The truth?
I got an email from a (second? never figured out the whole cousin and once removed twice removed thing. One of my great aunts' daughters, anyway) cousin today. One of my great aunts died this week, and she wanted to let this side of the family know. Now, we don't really know that side of the family. They live a few thousand miles away from us and we've barely met. Among other things she wants to know how I'm doing. How can I answer that? If there's one thing this past year has taught me it's that nobody really wants the truth. So to her, I'm fine.
But I'm not. I'm tired. I'm tired of having a debilitating disease. I'm tired of feeling sick all the time. I'm tired of physical and emotional pain. I'm tired of getting up and walking anyway when my legs hurt too much to stand on. I'm tired of not having the medical care I need because Medicaid doesn't cover it and there's no money for it. I'm tired of having to be the grown up. I'm tired of being responsible. I'm tired of dealing with children in adults' bodies. I'm tired of the constant tantrums. I'm tired of the screaming and the insults. I'm tired of being treated like a whipping boy and a house elf. I'm tired of being blamed and told that I'm not doing enough because I don't work outside the house. I'm tired of being told that the house isn't clean enough and that I need to clean more. I'm tired of wearing tatty clothes and trying to patch them together and being told that if I want new ones, I need to earn them, despite the fact that the family gets my entire income. I'm tired of being told I'm the most dishonest, selfish person in the world. I'm tired of my wants and needs and feelings being pushed aside and completely ignored. I'm tired of being told that I don't really need a bedroom because I sleep on the couch, anyway. And I'm tired of having to do that because my bed is so bad that I'm in pain after having slept on it for days afterward. I'm tired of being told that I'm not really sick and I use everything as an excuse. Even when I was suicidal. Apparently, that, too, is an excuse for not completely supporting the Aspies financially. I'm tired of being told I should be supporting the entire family making cosplay costumes when I don't know the first thing about costume design or pattern making, I have no interest in it, and I simply don't have the skills to do it. I'm tired of being told that those facts are just excuses. I'm tired of being told that they don't like what there is to eat when we're lucky to have food at all. I'm tired of having what everyone else doesn't want to do dumped on me. I'm tired of having to take care of the real kids because everyone else is going to a movie and I'm not invited. I'm tired of anxiety attacks and having to scrape and scrounge to afford the $0.50 a month for my medication that I didn't need before all these people became my responsibility. I'm tired of poverty. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I spend any amount of money on myself, even that damn fifty cents a month for medicine. I'm tired of feeling worthless and having those feelings backed up by the three siblings I live with. I'm tired of having to take care of everybody when it's become patently clear that nobody will take care of me. I'm tired of having to do all the household chores because they don't want to and refuse to help. I'm tired of being told to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of having to bury myself in fiction just to get by. I'm tired of being told that my life is so "easy". I'm tired of feeling like God must really hate me to give all this garbage to me, or my siblings are right and I must be a horrible, evil person to deserve this. I'm tired of not having anyone in my life, aside from the babies, who care if I live or die. I'm tired of feeling that I'm better off dead. I'm tired of living. Period.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal... right now. There's no danger of me offing myself. I won't do that to my babies. And I'm talking about the real ones. The six year old, three year old, and one year old that spend 40 hours+ a week with me so their parents can both work and stay out of bankruptcy. I do have to admit that there have been times over the past year when the huge Sam's bottle of OTC painkiller combined with the idea of it being a way out has looked extremely tempting. Yes. I've been suicidal a few times over this past year. But I refuse to be that selfish. I've spent my entire life trying to NOT be like my older siblings. And in a way asperger's syndrome is extreme selfishness combined with childishness and behavior disorders. My cousin doesn't want to know these things. So I'm fine, I guess. But the truth is that I'm tired.
But I'm not. I'm tired. I'm tired of having a debilitating disease. I'm tired of feeling sick all the time. I'm tired of physical and emotional pain. I'm tired of getting up and walking anyway when my legs hurt too much to stand on. I'm tired of not having the medical care I need because Medicaid doesn't cover it and there's no money for it. I'm tired of having to be the grown up. I'm tired of being responsible. I'm tired of dealing with children in adults' bodies. I'm tired of the constant tantrums. I'm tired of the screaming and the insults. I'm tired of being treated like a whipping boy and a house elf. I'm tired of being blamed and told that I'm not doing enough because I don't work outside the house. I'm tired of being told that the house isn't clean enough and that I need to clean more. I'm tired of wearing tatty clothes and trying to patch them together and being told that if I want new ones, I need to earn them, despite the fact that the family gets my entire income. I'm tired of being told I'm the most dishonest, selfish person in the world. I'm tired of my wants and needs and feelings being pushed aside and completely ignored. I'm tired of being told that I don't really need a bedroom because I sleep on the couch, anyway. And I'm tired of having to do that because my bed is so bad that I'm in pain after having slept on it for days afterward. I'm tired of being told that I'm not really sick and I use everything as an excuse. Even when I was suicidal. Apparently, that, too, is an excuse for not completely supporting the Aspies financially. I'm tired of being told I should be supporting the entire family making cosplay costumes when I don't know the first thing about costume design or pattern making, I have no interest in it, and I simply don't have the skills to do it. I'm tired of being told that those facts are just excuses. I'm tired of being told that they don't like what there is to eat when we're lucky to have food at all. I'm tired of having what everyone else doesn't want to do dumped on me. I'm tired of having to take care of the real kids because everyone else is going to a movie and I'm not invited. I'm tired of anxiety attacks and having to scrape and scrounge to afford the $0.50 a month for my medication that I didn't need before all these people became my responsibility. I'm tired of poverty. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I spend any amount of money on myself, even that damn fifty cents a month for medicine. I'm tired of feeling worthless and having those feelings backed up by the three siblings I live with. I'm tired of having to take care of everybody when it's become patently clear that nobody will take care of me. I'm tired of having to do all the household chores because they don't want to and refuse to help. I'm tired of being told to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of having to bury myself in fiction just to get by. I'm tired of being told that my life is so "easy". I'm tired of feeling like God must really hate me to give all this garbage to me, or my siblings are right and I must be a horrible, evil person to deserve this. I'm tired of not having anyone in my life, aside from the babies, who care if I live or die. I'm tired of feeling that I'm better off dead. I'm tired of living. Period.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal... right now. There's no danger of me offing myself. I won't do that to my babies. And I'm talking about the real ones. The six year old, three year old, and one year old that spend 40 hours+ a week with me so their parents can both work and stay out of bankruptcy. I do have to admit that there have been times over the past year when the huge Sam's bottle of OTC painkiller combined with the idea of it being a way out has looked extremely tempting. Yes. I've been suicidal a few times over this past year. But I refuse to be that selfish. I've spent my entire life trying to NOT be like my older siblings. And in a way asperger's syndrome is extreme selfishness combined with childishness and behavior disorders. My cousin doesn't want to know these things. So I'm fine, I guess. But the truth is that I'm tired.