burned out stars, they shine so bright (2/2)
Previous
When the company suggests she should meet them again to thank them, Noeul is aware that she can’t refuse.
Rainbow might be standing now but they can’t forget the ones who have helped the beggars to get on their feet again. She might not be a beggar anymore, she notices, but she’s not a chooser either.
Everything reminds her of that night as she steps out of the lift, the twentieth floor denied of life except for the three men she knows are in the same office, waiting for her.
It's the rich businessman, Park something as his name escapes her, who greets her this time. "Still lovely as ever, Noeul yang." The formal honorific grates on her nerves as they all know why she is here but she says nothing, bowing low and walking past him, aware of his eyes trailing down her body, undressing her in his mind.
He had barely touched her that night, as if he had known his turn would come sooner or later. He had been a spectator and she remembers the look he had given her, his dark eyes blown with lust, as he had jerked himself off to a view of her naked and on her knees.
He won't be only watching this time, she figures as he follows her in the room and pulls her on his lap after sitting down. His touch is rough on her hips, one hand holding her still while he tries to unbutton her jeans with the other one, an annoyed growl leaving his mouth at her little act of defiance.
She's going to let them use her but it isn't going to be easy and she bites on her lower lip as he struggles with the button, the laugh threatening to slip past her lips never making it as he pushes her pants down roughly and she's left gasping in shock at the fingers - two or three, she doesn't know, doesn't want to know - he slides in her without warning, her underwear pushed aside.
“Pussies are an exquisite gift.” He groans behind her, adding another finger. They all laugh at the little whine that escapes her, mistaking it for pleasure and her face grows red as she remembers they’re not alone, the two other men she had forgotten about are watching them. “Did you enjoy my little gift too, doll face? I spent quite a lot of money on your album and your little trophy, you know…” He groans against her neck and she simply hums, not trusting her voice nor the words that could escape her as her eyes close.
Flashes of red pop behind her eyelids as he so easily puts down everything she had ever worked for. He might be her sponsor now, and by default theirs, but he's still nothing more than despicable man in the end.
The lack of response doesn't seem to deter him and he continues, his fingers pushing her in so roughly she can't stop wincing, "That's an expensive pussy you have there, doll face. Aren't you proud of it?"
She grits her teeth, scraping her nails on his thighs to release the inner frustration she feels at his words. Stay silent if you have nothing to say, stay silent she does.
He chuckles at her gesture, buckles against her even, his erection pressing heavily against her. "Our pussy is a wild little thing, gentlemen. I think it's time to tame her." The two men laughs again, their booming laughs making her shudder and she prays for mercy as they stand up and move towards them, matching predatory grins making them look like the monsters they really are.
The rest of the night is a blur of sex and the disgusting words they whisper into her ears while they are on top of her - words about how tight she is, how pretty she is and how much prettier she looks with their cocks shoved deep inside her, how proud she would make her agency and members if she continued being a sweet little doll.
A sweet doll is the last thing she is as she stares at her reflection in the glass of the coffee table, her hands holding it tightly. She grimaces at what she sees - lips red and puffy, dark brown hair mated to her forehead and darker eyes unfocused and wide in pleasure.
She's a complete wreck, her hold on the table slipping as a hard thrust makes her tremble and gasp. She's burning, feeling so hot that even the cold glass of the table against her face doesn't bring her any relief and she doesn't even resist the hold on her head against it.
"Snort, doll face," One of them whispers, his cold lips against her temple as he makes two perfect lines right her nose, his exclusive credit card stained by white powder. "Let it all go," he adds, plugging a nostril for her as she doesn't, not leaving her any choice.
Let it all go, she does, and she snorts and cums at once, finding herself lost in a maze of sensations so mind-blowing she decides she wouldn't mind if she had to be trapped in forever.
She doesn’t know it, but it's that exact moment that marks the beginning of her downfall.
-
More opportunities come their way during the next few months.
They are probably one of few idol groups who enjoy having their agendas filled so many schedules, Noeul guesses as joy lights up on the girls' faces every time their managers let them know they have been booked for a new tv show or radio appearances. Some of them are even overbooked, as Woori, Seunga and Hyunyoung get important roles in drama and film respectively and Jaekyung is offered the opportunity to collaborate on a fashion line with a well-known clothing brand.
