🎶I dig till my shovel tells a secret, Swear to the earth that I will keep it.🎶
This one has to be a locked post, for good reason; it's tough to get it out and it's hard to know just how people would respond, and who would fly off the handle. But it has to be told about, finally. I hope that it's read through and considered what might be said by those potentially still reading my words before any response. It's far too much pain to keep holding in the depths of my spirit. It could well be the real reason I wanted to end my life, and why Vighn chose to sacrifice himself for me by taking that bullet instead of continuing to run. And this is going to FUCKING hurt REALLY bad!
🎶Brush off the dirt
And let my change of heart occur🎶
I brought up something with some of the Suns the other day, a subject that one of our group members had decided we all had to keep secret, a particular person, a friend of ours, and he tried to shut me down. This morning, he was checked into a mental health facility, because I said we couldn't keep burying it. It was destroying us in little ways and was what has been one of the main catalysts for me becoming so viciously violent against others and so dependent upon the Suns as my main safety net. But I don't feel safe anymore with them, and more of them do feel safe with me. It's time to change, it's time to let things out; and it's not like the one who instigated the situation is with us anymore, anyway, he passed due to an aneurism some years ago before I returned. Wei had always felt it was wrong, and so did Dave, but went along with the vow of silence anyway. I know they'd had misgivings, regrets, and got more stern - more serious - because of keeping that secret. That bothers me too much today, and I hate seeing sorrow in the eyes of my Brother Suns so it's past time it was brought into the open.
Paul Marene rarely offered anything bigger than a small smile, but he had a lot of reasons to be sad, too. And when the Suns found out about his sorrow, all of us made sure this little orphan on the streets was safe with us.
We had a gentle Blue Sun among our numbers who was a quieter often sad boy, but he hid a lot of secrets and a deeply buried monster. I'm always angry but this boy was a true demon unleashed when he was attacked. Paul Marene was what some of our gang called a two-spirit, even when he was as young as 4 years old, he admitted to a select few of us when he found a boy or man attractive. While those like Wei and Dave would mention that it wasn't smart to say such things openly, Fred and Paul would go off to play now and then and talk (or be seen kissing one another) and there would have to be some beat downs on people who couldn't leave them alone, and Val would have words with her cousin Troy when he would witness it. But that was also when Paul's demon would surface and he was even more dangerous than me or Tua, more so than Dave or Wei, or any of our Sunflowers that could kick ass and take names. This boy would literally rip ears off or poke out eyes of those he was fighting. But he was another that loved running with me and Vighn, and made sure Joy and A.J. were also protected, as well as others among our group.
Paul had been abandoned by his mother at the age of 4, when he tore the testicles off her lover for shooting his father who had attacked the man in a jealous rage, as his dad was bringing him back home from a community street fair. He taught me, A.J. and some of the others how to survive out there, since he had learned that from his parents who were vagrant migrant workers who were always doing odd jobs for cash to get what was needed. We had all heard about the shooting and were always cautioned to be careful because they never found the man who did it. They didn't know that he was the mutilated fool found naked in a back alley that some woman claimed had raped her as a way to get sympathetic attention. Paul knew, a couple of the other homeless people knew, and as I was doing my due diligence to keep the Suns turf safe and learn how to filter all the street gossip (fiction) and (from) news (fact), I learned of the truth too. I let my fellow suns know about this boy.
The more he hung out with we metal Suns and our constant companions, the more we found we liked and respected him. He was savvy and had a way to make the tasks of getting ourselves fed easier and more fun than we had previously found it to be. There were a couple of times he got mean, someone chasing us had grabbed him as he pushed us ahead, and he would claw at their faces, pull at ears so there was blood and horrible shrieking. We kept the girls running and would look back to see him wiping the blood off his hands, once throwing an ear into a storm drain. It made Vighn cuss in about four different Asian dialects seeing that, and I could hear T.J. ahead of us retching and keeping the younger girls running. When she and I looked at one another later, neither said a word but just had a mutual knowing look for the other. We kept it quiet, we were only trying to survive, and we knew that some who do that become more animalistic, Paul was one of those types.
We had one time when Paul snitched though, told a shopkeeper that it was Troy that broke a window and took the hunting knife he'd wanted that had been on display when he was offered money to get a meal and new jacket for the cooler weather that was around the corner. While what Troy did wasn't honorable; it was common enough to happen for gangs to do, and he was from elsewhere, not in the know of our ways. The plan was to talk to him and if needed beat the hell out of him as a group and take the knife back along with funds for restitution to one of our own neighborhood members. Since Paul did that, though, Troy was taken into custody, we were watched through the rest of that summer. Only a select few of us would talk to Paul still. And Vighn and I helped him start to get ready to make his way to another city where people didn't know him, he could start over and find other kids like me and the girls who he could band together with and feel safer. The problem was that Troy had gotten the sentence reduced; he wasn't in Juvie. And with probation and fines, he was released to his guardian's custody, which was Valestra's parents. The A'Doung family weren't really the type to keep an eye on much more than their business holdings, though, so he went after Paul.
Troy found him before we could warn our friend, and while Paul was vicious, he was untrained. Troy got a number of scratches, a nice limp for a number of months, but poor Paul had been struck with Dragon Form Kung Fu, some of the most lethal hits to his torso and head. It was the only time any of them had ever seen their Copper and Silver Suns fight one of our own members, as both Vighn and I laid into Troy with everything we had. When I finally knocked him to the ground, Vighn pounced on top of him and just started whaling on his face with fists that were soon bloody until Troy relented. Looking back to see how our friend was, it was easy to see it was too late for Paul. He was on the ground, barely breathing, bleeding profusely so that none of the girls could stop it. We stood or knelt around him, Vighn and I hugged him as gently as possible, Fred kissed his forehead. Not one of us could help crying. As one of beat cops came up, Tua told a hell of a lie about Troy driving off a couple of Vice Lords who had been trying to shake down this poor little kid. Just so his friend - Val's cousin - didn't go to jail. But before the ambulance got there, it was too late. Paul Marene's last breath had left his body, and his eyes were vacant and dark. Vighn and I argued with Tua for months, when Troy finally left most of us were glad. Maybe that was the start of my silence, feeling intimidated, when Tua pushed secrecy on me and my best friend. No better than my father, my mother or their family - but was it me or Tua who I was... who I AM... more angry at for that?
Fuck him! I'm not going to hide it anymore. And I don't care who knows. Troy was a fucking trainwreck, before he came to the Suns, during and was even worse afterward. And Tua was no better than his fucking father, let him find atonement and absolution if he can, if not he's finally where he needs to be. And as for me, I'm done keeping secrets. I'm not locking this post after all. Fuck them! I have a reputation, yes, and I love those who were Keen Suns and Sunflowers at a time when I was. But I'm not one anymore, and I'm glad I'm not. I'm me. I'm breaking the damned mold that others keep trying to stuff me in. If they can't accept me for who I am, how I am right now, they don't deserve to be a part of my life. It's time this silver soul rid itself of the impurities of the past once and for all.