Parades are worse than the republican party
Today is Veterans Day and there was a parade right outside our office. I never really even knew that Birmingham had a Veteran’s Day parade, but we do, and it’s like the biggest and oldest veterans day parade in the nation. There were people from Ohio in it. People drove all the way from Ohio to be in a parade that goes by my window and that I never even knew about until today. That makes me feel 1.) lousy and 2.) like Parades are dumb.
Can I say that? Parades are stupid. I hate parades. There I said it.
All it is is a bunch of people walking and marching and waving and riding in vehicles and smiling. They don’t throw candy anymore because anything that is dangerous is no-longer allowed. (Catching candy while you stand on a curb is not very dangerous, by the way, and I will get to this later.) There were no tanks or big floats or big floating balloons or anything. Just cars and trucks and motorcycles and a bunch of high school marching bands. Some army people walked by but they didn’t even shoot anything. I want to plan a parade. I want to plan a parade where you stage urban battle plans and tanks fire shells into buildings. People could scream and run for their lives and everything.
At the beginning of the parade, Ms. Alabama was riding in a car. She was wearing sun-glasses. I wanted so bad to scream out something to her. I wanted to scream something like “Ms. Alabama why are you not MRS. Alabama?” “Ms. Alabama when you smile you look like a manikin.” “Ms. Alabama you wave like a damn fool!” or “Ms. Alabama I think you and manikin’s are HOT and SEXY!” Then I would have hooted and hollered.
No one likes parades. You know what is better than a parade? Well I’ll tell you. Everything is better than parades. Being a human dart board is better than a parade. Getting eaten by hungry buffalo is better than a parade. Choking is better than a parade. It’s true.
And they don’t throw candy anymore. As if we needed one more reason to hate parades. It used to be fun to go to parades because candy flew from the sky like bird poop and radio waves. These days it is no longer permissible to throw candy because people are afraid of people getting hurt. It’s not like we’re asking Ms. America to toss flame throwers into the laps of school-children. We’re asking for little nuggets of tasty delight to rain down like a soft spring shower. People are concerned about children running into the street and getting run over. 1. Parents should watch their kids and not let them run into the street. 2. If a kid gets run over by a vehicle traveling at 5 mph, the child clearly has been naturally selected to not be allowed to reproduce. Thank you Darwin for this magnificent insight.
For all this talk of parades, I should mention that I was once in a parade. It was last year at Christmas time. I dressed up like an elf and danced my heart out. I covertly dispersed candy when the police weren’t watching and when I saw santa I totally freaked out. I stood right next to him and kept screaming “SANTA!” over and over until it was so unbearably awkward that santa walked away. It was awesome. Ms. Claus actually gave me a very disappointed, disapproving look.
For anybody who is wondering, it wasn’t the real santa.
Brian T. Murphy
Can I say that? Parades are stupid. I hate parades. There I said it.
All it is is a bunch of people walking and marching and waving and riding in vehicles and smiling. They don’t throw candy anymore because anything that is dangerous is no-longer allowed. (Catching candy while you stand on a curb is not very dangerous, by the way, and I will get to this later.) There were no tanks or big floats or big floating balloons or anything. Just cars and trucks and motorcycles and a bunch of high school marching bands. Some army people walked by but they didn’t even shoot anything. I want to plan a parade. I want to plan a parade where you stage urban battle plans and tanks fire shells into buildings. People could scream and run for their lives and everything.
At the beginning of the parade, Ms. Alabama was riding in a car. She was wearing sun-glasses. I wanted so bad to scream out something to her. I wanted to scream something like “Ms. Alabama why are you not MRS. Alabama?” “Ms. Alabama when you smile you look like a manikin.” “Ms. Alabama you wave like a damn fool!” or “Ms. Alabama I think you and manikin’s are HOT and SEXY!” Then I would have hooted and hollered.
No one likes parades. You know what is better than a parade? Well I’ll tell you. Everything is better than parades. Being a human dart board is better than a parade. Getting eaten by hungry buffalo is better than a parade. Choking is better than a parade. It’s true.
And they don’t throw candy anymore. As if we needed one more reason to hate parades. It used to be fun to go to parades because candy flew from the sky like bird poop and radio waves. These days it is no longer permissible to throw candy because people are afraid of people getting hurt. It’s not like we’re asking Ms. America to toss flame throwers into the laps of school-children. We’re asking for little nuggets of tasty delight to rain down like a soft spring shower. People are concerned about children running into the street and getting run over. 1. Parents should watch their kids and not let them run into the street. 2. If a kid gets run over by a vehicle traveling at 5 mph, the child clearly has been naturally selected to not be allowed to reproduce. Thank you Darwin for this magnificent insight.
For all this talk of parades, I should mention that I was once in a parade. It was last year at Christmas time. I dressed up like an elf and danced my heart out. I covertly dispersed candy when the police weren’t watching and when I saw santa I totally freaked out. I stood right next to him and kept screaming “SANTA!” over and over until it was so unbearably awkward that santa walked away. It was awesome. Ms. Claus actually gave me a very disappointed, disapproving look.
For anybody who is wondering, it wasn’t the real santa.
Brian T. Murphy