They never complain, never think twice about accepting an offer despite being tired, too grateful to their second chance they have been given. Exhaustion is a small price to pay for the popularity they have earned.
Their dedication makes Noeul work harder too and her regular schedule with the girls is done, she doesn't go home, instead spending most of her evenings with influential men, in meetings that end with her either on her knees or on her back but always with new contracts coming their way.
She hadn't planned to go back, had never wanted to do that again but it hadn't taken her long to realize that winning a few mutizens and being on top of the charts wasn't as extraordinary as she thought it would be. It had happened to many before them and would happen to many afterwards.
Rainbow is finally popular but they aren't the only ones.
A career in this industry means an endless fight for survival against rookies and less fortunate bands ready to take their place at the first mishap, against equally as popular bands not willing to share their spotlight.
Only few can survive but Noeul is determined and willing to do anything for Rainbow to be one of them.
The countless escapades she has are proof of that. She stops counting them after awhile as she's being passed down and shared as a vulgar rag doll. The sweet little doll is nothing more than a used toy now but still one good enough for them to play with.
She stops trying to remember their names or their faces because there's no use in remembering names she won't moan or faces she won’t ever find beauty in.
She knows them though. Memorizing their kinks would be an effective ways to please them, she had thought once, and she hadn't been wrong. She had learnt what to do and how to act depending on being with the one who likes spanking her or the one who likes ejaculating on her face, wiping it all over her cheeks and lips with his cock.
They had given her the role of a whore, she has taught herself how to be the best.
But Noeul hasn't taught herself how to protect herself.
In the midst of these meetings she has convinced herself she hates, she doesn't realize that it starts becoming less and less about the deals she can get out of them but more and more about the pleasure and the feeling of being alive, as drugs pump into her veins and orgasms set on fire beautiful rainbow-colored fireworks behind her eyelids.
She's in too deep, and the lines keep getting blurred until there's no line left and she is left in a constant state of bliss, unsure of the reason - the girls, the drugs or the sex.
She's too far gone and the wake-up call is nowhere in sight, not even after she messes up during one of their live performances, stopping dancing before the music stops, freezing on stage while the girls act as if nothing is wrong.
No one misses the concerned glances they send her though, their brows furrowed and eyes wide in worry nor the "You're ok?" Jaekyung quickly mouths at her.
No one, except her.
-
A moan escapes her lips as the cold air coming through the opened windows of her bedroom caresses her bare skin.
It feels good, so good, soothing the burn inside her and leaving her shivering on the same dark blue covers as the ones from all those months ago.
They rub against her body in the most exquisite way as she convulses on her bed, her body torn between arching up or down in a need to get more of the wind embracing her, more of the sheets friction ticking her, more.
Her room feels unfamiliar to her now as do what she's going through. Noeul isn't used to spend the night alone, not used to have no one to share her euphoria with and she stares at the small, translucide bag dangling from her fingertips with an awed grin on her lips.
It's the nicest gift she has gotten recently, one even better than the multiple orgasms they had given her after Rainbow had placed all the songs of their full album - the first one in three years, the second in seven - on the top 20.
It feels so good to be taken care of, so good to feel alive, to not be little useless Noeul anymore.
She has a purpose now. Singing and dancing have always been her choices but that doesn't mean it is her destiny. What a shitty destiny it would be then with that career of seven years but barely three minutes of singing.
After all, it is difficult to shine when you have six other bright colors by your side but she finally gets it now. Her fate has never been to shine on her own, no, it was to make the whole rainbow shine brighter and she loves it.
She embraces it, the mission that has been given to her and she gives it all she has. It's not so much for the girls anymore but for herself, for the satisfaction she gets at being useful and the rewards they give her for being such a good girl.
She loves the rewards, loves the colors bursting in her mind as her walls clench around their cocks, her orgasm in sync with the fast rhythm that coke is having her heart beat to.
And tonight she misses it, the symphony that her body has been playing almost every night but it's okay. It's okay because if she closes her eyes and concentrates hard enough, she can feel them - on top of her, under her, inside her and when she pushes two fingers inside her, she laughs until her throat hurt at the wetness she finds between her thighs.
She laughs until she comes and falls asleep, trapping herself in a dream where she’s on top of the world.
