🎶It's been so long... Since I've seen her face ...You say she's doin' fine.🎶
This sweet little girl loved animals and plants, even more than people. While she attempted to downplay her cute looks, this lovely girl was much more pretty than she was able to hide, and it was easy to see why the boys would tease and invite her to join them as they would show off or purposefully get her to get her to tend their injuries.
Today I had been planning to get together with the biological father and stepmother, my friends and I had pushed off other plans so I could do this, and once again - this is three times now, so no more - they canceled because it wasn't convenient for her son! I told her I'd get back to her when I might be available. I'm pissed, and am trying not to be, because I can expect no less from those two and that fucking spoiled rotten little boy-man-child she's coddled since before I had ever known them, and the bio-dad took to doing after the prick was out from under their roof but still would treat the brat better than his own son. The blood of the covenant is stronger than the water of the womb, for certain! My family are the kids I ran with (nearly all of them Keen Suns/Sunflowers) and my Soul Mom, they're the ones who haven't fucked me over in all the time I've known them. And as I think about it, I recall days long ago, when Old Reed, Tammi, A.J. and T.J. Wei and I would spend holidays with Aha Tae, sometimes with others joining us, but more often just the few of us.
🎶I still recall
A sad cafe🎶
There were years Aha and Wei would go to be with other family during that time, and when Reed was put into a long-term facility, that left just me and the three girls at one of the many missions, helping to serve and then sitting to have a plate ourselves. When T.J. and A.J. were taken to their grandmother the last couple of years, Tammi and I went to the little sandwich shop that Naya's family had shared ownership in. Sitting quietly together, it was easy to see the forlorn look in her eyes that she attempted to disguise and made me realize just how alone the two of us really were in the world. She didn't know her relatives, mine were so committed to being hurtful and hateful that holidays were just another excuse to get high, drunk and fight, even for the teens. Why bother. But I adored her, even though she would play games with my heart, and I know she cared about me though she was always afraid of me potentially losing control one day or just disappearing and her finding out from someone I had missed a jump from one rooftop to another, or been knifed or gunned down by some motherfucker out to make a name for himself by taking out The Cripkiller.
A few times I was so wiped out from fighting or just running until I was completely exhausted with no sleep, Tammi would lay down beside me, even on gravel or blacktop, and keep me feeling safe and warm. She cared in little ways, and that does matter, and it shows how her trauma shaped her, much like my own shaped me, to be the considerate, observant, protective type of people we both are today.
🎶How it hurt so bad
to see her cry
I didn't want to say goodbye🎶
After Vighn was gone, I found myself wanting to let her and A.J. know that I wasn't in juvie, wasn't dead as well, and that hurt not being able to get word to them at first. I cared deeply for both of them, and I do still care about Tammi, and am glad she's happy with Aaron now. I still have strong feelings for her. Seeing her recently brought them to the surface, though I clamped down on them before most anyone noticed. But talking with her just this morning, she did. And she knows how bad I feel that she spent nights pacing, tossing and turning, crying herself into exhausted sleep for months, and at times that familiar pang of grief I felt myself bringing it all bubbling back up again. When she found out from A.J. that I was alive and okay but dealing with juvenile authorities, it scared her, and she spoke of that, too. Again, I apologized, not knowing what else to say or do.
🎶Send her my love, memories remain
Send her my love, roses never fade
Send her my love🎶
Aaron knows I care. He knows my love runs deep for the woman he is married to. He doesn't have a problem with that, he worries about me, and that surprises me. He does love her and understands what it was - and still is - about her that I have always loved and cherished. Tammi is a gentle heart wrapped in a tough-girl attitude, she's playful and can get carried away with the teasing because she was being groomed by a nasty-ass scab of a person who wasn't just her mom's lover, but also her mother's pimp. And her mother had no filter, refusing to recognize boundaries because she was someone who felt like all men were the same and only wanted one thing after Tammi's dad - her mom's high-school sweetheart - had his way with her and dumped her while she was just finding out she was expecting a child. Tammi has learned boundaries, and when and when not to flirt, thanks Aha and the Sunflowers. It took quite a while, but it did take.
🎶We knew our love could not pretend
Broken hearts can always mend🎶
But she admits that if A.J. hadn't been in the picture, she would still be playing ...toying... with me, because that's what she always thought love was back in those days. We're far too much alike in several ways, I got mean to protect myself, she got flirtatious for the same reason. Deep down we both care, so much, but letting that be said outright was nearly impossible due to not being able to trust our families. We were broken down by them as a means to control us, but in breaking us down they didn't see just how much we would both shine so brilliantly. I have met others like that, there are far more of us than anyone really thinks there are. And Tammi has not only met some, but fostered a few, too. The dangerous angel with the moonbeam smile and shadowed mask she hides behind, only allowing her full face to be seen in all its wondrously terrifying beauty to a select few that she knows will either be driven mad with fear or can handle and revel in its brilliance.
🎶Callin' out your name I'm dreamin'
Reflections of a face I'm seein'
It's her voice
That keeps on haunting me🎶
This Golden Soul of a Sunflower is perfectly matched for my brother Aaron, the Gold Sun of our gang when we were young. She heals, protects, and shows such an astounding amount of that unconditional love that my Golden Angel does I see where it is in her personality that made me find myself drawn to the angel that ministered to me so easily and readily in my teens. Yes, they are both astounding women, and Tammi is one that I will always cherish being able to know as intimately and deeply as I did when we were young.
When I saw her and Aaron this morning, to have coffee and exchange small gifts, his eyes looked at me with a deep sadness as if to plead with me Don't hurt me little brother, don't steal this sacred blessing in my life away from me. And as I kissed her cheek and gave her the Purple Plum Sunflower that had been specially bred by Dave's mother surrounded by the Sterling Silver roses and tied with gold ribbon, the look in her eyes was full of a sad adoration that made the heart skip a beat for the moment of silence of the love that would never be fulfilled. Yes, I do still care about Tammi, I always will, and I love my brother Sun, Aaron. But that time is past, and we can look back with regret or see the beauty of the moment for what it was - a healing of spirits that needed to know they were not alone - so we might move forward more fulfilled while walking into a far greater love that is personal as it is for oneself. Whatever lays ahead, I know that she is loved and honored and cherished in a way that I would have never been able to give her if we had been together. And I prefer things as they are, for both their sakes. And I know that whatever is meant for me, it will be just as golden as I see their sweet relationship with one another, because if she felt I was worth being in a relationship with, and he felt I am worth calling a brother, then I'm worth my weight in gold.