Re: FILLED: I wear my love without shame (Dean/Cas, Balthazar), PG13, 2/?janie_tangerineJune 26 2011, 14:30:06 UTC
--
He thinks about it. He can’t go and propose, of course, because he can’t drag Cas into it until Balthazar gives him the stupid green light. Being nicer won’t cut it either - he already made enough efforts and being extra nice would just make everyone think there’s something wrong with him. Heck, he makes enough effort on a regular basis and he’s pretty sure that Cas will start exorcising him if Dean starts buying him flowers. Which doesn’t mean anything anyway - that’s not what proves that you’re serious. For the next month nothing changes as he still thinks about any gesture grand enough - when Cas drops by (and he drops by a lot more often) he listens to every rant he has about dealing with Raphael’s former followers, he doesn’t complain when Cas gets strawberry milkshakes at diners, he makes sure not to take anything for granted.
Every time Balthazar pops up he says that they’re sickeningly adorable, but he needs a real proof.
“It’s not that I want to cockblock you,” Balthazar explains after two months. “It’s just that - okay. Before I start talking, don’t freak out when I talk about bonds, all right?”
“All right,” Dean agrees.
“See, when Cassie there brought you out of Hell, he knitted your soul up with his grace. That’s why he says that you two have a profound bond - shit, he can get cheesy. Anyway, you marrying him won’t change anything and it’s not like we have ceremonies or marriages - there’s a reason why if one wants to see how good it feels to have sex, they fall. But mentally - you know he loves you.”
No question about that.
“If you ask him to spend the rest of eternity with you, many ridiculous things will happen. Of the grace-screaming-in-joy kind and really, I’m feeling secondhand embarrassment just saying it out loud. Because we’re only meant to love God, and if that ends up projected on someone else, well. What I mean is that if you ask and he says yes, and then it goes to hell and you two split up, he’ll be devastated. In the sense of wasting-away-forever and possibly the going insane kind of devastated. Tying the knot isn’t exactly a metaphor in this sense. It also means a lot of nice things - like, when you die he could get into your Heaven and not just as a memory - but the second your stupid profound bond gets metaphorically sealed, that’s it. You realize why I want to be extra sure about this?”
Dean can’t say anything to that. “Yeah. But - if it means anything, I’m not freaked out.”
“Well, that’s a good thing,” Balthazar replies before vanishing.
--
Then one day Dean is sitting on Bobby’s couch trying to figure it out, and Cas materializes out of thin air with a gash running all over his side and a faint glow coming out from his chest.
Oh fuck, Dean thinks as he almost trips while running to where Cas is.
He takes off his jacket, pushes it over the wound - there’s freaking grace leaking out and blood on the floor and Cas’s suit is ruined - it doesn’t look just bad, it looks hopeless.
“What happened?”
“One…” Cas tries, shaking his head, his voice hoarse.
“One of Raphael’s former stupid goons,” Balthazar says appearing out of thin air too, an angel blade dripping blood in his hand. “It was an ambush. One would’ve figured that time was over. Anyway, it was ten of them. He killed eight. Then the idiot called me. Just when they pretty much gutted him.”
Cas coughs blood on Dean’s shirt and Dean feels dread taking hold of him. Not now. It can’t happen now. Not when they finally were okay with each other, not when Cas still needs a pop culture education, not when Dean still hasn’t asked, not when there are so many things they still haven’t done. Not when Cas seemed to have gotten at least some sort of peace for the first time in the last four years.
“Is there a way…” Dean starts, and Balthazar drops to his knees on the floor.
“He should touch your soul. But when he did it with your friend, it wasn’t half as bad as this.”
“Okay,” Dean says without even thinking about it.
“What -”
“Listen, just make him do it. I don’t give a shit - he can’t die.”
He thinks about it. He can’t go and propose, of course, because he can’t drag Cas into it until Balthazar gives him the stupid green light. Being nicer won’t cut it either - he already made enough efforts and being extra nice would just make everyone think there’s something wrong with him. Heck, he makes enough effort on a regular basis and he’s pretty sure that Cas will start exorcising him if Dean starts buying him flowers. Which doesn’t mean anything anyway - that’s not what proves that you’re serious. For the next month nothing changes as he still thinks about any gesture grand enough - when Cas drops by (and he drops by a lot more often) he listens to every rant he has about dealing with Raphael’s former followers, he doesn’t complain when Cas gets strawberry milkshakes at diners, he makes sure not to take anything for granted.
Every time Balthazar pops up he says that they’re sickeningly adorable, but he needs a real proof.
“It’s not that I want to cockblock you,” Balthazar explains after two months. “It’s just that - okay. Before I start talking, don’t freak out when I talk about bonds, all right?”
“All right,” Dean agrees.
“See, when Cassie there brought you out of Hell, he knitted your soul up with his grace. That’s why he says that you two have a profound bond - shit, he can get cheesy. Anyway, you marrying him won’t change anything and it’s not like we have ceremonies or marriages - there’s a reason why if one wants to see how good it feels to have sex, they fall. But mentally - you know he loves you.”
No question about that.
“If you ask him to spend the rest of eternity with you, many ridiculous things will happen. Of the grace-screaming-in-joy kind and really, I’m feeling secondhand embarrassment just saying it out loud. Because we’re only meant to love God, and if that ends up projected on someone else, well. What I mean is that if you ask and he says yes, and then it goes to hell and you two split up, he’ll be devastated. In the sense of wasting-away-forever and possibly the going insane kind of devastated. Tying the knot isn’t exactly a metaphor in this sense. It also means a lot of nice things - like, when you die he could get into your Heaven and not just as a memory - but the second your stupid profound bond gets metaphorically sealed, that’s it. You realize why I want to be extra sure about this?”
Dean can’t say anything to that. “Yeah. But - if it means anything, I’m not freaked out.”
“Well, that’s a good thing,” Balthazar replies before vanishing.
--
Then one day Dean is sitting on Bobby’s couch trying to figure it out, and Cas materializes out of thin air with a gash running all over his side and a faint glow coming out from his chest.
Oh fuck, Dean thinks as he almost trips while running to where Cas is.
He takes off his jacket, pushes it over the wound - there’s freaking grace leaking out and blood on the floor and Cas’s suit is ruined - it doesn’t look just bad, it looks hopeless.
“What happened?”
“One…” Cas tries, shaking his head, his voice hoarse.
“One of Raphael’s former stupid goons,” Balthazar says appearing out of thin air too, an angel blade dripping blood in his hand. “It was an ambush. One would’ve figured that time was over. Anyway, it was ten of them. He killed eight. Then the idiot called me. Just when they pretty much gutted him.”
Cas coughs blood on Dean’s shirt and Dean feels dread taking hold of him. Not now. It can’t happen now. Not when they finally were okay with each other, not when Cas still needs a pop culture education, not when Dean still hasn’t asked, not when there are so many things they still haven’t done. Not when Cas seemed to have gotten at least some sort of peace for the first time in the last four years.
“Is there a way…” Dean starts, and Balthazar drops to his knees on the floor.
“He should touch your soul. But when he did it with your friend, it wasn’t half as bad as this.”
“Okay,” Dean says without even thinking about it.
“What -”
“Listen, just make him do it. I don’t give a shit - he can’t die.”
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