Guilty of being Grateful
I was going to write a post about what I’m grateful for, because the other day malterre made a post about what she’s grateful for in response to an Everyday Feminism post that she couldn’t find (I suspect it was this one about everyday class privilege). But then I found and read that Everyday Feminism post, and now I’m not feeling grateful any more, I’m feeling guilty about all my privilege. Dammit.
***
This one really went off the rails.
While I like reading Everyday Feminism for the occasional insight (I've got a male friend on FB who reposts from the site frequently), I also feel like the site is well over the line into privilege shaming territory (even if they did recently have a post about avoiding the Oppression Olympics i.e. my minority is more oppressed than your minority, they still do it ALL THE TIME). They don’t seem to realize that the tone of most of their articles basically boils down to “You should be ashamed of your privilege.” And that gets really tiresome after a while. (There I go, tone policing again!)
And as I said recently in another post, I don’t mind checking my privilege every now and then, but I really don’t want to make it my full-time fucking job. If I walk around feeling guilty for my blessings all the time, then what's the point of having any blessings? That level of guilt can be crippling. And I refuse to wallow in it. I don’t think it’s healthy. And I really resent this movement to make me feel bad about myself because I’m a white, heterosexual, middle-class woman. I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I don’t like being told that I need to feel bad about it because not everyone else has the same success that I’ve had because I’m not being oppressed.
I’m a little disappointed in how Third-Wave Feminism seems to mostly be focused on making middle-class heterosexual white women feel guilty for their privilege.
[The Feminist Waves, because sometime I have trouble keeping them straight]First-wave feminism was a period of feminist activity that occurred in the early 19th and early 20th century throughout the world, particularly in the United Kingdom, Canada, the Netherlands and the United States. It focused on legal issues, primarily on gaining women's suffrage (the right to vote).
Second-wave feminism broadened the debate to a wide range of issues: sexuality, family, the workplace, reproductive rights, de facto inequalities, and official legal inequalities. Second-wave feminism also drew attention to domestic violence and marital rape issues, establishment of rape crisis and battered women's shelters, and changes in custody and divorce law.
Third wave feminism expands the topic of feminism to include a diverse group of women with a diverse set of identities. Third Wave feminists have broadened their goals, focusing on ideas like queer theory, and abolishing gender role expectations and stereotypes. Third-wave feminists often focus on "micro-politics", and challenge the second wave's paradigm as to what is, or is not, good for women.
(And yeah, I get that “I guess another ah-ha moment is realizing that privilege is having your feelings hurt by being called racist or sexist or transphobic or problematic, but not actually having to face racism or sexism or transphobia day to day.” But why on earth would your solution to some people not having their feelings hurt on a daily basis to be to drag them down into the pool of hurt feelings too? Women already have enough issues with low self-esteem and suffering from impostor syndrome, we don't need our own sisters working so hard to make us feel worse about ourselves.)
I can fight for social justice without all the guilt, thankyouverymuch. I’ve gotten to the point where when I click through on a link and it leads to the Everyday Feminism site, I don’t bother to read the article. Because I know it’s just going to make me feel bad about myself. It’s not a safe space to learn about issues, it’s a place to go get told that you’re doing it wrong. Everything wrong. Even when you think you’re being a sensitive person, there’s someone else that you’ve somehow wronged. And if you’re a sensitive dude? Give it up, there’s no way you’re being feminist enough. (WTF?!?! I’m not even allowed to enjoy having sex now because it’s sexist! )
I’m starting to understand where this backlash Men’s Right’s movement is coming from. Even if you’re a well meaning man, third-wave feminists can beat you over the head until you feel broken. One of my friends recently posted something on Facebook that really made me incredibly sad. He’s a guy I’ve known through faire for about ten years now, and I’ve watched him grow up into a really well educated, thoughtful young man. But this exchange made me want to cry for him. As far as I’m concerned, there is no reason why encountering a feminist should lead to PTSD levels of emotional trauma in anyone (and especially not in men. If you're hurting men, that's misandry, not feminism.).
And I’m starting to understand why there’s a whole “I don’t need Feminism” movement on Tumblr. Because if this is the only Feminism that young men and women have been exposed to? Ugh, I wouldn’t need it either.
I’m a second-wave feminist. I don’t think we’re quite done fighting those battles yet. This third wave stuff feels like arguing over who gets more of the scraps, when I think we should still be fighting for our fair half of the pie.
Related Reading
The U.N. Sent 3 Foreign Women To The U.S. To Assess Gender Equality. They Were Horrified. The women discovered during their visit that women in the United States have "missing rights" compared to the rest of the world.
Thank you UN for making my point that the things the Second Wave set out to do haven’t all been accomplished yet.
