🎶Hello, it's me. I've thought about us for a long, long time; Maybe I think too much...🎶
This week has been a lot of ups and downs to the point of feeling like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I got to visit with the former aunt, treated to a nice lunch that allowed her to try out one of the local restaurants I really like. She found she loved it, too. She's amazed at the similarities of our tastes in food, music, artistic style and interior design, a lot of things really. But I always enjoyed her sense of aesthetics, gothic elegance meets cozy autumn woodland cabin kind of style, with a touch of heavy-metal punk/biker and a dash of Noir/Nouveau gangland/mob speakeasy edging added to the mix. We didn't go dancing, but I did get to do that with my Golden Angel one evening, as a way to speak about difficult topics without either of us getting too down or upset.
Years ago, I had a crush on this very sweet girl who showed me - showed everyone - kindness, unconditional love and acceptance. This is one of my older pictures (1985) to let my feelings out in a way I thought I could, without letting her know the troubled version of me, not realizing just how much she would eventually heal my very spirit.
🎶...but something's wrong
There's something here, doesn't last too long
Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine🎶
She liked how we did that, and it got her to realize that we do still have a lot of fun together and share similar interests, tastes and even have feelings for one another after all this time; but we're not acting on it and aren't really going to press or walk away either. We're drifting along like leaves blowing on the wind, and that way she doesn't get her anxiety up feeling pressed or pressured if I complement her, and I don't feel that sense of remorse at what might have been. I love her, she loves me, and we're good for one another in that we continue to share things happening in our lives and our souls actively speak to one another letting each other know just what we need to hear, understand and learn.
🎶It's important to me
That you know you are free
'Cause I never want to make you change for me🎶
The Firework and I also shared a moment as we discussed an old school friend who passed just a few days ago. It hurt a bit to find this particular person left this realm, she was sweet and friends with literally everyone from our high school back in the day; her father had been the vice-principal at the time, though so it stands to reason. This girl got me back in touch with a few old friends after I had returned here. I hadn't known she was suffering with her health as well, as she was always a bit more private about her own life but loved to share in the lives and accomplishments of others. As she had been undergoing surgery when she died, that hit hard and had my Muse a bit concerned. We shared a few anecdotes and spoke about our own current lives and the people sharing time in it. That seemed to help a bit, though she was still worried for me. I let her know how much I love and respect her and am glad we've reconnected. I had let them all know, the Suns and Sunflowers too.
🎶Think of me
You know that I'd be with you if I could
I'll come around to see you once in a while
Or if I ever need a reason to smile🎶
When we went to Illumifest, I found myself wishing I could spend even more time with this endearing woman. Being around Rahni shows me just how much I'd missed the ties to my past that were filled with care, joy, compassion and a sense of playful mischief that let the anger, hurt and sense of worthlessness slip away like drops of rain that cleanse my spirit. She illuminates the best parts of my childhood with our discussions and tender care for one another's feelings, experiences and beliefs. And holding her as we dance or walk through town simply heightens my understanding of what she gives to me, too.
With all the doctors' appointments and paperwork needing to be done for this next year's assistance needs and licensing and all the other rigamarole bullshit that has to be gone through by those that need medical help, and those that will be providing it, none of the Suns and Sunflowers had the chance to meet up yet, and we won't be able to until next week. We're hoping the weather holds so we can do Tai Chi out in a wide space instead of a cramped room of the local library or community center. Rahni was a little whiny at not getting the chance to see me before my surgery today and won't be able to see me until Friday afternoon.
I couldn't help but smile and gently tease her a bit, reminding her that time apart means a more intense connection when we're together again. And at least she can be happy that I'm still among the living, and still doing well enough that I don't have to have bands put back on the varices veins - nor do I have to have another endoscopy until next year, and colonoscopy for another 5 years - and I will know within a week where my healing of the liver is on the MELD scale, but with that, things are looking very good that I continue to improve. That did make her happier, and Joy (heard in the background of the call) gave a whoop of elation at my news. I will strive to continue to improve, work on teaching people how to be more positive, avoid oversharing and overthinking, but encourage them to think and speak well of themselves and others in their lives... including me.