🎶I am here still waiting, Though I still have my doubts; I am damaged at best🎶
🎶Like you've already figured out.🎶
A group of friends arrived for dinner. We ended up eating a little late, due to one of them pulling the "I didn't know what to wear" line. I had said, "Come as you are, we do casual here really easily." Still, she wore a semi-formal top and slacks. I just smiled with a shake of my head when I saw her, it was so typical of her to do that; even in our teens she was over-dressed, trying to be the life of the party, but also always being the polite company by bringing something. Tonight, it was a bottle of wine... "Whoops, I forgot you can't imbibe!" It was okay, the rest of them got to enjoy the blueberry notes that poured from the bottle, and I knew it wouldn't be bad with the dinner I'd made for the small group.
We chatted, there were toasts made, some light, pleasant discussion between us. A couple of them bowed out early as they merely wished to sample my cooking and get in a few more visits while they were in from the coast. We said our farewells and "safe travels" to them, and then sat to share a bit of sherbet and coffee for afterward. A little more banter, and something that had been mentioned during the meal by one of the couple that had left was brought up. "Is your Muse K*****?" I gave a slight smile and shook my head no. "Well, who is it, then?" Another asked. I merely smiled and replied, "I've mentioned it before on the Book of Faces, after I let her know; if she decides to bring it up, she will, but I'm not going to embarrass her any further. She is someone we knew from school days, so you're in the right ballpark though you probably didn't see the mentions of her I had made."
🎶The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead🎶
None of the three of them knew who I was talking about, that lovely Chrysanthemum Firework is as elusive as the Silver Sun, it would seem. As they were making guesses, talking about different girls from junior high and high school and telling one anecdote or another, one of them stumbled on the answer but they still didn't get it, though I almost broke as another deep memory surfaced. One had mentioned Ms. K, and another also mentioned my Muse in his story, the third told a story about me and my Angel in a discussion one day. My eyes teared up slightly, and I took care of clearing away the dessert dishes and cups, taking a moment to quickly compose myself again before returning to the discussion. Thankfully, it shifted to the topic of hot cars and bands of our youth, how they liked the Nova SS, and my Opel Manta too. One of the group's Charger, and another's Corvette were talked about at length, as well. It was a nice visit, and they've just left a few moments ago now. So I sit to write this, and get my bitter-sweet memories out in the one place I am able.
🎶And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose
They're still looking for life.🎶
It was early Spring, days were growing warmer but still light jacket weather, and we would find ourselves meeting at the Dark Star or Bowling Alley, sometimes another spot where there was a favored eatery or place to pick up munchies before heading out to someone's place for lazy afternoon activities. I was finally getting the opportunity to be out and about, step-brother wasn't being a total asshole since I had saved his sorry ass from a couple of beatings (I ended up taking one for him, biting off more than I could chew, but it taught me a few things so I considered it experience like Wei would have told me to do.) and that meant I was able to go further from the house, and stay out later, since the parental types didn't figure I'd hook up with any of my old gang members with the basement dwelling mouth-breather in tow. I still got to do a few fights, and he split the winning bets with me, while the loss or draws meant I would end up owing him. Fuck it, I didn't care, it made sure the car was gassed up and running smoothly so we could get out all the sooner.
It was a cooler afternoon, coming on evening, and there was a school football game that night a bunch of us were planning to attend for the hell of it. Meeting a few punks under the bleachers was a possibility, but so was the potential of scoring a kiss (or more) with a favorite cutie, so a group of us guys were looking forward to it. My Muse was in on some of the discussion, along with other girls who were present in this group, and someone mentioned how they wanted to take her for a wild ride
Please don't take my beautiful Muse from me, I need her comforting embrace that lets me know I am safe and worthy of love. I need her.
out by one of the nearby lakes instead. I remember that everyone there thought I was joking, but the week had been hell already and I'd barely had the opportunity to go share in this activity - and suffered a pretty intense beating and a couple of other small injuries from the old man - and she had been helping me feel like things were finally starting to go just right. I hugged her at that moment, and said, "No, don't take her... I need her!" It got them laughing, and she giggled; which made me smile so they thought I was joking around. There was some gentle teasing, and a couple more veiled remarks were made from one of the guys who also found her to be the one he liked too.
🎶I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (in the pain)
Is there healing
In your name (in your name)
I find meaning🎶
Later, I found myself roaming around the area of the bleachers alone. I sat at the edge of one of them, gazing around, wishing for a moment to be able to merely tell her how much she meant, how special she really was to me and what she always offered even in minute ways with a caress or smile. It was that night, looking at the moonlight rather than the floodlights directed to the field, I understood that there would be times I would be left by myself no matter what I might wish or attempt to do. We all come to know that we need to find comfort from within. She was - is - my Muse; she gave me so much inspiration, and still does, but she's not my girlfriend (and never really was) though I might wish otherwise. There would be times I would need to shift my focus, not to the finger pointing to the moon but to the Heavenly Glory that is the light - the spark that ignites my boldness and passion once more - that she has always encouraged in my spirit and still does; so I know when I end up alone to look deeper within myself and I will find that light. She may not be right here like I wish, but she remains in my heart, my beautiful Muse, and I love her... always.
🎶I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be OK🎶
I find my thoughts ruminating on this small moment of time, wishing I could hug her to me again, bury my face against the nape of her neck as the scent and feel of her hair fills my senses. I long to finally allow her to understand just what she means, what she does for me even now. I understand she has to work, that there are others in her life who are important to her too. So I gaze out at the skyline, to the clouds or the moonlight, and whisper a prayer that she remains safe, that she feels loved and is able to laugh, because even if I can't find comfort in her precious smile and beautiful spirit, I know someone else is being offered such kindness by a vibrant soul lead by the Divine to another in need of her sweetness.
🎶The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home🎶