-
Noeul feels on top of the world in her dreams and in the arms of the men who fuck in the shadows but Kim Taeyeon is the real queen of the entertainment world.
No one had been surprised by the announce of her solo career following Girls' Generation's disbandment in late 2015. Everyone had seen it coming, especially Noeul. Growing up with Taeyeon, she had always known her friend would be a star, and she hadn't been wrong. Taeyeon has that aura around her, difficult to understand and even more complex to explain and as they're sitting together in a waiting room twice as big as the one Rainbow has gotten for its seven members, Noeul realizes the power that her friend holds.
"Your fans are really something," she points out, a chuckle leaving her lips and she leans back in her chair. Promoting at the same time hasn’t happened in years and it’s an odd yet pleasant feeling to be able to play catch-up at work. "An all-kill with perfect scores on your first week of release, that’s crazy." Taeyeon’s success has always amazed her, making her proud to have a friend who did better in life that what she could ever do.
Taeyeon shrugs, a small nod of acknowledgement being her only reaction. Noeul knows her friend isn't ungrateful, has never been despite her success but today, it rubs her the wrong way and she forces herself to not call her out on her reaction, hiding her trembling hands behind her back.
Taeyeon notices it though. She always does. "Are you alright? You seem so..." She doesn't finish her phrase but the message is clear and this time, she doesn't stop herself.
"So what?" She asks back, an eyebrow raised in what could be interpreted as a sign of provocation. The sigh that escapes her friend's mouth triggers her further but she forces herself to stay calm.
"Tell me what's wrong," Taeyeon tries again, her collected face now contorted in worry and Noeul just wants to scream but shakes her head instead. “Nothing. I’m just tired. This,” she gestures towards the opened door where they can both see the chaos that happens backstage, “is really tiring. I’m almost missing the times where we weren’t so popular, you know?”
She doesn’t. She wouldn’t ever go back to that dull grey life where her biggest accomplishment had been to debut, unaware of the struggles that she would meet for the next seven years.
Why would she want to return to it? A mediocre life, when the reality she's living in right now is barely as satisfying as it is, days full of recordings of either mediocre songs the public will still love because it's Rainbow's or schedules she has no will to attend but does for the sake of her members and only nights making it all worth it.
She doesn’t, but Taeyeon doesn’t need to know it. It wouldn’t even make sense to her anyway and maybe, just maybe, this is what makes Noeul keep her mouth shut (and not the fact that whatever she’s doing can’t be told, can’t be discovered, can’t end).
Taeyeon hums but doesn’t seem ready to let it go. “I will be here if you want to talk.”
“You wouldn’t even understand anyway.” It’s out before she even has time to process it and she stares at her friend with wide eyes, frozen with shock. Taeyeon doesn’t seem surprised by her outburst, looking at her straight in the eyes. “Try me.”
It is all it takes for her to snap.[not sure about the grammar here, but it’s maybe?]
“What do you know about never being good enough, Taeyeon-ah? To have everyone smile in front of you to tear you apart behind your back because no matter what you do you will always be cheap? What do you fucking know about being part of a group that is going nowhere, Taeyeon?” She is shaking, the words come out of her mouth so quickly that Taeyeon has trouble understanding them. Noeul wants to break something at the sight of her friend’s face, that is set in a pokerface she has seen Taeyeon show to people so many times before but never her. “You don’t know. You never had to do what I had to do to get there, to get us there.”
She stands up, ready to leave but as she reaches the threshold of the room, she turns back, a sad smile gracing her lips. “I’m sorry, Taeyeon-ah. Just…” It’s not a goodbye but it feels like it and she looks down at the ground, “keep on closing your eyes and continue to live in what you think is reality if you don’t want to get hurt.”
And as she leaves to attend another recording, she misses the look on Taeyeon’s face and the pokerface she had on crumbling down.
-
The alarm is pulled when she misses a recording, not informing anyone and leaving them either worried or furious but all wondering what's happening to her - for her to not be there, for her to act like this.
It’s the first time she doesn’t show up for a recording and she’s surprised it hasn’t happened earlier, now that managers had left them more freedom after moving out and that Jaekyung had stopped waiting for her in front of her door, too busy and tired to even sleep at her own place most of the time.
