into account to find a new place. Nonhyeon-dong was the only area of Seoul she had known since she had moved from the countryside all those years ago, the only place in Seoul she knew like the back of her hand and where she didn’t feel as a complete stranger. The narrow and grey streets of the dong, full of outdated apartment complexes or faded front stores disfiguring the view are nothing like the green areas and the pure fresh air she had grown up with in Jeollabuk-do and would never be home but it was a place she had gotten familiar with. She didn’t belong there but had learnt to fit in.
Moving into the same building had been completely unplanned on their part though, and had surprised them both. Noeul had known Jaekyung would also want to stay close to the DSP building as her schedule was more packed than the rest of them and her involvement with the creative team had grown bigger and bigger over the years but they had never talked about it, had never approached the subject of perhaps moving close to each other (and staying together while being separated).
Noeul had secretly hoped it would happen or that, at least, they wouldn’t be too far from each other. Kim Jaekyung had been Rainbow’s leader for the past seven years and had been Noeul’s anchor for as long, keeping her afloat when nothing and no one else could. She needed her close, more than she was ready to confess.
“I just got the call,” Jaekyung says as she closes her front door. Noeul pointedly ignores the disapproving glance Jaekyung gives her after eyeing her clothes and starts walking down the hallway, her friend just behind her. “I hope it’s great news.”
“I hope so, too,” she answers after a long pause, stepping into the empty street.
It’s true. She hopes it’s good news, she just knows it isn’t.
Jaekyung links an arm through hers and they start the five minute walk leading them to their fate. The March wind blows softly and rays of sunshine are poking through a sky full of clouds, warming her face and her body. It’s a good day for a walk. It’s a good day, period,she tries to convince herself as she takes a deep breath and tries to enjoy the feeling of warmness against her skin.
She had forgotten how it felt to feel warm.
“What do you think this is about?” Jaekyung asks, breaking the silence that had settled between them as they near the company’s office. Only a few teenagers are waiting in front of it, two dozen at most, and none of them is a familiar face. There hasn’t been a fan waiting for them in years but Noeul doesn’t mind much. She likes being able to walk freely in the streets, of being a woman of twenty-eight2 years old woman almost like any other.
Noeul is surprised she didn’t ask sooner, tilting her head to one side, deep in thought as she’s pondering over her answer. Not over what to answer, no, but over whether she should answer. All truth is good, but not all truth is good to say, she remembers her mom saying to her once.
Her truth is one of those.
A slight shrug of her shoulders is her only reaction and she firmly looks ahead, ignoring the concerned glances Jaekyung throws her way and the grip that gets tighter on her arm, the worried ramble about that meeting coming out on her friend’s lips being washed away by the polite greetings of the secretaries and security guards as they step into the building.
She sighs in relief at the words she won’t have to say, the suspicions she won’t have to voice.
I think it’s the end.
-
“Look at who finally decided to show up,” Jisook teases, the wheels of her chair squeaking on the floor tiles as she turns around in her seat to wave at them. “That’s not very leader-like, Jaekyung unnie.”
“Yeah,” Hyunyoung adds, a little grin stretching her lips upwards, “Managers came twice to check on you but you weren’t here, unnie. So professional, really.”
The both of them burst into laughter and Noeul looks fondly at them, relieved that the two girls don’t seem tense or worried.
Noeul stops in her tracks, halfway in the middle of the room, processing the maknae’s words and looking straight at Jaekyung, her eyebrows settled into a frown. “Didn’t you get the call just before me?” she mouths at her and Jaekyung just shakes her head slightly, dismissing the subject as she looks away and focuses on the two youngest instead, flicking them off.
Of course, she didn’t.
Noeul doesn’t know how to feel about this, about their leader discarding her duties for her. I’m not only your leader, Jaekyung would say, I’m also your friend and it’s as important to me, if not more. She appreciates it, she always does, but it doesn’t make her feel better.
A sigh escapes her lips and she sits down in the closest chair she can find, right between Yoonhye and Woori and the rapper looks at her, a worried expression on her face. “What’s wrong? Are you nervous about this?”
Noeul shakes her head. It doesn’t convince Woori though, as she looks at Noeul straight in the eyes, patting her arm softly, “You shouldn’t. Whatever happens, we’re going to pull through.”
She doesn’t have time to answer, doesn't get to point out that Woori's tone is unsure as their two managers and the current sajangnim, along with a representative of the Public Relations department, enter the meeting room. All the girls get up in sync, bowing at ninety degrees, surprised the current director is attending a meeting for once.
Seeing Lee Hoyeon’s wife3 in front of them only made her fears more real. Things had never been the same since the wife of their former sajangnim had taken over and everyone in the agency knows it. Meetings with the CEO in charge are rare and few in between and her presence could only mean serious business.
The request for them to sit down again couldn’t come any quicker and she doesn’t even realize her legs are trembling until Woori puts a hand over them. Noeul doesn’t miss the look she and Jaekyung exchange but she closes her eyes, forcing herself to ignore it, to not blow out of proportion something as trivial as a glance.
“It has been a long time since we have been reunited like this,” she starts and Noeul clenches her hands together, willing her to go the point. Don’t drag this, please. Don’t.
"I guess you are all wondering why you are here, right?" The woman continues, smiling briefly once she notices Seunga and Yoonhye nodding and the curious smile of Jisook. Noeul casts a quick look on her right to catch Jaekyung's expression but the older's expression is blank, showing nothing. Noeul knows the other has slipped into her leader role and is preparing herself to hold down the fort no matter what comes their way.
"I won't make you wait any longer. MBC is planning to launch a new reality show soon and there's a huge possibility one or two of you will be casted."
Oh. Oh.
It feels like all the air present in the room is filling her lungs, choking her, strangling her, overpowering her and she resists the urge to put her head between her knees, refuses to show more weakness that she already has.
This is not the end is the only thing she's able to process as it rings again and again in her head. It's not over, they aren't over.
Oblivious to her, the sajangnim’s wife continues, a grimmer expression now set on her face. "I'm sure you're aware there are lots of candidates. Park Daehwan-ssi," she gestures to the slightly overweight beside her, his pepper and salt haircut in a clean cut around the ears making him look younger than he is, "still managed to secure you but one of you has to meet Lee Sangchul PD-nim and the MBC representatives..."
Everything comes to a stop in the room. From the corner of her eye, Noeul sees Yoonhye freeze in her seat, her hands tight on the armchair and she's sure most of them had similar reactions.
Meetings like these, with the producers and representatives, are never good news. None of them had ever experienced them, never had to as the company had always used its name and the names of its prior successful artists to get them to places, but they all knew what kind of things happened there. It was impossible not to know, impossible to ignore all the stories heard in the hallways of broadcast stations and the side-eyed glances some of the rookies - pretty, pretty rookies shining with youth, their bright eyes burning you and their too sweet smiles difficult to digest - had been given upon the favors they had been accorded so easily. Too easily.
But the Rainbow members aren't rookies. They haven't been in a long time and Noeul wonders which one of them is going to be one of those idols - one with suspicion and rumors following her everywhere she goes, harsh words and even harsher looks haunting her in the silence of the night, when she is curled in her bed and wondering when and where she went wrong, the rest of the world going on without her, blind or ignorant to her suffering.
Noeul doesn't miss the pointed look the sajangnim’s wife and the representative exchange nor the glances their two managers throw at them, their usual smiling faces now closed off and serious. The silence is deafening and the tension is palpable, rising a little more for every second where no word is uttered.