Erasure. A feminist journalist (of the second wave) talking about being shut out of feminist sites and who is really running the Third Wave.
ETA - In this scenario, I'm the circle who makes sure the hole is big enough for everyone to fit through.
***
This one really went off the rails.
While I like reading Everyday Feminism for the occasional insight (I've got a male friend on FB who reposts from the site frequently), I also feel like the site is well over the line into privilege shaming territory (even if they did recently have a post about avoiding the Oppression Olympics i.e. my minority is more oppressed than your minority, they still do it ALL THE TIME). They don’t seem to realize that the tone of most of their articles basically boils down to “You should be ashamed of your privilege.” And that gets really tiresome after a while. (There I go, tone policing again!)
And as I said recently in another post, I don’t mind checking my privilege every now and then, but I really don’t want to make it my full-time fucking job. If I walk around feeling guilty for my blessings all the time, then what's the point of having any blessings? That level of guilt can be crippling. And I refuse to wallow in it. I don’t think it’s healthy. And I really resent this movement to make me feel bad about myself because I’m a white, heterosexual, middle-class woman. I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I don’t like being told that I need to feel bad about it because not everyone else has the same success that I’ve had because I’m not being oppressed.
I’m a little disappointed in how Third-Wave Feminism seems to mostly be focused on making middle-class heterosexual white women feel guilty for their privilege.
[The Feminist Waves, because sometime I have trouble keeping them straight]First-wave feminism was a period of feminist activity that occurred in the early 19th and early 20th century throughout the world, particularly in the United Kingdom, Canada, the Netherlands and the United States. It focused on legal issues, primarily on gaining women's suffrage (the right to vote).
Second-wave feminism broadened the debate to a wide range of issues: sexuality, family, the workplace, reproductive rights, de facto inequalities, and official legal inequalities. Second-wave feminism also drew attention to domestic violence and marital rape issues, establishment of rape crisis and battered women's shelters, and changes in custody and divorce law.
Third wave feminism expands the topic of feminism to include a diverse group of women with a diverse set of identities. Third Wave feminists have broadened their goals, focusing on ideas like queer theory, and abolishing gender role expectations and stereotypes. Third-wave feminists often focus on "micro-politics", and challenge the second wave's paradigm as to what is, or is not, good for women.
(And yeah, I get that “I guess another ah-ha moment is realizing that privilege is having your feelings hurt by being called racist or sexist or transphobic or problematic, but not actually having to face racism or sexism or transphobia day to day.” But why on earth would your solution to some people not having their feelings hurt on a daily basis to be to drag them down into the pool of hurt feelings too? Women already have enough issues with low self-esteem and suffering from impostor syndrome, we don't need our own sisters working so hard to make us feel worse about ourselves.)
I can fight for social justice without all the guilt, thankyouverymuch. I’ve gotten to the point where when I click through on a link and it leads to the Everyday Feminism site, I don’t bother to read the article. Because I know it’s just going to make me feel bad about myself. It’s not a safe space to learn about issues, it’s a place to go get told that you’re doing it wrong. Everything wrong. Even when you think you’re being a sensitive person, there’s someone else that you’ve somehow wronged. And if you’re a sensitive dude? Give it up, there’s no way you’re being feminist enough. (WTF?!?! I’m not even allowed to enjoy having sex now because it’s sexist! )
I’m starting to understand where this backlash Men’s Right’s movement is coming from. Even if you’re a well meaning man, third-wave feminists can beat you over the head until you feel broken. One of my friends recently posted something on Facebook that really made me incredibly sad. He’s a guy I’ve known through faire for about ten years now, and I’ve watched him grow up into a really well educated, thoughtful young man. But this exchange made me want to cry for him. As far as I’m concerned, there is no reason why encountering a feminist should lead to PTSD levels of emotional trauma in anyone (and especially not in men. If you're hurting men, that's misandry, not feminism.).
And I’m starting to understand why there’s a whole “I don’t need Feminism” movement on Tumblr. Because if this is the only Feminism that young men and women have been exposed to? Ugh, I wouldn’t need it either.
I’m a second-wave feminist. I don’t think we’re quite done fighting those battles yet. This third wave stuff feels like arguing over who gets more of the scraps, when I think we should still be fighting for our fair half of the pie.
Related Reading
The U.N. Sent 3 Foreign Women To The U.S. To Assess Gender Equality. They Were Horrified. The women discovered during their visit that women in the United States have "missing rights" compared to the rest of the world.
Thank you UN for making my point that the things the Second Wave set out to do haven’t all been accomplished yet.
Erasure. A feminist journalist (of the second wave) talking about being shut out of feminist sites and who is really running the Third Wave.
ETA - In this scenario, I'm the circle who makes sure the hole is big enough for everyone to fit through.