Digressing from a 4th dimension
There are and have been times when I feel like something is about to happen - Like there is something simmering just beneath the surface of my skin and it's about to come to a boil, bringing about remarkable change. I never know what kind of change, unfortunately.
Using the past as my only compass, the last time I felt like this there was a lot:
I thought I fell in love,
I wrote my first song,
I realized I had a true friend,
I learned more than I ever wanted to about being a good house guest,
the person who I thought was my soul mate turned out to be a beacon to greater things,
I found the bottom,
I did what I always said I was going to do,
I let go of what I thought was important,
I found friends that I believed in, and who believed in me
I fell in love for real.
I wrote more songs.
I realize this post is more open than my usual ramblings. Typically, long posts involve some kind of annoyance, word I need to get out, sadness. This is none of those. I have things I need to acknowledge in order to internalize their weight.
It's been a tough week in a few ways. Heavy and light all at once. I'm having trouble interacting normally. I think sometimes I pick up the phone just to acknowledge that friends are around - not because I am lonely, but because I love them. I talked to myself while I was all alone at home today - out loud so I could hear what it is I've been trying to figure out. It freaked me out for a second, but I think you reach a new level of comfort with yourself when you can do that. It is weird though - I'm using a tool (talking) humans invented to communicate ideas with one another so that they didn't have to keep throwing tantrums when they wanted something that other people were unintentionally keeping from them. I suppose you could say I'm searching the sound of my own voice for breadcrumbs my future self has left behind.
Using the past as my only compass, the last time I felt like this there was a lot:
I thought I fell in love,
I wrote my first song,
I realized I had a true friend,
I learned more than I ever wanted to about being a good house guest,
the person who I thought was my soul mate turned out to be a beacon to greater things,
I found the bottom,
I did what I always said I was going to do,
I let go of what I thought was important,
I found friends that I believed in, and who believed in me
I fell in love for real.
I wrote more songs.
I realize this post is more open than my usual ramblings. Typically, long posts involve some kind of annoyance, word I need to get out, sadness. This is none of those. I have things I need to acknowledge in order to internalize their weight.
It's been a tough week in a few ways. Heavy and light all at once. I'm having trouble interacting normally. I think sometimes I pick up the phone just to acknowledge that friends are around - not because I am lonely, but because I love them. I talked to myself while I was all alone at home today - out loud so I could hear what it is I've been trying to figure out. It freaked me out for a second, but I think you reach a new level of comfort with yourself when you can do that. It is weird though - I'm using a tool (talking) humans invented to communicate ideas with one another so that they didn't have to keep throwing tantrums when they wanted something that other people were unintentionally keeping from them. I suppose you could say I'm searching the sound of my own voice for breadcrumbs my future self has left behind.