Why Am I Always So Drained...
After every therapy session? I mean I was a little tired before I went in there, but hell's bells I'm tired now. I mean, it was an AMAZING session, most of them are, but I think the effort it takes to dig within my psyche is exhausting.
Today was a great session, though. I think we got to the core of my doubts about myself, my lack of faith in myself, and so on. It all comes, I think, from a fear of abandonment I've had since I was 3 or so. I seem to worry that everyone I like or love will, at some point, leave me. I'm also worried that nearly anything I say or do has tremendous consequences in their willingness to stay or leave. This, to me, means that I always feel like I'm walking on the edge of a cliff, always afraid to do the one little thing to fall. So this has been the problem...even though I'm surrounded by proof that I'm a good, worthwhile person...even though that Kelly gives me proof EVERY DAY that I am indeed loved and lovable, I'm still afraid of losing it all.
This fear might have worked well at one time, nearly 31 years ago, but it doesn't work anymore, and I've decided to let it go. The fear, that is. I don't need it, I don't want it, and I don't care for it anymore. It probably protected me for a short time, but now it's not needed, so I'm letting it go. I'm not going to be afraid anymore...I'm not going to be on edge anymore. I have undeniable evidence that I am indeed loved, and that love isn't going anywhere. Kelly, and all of you, show me that every single day, and for that I am truly grateful to everyone in my life. :) Thank you, thank you, thank you for being there for me. I love and appreciate all of you. :)
I hope you're having a shiny day. I think I will, despite being just exhausted. Well, I guess that's an excuse to lie in bed tonight and read more Dresden. ;)
Today was a great session, though. I think we got to the core of my doubts about myself, my lack of faith in myself, and so on. It all comes, I think, from a fear of abandonment I've had since I was 3 or so. I seem to worry that everyone I like or love will, at some point, leave me. I'm also worried that nearly anything I say or do has tremendous consequences in their willingness to stay or leave. This, to me, means that I always feel like I'm walking on the edge of a cliff, always afraid to do the one little thing to fall. So this has been the problem...even though I'm surrounded by proof that I'm a good, worthwhile person...even though that Kelly gives me proof EVERY DAY that I am indeed loved and lovable, I'm still afraid of losing it all.
This fear might have worked well at one time, nearly 31 years ago, but it doesn't work anymore, and I've decided to let it go. The fear, that is. I don't need it, I don't want it, and I don't care for it anymore. It probably protected me for a short time, but now it's not needed, so I'm letting it go. I'm not going to be afraid anymore...I'm not going to be on edge anymore. I have undeniable evidence that I am indeed loved, and that love isn't going anywhere. Kelly, and all of you, show me that every single day, and for that I am truly grateful to everyone in my life. :) Thank you, thank you, thank you for being there for me. I love and appreciate all of you. :)
I hope you're having a shiny day. I think I will, despite being just exhausted. Well, I guess that's an excuse to lie in bed tonight and read more Dresden. ;)