Yesterday's Depressing Thoughts
Yesterday, I spent the entire day inside and by myself. I should have gone to health TRAC to work out and be around people, but I didn't. Instead, I read a book.
The book, though it has a happy ending, made me depressed. Some of the events that occur in the book made me think about my past. Generally, thinking about my past is not a good idea. I try to tell myself that if my past had gone any differently, I would not (or may not) have ended up with Ben, who is in all manners and matters the right man for me.
However, I can't help but dwell on the choices I made as a teenager. When I'm in one of these moods, I'm convinced that I need to figure out why I made the choices I did so that I can save others from making the same mistakes.
I also feel like I won't truly know who I am until I've figured out that 13-22 year old part of me. My thoughts always come back to Larz, which is almost silly because he's not the first guy to take advantage.
I've always wondered if it was something I did or if it was some sort of combination of fear, weakness, and an unconscious allure, a sign that said, "easy prey". Perhaps it was at first and then I consciously or unconsciously began using this combination to attract men.
But it was never the right man. I wanted someone to hold me. I wanted to fill an empty part of my heart. Even when I found someone who fit, albeit, imperfectly, I kept searching for someone with a better fit. I was never happy with who I found.
Did I go around trying to find this person in the wrong manner? Or was that person simply not supposed to enter my life yet and I just used the waiting time poorly.
Was I really so confused as to think that sex would find me the person who fit perfectly in my heart? Most of the time I didn't want to have sex, but I felt obligated. Perhaps I believed that no one could fall in love with me for me...
I wish I knew what those men were thinking. What attracted those men to me? Were they as lost as I was? Trying to find the person who fit in their heart. Or did they only want sex?
Had I been more confident in myself... Had I acted differently... Had I been able to say no... Would my life have turned out differently? Would I be happier?
Sex should be reserved for people you love and who TRULY love you in return, not for people you want, or think you need, to love you.
Shell
She crawled into her bed, the only safe place she had ever known. Wrapped tight around her neck, her blankee comforted her. She smelled the familiar scents of her body odors mixed with dryer sheets. Chased by tormented thoughts, she slipped into a fitful sleep, escaping a world she no longer wished to be a part of. She woke in a world of her choosing. Vivid colors painted the sky, the land, the sea, almost blinding in their vibrancy. Uncanny creatures roamed, paying her no heed. She walked toward a small crooked house that sat in the lee of tall cyprus trees. She knocked once, the sound echoing off of blank and lonely walls. Hearing no shuffle of feet nor words of welcome, she pushed the rickety door open and its rusty hinges groaned in protest. "Hello?" she called, not expecting an answer. She wandered through the empty rooms opening empty closets, not knowing for what she searched. Then in one empty room, in an equally empty closet, she found stairs leading up into nowhere. The nowhere was dark, thick and stifling. She sat, pulling her knees to her chest, trembling. Soon tears streamed down her face, tickling her thighs. She felt the sadness of the world deep in her breast. All the pain and suffering of unknown, faceless people. She felt the click of every gun, the slow blossom of every ever expanding pool of blood. The sound of waves broke over her melancholy, and she lifted her face to see the blood soaked beach beneath her. The waves called to her, breaking bloodied on the shore. She stood with no indecision to mark her face, just salty trails falling from reddened eyes. First one foot then the other, she entered the ocean of sorrows. With long strokes she pulled herself through the waves until nothing surrounded her but velvet darkness. She stopped and floated, hearing nothing, feeling nothing. When next she opened her eyes, her room came back to her, bright and dull in one sameness. Her heart empty, her soul empty, she walked through her world. Waiting.
The book, though it has a happy ending, made me depressed. Some of the events that occur in the book made me think about my past. Generally, thinking about my past is not a good idea. I try to tell myself that if my past had gone any differently, I would not (or may not) have ended up with Ben, who is in all manners and matters the right man for me.
However, I can't help but dwell on the choices I made as a teenager. When I'm in one of these moods, I'm convinced that I need to figure out why I made the choices I did so that I can save others from making the same mistakes.
I also feel like I won't truly know who I am until I've figured out that 13-22 year old part of me. My thoughts always come back to Larz, which is almost silly because he's not the first guy to take advantage.
I've always wondered if it was something I did or if it was some sort of combination of fear, weakness, and an unconscious allure, a sign that said, "easy prey". Perhaps it was at first and then I consciously or unconsciously began using this combination to attract men.
But it was never the right man. I wanted someone to hold me. I wanted to fill an empty part of my heart. Even when I found someone who fit, albeit, imperfectly, I kept searching for someone with a better fit. I was never happy with who I found.
Did I go around trying to find this person in the wrong manner? Or was that person simply not supposed to enter my life yet and I just used the waiting time poorly.
Was I really so confused as to think that sex would find me the person who fit perfectly in my heart? Most of the time I didn't want to have sex, but I felt obligated. Perhaps I believed that no one could fall in love with me for me...
I wish I knew what those men were thinking. What attracted those men to me? Were they as lost as I was? Trying to find the person who fit in their heart. Or did they only want sex?
Had I been more confident in myself... Had I acted differently... Had I been able to say no... Would my life have turned out differently? Would I be happier?
Sex should be reserved for people you love and who TRULY love you in return, not for people you want, or think you need, to love you.
Shell
She crawled into her bed, the only safe place she had ever known. Wrapped tight around her neck, her blankee comforted her. She smelled the familiar scents of her body odors mixed with dryer sheets. Chased by tormented thoughts, she slipped into a fitful sleep, escaping a world she no longer wished to be a part of. She woke in a world of her choosing. Vivid colors painted the sky, the land, the sea, almost blinding in their vibrancy. Uncanny creatures roamed, paying her no heed. She walked toward a small crooked house that sat in the lee of tall cyprus trees. She knocked once, the sound echoing off of blank and lonely walls. Hearing no shuffle of feet nor words of welcome, she pushed the rickety door open and its rusty hinges groaned in protest. "Hello?" she called, not expecting an answer. She wandered through the empty rooms opening empty closets, not knowing for what she searched. Then in one empty room, in an equally empty closet, she found stairs leading up into nowhere. The nowhere was dark, thick and stifling. She sat, pulling her knees to her chest, trembling. Soon tears streamed down her face, tickling her thighs. She felt the sadness of the world deep in her breast. All the pain and suffering of unknown, faceless people. She felt the click of every gun, the slow blossom of every ever expanding pool of blood. The sound of waves broke over her melancholy, and she lifted her face to see the blood soaked beach beneath her. The waves called to her, breaking bloodied on the shore. She stood with no indecision to mark her face, just salty trails falling from reddened eyes. First one foot then the other, she entered the ocean of sorrows. With long strokes she pulled herself through the waves until nothing surrounded her but velvet darkness. She stopped and floated, hearing nothing, feeling nothing. When next she opened her eyes, her room came back to her, bright and dull in one sameness. Her heart empty, her soul empty, she walked through her world. Waiting.