Noeul had planned to go, had been ready to leave her apartment but the view of that little bag of powdered heaven had made her stop in her tracks. The temptation had been too strong, as had her will to escape her life for a few hours of drug-induced euphoria.
The cocaine had quickly entered her bloodstream and traveled to her brain, leaving her writhing on her bed as the shivers and the familiar burn had taken over her body in a matter of minutes.
The high is so strong she's left unable to move, messily wiping her nose with her sleeve in a rare moment of lucidity. The constant light that her phone screen emits makes her giggle, her hands reaching up to catch it but never managing to.
The ringtone pulses through her ears in her head, the beat so annoying that she pushes the phone to the ground in a violent move and she claps her hands in glee as it shatters against the wall, the room finally plunged into a delectable silence.
Her room doesn't stay silent for long, the sound that her keypad makes as someone enters her password ringing loudly in her apartment and she groans at the noise she hears even if Jaekyung’s voice as she calls her name, her tone filled with a delicate hint of love and tenderness behind the worry, sounds magical in her opinion.
Her touch is also all kinds of extraordinary as Jaekyung grabs her face between her palms, climbing on Noeul's bed. Her hands are so cold and feels so good that Noeul leans into her hold. "What's happening? Are you sick? We were all so worried."
She shakes her head, tries to at least but Jaekyung's hold doesn't leave a lot of room for movement. "No," she answers, dragging the sound, a pout on her face as Jaekyung's hands leave her face. Touch me, she wants to tell her, touch me like they do but the words don’t come out.
But Jaekyung doesn't leave and drags Noeul's body closer to hers instead, burying her face in her hair, "What's going on? Is it stress from all our schedules? Tell us." As an afterthought, she quickly corrects herself, "Tell me, at least."
But Noeul doesn't tell her and whines low in her throat, trying to free herself from an embrace that is suffocating her.
She resorts to screaming when she doesn't succeed, fists flying in every direction and not realizing that Jaekyung has released her hold on her and is staring at her with an unreadable expression on her face.
She breaks into a giggle fit as she manages to crawl away, wobbling once she reaches the edge of the bed. She turns her head to look at Jaekyung, an idiotic smile appearing on her lips before she lets herself fall off the bed, laughing hysterically for minutes afterwards.
She doesn’t stop cackling, not when Jaekyung struggles to get her back on the bed, not when her eyes flutter open and all she can see are the tears swimming in Jaekyung’s.
But as she closes her eyes once again and finds her falling asleep, she can swear a tear runs down on her face.
-
Noeul hates waking up. There's something about sleeping, about being trapped in a place where she can be anything she wants that is captivating to her. Dreams are comforting, the best hiding place of them all and she realizes, blinking as sunlight hit her face, dreams are an amazing place to be in.
Back when she was a white bird in her cage, sleeping had been a sweet distraction, but one leaving a bitter aftertaste in her mouth, when every morning, she had opened her eyes to a world still bland, where she was still her.
But waking up feels downright terrible now. It's funny, she thinks, because it should have been different now that her life is everything she had ever wanted, ever dreamed of. Dreams shouldn't be something she needs to find comfort in anymore, not as the ache inside her should’ve been mended by what seems an ideal life.
She should love her life. She doesn’t.
That’s the irony of it all, that the reality she lives isn’t as sweet as she thought it would be. She’s on top of the industry but she’s still not existing, not even with the extra fifteen seconds part she has earned per song and appearing on tv more in six months than in seven years.
The girl who sings sugar-coated lyrics about love and friendship while making cute hearts with her hands and smiling brightly isn’t her. It’s what she does but it isn’t her. It’s not what she wants either.
She wants fireworks and a burn that takes her breath away forever. She wants to be the queen of her own world.
But today again, it seems that what she wants doesn’t matter because she’s not in her favorite place, not in that bubble of bright lights and brighter feelings.
She’s in her bed, back on earth after having touched the stars and there’s nothing she can do but rub the sleep out of her eyes and wait for her next trip again.
It wouldn’t be now, couldn’t be as Jaekyung is sleeping next to her and the weight of her arm on Noeul’s stomach is reminiscing Noeul of the dread sitting there, as heavy and suffocating.
