Working it all out
There is so much happening in my head, I can't stay focused on anything and I am so frustrated! I am behind on my school work, behind on my office work, behind on balancing my checkbook and paying bills, behind on cleaning and painting...and here I am bitching about it rather than doing something about it. I am hoping for some kind of catharsis, I guess, get it all out and maybe I can get back to something productive.
First...school. School is something that I have always been good at, and has always come easily for me. Not so much anymore. I failed both parts of my final exam in corporate income tax accounting, and failed my midterm for Advanced Accounting 1. I submitted my 200 point comprehensive project with numbers that don't balance and don't match the check figures, so that isn't going to go well for me either. I used to be the kind of person who got a bad grade, and it was like a kick in the ass to get moving and do better, but I find it really demoralizing now for some reason and it makes it harder and harder to get to work. What happened to me? How did I become this person who just gives up? I seriously considered dropping out. Dropping out! That is insanity. Though, if the shoe fits. I wonder, am I being humbled? Did I try to do this without God, put too much faith in myself? I have 5 weeks left of the term, and then a fabulous vacation scheduled right after finals, then a month off. I have to bust my butt for the next five weeks, then regroup. I can still graduate in May with honors. I just have to decide that is what I want. What exactly is it that I want?
Second...the guy. So, there is this guy. I am so into this guy. I haven't felt like this about a guy since I don't know when. Probably Matt (yeah, that would be 15 years ago). Everything feels so easy with him. He just walked into my life as if he had been there all along, without any of the usual awkwardness and anxiety that I usually feel with "new" people. And I like this about him, how easy it is to talk to him, though I also often find myself mentally telling myself to shut up because of the bad case of word vomit that he gives me, but I also find it a touch unnerving. When I thought it was a crush, everything was fine. Now, now that I know that the things that I like about him also make me a little bit scared, I think it's a bit more and I just don't know what to do. Heaven knows I won't make a move on him and for at least one really good reason it's pretty impossible that he will even if he is into me...which seems unlikely considering that the word vomit makes me come off certifiable. Again, if the shoe fits. Even if my anxiety didn't prevent me from making a move, that one really good reason would. So what do I do? Pretend like it's nothing, the way I did with Matt, and just let him go? Spend the rest of my life wondering what kind of woman he's with, whether making a move would have made a difference, if I'll find another person that makes me feel like this?
Third...my job. Holy cats has my job been a bitch lately. After nine long years of taking hits, I finally cracked. I told Mike that things had to change. I was pretty proud of myself, actually, I was very articulate. I told him that things had to change, and exactly how they had to change. What I needed to keep moving forward. I told him about the anxiety, and that I needed more structure from him, more formal guidelines. I told him that I can't keep doing this job and not knowing why. And I have to give him credit, he is really trying. I don't think he understands, but he is really trying. Unfortunately, it has caused a problem. I told him that I felt like a failure. That most days I come home feeling like I've gone 10 rounds with a prize fighter. He decided that this meant that I have too much on my plate, and so he had Heather start doing the closings. What he doesn't understand, is that the decision to do this basically validated my feeling of failure. He thinks he is helping, when in reality, he said "yep, you sure are." I guess next week we're going to have a pow wow and go over it again, which has me all wound up. What is the point of going over it again and again? I can't make him understand, I have tried. And if nothing is going to change, why should we all waste the time? Also, Heather is really struggling with the closings, and having to help her is really hard on me. She knows this, and is trying to be sensitive, and I'm trying to be nice and not take my frustration out on her because she didn't make the decision and it is not her fault and that is really hard on her. It is this huge elephant in the room for us, and we just keep dancing around it.
Finally...drugs. I've been trying not to take the clonazepam. I went for a while taking it every day, and I've discovered that I don't feel much different during the day when I take it from when I don't. Sure, it helps me sleep, but the quality of sleep that I get is not the same. The anxiety on the whole is much higher than it has ever been, partly due to school and the guy and my job, but partly just because that is how my brain seems to want to work right now. The panic attacks seem to have settled down, though the last one was really bad, and if they're going to be that bad then they need to be further apart or I'll go completely mad. Anyway, I digress. I'm concerned that it is not the right medication for me, but I don't know how to approach that. I do NOT want to be on an SSRI. I don't want to be on anything that I will be required to take every day, I don't want to be on anything that I will have to be weaned off of or will have withdrawal if I don't take it, and I don't want to be on something that "levels me out." Which, if you do your research on depression/anxiety meds, rules out just about everything that isn't clonazepam. Awesome, right? I met a lady last weekend who swears by essential oils, and I'm seriously considering that, it might be the way to go. Maybe it will help, and it can't hurt, but it sure is expensive! Much more expensive than the drugs, ironically.