“It’s an opportunity you won’t ever have again,” one of them breaks. Noeul is too lost in her thoughts to notice who, the words hitting her harder than she thought it was possible.
It’s now or never, she knows. The seven of them know it, had always known it. A group with no music show win in seven years should even grateful to still exist and they can’t throw this opportunity away.
Beggars can’t be choosers has never sounded truer and it’s a reality they have to accept.
A feeling akin to dread seizes her and she looks around the room, trying to catch the members’ eyes. Yoonhye’s eyes are wide, even bigger than usual, and Noeul would have cracked a smile if the situation wasn’t so stuffy. Seunga and Woori are looking at each other, deep frowns marking their foreheads, and Jaekyung’s face is still impassible, her pokerface difficult to read to anyone who doesn’t know her, but Noeul doesn’t miss the twitch of her upper lip. She skips over Jisook and Hyunyoung’s faces, too afraid of what she could find.
One of them has to do it. It’s the flat, cold truth. One of them has to and Noeul doesn’t want it to be any of the six women she considers as her own sisters. One of them has to do it and she doesn’t want to it be Hyunyoung, Jisook, Yoonhye, Seunga, Woori or Jaekyung who seems ready to assume her leader position.
The words slips past her lips before she can think them twice over.
"I will go."
-
"It's just a simple meeting, unnie," Yoonhye says, squeezing her hand tightly and breaking the heavy silence that had settled between them after they had been left alone in the room.
“Yeah,” the two youngests nod before Hyunyoung adds, her eyes shining with mischief, “You’re kind of old, anyway.” They shriek as Jaekyung, Woori and Seunga throw them dark glares, being older than Noeul by a year, and they step back, ready to run away all the while muttering under their breath how women reaching their thirties are scary.
Noeul scoffs inwardly, a look of fondness on her face as she’s grateful for what they are trying to do, as awkward as it is. She doesn’t know if they are trying to reassure her or themselves but she appreciates the gesture, appreciate the fact they’re trying. It doesn’t change anything, doesn’t make anything better even but Noeul wouldn’t have wanted them to react any other way.
Jaekyung slips away from the rest of the group, wrapping an arm around her waist and leaning her head against her shoulder, “Are you sure about this?” Jaekyung pauses, her hold on Noeul’s getting tighter before she continues, the softness of her voice quite a contrast with the tight embrace she’s being trapped in. “Never forget you can always say no.”
Beggars can’t be choosers is the only thing she hears instead, again and again.
She can’t choose to say “no”, not anymore, not even if she wanted to.
She’s a beggar, not a chooser.
She stays silent.
-
The first thing she notices upon entering the office are the two bottles of champagne disposed on a coffee table near the window wall overlooking the usually busy streets of Sangam-dong, now calm after the daily activities animating them are over.
They look excessively expensive, the foreign sounding words classily embossed in black calligraphy on the cream bottle labels making her feel even more out of place. She tugs at the fabric barely covering her pale thighs - a black dress made of silk and covered in sequins - missing the comfort and familiarity of her large jumpers and sweatpants.
Wearing a dress had made sense, as had been wearing more make-up than usual, but it didn't feel right. She didn't feel like herself in that old dress she had found in the back of her closet, couldn't recognize herself with that eyeliner too thick and that lipstick too red.
A voice greets her as she steps further into the office. "Noeul yang4, what a pleasure."
There's three of them, faces she has never seen before but names she will probably won't forget anytime soon. The one who greets her is tall, wearing a well-cut suit that is molded to his toned frame. He's probably in his late forties or early fifties, Noeul guesses, and he carries an air of confidence that takes her breath away for a moment.
They all introduce themselves as she takes place on one of the two black leather couches near the same glass-panelled wall that had caught her eyes when she had walked in. She nods at the right times, smile when she needs to, never introducing herself.
She doesn't need to, they know who she is. She should feel flattered, powerful even. She feels cornered instead and the tight grip she has on the glass of champagne they put in her hand is the only thing that reminds her that she's in control.
For now, at least.
The conversation flows well, better than what she had expected. A few laughs and polite conversation before business talk starts, making her relax, the leather molded to her back in a comfortable way.
The project is fully exposed to her by the show producer who is sitting next to her. It’s nothing new, just another reality program focused on dating after the cancellation of We Got Married a few months prior. It has potential, she notices, as the explanations keep on coming. Celebrities living together in a mansion and going on dates based the result of games they will play are definitely going to please the curious and perverted minds of the avid netizens that are always wanting and wishing for more, more, more.
It has enough potential for her to stay and ignore the heavy hand that has been sitting on her bare thigh, the fabric of her dress riding too high for her to be at ease.
A few deep breaths and too much champagne are going to do the trick. She hopes it will.
It seems to be enough as hours pass and nothing happens. They seem to be perfect gentlemen but Noeul doesn't buy it. There's a dark glint in their eyes every time they look at her, something sinister lurking in the shadows of that room.
Noeul calms herself down, laughs a little too loudly, not always at the right time anymore. It seems to amuse them as they look at her with what could be mistaken for fondness but isn't.
It's almost funny how despite being on edge all night, she hadn't seen it coming. She doesn't even register what's happening at first, not until she feels another man next to her and another hand on her thigh, that one more daring. It's the executive director, the same man who had taken her breath away when she had entered his office.
He's taking her breath away once again now but it’s not as pleasant, the shock and surprise on her face impossible to miss as he starts kissing her neck.
She wonders if her imagination isn't playing tricks on her. She has been so tense all night, that maybe, she's finally snapping and making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe, it’s just a dream.
But she knows that if she was dreaming, it wouldn’t be of this.
It wouldn’t be of this nightmare happening next to her as he slowly unzips his pants, freeing an erection she hadn't even noticed. It's there, curving against his stomach, an angry red that contrasts with the pristine white of his shirt.
Her face is flushed red, too. From the drinks, shame or both, she doesn't know.
"Pretty, pretty Noeul. I have been waiting for this all night."
A whimper slips past her lips as the words echoes in the now silent office, the polite chit-chat having died down so naturally Noeul knows it's neither the first or the last time this will happen for the three men.
Noeul doesn't move, her gaze glued on the floor, looking at anything but their eyes. It can't be happening, it can't be happening, it can't be happening.
Time seems to have stopped, no one moving nor talking, her erratic breath breaking the oppressive silence of the room.
Her eyes haven't left the floor and she doesn't want to look up, doesn't want to meet their eyes that she knows are on her. Tears are starting to pool in hers but she doesn't feel them burning, too focused on not letting them fall. She doesn't feel anything, not the blunt pain coming from her nails piercing the skin of her palms, not the stiffness in her legs.
Why are there tears in her eyes, even? She isn't crying. She has just stared too much, for too long. It's not crying. It's not.
She's just under hypnosis, unable to look at them even as her eyes get so watery she can't see what's in front of her anymore.
Then again, maybe it's for better, she thinks, her blurry vision preventing her from seeing his erection near her lips as he pushes her head down. She doesn’t see it but she feels it, poking her cheek and precum smearing against it.
Her face jerks away, almost on instinct but she can’t move away, not with the vice grip he has on her hair, harshly tugging on it in hope to make her open her mouth.
She doesn’t want to but it has never been about what she wanted, she realizes. It would probably never be.
"Suck."
He doesn't have to say it twice.
-
The water cascading down her back and pooling at her feet is cold, freezing even. In the back of her mind, Noeul wonders how the water can still feel so good against her skin, feeling like both relief and deliverance. but anything is better than the phantom feeling of their hands on her body.
She barely recalls how and when she had gotten home, doesn’t want to remember the stares she had gotten from the early risers she had met on her way, their eyes judgemental and unforgiving.