Months ago, she would have waited for Jaekyung to wake up, wouldn’t have moved despite that ich of restlessness tickling her spine and tempting her into getting up. Months ago, she would have stayed in hed.
But everything is different now and she gets out of bed, not caring about pushing Jaekyung’s arm away from her or the noise she’s making as she shoots into her phone and watches at it disappears under her bed, satisfaction flashing in her eyes for a fleeting moment.
If only everything could disappear just as easily, she thinks for a moment as she pushes open the door of her bathroom. If only.
-
She doesn’t know what she had expected upon coming back to her bedroom but it isn’t this, it isn’t Jaekyung waiting for her, sitting on her bed with her usual easy-going smile wiped off her face and her arms hugging her knees to her chest.
“What’s this?” Jaekyung asks, breaking the silence that has settled between them. Silences between them never used to be uncomfortable. This one isn’t either. it’s more than that, she realizes, the grip she has on her towel tightening to protect herself from a gaze who is stripping her from her defenses in a desperate attempt to seek answers.
“What are you talking about?” She answers, careful to keep the blank mask she has on in place.
Jaekyung sneers at her. It’s an ugly sound but it doesn’t register in her head, not as her eyes are fixated on the bag dangling from Jaekyung’s fingers and everything around her seems to stop.
Crashing and burning are intense feelings, she supposes, and many people would probably think they’re akin to a high as it hits you right in the guts and leaves you breathless, your lungs burning for air and a dose of relief.
Noeul doesn't agree. Highs never leave you with that feeling of helplessness and knocked out on the ground, wondering when or if you will be able to just stand again, the top of the world too far from your reach.
Crashing does and it's so painful, so overwhelming that she closes her eyes and prays for everything to be a dream.
But she opens them again and Jaekyung is still there, lips pursued together and eyes unblinking and there's no other choice but step out of her bubble and enter this perpetual nightmare called reality.
"Tell me it's not what I think it is, Noeul-ah." But Noeul stays silent because it is. They both know it and if Jaekyung wants reality, Noeul will give her that.
Jaekyung doesn't like it, reality, as her fingers clenches the tiny bag still in her hands and red nails dig into the plastic, ripping it open.
Noeul supposes so as she watches Jaekyung getting up and walking towards her with a myriad of emotions swimming in her eyes that Noeul has never seen before.
"Tell me. Tell me it isn't." Jaekyung asks again and Noeul feels shame rising in her - not because she can't but because she doesn't want to, doesn’t want to deny what isn’t a mistake for her in the first place.
And as Jaekyung comes closer and drops the bag on the ground to hold her face, resting her forehead on hers, Noeul bites on her bottom lip to swallow apologies she doesn't really mean. "Tell me, Noeul. Please, tell me."
Noeul doesn't know what makes her snap, if it's the hope in her tone as Jaekyung pleads or the way her thumbs are caressing her cheeks, so delicately with that hint of love and worry as if nothing had changed.
Everything has.
"Don't do this." Noeul tries to step back but Jaekyung doesn't let go and Noeul lets out a bark of laughter that makes Jaekyung's eyes widen. "You don't have the right to do this. You don't have the right to care. It's too late."
Jaekyung freezes but doesn't step back and Noeul hates it, hates the fact that Jaekyung's eyes are full of pity.
Noeul doesn't need it, doesn't want it and she pushes her shoulders away causing Jaekyung to stagger backwards. "Don't look at me like that, unnie." The word feels so off on her tongue and it's funny, how she doesn't forget her manners even as all she wants is scream and flip everything over. "I'm not a monster, I'm not."
She probably is, in what they call reality, but their reality stopped being hers a long time ago.
She goes on, triggered by the lack of words coming out of Jaekyung’s mouth. “I did it for you, you know. I did it for you all.” She ignores the shock on the other’s face, the way her brows furrows as they usually do when she’s lost, “You remember that meeting I went to all those months ago, unnie? It all started there. The drug,” she gestures to the bag at their feet, “the sex, too.”
“What are you-” but she doesn’t let Jaekyung speak, she can’t. She needs to let it out, all of this.