So, there it is. Now to get back to work.
First...school. School is something that I have always been good at, and has always come easily for me. Not so much anymore. I failed both parts of my final exam in corporate income tax accounting, and failed my midterm for Advanced Accounting 1. I submitted my 200 point comprehensive project with numbers that don't balance and don't match the check figures, so that isn't going to go well for me either. I used to be the kind of person who got a bad grade, and it was like a kick in the ass to get moving and do better, but I find it really demoralizing now for some reason and it makes it harder and harder to get to work. What happened to me? How did I become this person who just gives up? I seriously considered dropping out. Dropping out! That is insanity. Though, if the shoe fits. I wonder, am I being humbled? Did I try to do this without God, put too much faith in myself? I have 5 weeks left of the term, and then a fabulous vacation scheduled right after finals, then a month off. I have to bust my butt for the next five weeks, then regroup. I can still graduate in May with honors. I just have to decide that is what I want. What exactly is it that I want?
Second...the guy. So, there is this guy. I am so into this guy. I haven't felt like this about a guy since I don't know when. Probably Matt (yeah, that would be 15 years ago). Everything feels so easy with him. He just walked into my life as if he had been there all along, without any of the usual awkwardness and anxiety that I usually feel with "new" people. And I like this about him, how easy it is to talk to him, though I also often find myself mentally telling myself to shut up because of the bad case of word vomit that he gives me, but I also find it a touch unnerving. When I thought it was a crush, everything was fine. Now, now that I know that the things that I like about him also make me a little bit scared, I think it's a bit more and I just don't know what to do. Heaven knows I won't make a move on him and for at least one really good reason it's pretty impossible that he will even if he is into me...which seems unlikely considering that the word vomit makes me come off certifiable. Again, if the shoe fits. Even if my anxiety didn't prevent me from making a move, that one really good reason would. So what do I do? Pretend like it's nothing, the way I did with Matt, and just let him go? Spend the rest of my life wondering what kind of woman he's with, whether making a move would have made a difference, if I'll find another person that makes me feel like this?
Third...my job. Holy cats has my job been a bitch lately. After nine long years of taking hits, I finally cracked. I told Mike that things had to change. I was pretty proud of myself, actually, I was very articulate. I told him that things had to change, and exactly how they had to change. What I needed to keep moving forward. I told him about the anxiety, and that I needed more structure from him, more formal guidelines. I told him that I can't keep doing this job and not knowing why. And I have to give him credit, he is really trying. I don't think he understands, but he is really trying. Unfortunately, it has caused a problem. I told him that I felt like a failure. That most days I come home feeling like I've gone 10 rounds with a prize fighter. He decided that this meant that I have too much on my plate, and so he had Heather start doing the closings. What he doesn't understand, is that the decision to do this basically validated my feeling of failure. He thinks he is helping, when in reality, he said "yep, you sure are." I guess next week we're going to have a pow wow and go over it again, which has me all wound up. What is the point of going over it again and again? I can't make him understand, I have tried. And if nothing is going to change, why should we all waste the time? Also, Heather is really struggling with the closings, and having to help her is really hard on me. She knows this, and is trying to be sensitive, and I'm trying to be nice and not take my frustration out on her because she didn't make the decision and it is not her fault and that is really hard on her. It is this huge elephant in the room for us, and we just keep dancing around it.
Finally...drugs. I've been trying not to take the clonazepam. I went for a while taking it every day, and I've discovered that I don't feel much different during the day when I take it from when I don't. Sure, it helps me sleep, but the quality of sleep that I get is not the same. The anxiety on the whole is much higher than it has ever been, partly due to school and the guy and my job, but partly just because that is how my brain seems to want to work right now. The panic attacks seem to have settled down, though the last one was really bad, and if they're going to be that bad then they need to be further apart or I'll go completely mad. Anyway, I digress. I'm concerned that it is not the right medication for me, but I don't know how to approach that. I do NOT want to be on an SSRI. I don't want to be on anything that I will be required to take every day, I don't want to be on anything that I will have to be weaned off of or will have withdrawal if I don't take it, and I don't want to be on something that "levels me out." Which, if you do your research on depression/anxiety meds, rules out just about everything that isn't clonazepam. Awesome, right? I met a lady last weekend who swears by essential oils, and I'm seriously considering that, it might be the way to go. Maybe it will help, and it can't hurt, but it sure is expensive! Much more expensive than the drugs, ironically.
So, there it is. Now to get back to work.