She had wanted to laugh in their faces, but laughing, even bitterly, had been too difficult. She had waited, again and again, for that sparkle of recognition to ignite in their eyes, more desperate for it than ever. It had never happened, not once.
She is not Noeul of Rainbow for them. No, she is just another whore to stare down and judge.
And maybe, she is. Hadn't she wanted to go? She had. She had wanted to go, hadn't said no to them either and as twisted as it is, if she had to do it again, she would.
She would, for the six girls who are counting on her, for her team, for them to shine a bit longer. There's no rainbow without sunshine but there's no rainbow without a little bit of rain either.
She scrubs her skin again in a vain effort to make it all disappear. Nothing changes, nothing except the color of her skin - now an angry red, the same one that cock was.
It just makes her scrub harder. Her arms first, where they had hold her to make sure she wouldn't move. Her chest then, breasts now tender and sore. Between her thighs, finally, where it hurts the most (along with her heart but there's no solution for that pain, there won't ever be one).
She rubs until her skin is so red she’s under the impression it’s now a dark brown hue. She stays under the shower jet until her skin turns blue. Red and blue, the irony isn’t lost on her5.
There's a deep satisfaction inside her though, as the pale skin they had praised and called beautiful is now nothing like the porcelain they had compared it to.
It’s not much, but it’s enough for her to make her turn the water off and step out of the shower stall. Water pools around her feet, dripping off her body and onto the white tiles but she doesn’t care, feet leaving wet footprints on the wooden floor of her apartment as she drags herself out of the bathroom.
The view awaiting her as she nears her bedroom doesn’t surprise her but still makes her stop at the threshold of the room. Jaekyung is fast asleep, comfortably nestled under the covers.
There’s a flash of envy in her eyes as Noeul observes how peaceful her face looks. She wonders if she will ever be able to sleep peacefully ever again, if she will ever be able to rest at all.
She quietly walks towards the unoccupied side of her bed, settling herself under the covers and pulling them up over her legs. They feel rugged against her bare skin but she likes it, likes that she doesn’t feel their hands on her skin for a fleeting moment.
“How did it go?” Jaekyung mumbles, her eyes closed and her voice hoarse with sleep. “Did something happen?” She asks again, more pressing this time as Noeul stays silent.
Jaekyung still hasn’t opened her eyes and Noeul wonders how she would react at her nudity if she did. She probably wouldn’t react at all, too used to it after years of living together and boundaries long forgotten. There’s nothing alarming in the situation.
Almost nothing.
But then again, Noeul isn’t sure she wants Jaekyung to react, to worry, to know. Jaekyung already worries, worries enough to use the password Noeul had given her for emergencies, even falling asleep after waiting for her all night.
Her decision is made before she even has time to register it.
“No, nothing happened. We just talked.” Her voice doesn’t waver, not even once. “It was fun.”
“Good,” Jaekyung whispers, moving closer to her and wrapping an arm around her waist. Noeul just hums, not bothering with an answer. There’s nothing to say, anyway.
She couldn’t talk even if she tried, not as tears are running down her face and making her choke on air, not when she has just flinched at the touch of her closest friend and it finally hits her that nothing in her life will ever be the same.
-
Her phone rings and the déjà-vu of the situation leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. A few days ago, hearing that ringtone had been everything she had ever wanted. A few days ago, she wouldn’t have thought twice about picking up.
But this time, there’s no rush to get the call. Noeul doesn’t move, letting it ring and counting the seconds it takes for her phone to fall silent.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen seconds. Isn’t it funny how your life can change in thirteen seconds? A gesture of simple as getting a call can change your life forever, erasing all you knew and all you were. Purely fascinating.
She's lying on her bed, the same covers as the ones she'd used that night pooling around her waist, her hands behind her head as her eyes fixate on the ceiling. It’s captivating, how the white spot she has been staring at for hours doesn’t seem white anymore, but an ugly grey instead.
The more you look, the more imperfections you see and she wonders if someone will ever look at her long enough to see all the cracks behind her doll face.
A quick glance at her phone confirms what she already knows and a sigh escapes her lips, knowing she won’t be able to escape them forever. The light of the phone screen hurts her eyes as she stares with blank eyes at the six calls that she has missed. Deliberately missed, but missed nonetheless.
Isn’t seven supposed to be a lucky number? She hopes it is, as she grabs her phone and finally picks up the upcoming call. She’s in a dire need of luck but then again, is what she needs even important?
“What in hell were you doing?” Her manager sneers, a rhetorical question that he doesn't think is worth an answer, and he goes on, his words now missing the bite that was present in his tone a few seconds ago. "Anyway, I have a great news. We got the MBC deal."
I got the deal, almost slips past her lips but she bites hard on her lower lip to stop them from tumbling out. Being petty won't change anything and the last thing she actually wants is credits for her actions that night.
"Did we?" is what she says instead, voice calm but laced with contempt and a detachment he probably doesn't even hear, too focused on his next words or something that isn't her.
"Yeah, they're taking two members. Woori and Jisook are starting the filming next week." She turns him off, his voice in the background as she's left with her thoughts.
Woori and Jisook. Of course. It had to be expected, with the small popularity both had gained the previous year. Woori's small acting gig in Flower of the Queen had paid off, getting her some recognition. The same could be said for Jisook and her fixed appearances on radio shows and Entertainment Weekly.
They would be stupid to not use them, she knows. Sending her would have been stupid. It's their last chance and there's no room for errors.
The small hope she had deep inside her hasn't disappeared yet but it will. Noeul just feels relieved it isn't turning into a green monster she's not sure she could handle. There's no place for that in their team, never has been, and both Woori and Jisook have more than enough on their plates, carrying Rainbow's fate on their shoulders.
"That's great." She manages to utter, a little bit of genuine enthusiasm in her tone as she imagines the happiness of her friends' faces at the news.
It's not much and apparently, not enough for her manager. "Aren't you happy? You should be!"
"I am." She swallows back the bile rising in her throat and a few words as bitter along with it. "Of course, I am."
She will tell it to whoever wants to hear it, again and again. She will tell it until she believes it.
Her manager hums. "You should be proud of you. We hoped for a member but they agreed on two. It's a miracle! Good job, Noeullie."
Good job.
Noeul wants to scream at him until her throat is raw, wants to yell at him until he justifies what's good about laying on her back and opening her legs when she has trained for years to be so much more than that, to never have to go that far.
She doesn't.
She runs away instead, dropping her phone on the ground without bothering to end a conversation she hadn't wanted to begin. She runs in her bathroom where she doesn't swallow back this time and let it all go.
It's bitter, the taste of her bile in her mouth. It's bitter but not as much as the pain in her heart.
-
The show starts airing before she even realizes it. It has only been a month, six weeks at most but time goes by slowly in her golden cage, almost as if it has stopped.
The same cage she has so desperately wanted to break free of is now her shelter from the outside world and from a reality she wants to forget. It works for awhile - ignoring everything that isn’t happening in her bubble, but Noeul isn’t a fool and knows no one escapes reality for long.
It always catches up to you. Always.
The airing of that show, House of Romance, is exactly that, as she finally has to accept that what happened isn't a dream. She couldn't even if she tried because the show is a materialisation of that night and all the nightmares that haunted her and still continue to do so.
It's a fun show, she remembers Jisook telling her once, as they went out for coffee during one of the younger's recording break. She had enjoyed listening to all her stories about the idols and the actors both her and Woori had been rooming with, had been glad to know that something good - even something as trivial as her girls getting acquainted with more people in this industry and making new friends - could come out of this program.
