Life's Lessons
Because of my depression on Monday, I made a decision to visit a past fling when I visited friends and family in Fremont. I didn't tell Ben. Generally, he's pretty accepting of my decisions to spend time with the opposite sex. After all, he trusts me. However, I doubt he'd be okay with me seeing this former fling consider one of the flings occurred while I was dating him.
Perhaps I should back-track and give my motives for seeing this man. I mentioned it was due to my depression... I feel like the next step of my life is imminent - a teaching position, marriage. At the same time I have difficulty letting go of my past. I need to understand who I was and why I made the choices I did in order to move forward, to understand who I am now and who I want to be.
On Monday, I considered e-mailing the men who hurt me the most. The ones that I feel took an important piece of something from me. I wanted to ask them what they were thinking when they made the decision to use me.
This is what prompted me to text the man and arrange the meeting. I was so nervous about seeing him, afraid of what might happen, but I wanted some sort of closure.
We spent 3 or 4 hours talking about his job, about optometrists, my becoming a teacher. We talked about the last time we had seen each other. We talked about his relationships with married/taken women, how he is always the other guy. He doesn't feel guilty. I wonder if he wanted to be with these women, or if he just enjoyed the sex. I talked candidly about my fears of cheating, about my commitment to Ben.
It wasn't until the next day when I talked to Justin that I began to think about my feelings. Justin asked me what I got out of the relationship with this former fling. Nothing. It would be another relationship I would have to keep up. And I would have to sneak behind Ben's back to do it. So, what did I learn? What was so important that I had to see this fling?
Even though I've told myself that my past brought about my future (which is pretty darn wonderful despite my fears), it was nice hearing Justin say so also.
Does is matter what the men were thinking when they took that piece of me? Possibly, but what would it change? It wouldn't change what happened. I'd like to think that the men didn't know they were hurting me and would not have if they had known. Or that they too were pursuing love in all the wrong ways. Okay, so they're either good guys or villains. It wouldn't change my future.
I don't always enjoy sex. Never with the fling or the men, because that's not what I wanted from them. That's what I gave them, or let them have, in exchange for what I really wanted. I've decided that sex never represented love to me. Love is someone to kiss me, to hold me, to fall asleep next to.
I realized, sitting on the couch, talking, flirting, being the object of desire, how difficult it is to tell myself no. Justin pointed out, and I know it to be true, that when I begin to rationalize things this is the equivalent of a warning bell. When I'm without Ben, I still want to be held and kissed. Even though I love Ben and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I still want to kiss men when I'm in certain situations. I accept that I will always want to. That I need to take precautions when entering into situations that would elicit poor choices on my part.
Ultimately what I learned is this: Ben is worth it. I never want to hurt him or give him a reason to leave me. And I love him more than the air I breathe, the food I eat, or the blood that pumps through my veins. I would give my life for him, over an over.
Perhaps I should back-track and give my motives for seeing this man. I mentioned it was due to my depression... I feel like the next step of my life is imminent - a teaching position, marriage. At the same time I have difficulty letting go of my past. I need to understand who I was and why I made the choices I did in order to move forward, to understand who I am now and who I want to be.
On Monday, I considered e-mailing the men who hurt me the most. The ones that I feel took an important piece of something from me. I wanted to ask them what they were thinking when they made the decision to use me.
This is what prompted me to text the man and arrange the meeting. I was so nervous about seeing him, afraid of what might happen, but I wanted some sort of closure.
We spent 3 or 4 hours talking about his job, about optometrists, my becoming a teacher. We talked about the last time we had seen each other. We talked about his relationships with married/taken women, how he is always the other guy. He doesn't feel guilty. I wonder if he wanted to be with these women, or if he just enjoyed the sex. I talked candidly about my fears of cheating, about my commitment to Ben.
It wasn't until the next day when I talked to Justin that I began to think about my feelings. Justin asked me what I got out of the relationship with this former fling. Nothing. It would be another relationship I would have to keep up. And I would have to sneak behind Ben's back to do it. So, what did I learn? What was so important that I had to see this fling?
Even though I've told myself that my past brought about my future (which is pretty darn wonderful despite my fears), it was nice hearing Justin say so also.
Does is matter what the men were thinking when they took that piece of me? Possibly, but what would it change? It wouldn't change what happened. I'd like to think that the men didn't know they were hurting me and would not have if they had known. Or that they too were pursuing love in all the wrong ways. Okay, so they're either good guys or villains. It wouldn't change my future.
I don't always enjoy sex. Never with the fling or the men, because that's not what I wanted from them. That's what I gave them, or let them have, in exchange for what I really wanted. I've decided that sex never represented love to me. Love is someone to kiss me, to hold me, to fall asleep next to.
I realized, sitting on the couch, talking, flirting, being the object of desire, how difficult it is to tell myself no. Justin pointed out, and I know it to be true, that when I begin to rationalize things this is the equivalent of a warning bell. When I'm without Ben, I still want to be held and kissed. Even though I love Ben and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I still want to kiss men when I'm in certain situations. I accept that I will always want to. That I need to take precautions when entering into situations that would elicit poor choices on my part.
Ultimately what I learned is this: Ben is worth it. I never want to hurt him or give him a reason to leave me. And I love him more than the air I breathe, the food I eat, or the blood that pumps through my veins. I would give my life for him, over an over.