“I didn’t want to at first. I mean, you’re not sleeping with anyone in years and then, there’s all these men fucking you and it’s strange and dirty,” She’s babbling but Jaekyung doesn’t interrupt her and she’s torn between feeling grateful and frustrated, “because they don’t know you, don’t like you but then… It starts feeling amazing as they all fuck you, moaning about how pretty you are and how good you feel. I liked being… something, being more the the seventh member no one cares about because she’s invisible, I-”
Jaekyung shakes her head, tears streaming down her face. “I care.” She chokes out and Noeul chuckles but it’s not a pleasant sound.
“I know you do,” It’s true, she knows but she’s also quick to notice that while Jaekyung had quickly jumped in to reassure her about being cared for, nothing had been said about her being dead weight. “But it’s not enough. I stopped being useless, unnie. I stopped being that girl who can’t sing or dance because I feel invincible.” She takes a deep breath, nodding to herself once. “I feel invincible, yeah.”
“You can sing,” Jaekyung tries again and Noeul sneers.
“What’s the point? Even if I can, when are they going to let me? Even fucking our way to the top hasn’t given me lines in songs! This is the best I will ever get! For me, at least.” She takes a step forward, pondering about getting even closer but staying where she is. “For you- For you, I do everything I can, too.”
“We-” Jaekyung steps forward, stopping right in front of her and taking her by the shoulders. Noeul notices her hands are trembling but she doesn’t say anything. It doesn’t feel right to. “We never asked you to do it. Fuck, you shouldn’t have done it!”
Noeul blinks at the curse that just escaped Jaekyung’s mouth. Jaekyung never swears. “Someone had to, unnie.”
“Not you,” Jaekyung says, “Not you. Why didn’t you let me go, Noeul? Why?”
Noeul shakes her head and she’s surprised that Jaekyung even asks as the answer is obvious. “You’re better than that.”
“So are you,” Jaekyung whispers, pushing their foreheads together again as she repeats it again. “But it’s going to be alright.”
Noeul just hums, not believing it in the slightest. “Say it again.”
Jaekyung does. It still doesn’t feel right as it rings and echoes in Noeul's ears.
But it doesn't feel wrong either. Probably, she guesses, because there's some truth to it even if the concept of what alright means is blurry and differs from person to person, differs from Jaekyung to Noeul.
One wants the sweet doll back, the other loves the rag doll better.
There's no place for both.
-
"Do you think you can do this?"
Noeul resists the urge to snigger but just purses her lips and nods. Jaekyung has taken to treating her as an invalid unable to do anything by herself since that morning two weeks ago and it's driving her crazy. Noeul had been expecting her on her doorstep this morning and she hadn’t been wrong. It could have been touching, had been a few months prior but now, it was borderline frustrating.
They're having their first recording as a group since the one she didn't attend and Noeul asks herself why she's even going to this one as she has nothing to record. The lyrics sheet had been sitting on her nightstand for the past week, a mere line circled in red.
“Singing five words in tune doesn’t look too complicated, yeah,” She jokes, but the words come out flat and biting. She doesn't regret them, even as Jaekyung's face grows red.
“That’s not what I meant,” Jaekyung stammers but Noeul just shrugs and pushes the recording room door open, clearly showing her that she’s dismissing the conversation.
There’s no time for Jaekyung to play the hero and Noeul is in no need to be saved. She’s a grown woman, one who makes and owns up to her decisions. She’s not going to fall apart, not when she has been careful to hold herself together all this time and Jaekyung is going to have to accept that.
The atmosphere is relaxed when she walks in. Seunga is going over the lyrics, not looking up from the sheet lying on her lap, and Yoonhye is in the recording booth, her brows in concentration as she nods at directions the producers give her. Woori is leaning back on the couch, legs under her as she bobs her head to the music and both Jisook and Hyunyoung are talking together in hushed tones, only falling silent as they notices Noeul standing there.
“Unnie, you’re here!” Jisook beams at her and Noeul grins back, the tense feeling in her shoulders slipping away. They aren’t angry. Noeul had doubted they would be but the little voice at the back of her mind hadn’t been so keen on believing it, trapping her a few more hours in the real world where she never feels happy anymore.
“I’m here. Missed me?” She breaks into laughter as Jisook shakes her head, the bright smile on her lips betraying her. It’s often easy to forget Jisook is only a year younger than herself and not a kid and Noeul wonders how Jisook can maintain her innocence in such a shady industry.
“We all missed you,” Seunga says calmly. Her eyes are soft, her smile even softer.