This had been enough to chase the nightmares for a night or two and as twisted as it was, the right push to make her want to watch the show.
It's fun, indeed. She watches it with a weird fascination, captivated by the new friendships forming and the love-lines that are blooming almost in real time. The public loves it too, the non-scripted policy of the show and the freshness of the cast doing wonders.
Noeul also understands why the company picked Woori and Jisook over the rest, over her as she follows with the show with a bizarre interest. All of Jisook's talents are exposed, impressing netizens, and Woori's down-to-heart personality and playful yet sexy demeanor is surprisingly a hit.
It's nothing new, she thinks bitterly. They always have been great girls, just unfortunate ones who had never had an opportunity to broadcast their charms.
Better late than never, at least.
It seems that the netizens agree as the whole country goes into a Rainbow frenzy. It takes them by surprise, as they hadn’t been expecting it. Why would it be different this time? What do they have now that they hadn’t before?
It starts with countless demands for radio gigs, interviews and variety shows guestings for Jisook and Woori at first, then two or three members and finally all of them as their old songs are being brought back on the charts reaching positions in them they had only dreamed of.
It's also more than what the company had ever hoped for they give them the green light for a new mini-album, breaking an eleven months hiatus that otherwise would have probably ended with their contracts’ expiration.
It ends up being more successful than all the albums they had ever released and Noeul doesn’t really understand why. The recording had been chaotic, wrapped up in three days and little sleep and the concept isn’t anything original.
They are shining bright, brighter than they ever have and when they reach their peak - a number 1 win that had been the source all their dreams and tears over the last seven years - Noeul is flabbergasted.
Everything feels surreal - the multicolored confetti raining down on them, the deafening screams coming from fans shaking their slogans and the heavy weight of that trophy that reaches her hands after being passed down.
From the corner of her eye, she can see Yoonhye and Seunga crying their hearts out, their chests heaving from the force of their sobs. Jisook and Hyunyoung are grinning brightly despite the tears running down their faces while Woori is wiping hers, turning her back to the crowd in a vain attempt to hide. Jaekyung is trying her best to thank everyone that has ever supported them, smiling through her tears.
They are all crying but her own eyes are dry as she blankly stares in front of her.
She’s happy, she swears she is, as they all gather to hug and the smile on Jaekyung’s face is so radiant it even makes her heart skips a beat. Their happiness is worth everything to Noeul, worth more than her own.
It’s worth everything, including the blunt pain of her nails sinking into her palms as she clenches her fists at the burning stares she can feel on them from the artists behind them. She knows what they think, knows they’re wondering how it could have happened and what or who they have done to get there, some probably even holding bets.
They are now fresh prey, ready to be torn apart by the vultures around them at the first sign of weakness they will show. She won’t crack, she reassures herself, ignoring the dread pooling in the bottom of her stomach.
She did what she had to do in order to allow them to have a future together and their opinions and judgements aren’t going to change anything - not that night, not that win.
Noeul realizes that it's useless, caring about them.
They don't matter, only Rainbow does and as Jaekyung wraps her arms around her in a bonecrushing hug, she's finally able to smile - ignoring that her eyes are still dry, that the dread is still there and ready to overcome the happiness she's feeling at any moment.
No one and nothing is going to ruin their moment, not even her.
Next
rainbow. noeul-centric, noeul/jaekyung.
14,000 words. nc-17.
originally written for kpop olymfics 2015.
warnings for implied dub-con (sexual intercourse), drug use (volontary and non-consented), brief mention of suicide.
"Please give me strength,
I want to chase after the light in the darkness and catch it,
Wherever I am, no one can stop me"
"Do wanna say, wanna say, wanna say..."
Noeul sings along as Gossip Girl is played loudly in the practice room. The words come easy on her lips, almost as a mantra learnt a long time ago and never forgotten, despite the years passing.
There's a bit of truth to this, she guesses as her feet hit the ground in sync with the music. A debut song is, by default, difficult to forget. A seven year old debut song that is still included in your set-list every time you get gigs at low-key university festivals, even more so.
The choreography, especially simple as it is, is one all the members have mastered years ago and Noeul often wonders what's even the point of this - being here hours on ends practicing choreographies they would be able to achieve in their sleep, believing that whatever they're doing isn't useless, hoping they still have a chance to hit it big.
A yelp of pain from her right snaps her away from her thoughts. She turns her head a little to the side but doesn't stop dancing. No one does, no one ever does. She manages to catch Seunga's eyes as said girl rubs her elbow.
Noeul quickly looks away, unable to smile back and she closes her eyes, willing the guilt she’s feeling to go away soon.
The practice room they use nowadays has barely enough space for the seven of them to be comfortable while dancing and accidents such as arms hitting bare concrete walls or feet being stepped on had been frequent when they had started coming down in the basement to train, a few months ago.
They still are, to an extent.
Indeed, it's easy to forget they're all standing at arm’s-length of each other in this small room and even easier to forget that the ample movements they were once taught and are used to make need to be toned down now. Incidents are always laughed off with either a shrug or an apologetic smile and Noeul supposes it's the only thing they can do - laugh them off and move on as if nothing happened.
After all, turning a blind eye to anything remotely unpleasant is a well-known rule in this industry.
But the elephant in this room and following each of them everywhere they go exists, she often wants to point out. It will keep on existing until it’s addressed and dealt with once and for all.
It will continue being there even during encounters with fellow idols backstage, their smiles irritatingly polite as they barely mask their surprise at seeing them having a schedule; it will still be around as more popular dongsaeng-deul call them sunbaenim-deul, with either a hint of pity or undisguised mockery in their eyes.
It’s there, it's always there and it’s everywhere - in the company building, her apartment, even in Jeonju where the gazes of her relatives and townsfolk have hurt her more than anything else had before.
It’s tough, knowing you haven’t met the expectations that had been set upon you. It’s tough, moving forward in a music industry where you don’t fit. It’s tough but they still did it, trying to hold proudly onto what they had achieved, with a bond and a friendship no one could rob them of.
Seven years into debut and an original line-up still perfectly intact. More popular bands hadn’t even been to able to achieve that and she remembers how during the few interviews they had the past few years, journalists had often asked them how they had done it - staying together. She remembers the implication behind their words, the ”Why haven’t you given up and left yet?” they hadn’t pronounced but ringing so clear, so loud in her ears and hitting her so deeply inside she could still hear them at nights if she tried.
Why should they give up? Why should they stop doing what they like? She remembers asking herself. Even if things change, even if nothing is the same as it once was, Rainbow is their rock and source of happiness.
While we have grown up and ourselves changed, our bond hasn’t, Jaekyung had said once as they had left the building to go back to their respective places.
It hasn’t changed and won’t change, they had all agreed as their tired faces had lightened up for a second, finding comfort in that fact.
Not everything has to change, even if a lot did and would continue to do so.
Not everything has, even if a multitude of things, both inside and outside the korean pop industry, have since Rainbow has debuted.
Noeul has seen it all - the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly.
Young teenagers debuting, eyes bright and smiles even brighter or groups hitting their five, six, seven anniversary and pushing themselves to go a bit further, fueled by the desire of spending another year together.
And along with them, the ones unable to make an impact on the market, crashing and burning so fast that almost no one remembered them, their focus instead on the few ones that had succeeded in hitting it big - either overnight and a random bust of luck or after countless sleepless nights and hard work.
Noeul has seen it all, has seen it all happen but not to them, never to them.
It's March 2016 and for Rainbow, nothing has changed.
