Torn Between an Idealized Past and a Predictable Future
Being back in college feels weird as well as comforting. However, my experience at Western has been very different than my experience at Manchester. At WMU, I'm a commuter student, I'm not on a sports team, and I have a steady relationship. I know few people and don't spend any time outside of class with them. The workload is less because I'm talking fewer classes. Because I'm attempting to stay on task at Western, I do about the same amount of work that I did at MC. I still have issues with getting work done and procrastinating.
While reading through old entries, I'm surprised, but not shocked, how often I write about sex. I was very preoccupied with it to say the least. I still think about those past sexual relationships and even considered writing a paper about them. I didn't use to care what people think, but I'm becoming more private about such matters. I associated love with sex. I believed I could find love by having sex or force men to love me by having sex with them. Well, maybe I didn't. It's difficult to say WHAT I was thinking at that time in my life.
I forgot so much of my past, specifically about boys. It's sad how much people forget from their past. We distance ourselves emotionally. This is why journaling is important to me. I don't want to lose those lessons, experiences, and emotions. However, even when I read past entries, I'm biased. I already know what happens and I scoff at my younger self.
Recently, I've been missing this younger self. Being a part of a team. Flirting with boys. I remember my life being so exciting and important. The smallest aspect of my day held huge importance. I don't want that old life back. As glorified as I make some aspects of that life, I realize how much pain they caused me. It's difficult for me to remember the pain, just the excitement before the pain. However, I am missing something in my life. Some crucial interaction or activity. I have a few ideas of what I could do to change this, but I feel like it would be something that would take time away from Ben-time and I have little enough of that as it is. Am I also worried that I could regress into my crazy/stupid younger self? Maybe a little.
Towards the end of my time at Manchester, I felt less connected with the team. None of those girls were close friends. I grudgingly went to practice because I felt obligated. Though I want to be a part of something, I don't want to get to the point where I hate going. I've thought about trying out for a play at a community theatre or at Western. I've thought about joining an intramural team at WMU. I'm still just trying to find a niche. However, it seems so difficult to join a group. I feel excluded in groups. I want everything to be close and personal from the first day. However, I'm starting to learn this scares people. Too much self disclosure. As a result, I disclose less...maybe.
I'm ready for snow. I think snowboarding may get me out of the house more.
Well, I've been neglecting my work. I really need to work on SOMETHING. I've been avoiding my curricula plan in my Teaching Writing class and my best teaching/learning moment paper in my Teaching Communication class. I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing. These are both higher level classes and I feel like I'm not experienced enough to be in them. I could use some major guidance, but my problems aren't really something anyone could help me with. Perhaps what I really need is support. Something I don't get much of; everyone is always so busy, don't understand what it is I need, or can't help me with what I need.
Ah, what could I do to cheer myself up? First I would need to find something that makes me happy.
While reading through old entries, I'm surprised, but not shocked, how often I write about sex. I was very preoccupied with it to say the least. I still think about those past sexual relationships and even considered writing a paper about them. I didn't use to care what people think, but I'm becoming more private about such matters. I associated love with sex. I believed I could find love by having sex or force men to love me by having sex with them. Well, maybe I didn't. It's difficult to say WHAT I was thinking at that time in my life.
I forgot so much of my past, specifically about boys. It's sad how much people forget from their past. We distance ourselves emotionally. This is why journaling is important to me. I don't want to lose those lessons, experiences, and emotions. However, even when I read past entries, I'm biased. I already know what happens and I scoff at my younger self.
Recently, I've been missing this younger self. Being a part of a team. Flirting with boys. I remember my life being so exciting and important. The smallest aspect of my day held huge importance. I don't want that old life back. As glorified as I make some aspects of that life, I realize how much pain they caused me. It's difficult for me to remember the pain, just the excitement before the pain. However, I am missing something in my life. Some crucial interaction or activity. I have a few ideas of what I could do to change this, but I feel like it would be something that would take time away from Ben-time and I have little enough of that as it is. Am I also worried that I could regress into my crazy/stupid younger self? Maybe a little.
Towards the end of my time at Manchester, I felt less connected with the team. None of those girls were close friends. I grudgingly went to practice because I felt obligated. Though I want to be a part of something, I don't want to get to the point where I hate going. I've thought about trying out for a play at a community theatre or at Western. I've thought about joining an intramural team at WMU. I'm still just trying to find a niche. However, it seems so difficult to join a group. I feel excluded in groups. I want everything to be close and personal from the first day. However, I'm starting to learn this scares people. Too much self disclosure. As a result, I disclose less...maybe.
I'm ready for snow. I think snowboarding may get me out of the house more.
Well, I've been neglecting my work. I really need to work on SOMETHING. I've been avoiding my curricula plan in my Teaching Writing class and my best teaching/learning moment paper in my Teaching Communication class. I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing. These are both higher level classes and I feel like I'm not experienced enough to be in them. I could use some major guidance, but my problems aren't really something anyone could help me with. Perhaps what I really need is support. Something I don't get much of; everyone is always so busy, don't understand what it is I need, or can't help me with what I need.
Ah, what could I do to cheer myself up? First I would need to find something that makes me happy.