Tired.
I haven't felt the need to post here in two years. Imagine that.
I used to write new things here every other day, sometimes more than once a day. Two years. Seems like a long time to just hush up.
Dan and I broke up 3 days before Thanksgiving. He pulled a crazy. Cops showed up, the whole she-bang.
And you know what? I miss him like fucking mad. I stayed in bed pretty much all day the past 3 days because I feel so broken and defeated. Barely sleeping. Barely eating. Barely living. And for what? For a guy who is too SCARED of his destructive side to fix things, but too PROUD to go get help? Maybe it's not pride. I don't know what it is. But the idea of even just talking to someone, it doesn't go over well with him. So he doesn't want us to get back together. Because he's afraid of what will happen next time.
Guess what, asshole?! I've had that fear every single fucking time we fought over the past 4 years. And this last time? It was not nearly as bad as it HAS gotten. But go ahead, run. Run far far away. Don't look back. Don't ever. Because I have poured my heart into us. Because I fought through my fear for 4 fucking years. But you can't. You want us to remain friends.
I don't think so. Because I fucking love you. And I would not be able to stand there and watch you hold another person, someone who isn't me. I would not be able to be happy for you without being the most miserable person alive. And you keep saying you want me to be happy. I can be happy with you. But I cannot be happy as just friends with you. That doesn't work, and it's not fair of you to expect that from me. The minute I flirt with, or go on a date with, anyone who isn't you, you'll react the same way Pat did. Protective, angry, and hurt. Even though he didn't want me. He didn't want anyone else to have me either. You'll do the same fucking thing. And so will I.
Because love doesn't just end. And it would break my heart every single day, every moment. To be around you and not WITH you.
And if that's what it comes to? The only way I know of to make it stop hurting is to hate you. Hate you for doing this, hate you for not being brave enough, hate you for not loving me enough, hate you for giving up. Hate might not be stronger than love, but it's a lot easier to deal with, a lot easier to go on living my life if I hate you than if I kept you in my heart.
Of course I'll always love you. Right? That doesn't just go away. But it will hurt and I'll be damned if I admit it.
Take your space. Take your time. But goddammit, come back to me. Fix yourself so we can be okay again.
I don't know how to live on this Earth without you.
Please don't make me.
I used to write new things here every other day, sometimes more than once a day. Two years. Seems like a long time to just hush up.
Dan and I broke up 3 days before Thanksgiving. He pulled a crazy. Cops showed up, the whole she-bang.
And you know what? I miss him like fucking mad. I stayed in bed pretty much all day the past 3 days because I feel so broken and defeated. Barely sleeping. Barely eating. Barely living. And for what? For a guy who is too SCARED of his destructive side to fix things, but too PROUD to go get help? Maybe it's not pride. I don't know what it is. But the idea of even just talking to someone, it doesn't go over well with him. So he doesn't want us to get back together. Because he's afraid of what will happen next time.
Guess what, asshole?! I've had that fear every single fucking time we fought over the past 4 years. And this last time? It was not nearly as bad as it HAS gotten. But go ahead, run. Run far far away. Don't look back. Don't ever. Because I have poured my heart into us. Because I fought through my fear for 4 fucking years. But you can't. You want us to remain friends.
I don't think so. Because I fucking love you. And I would not be able to stand there and watch you hold another person, someone who isn't me. I would not be able to be happy for you without being the most miserable person alive. And you keep saying you want me to be happy. I can be happy with you. But I cannot be happy as just friends with you. That doesn't work, and it's not fair of you to expect that from me. The minute I flirt with, or go on a date with, anyone who isn't you, you'll react the same way Pat did. Protective, angry, and hurt. Even though he didn't want me. He didn't want anyone else to have me either. You'll do the same fucking thing. And so will I.
Because love doesn't just end. And it would break my heart every single day, every moment. To be around you and not WITH you.
And if that's what it comes to? The only way I know of to make it stop hurting is to hate you. Hate you for doing this, hate you for not being brave enough, hate you for not loving me enough, hate you for giving up. Hate might not be stronger than love, but it's a lot easier to deal with, a lot easier to go on living my life if I hate you than if I kept you in my heart.
Of course I'll always love you. Right? That doesn't just go away. But it will hurt and I'll be damned if I admit it.
Take your space. Take your time. But goddammit, come back to me. Fix yourself so we can be okay again.
I don't know how to live on this Earth without you.
Please don't make me.