Drowning in a sea of self-pity.
I'm having one of those middle of the night panic attack crying fit things, oh joy. List of things that are stressing me out:
1. My thesis. Self-explanatory, really.
2. My body. I keep having all these weird pains and stomach problems and my menstrual cycle and sleep cycle have both gone weird and basically it's betraying me. Also, I really should start eating on a regular schedule, and real food.
3. My family. I always worry about my baby sister. And I worry about my mom too, who's working a heck of a lot and having trouble selling the house and stuff. I keep having nightmares. And father's day is coming up, which always brings out my daddy issues and turns me into a weeping ball of emo. I haven't spoken to my father in months, and I don't think he's initiated any kind of contact in over a year.
4. Ex-boyfriend is coming to visit next week since he's in the province looking for housing for law school anyway. At the time I thought it was a good idea, but now I'm having my doubts. I doesn't seem like the smart thing to do to see gim. Not because I think it will change anything for me in terms of my decisions, but just because it will be awkward and uncomfortable and probably painful.
The thing is, I miss him. And I'm not supposed to, anymore. So not only do I feel lonely, I then feel guilty about it.
5a. Fandom - Writing. I'm pretty sure my fanfic is getting worse. I haven't felt really good about anything I've written since the femmeslash big bang, and that includes Safest Place to Hide, which I keep having the urge to delete. I'm just having the worst kind of writer's block for months now, so every word is a challenge to get on the page, even if I have ideas. As a result everything feels really stilted and nothing flows at all and it comes out all wrong. And that sucks, because it was nice to feel like I was producing something for fandom for once, instead of just consuming.
5b. The Cas Problem - So after the finale I was pretty positive about the whole Godstiel thing because a) I thought there was room for lots of juicy redemption next season and b) there was lots of fic potential. But neither of those things seems to be working out.
I don't make a fuss about it because it won't make a difference and because talking about it usually only makes me feel worse, but I am super worried and super upset by all these little to no Misha next season rumours. I hate that they planned to kill him in S6, and I hate hate hate that no one's spoken to Misha yet about S7, apparently. And I don't blame any one person because IMO it's pretty clear they make group decisions on this show, but that almost makes it worse because how could all these people fuck something up so royally?
And all this "good, I'm so sick of angels!" crap just pisses me the fuck off whenever I see it now, sorry. Cas has been around for over half the lifetime of the show now, and to dismiss that as unimportant or worse, to make fun of people for caring, is both illogical and rude. He's a vital part of the show for some people, certainly for me. I get attached to characters and there are a lot of really excellent reasons to love this one. I'll still watch the show if Misha's gone, but I can't say I'll be pleased about it, or that if his exit is super shitty writing it won't taint the way I see the show forever. And if that makes me uncool, so be it.
(And like, obviously I'm overinvested or identifying too strongly or abandonment issues are activating or something, because this shouldn't be such a big deal. But it is. And fandom has always been a way of working through complicated feelings for me and I just really don't want to lose him, okay?)
And also, I still can't fucking write Godstiel at fucking all! Whenever I try he goes back to the way he was immediately - adorable, socially inept, basically harmless - and either apologizes and gives up the powers, or is a benign, totally gentle ruler who leaves pie outside of motel rooms until Sam and Dean are his friends again.
I want to be able to write dark!Cas, but so much of what that means eliminates any possibility of redemption for him, and because it seems likely the show is going there, that just doesn't seem like a fun option anymore. Like, I actually can't do it. I like angst, but only to a point and this crosses it. And I can't seem to find any middle ground between these two scenarios to play with. And no being able to write Cas post-S6 is fucking up my ability to write Dean, which is fucking up my ability to write Sam.
I think I may take a short break from fandom, actually. All the not knowing has me on edge all the time, and fandom is wanky as all heck, and we won't really get any real information for awhile plus even reading fic just isn't fun for me lately I'm so anxious and blocked myself. I used to listen to podfic to put me to sleep at night, and I can't do it anymore.
6. The news. People are so stupid so much of the time!
7. How I will never fall in love and have a functional relationship. Ever. Because of my disability, and my social anxiety, and the way I can't drink or dance or talk to strangers. FOREVER ALONE.
8. I keep wanting things I can't have, and then having really vivid dreams about them and waking up with an unshakable melancholy that makes me feel icky all day.
SO THAT WAS CHEERFUL. Maybe it's out of my system now, and tomorrow I'll make a list of cheerful resolutions to solve all of these problems?