🎶I've seen fire and I've seen rain; I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end...🎶
I find myself listening to older songs of my youth that draws up some of the best memories, but also some of the most poignantly heart wrenching ones, too. As some of the best and most silver-lined memories, it makes it all worthwhile. And with that, I am elated, since I found out one of my dear soul-family will be able to return home once her physical therapy is completed and getting used to new wheels of the chair and rollator she'll be alternating between has occurred. Another was recognized by the community for his astute observations and bringing a couple of criminals to justice, and the city gave him a small accolade too. Another found some more of my old artwork, pieces that bring up some of the best memories with my Silver Blossom as well as other Suns and Sunflowers, and seeing those has even lead to more memories with that wonderful healing force that was my Dancing Damselfly, that has also left this world far too soon. From there, I was thinking about the most endearing Chrysanthemum Firework, my dear Muse, who had been a sweet sheltering soul twice in my life now; and I realize how special she really is to me, how much she helps me even in the smallest ways, and am grateful for her presence once again.
🎶...I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought I'd see you one more time again.🎶
AJ, my sweet Silver Blossom, was so dear to me. She helped me so much through so many dark moments. She was there just after I was abused and abandoned by my parents, when I was taken to Aha Tae to have my arm mended and make sure I was looked after so I wouldn't develop a fever (particularly in the broken bone) and helped entertain me and wiped my tears at that time when I was so fucking angry and scared. And she was suffering silently, but was there for me, just as uncertain
That beautiful Silver Blossom I grew up with held a very special place in my life, and my heart, though I didn't quite understand how our relationship would be so long lasting. There is what feels like an empty place in my life, but in my heart it is filled with love we shared even at such a young age.
and scared herself. Our friendship only got deeper as we continued to grow up together, singing, dancing, playing whenever we could, but definitely surviving with and for each other. Yes, she was the first one who held my heart, though I didn't understand love in any real sense of the word. I'd been betrayed by those who kept using the phrase "I love you", and she had said it a couple of times, but I thought it was because she wanted something in particular, something I didn't know how to get for her except to betray my own convictions - to do business with drug dealers, to steal from them or from a liquor store - I'd had biological relatives who were drunks and druggies, they always hurt me when they would partake of those substances, so I would never get that for her or the others. I had no clue that wasn't what she meant, that she wasn't expecting anything more than just a reciprocation of emotion and sensation. A couple of her own writings, in the care of this family member that found my art, shows how much A.J. really cared. Perhaps, I can hope, the hugs I gave her when she said that she loved me were enough to help her know the feelings I didn't understand how to speak. Resting by the campfire after a fish dinner from the Raccoon River or one of the nearby lakes while watching stars as we faded into sleep in one another's arms, her warmth helped sustain me as much as mine did for her; and her comforting touch and words would channel my ire and pain. But when she was gone from my life, and then this world, I felt so lost; there are still times I am just as aimless to wander until I am offered a beautiful, colorful explosion from the one who occasionally keeps me company now.
🎶Been walking my mind to an easy time,
my back turned towards the sun;
Lord knows when the cold wind blows,
it'll turn your head around🎶
That darling Dancing Damselfly had a way that showed me playfulness and the most gentle or passionate relief of being able to let out my emotions. Yes, she still holds a special place in my heart, her spirit mended parts of my soul I didn't realize were as damaged as they were, and this is why I will always love her.
I continue to get out, wandering the walking trails, the old neighborhood that the Dancing Damselfly never knew personally but had heard so much about. She helped heal me of my trauma from abuse, if not abandonment, and gave me coping mechanisms that were positive, uplifting and beneficial and continue to help me today. She was genuine, loving and a true companion to my soul that helped make life better instead of bitter. I find myself, even these days, utilizing those lessons as I get out to dance with others, since she cannot be here with me, to lift my spirits when I would otherwise wither with the verbal onslaught and continual gas-lighting or attempts at manipulation I receive in this place. Yes, I find myself noting comparisons between the beloved Silver Blossom and the endearing Dancing Damselfly, not just in physical appearance, but in their personality and even mannerisms of how and where they would place their hands, encircle their arms around or caress me. And I also recall days in my teens when that lovely Muse would do the same on rare occasions, which makes me smile and long to share such moments with her again.
That beloved Muse presents kindness and care like when we were young, giving me the opportunity to share ideas, discussion and offer laughs that help see me through dark thoughts or harsh words and deeds that cast shadows or cut into the depths of my heart. That sweet, subtle undercurrent of calming, loving energy she's always given as beautiful as her demure, lovely smile.
🎶Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend;
but I always thought that I'd see you baby, one more time again, now.🎶
When I was in junior high, that wonderful Chrysanthemum Firework presented me with ways to light the fuse that brought out my own color and deeply thunderous sound, helping in a way that allowed me to continue to explode so my spirit wouldn't fizzle out and die, reveling in the moments my own bright pigments could light the darkness around us with her broad, beautiful grin and brightly shining eyes! She sheltered me, she encouraged me, she inspired me in so many ways back then. And seeing her playful banter, sharing in the sweet, tender moments or the bright displays of joy and fun with her - now like then - does the same for me again. I can't help but love her for the way she treats me. She's sweet, sexy, sassy, vibrant and exactly like those I'm used to being around, as I reconnect with and remember the Sunflowers I grew up with. I admit that I do have a type of woman that I fall for. Personality-wise, my Muse is one of those women; and physically, with her beautiful flowing blonde locks of hair that sweep and drift elegantly down her shoulders and back, grace her brow, encircle the crown of her head and frame that beautiful face I see the similarities to woman (and girls) of the past that I have fallen for too. Her soft eyes shining with mischief or the most caring look, her button nose that holds it's own cute character, those dusky lips that tantalize as easily as the subtle dimples and lines hiding that secret kiss, which those who love or desire her always attempt to steal as they give her a peck or gentle rub of cheek to cheek when cuddling against her gracefully curved form. Yes, she is one I've always noted such beauty of, akin to the others I've found appealing in such ways, and longed to be one holding (and held by) her since my first days of knowing her.
🎶Thought I'd see you one more time again.
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now.
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you, fire and rain, now.🎶
I find myself longing to spend more time with her, hearing her voice relaxing me as easily as a summer rain-shower. Or getting lost in those beautiful eyes as endless as the day lit skies and at the same time full of mysteries as wondrous as the ocean's depths. Feeling that soothing, soft caress of her delicate fingers in the same way as my past loves - as if instinctively her soul could tell when embracing mine - knowing so intimately how to touch me. But is she interested? In some ways, it seems as if she is, and others - by what she says openly - it makes me wonder. She's so genuine, and showing her pain from a relationship that sounds like she didn't wish had ended; and I can totally relate to that, though there's no way for me to reestablish one with either of my previous ladies who held my heart as readily as their arms encircled me. I've seen fire with A.J. and I've seen rain with Dana; I long for the sunny days that I can wish will never end, if I am fortunate, that will be with my Muse.