-
Her phone rings suddenly, breaking the calm atmosphere of her apartment.
Noeul flinches as the sharp sound of her ringtone echoes in her living room, surprising her, and she blindly searches for her tv remote, finding it under one of the too many pillows she has on her couch. She quickly mutes the afternoon show her inattentive mind had put on as a distraction and concentrates on her ringtone, trying to find out where the sound could come from.
Her ringtone feels foreign to her ears. It could have been days or maybe even weeks since the last time she had heard it. Noeul doesn't remember, doesn't have anything to remember.
Calls are a rare occurrence, except for the regular ones from her parents and Ara; the sweet words her mom always utters or the bubbly chatting of her sister often ends up being the highlights of her week. It’s too soon for her sister to have a new boyfriend or something worthy to share, though, and her mom wouldn't call in the middle of the afternoon.
The phone stops ringing before she can find it and her eyebrows scrunch together in displeasure at missing what could have been a break in the routine she has been going through these past few months.
An unexpected phone call could only mean something was going to happen. It could be good, it could be bad. It is something, at least.
Noeul doesn’t lose time when it starts buzzing again. She crouches down on her carpet to look under her sofa, then straightens up and starts throwing the pillows decorating it everywhere. She will care about the mess later. She has to find that phone, has to take that call no matter what.
A sigh of relief slips past her lips as she manages to find it, laying there under the red and soft orange cushions and she makes a mental note to stop buying a cushion every time Jaekyung drags her furniture shopping.
“Are you that busy? I thought you would be quicker to answer.” Her manager greets her, the hint of teasing and playfulness in his voice making her roll her eyes.
Once upon a time, when she didn’t mind the free time and getting a few days in a row without schedules, she used to find it funny.
Now is a different story, now she’s a white bird in a golden cage who waits and waits again for the day she will be let out, wondering when she will be let free and able to join the happier people she sees walking in the streets.
She’s a bird who wants to spread her wings and fly away to places she hasn’t been to, to lands she hasn’t conquered yet.
Trying to fly in a cage does get tiring, and she’s tired of standing still.
“Not really, no," she answers, swallowing back the acidic words burning her throat, the words she always thinks but never says. "Why are you calling, oppa?"
The grip on her phone gets tighter as he doesn't reply immediately. Red flashes in front of her eyes, the silence stretching and she can feel it - her heartbeat accelerating, her breath slowing down. Is it the end? Just like that? Aren't they worth more than a two minute call? Do the girls-
"Come down to the office," he says after what seems an eternity but couldn't be more than a few seconds, a minute at most. "There's something we need to talk about."
"Is it-?" The words refuse to come out, as if pronouncing them would make them real. It probably is but the hope inside her is still alive, still burning so strongly that it consumes her whole and leaves her shaking, her legs unable to support them much longer and she leans against her couch.
"Just come. Right now."
The sound of the dial tone still echoes in her ears even as she puts on her shoes, a battered pair of running shoes that had seen better days, and grabs a long black trench coat that Jaekyung had declared to be a trend and had forced her to buy, one or two years ago.
Noeul can already imagine her leader's face when she will see her outfit - her perfectly trimmed brows turned downwards and and her lips twisted in a small grimace. She would deal with Jaekyung's feelings over her lack of fashion sense later, when she wouldn't have to worry about whether she would have a band and a career tomorrow, when she wouldn't have to worry to see a decade of hard work slip through her fingers and disintegrate into thin air with no one remembering her name in a few months, if not a few days (if it’s not already forgotten, the voice at the back of her mind whispers).
She would deal with anything that wasn't her future later but now, she had to go and find out if she would even be Rainbow’s Noeul tomorrow, had to know in which direction the bird was going to go - towards the entertainment scene again or down another road.
The bird is leaving its cage, but Noeul doesn’t feel happy.
-
Later means immediately since Jaekyung is there, leaning against the wall facing her front door.
Noeul should have expected it, should have expected that she would be there and waiting for her. Jaekyung had always done so - waiting for her so they could leave for practice or the occasional schedule they shared together. It had started randomly, soon after they had all moved out from their cramped dorm to try out living alone.
While the other girls were scattered all over Seoul with a few of them, such as Hyunyoung and Seunga, moving closer to their parents’ places, Jaekyung and her had decided to stay in Nonhyeon-dong1. Living close to the company headquarters had been her choice, the only criteria she had taken into account to find a new place. Nonhyeon-dong was the only area of Seoul she had known since she had moved from the countryside all those years ago, the only place in Seoul she knew like the back of her hand and where she didn’t feel as a complete stranger. The narrow and grey streets of the dong, full of outdated apartment complexes or faded front stores disfiguring the view are nothing like the green areas and the pure fresh air she had grown up with in Jeollabuk-do and would never be home but it was a place she had gotten familiar with. She didn’t belong there but had learnt to fit in.
Moving into the same building had been completely unplanned on their part though, and had surprised them both. Noeul had known Jaekyung would also want to stay close to the DSP building as her schedule was more packed than the rest of them and her involvement with the creative team had grown bigger and bigger over the years but they had never talked about it, had never approached the subject of perhaps moving close to each other (and staying together while being separated).
Noeul had secretly hoped it would happen or that, at least, they wouldn’t be too far from each other. Kim Jaekyung had been Rainbow’s leader for the past seven years and had been Noeul’s anchor for as long, keeping her afloat when nothing and no one else could. She needed her close, more than she was ready to confess.
“I just got the call,” Jaekyung says as she closes her front door. Noeul pointedly ignores the disapproving glance Jaekyung gives her after eyeing her clothes and starts walking down the hallway, her friend just behind her. “I hope it’s great news.”
“I hope so, too,” she answers after a long pause, stepping into the empty street.
It’s true. She hopes it’s good news, she just knows it isn’t.
Jaekyung links an arm through hers and they start the five minute walk leading them to their fate. The March wind blows softly and rays of sunshine are poking through a sky full of clouds, warming her face and her body. It’s a good day for a walk. It’s a good day, period,she tries to convince herself as she takes a deep breath and tries to enjoy the feeling of warmness against her skin.
She had forgotten how it felt to feel warm.
“What do you think this is about?” Jaekyung asks, breaking the silence that had settled between them as they near the company’s office. Only a few teenagers are waiting in front of it, two dozen at most, and none of them is a familiar face. There hasn’t been a fan waiting for them in years but Noeul doesn’t mind much. She likes being able to walk freely in the streets, of being a woman of twenty-eight2 years old woman almost like any other.
Noeul is surprised she didn’t ask sooner, tilting her head to one side, deep in thought as she’s pondering over her answer. Not over what to answer, no, but over whether she should answer. All truth is good, but not all truth is good to say, she remembers her mom saying to her once.
Her truth is one of those.
A slight shrug of her shoulders is her only reaction and she firmly looks ahead, ignoring the concerned glances Jaekyung throws her way and the grip that gets tighter on her arm, the worried ramble about that meeting coming out on her friend’s lips being washed away by the polite greetings of the secretaries and security guards as they step into the building.
She sighs in relief at the words she won’t have to say, the suspicions she won’t have to voice.
I think it’s the end.
-
“Look at who finally decided to show up,” Jisook teases, the wheels of her chair squeaking on the floor tiles as she turns around in her seat to wave at them. “That’s not very leader-like, Jaekyung unnie.”
“Yeah,” Hyunyoung adds, a little grin stretching her lips upwards, “Managers came twice to check on you but you weren’t here, unnie. So professional, really.”
The both of them burst into laughter and Noeul looks fondly at them, relieved that the two girls don’t seem tense or worried.