“I didn’t!” Hyunyoung exclaims, sticking her tongue out at Noeul. The maknae always had a knack for contradiction in her so Noeul isn’t surprised. Probably a way for the maknae to exist, to prove that she matters too. Noeul understands that well, more than well. “At least, you’re here this time. Another missed meeting and I would have started to wonder if you weren’t trying to sabotage us, unnie!” It’s supposed to be playful but the atmosphere shifts so suddenly that even Hyunyoung is left speechless, suddenly looking down at the ground in shame but not understanding why.
Noeul can feel Jaekyung going cold behind her, hands she hadn’t felt on her waist before now gripping her so tightly her hips would probably turn black and blue.
“Don’t ever say that again, Cho Hyunyoung.” Jaekyung cuts in and if the atmosphere wasn’t already tense enough, it definitely is now.
If Noeul had been a damsel in distress, she probably would have liked Jaekyung trying to defend her.
But Noeul doesn’t need protection, certainly not against Hyunyoung.
What she needs is to set things straight and she takes Jaekyung by the arm and drags out of the room, pretending not to see the inquisitive glances their bandmates are throwing at them.
"What are you even doing?" She demands, voice low. Her grip on Jaekyung is tight, enough for them to have matching bruises by tomorrow. "You need to calm down! It's just Hyunyoung, unnie. You know she's joking."
"I can't." Jaekyung sighs. Her eyes are red, rimmed with eyebags Jaekyung would have never dared to show on an ordinary day, and Noeul understands it's worse than what she had thought. "I tried but I can't."
Noeul is tempted to ask what she's talking about but she's too tired to play pretend. Another day, she would have pointed out that Jaekyung was the one who had promised everything would be alright. Another day, but not today when the words she utters to her are hurtful enough. "Don't ruin this. I won't forgive you." It's not about you, Noeul wants to add but doesn't. Jaekyung already looks defeated as it is. "You have to think of the girls."
Jaekyung chuckles but it rings empty and out of place. "That's all I'm doing! That's all I have been doing, trying to make Rainbow work!"
"Continue to make it work, then! Find a way! We're not ruining Rainbow because you can't handle it." She says, the words coming out of her lips both a threat and a request. "Don't fuck this up, unnie." She whispers, head resting on the leader's shoulder.
"Everything is already fucked up, Noeul-ah." She says slowly, as if the words pains her and she takes a step back, an air of finality on her face. "It's time to stop it all."
The renewal of their contracts is set to happen two weeks later at the beginning of November.
Noeul gets a feeling it won't happen.
-
When the year had started, Noeul had deemed November as the most bittersweet month of the year, the excitation of celebrating their seventh anniversary together quickly dampened down by the fact that it would probably their last one as Rainbow.
It had been before the proposition of a contract renewal, their newfound popularity and the billions of won they had earned enough for the agency to change their mind. November had seemed lovely, then.
But in the end, November is neither lovely nor bittersweet. It's a nightmare, one that she creates but also one that she escapes from.
She’s not there to view it all - the shock for a general public that hasn’t seen it coming, the incomprehension on Yoonhye’s face, the pain in Woori’ and Seunga’s eyes, the sadness that tones down Jisook’ and Hyunyoung’s bright dispositions and most of all, she isn’t there to see it, the guilt haunting Jaekyung for the years to come (when she wonders when it wrong and when she failed, being a friend and a leader).
Noeul isn’t there, trapped into this nightmare. She is living in a fairytale, where she is the Sleeping Beauty.
Jaekyung had wanted to stop it all.
Noeul had just been the one to do it.
(She had been the one who had started it, it had seemed fit she would also be the one to end it.)
-
”I am being born again now
As I forget the past when I was afraid
As I go toward my dreams.”
1 There is information of where their dorm was located, so I took the liberty of using the -dong where DSP Media headquarters are located.
2 In March 2016, Noeul will be 26 going on 27 (1989er) but she will be 28 in Korean age.
3 Lee Hoyeon, had a stroke in 2010 and has been hospitalized since then. His wife has taken over DSP Media for the time being.
4 Yang is a korean honorific form, used for females on very formal occasions.
5 In Rainbow, Jaekyung is associated to the color red. Noeul’s color is blue.