Noeul stops in her tracks, halfway in the middle of the room, processing the maknae’s words and looking straight at Jaekyung, her eyebrows settled into a frown. “Didn’t you get the call just before me?” she mouths at her and Jaekyung just shakes her head slightly, dismissing the subject as she looks away and focuses on the two youngest instead, flicking them off.
Of course, she didn’t.
Noeul doesn’t know how to feel about this, about their leader discarding her duties for her. I’m not only your leader, Jaekyung would say, I’m also your friend and it’s as important to me, if not more. She appreciates it, she always does, but it doesn’t make her feel better.
A sigh escapes her lips and she sits down in the closest chair she can find, right between Yoonhye and Woori and the rapper looks at her, a worried expression on her face. “What’s wrong? Are you nervous about this?”
Noeul shakes her head. It doesn’t convince Woori though, as she looks at Noeul straight in the eyes, patting her arm softly, “You shouldn’t. Whatever happens, we’re going to pull through.”
She doesn’t have time to answer, doesn't get to point out that Woori's tone is unsure as their two managers and the current sajangnim, along with a representative of the Public Relations department, enter the meeting room. All the girls get up in sync, bowing at ninety degrees, surprised the current director is attending a meeting for once.
Seeing Lee Hoyeon’s wife3 in front of them only made her fears more real. Things had never been the same since the wife of their former sajangnim had taken over and everyone in the agency knows it. Meetings with the CEO in charge are rare and few in between and her presence could only mean serious business.
The request for them to sit down again couldn’t come any quicker and she doesn’t even realize her legs are trembling until Woori puts a hand over them. Noeul doesn’t miss the look she and Jaekyung exchange but she closes her eyes, forcing herself to ignore it, to not blow out of proportion something as trivial as a glance.
“It has been a long time since we have been reunited like this,” she starts and Noeul clenches her hands together, willing her to go the point. Don’t drag this, please. Don’t.
"I guess you are all wondering why you are here, right?" The woman continues, smiling briefly once she notices Seunga and Yoonhye nodding and the curious smile of Jisook. Noeul casts a quick look on her right to catch Jaekyung's expression but the older's expression is blank, showing nothing. Noeul knows the other has slipped into her leader role and is preparing herself to hold down the fort no matter what comes their way.
"I won't make you wait any longer. MBC is planning to launch a new reality show soon and there's a huge possibility one or two of you will be casted."
Oh. Oh.
It feels like all the air present in the room is filling her lungs, choking her, strangling her, overpowering her and she resists the urge to put her head between her knees, refuses to show more weakness that she already has.
This is not the end is the only thing she's able to process as it rings again and again in her head. It's not over, they aren't over.
Oblivious to her, the sajangnim’s wife continues, a grimmer expression now set on her face. "I'm sure you're aware there are lots of candidates. Park Daehwan-ssi," she gestures to the slightly overweight beside her, his pepper and salt haircut in a clean cut around the ears making him look younger than he is, "still managed to secure you but one of you has to meet Lee Sangchul PD-nim and the MBC representatives..."
Everything comes to a stop in the room. From the corner of her eye, Noeul sees Yoonhye freeze in her seat, her hands tight on the armchair and she's sure most of them had similar reactions.
Meetings like these, with the producers and representatives, are never good news. None of them had ever experienced them, never had to as the company had always used its name and the names of its prior successful artists to get them to places, but they all knew what kind of things happened there. It was impossible not to know, impossible to ignore all the stories heard in the hallways of broadcast stations and the side-eyed glances some of the rookies - pretty, pretty rookies shining with youth, their bright eyes burning you and their too sweet smiles difficult to digest - had been given upon the favors they had been accorded so easily. Too easily.
But the Rainbow members aren't rookies. They haven't been in a long time and Noeul wonders which one of them is going to be one of those idols - one with suspicion and rumors following her everywhere she goes, harsh words and even harsher looks haunting her in the silence of the night, when she is curled in her bed and wondering when and where she went wrong, the rest of the world going on without her, blind or ignorant to her suffering.
Noeul doesn't miss the pointed look the sajangnim’s wife and the representative exchange nor the glances their two managers throw at them, their usual smiling faces now closed off and serious. The silence is deafening and the tension is palpable, rising a little more for every second where no word is uttered.
“It’s an opportunity you won’t ever have again,” one of them breaks. Noeul is too lost in her thoughts to notice who, the words hitting her harder than she thought it was possible.
It’s now or never, she knows. The seven of them know it, had always known it. A group with no music show win in seven years should even grateful to still exist and they can’t throw this opportunity away.
Beggars can’t be choosers has never sounded truer and it’s a reality they have to accept.
A feeling akin to dread seizes her and she looks around the room, trying to catch the members’ eyes. Yoonhye’s eyes are wide, even bigger than usual, and Noeul would have cracked a smile if the situation wasn’t so stuffy. Seunga and Woori are looking at each other, deep frowns marking their foreheads, and Jaekyung’s face is still impassible, her pokerface difficult to read to anyone who doesn’t know her, but Noeul doesn’t miss the twitch of her upper lip. She skips over Jisook and Hyunyoung’s faces, too afraid of what she could find.
One of them has to do it. It’s the flat, cold truth. One of them has to and Noeul doesn’t want it to be any of the six women she considers as her own sisters. One of them has to do it and she doesn’t want to it be Hyunyoung, Jisook, Yoonhye, Seunga, Woori or Jaekyung who seems ready to assume her leader position.
The words slips past her lips before she can think them twice over.
"I will go."
-
"It's just a simple meeting, unnie," Yoonhye says, squeezing her hand tightly and breaking the heavy silence that had settled between them after they had been left alone in the room.
“Yeah,” the two youngests nod before Hyunyoung adds, her eyes shining with mischief, “You’re kind of old, anyway.” They shriek as Jaekyung, Woori and Seunga throw them dark glares, being older than Noeul by a year, and they step back, ready to run away all the while muttering under their breath how women reaching their thirties are scary.
Noeul scoffs inwardly, a look of fondness on her face as she’s grateful for what they are trying to do, as awkward as it is. She doesn’t know if they are trying to reassure her or themselves but she appreciates the gesture, appreciate the fact they’re trying. It doesn’t change anything, doesn’t make anything better even but Noeul wouldn’t have wanted them to react any other way.
Jaekyung slips away from the rest of the group, wrapping an arm around her waist and leaning her head against her shoulder, “Are you sure about this?” Jaekyung pauses, her hold on Noeul’s getting tighter before she continues, the softness of her voice quite a contrast with the tight embrace she’s being trapped in. “Never forget you can always say no.”
Beggars can’t be choosers is the only thing she hears instead, again and again.
She can’t choose to say “no”, not anymore, not even if she wanted to.
She’s a beggar, not a chooser.
She stays silent.
-
The first thing she notices upon entering the office are the two bottles of champagne disposed on a coffee table near the window wall overlooking the usually busy streets of Sangam-dong, now calm after the daily activities animating them are over.
They look excessively expensive, the foreign sounding words classily embossed in black calligraphy on the cream bottle labels making her feel even more out of place. She tugs at the fabric barely covering her pale thighs - a black dress made of silk and covered in sequins - missing the comfort and familiarity of her large jumpers and sweatpants.
Wearing a dress had made sense, as had been wearing more make-up than usual, but it didn't feel right. She didn't feel like herself in that old dress she had found in the back of her closet, couldn't recognize herself with that eyeliner too thick and that lipstick too red.
A voice greets her as she steps further into the office. "Noeul yang4, what a pleasure."
There's three of them, faces she has never seen before but names she will probably won't forget anytime soon. The one who greets her is tall, wearing a well-cut suit that is molded to his toned frame. He's probably in his late forties or early fifties, Noeul guesses, and he carries an air of confidence that takes her breath away for a moment.
They all introduce themselves as she takes place on one of the two black leather couches near the same glass-panelled wall that had caught her eyes when she had walked in. She nods at the right times, smile when she needs to, never introducing herself.
She doesn't need to, they know who she is. She should feel flattered, powerful even. She feels cornered instead and the tight grip she has on the glass of champagne they put in her hand is the only thing that reminds her that she's in control.
For now, at least.
The conversation flows well, better than what she had expected. A few laughs and polite conversation before business talk starts, making her relax, the leather molded to her back in a comfortable way.
The project is fully exposed to her by the show producer who is sitting next to her. It’s nothing new, just another reality program focused on dating after the cancellation of We Got Married a few months prior. It has potential, she notices, as the explanations keep on coming. Celebrities living together in a mansion and going on dates based the result of games they will play are definitely going to please the curious and perverted minds of the avid netizens that are always wanting and wishing for more, more, more.
It has enough potential for her to stay and ignore the heavy hand that has been sitting on her bare thigh, the fabric of her dress riding too high for her to be at ease.
A few deep breaths and too much champagne are going to do the trick. She hopes it will.
It seems to be enough as hours pass and nothing happens. They seem to be perfect gentlemen but Noeul doesn't buy it. There's a dark glint in their eyes every time they look at her, something sinister lurking in the shadows of that room.
Noeul calms herself down, laughs a little too loudly, not always at the right time anymore. It seems to amuse them as they look at her with what could be mistaken for fondness but isn't.
It's almost funny how despite being on edge all night, she hadn't seen it coming. She doesn't even register what's happening at first, not until she feels another man next to her and another hand on her thigh, that one more daring. It's the executive director, the same man who had taken her breath away when she had entered his office.
He's taking her breath away once again now but it’s not as pleasant, the shock and surprise on her face impossible to miss as he starts kissing her neck.
She wonders if her imagination isn't playing tricks on her. She has been so tense all night, that maybe, she's finally snapping and making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe, it’s just a dream.
But she knows that if she was dreaming, it wouldn’t be of this.
It wouldn’t be of this nightmare happening next to her as he slowly unzips his pants, freeing an erection she hadn't even noticed. It's there, curving against his stomach, an angry red that contrasts with the pristine white of his shirt.
Her face is flushed red, too. From the drinks, shame or both, she doesn't know.
"Pretty, pretty Noeul. I have been waiting for this all night."
A whimper slips past her lips as the words echoes in the now silent office, the polite chit-chat having died down so naturally Noeul knows it's neither the first or the last time this will happen for the three men.
Noeul doesn't move, her gaze glued on the floor, looking at anything but their eyes. It can't be happening, it can't be happening, it can't be happening.
Time seems to have stopped, no one moving nor talking, her erratic breath breaking the oppressive silence of the room.
Her eyes haven't left the floor and she doesn't want to look up, doesn't want to meet their eyes that she knows are on her. Tears are starting to pool in hers but she doesn't feel them burning, too focused on not letting them fall. She doesn't feel anything, not the blunt pain coming from her nails piercing the skin of her palms, not the stiffness in her legs.
Why are there tears in her eyes, even? She isn't crying. She has just stared too much, for too long. It's not crying. It's not.
She's just under hypnosis, unable to look at them even as her eyes get so watery she can't see what's in front of her anymore.
Then again, maybe it's for better, she thinks, her blurry vision preventing her from seeing his erection near her lips as he pushes her head down. She doesn’t see it but she feels it, poking her cheek and precum smearing against it.
Her face jerks away, almost on instinct but she can’t move away, not with the vice grip he has on her hair, harshly tugging on it in hope to make her open her mouth.
She doesn’t want to but it has never been about what she wanted, she realizes. It would probably never be.
"Suck."
He doesn't have to say it twice.
-
The water cascading down her back and pooling at her feet is cold, freezing even. In the back of her mind, Noeul wonders how the water can still feel so good against her skin, feeling like both relief and deliverance. but anything is better than the phantom feeling of their hands on her body.
She barely recalls how and when she had gotten home, doesn’t want to remember the stares she had gotten from the early risers she had met on her way, their eyes judgemental and unforgiving.
She had wanted to laugh in their faces, but laughing, even bitterly, had been too difficult. She had waited, again and again, for that sparkle of recognition to ignite in their eyes, more desperate for it than ever. It had never happened, not once.
She is not Noeul of Rainbow for them. No, she is just another whore to stare down and judge.
And maybe, she is. Hadn't she wanted to go? She had. She had wanted to go, hadn't said no to them either and as twisted as it is, if she had to do it again, she would.
She would, for the six girls who are counting on her, for her team, for them to shine a bit longer. There's no rainbow without sunshine but there's no rainbow without a little bit of rain either.
She scrubs her skin again in a vain effort to make it all disappear. Nothing changes, nothing except the color of her skin - now an angry red, the same one that cock was.
It just makes her scrub harder. Her arms first, where they had hold her to make sure she wouldn't move. Her chest then, breasts now tender and sore. Between her thighs, finally, where it hurts the most (along with her heart but there's no solution for that pain, there won't ever be one).
She rubs until her skin is so red she’s under the impression it’s now a dark brown hue. She stays under the shower jet until her skin turns blue. Red and blue, the irony isn’t lost on her5.
There's a deep satisfaction inside her though, as the pale skin they had praised and called beautiful is now nothing like the porcelain they had compared it to.
It’s not much, but it’s enough for her to make her turn the water off and step out of the shower stall. Water pools around her feet, dripping off her body and onto the white tiles but she doesn’t care, feet leaving wet footprints on the wooden floor of her apartment as she drags herself out of the bathroom.
The view awaiting her as she nears her bedroom doesn’t surprise her but still makes her stop at the threshold of the room. Jaekyung is fast asleep, comfortably nestled under the covers.
There’s a flash of envy in her eyes as Noeul observes how peaceful her face looks. She wonders if she will ever be able to sleep peacefully ever again, if she will ever be able to rest at all.
She quietly walks towards the unoccupied side of her bed, settling herself under the covers and pulling them up over her legs. They feel rugged against her bare skin but she likes it, likes that she doesn’t feel their hands on her skin for a fleeting moment.
“How did it go?” Jaekyung mumbles, her eyes closed and her voice hoarse with sleep. “Did something happen?” She asks again, more pressing this time as Noeul stays silent.
Jaekyung still hasn’t opened her eyes and Noeul wonders how she would react at her nudity if she did. She probably wouldn’t react at all, too used to it after years of living together and boundaries long forgotten. There’s nothing alarming in the situation.
Almost nothing.
But then again, Noeul isn’t sure she wants Jaekyung to react, to worry, to know. Jaekyung already worries, worries enough to use the password Noeul had given her for emergencies, even falling asleep after waiting for her all night.
Her decision is made before she even has time to register it.
“No, nothing happened. We just talked.” Her voice doesn’t waver, not even once. “It was fun.”
“Good,” Jaekyung whispers, moving closer to her and wrapping an arm around her waist. Noeul just hums, not bothering with an answer. There’s nothing to say, anyway.
She couldn’t talk even if she tried, not as tears are running down her face and making her choke on air, not when she has just flinched at the touch of her closest friend and it finally hits her that nothing in her life will ever be the same.
-
Her phone rings and the déjà-vu of the situation leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. A few days ago, hearing that ringtone had been everything she had ever wanted. A few days ago, she wouldn’t have thought twice about picking up.
But this time, there’s no rush to get the call. Noeul doesn’t move, letting it ring and counting the seconds it takes for her phone to fall silent.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen seconds. Isn’t it funny how your life can change in thirteen seconds? A gesture of simple as getting a call can change your life forever, erasing all you knew and all you were. Purely fascinating.
She's lying on her bed, the same covers as the ones she'd used that night pooling around her waist, her hands behind her head as her eyes fixate on the ceiling. It’s captivating, how the white spot she has been staring at for hours doesn’t seem white anymore, but an ugly grey instead.
The more you look, the more imperfections you see and she wonders if someone will ever look at her long enough to see all the cracks behind her doll face.
A quick glance at her phone confirms what she already knows and a sigh escapes her lips, knowing she won’t be able to escape them forever. The light of the phone screen hurts her eyes as she stares with blank eyes at the six calls that she has missed. Deliberately missed, but missed nonetheless.
Isn’t seven supposed to be a lucky number? She hopes it is, as she grabs her phone and finally picks up the upcoming call. She’s in a dire need of luck but then again, is what she needs even important?
“What in hell were you doing?” Her manager sneers, a rhetorical question that he doesn't think is worth an answer, and he goes on, his words now missing the bite that was present in his tone a few seconds ago. "Anyway, I have a great news. We got the MBC deal."
I got the deal, almost slips past her lips but she bites hard on her lower lip to stop them from tumbling out. Being petty won't change anything and the last thing she actually wants is credits for her actions that night.
"Did we?" is what she says instead, voice calm but laced with contempt and a detachment he probably doesn't even hear, too focused on his next words or something that isn't her.
"Yeah, they're taking two members. Woori and Jisook are starting the filming next week." She turns him off, his voice in the background as she's left with her thoughts.
Woori and Jisook. Of course. It had to be expected, with the small popularity both had gained the previous year. Woori's small acting gig in Flower of the Queen had paid off, getting her some recognition. The same could be said for Jisook and her fixed appearances on radio shows and Entertainment Weekly.
They would be stupid to not use them, she knows. Sending her would have been stupid. It's their last chance and there's no room for errors.
The small hope she had deep inside her hasn't disappeared yet but it will. Noeul just feels relieved it isn't turning into a green monster she's not sure she could handle. There's no place for that in their team, never has been, and both Woori and Jisook have more than enough on their plates, carrying Rainbow's fate on their shoulders.
"That's great." She manages to utter, a little bit of genuine enthusiasm in her tone as she imagines the happiness of her friends' faces at the news.
It's not much and apparently, not enough for her manager. "Aren't you happy? You should be!"
"I am." She swallows back the bile rising in her throat and a few words as bitter along with it. "Of course, I am."
She will tell it to whoever wants to hear it, again and again. She will tell it until she believes it.
Her manager hums. "You should be proud of you. We hoped for a member but they agreed on two. It's a miracle! Good job, Noeullie."
Good job.
Noeul wants to scream at him until her throat is raw, wants to yell at him until he justifies what's good about laying on her back and opening her legs when she has trained for years to be so much more than that, to never have to go that far.
She doesn't.
She runs away instead, dropping her phone on the ground without bothering to end a conversation she hadn't wanted to begin. She runs in her bathroom where she doesn't swallow back this time and let it all go.
It's bitter, the taste of her bile in her mouth. It's bitter but not as much as the pain in her heart.
-
The show starts airing before she even realizes it. It has only been a month, six weeks at most but time goes by slowly in her golden cage, almost as if it has stopped.
The same cage she has so desperately wanted to break free of is now her shelter from the outside world and from a reality she wants to forget. It works for awhile - ignoring everything that isn’t happening in her bubble, but Noeul isn’t a fool and knows no one escapes reality for long.
It always catches up to you. Always.
The airing of that show, House of Romance, is exactly that, as she finally has to accept that what happened isn't a dream. She couldn't even if she tried because the show is a materialisation of that night and all the nightmares that haunted her and still continue to do so.
It's a fun show, she remembers Jisook telling her once, as they went out for coffee during one of the younger's recording break. She had enjoyed listening to all her stories about the idols and the actors both her and Woori had been rooming with, had been glad to know that something good - even something as trivial as her girls getting acquainted with more people in this industry and making new friends - could come out of this program.
This had been enough to chase the nightmares for a night or two and as twisted as it was, the right push to make her want to watch the show.
It's fun, indeed. She watches it with a weird fascination, captivated by the new friendships forming and the love-lines that are blooming almost in real time. The public loves it too, the non-scripted policy of the show and the freshness of the cast doing wonders.
Noeul also understands why the company picked Woori and Jisook over the rest, over her as she follows with the show with a bizarre interest. All of Jisook's talents are exposed, impressing netizens, and Woori's down-to-heart personality and playful yet sexy demeanor is surprisingly a hit.
It's nothing new, she thinks bitterly. They always have been great girls, just unfortunate ones who had never had an opportunity to broadcast their charms.
Better late than never, at least.
It seems that the netizens agree as the whole country goes into a Rainbow frenzy. It takes them by surprise, as they hadn’t been expecting it. Why would it be different this time? What do they have now that they hadn’t before?
It starts with countless demands for radio gigs, interviews and variety shows guestings for Jisook and Woori at first, then two or three members and finally all of them as their old songs are being brought back on the charts reaching positions in them they had only dreamed of.
It's also more than what the company had ever hoped for they give them the green light for a new mini-album, breaking an eleven months hiatus that otherwise would have probably ended with their contracts’ expiration.
It ends up being more successful than all the albums they had ever released and Noeul doesn’t really understand why. The recording had been chaotic, wrapped up in three days and little sleep and the concept isn’t anything original.
They are shining bright, brighter than they ever have and when they reach their peak - a number 1 win that had been the source all their dreams and tears over the last seven years - Noeul is flabbergasted.
Everything feels surreal - the multicolored confetti raining down on them, the deafening screams coming from fans shaking their slogans and the heavy weight of that trophy that reaches her hands after being passed down.
From the corner of her eye, she can see Yoonhye and Seunga crying their hearts out, their chests heaving from the force of their sobs. Jisook and Hyunyoung are grinning brightly despite the tears running down their faces while Woori is wiping hers, turning her back to the crowd in a vain attempt to hide. Jaekyung is trying her best to thank everyone that has ever supported them, smiling through her tears.
They are all crying but her own eyes are dry as she blankly stares in front of her.
She’s happy, she swears she is, as they all gather to hug and the smile on Jaekyung’s face is so radiant it even makes her heart skips a beat. Their happiness is worth everything to Noeul, worth more than her own.
It’s worth everything, including the blunt pain of her nails sinking into her palms as she clenches her fists at the burning stares she can feel on them from the artists behind them. She knows what they think, knows they’re wondering how it could have happened and what or who they have done to get there, some probably even holding bets.
They are now fresh prey, ready to be torn apart by the vultures around them at the first sign of weakness they will show. She won’t crack, she reassures herself, ignoring the dread pooling in the bottom of her stomach.
She did what she had to do in order to allow them to have a future together and their opinions and judgements aren’t going to change anything - not that night, not that win.
Noeul realizes that it's useless, caring about them.
They don't matter, only Rainbow does and as Jaekyung wraps her arms around her in a bonecrushing hug, she's finally able to smile - ignoring that her eyes are still dry, that the dread is still there and ready to overcome the happiness she's feeling at any moment.
No one and nothing is going to ruin their moment, not even her.
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