Faraway, But So Close (Adam/Kris, misc pairings) Rated: R
Title: Faraway, But So Close (Chapter Eleven)
Author: xrazorbladesky and georgeegurl
Pairings/Character(s): Adam/Kris, Adam/Gabriel, past Adam/Sauli.
Warnings:Domestic violence, self-injury, character death(main character), suicide, Supernatural beings, major depression, alcoholism.(Highlight to read)
Rating: R
Words: 3,813
Summary: Adam sets out for his second tour, and it's not going so well.
Notes: This is a pure flashback chapter, on screen self-injury, drug use, and non-con occur.
March 30th, 2013
The first week of tour always is the hardest. But he had been kind of excited about it. After being away from home, he kind of felt like he wanted to be back there. But he knew that it was better to be where he was. There were so much things on tour that were fun. He remembered the last one like it was yesterday. And boy, was it fun. The fans were screaming for him, chanting for him to continue his show. Wanting him to just sing his heart out. That was fun. His fans were why he did everything. They just made his day sometimes.
Getting used to being on tour was weird. Getting back into the swing of things, sharing a tour bus with other people; close quarters to his bandmates. A bus full of testosterone and pranks. The pranks had to be some of the best. And this tour, they were probably going to be better than ever. Tommy would come up with something to get him and then he’d probably think for the longest time of something that he’d have to do to get him back. Of course, Tommy being the Master Pranker. Adam wouldn’t do anything better than him.
After shows he would always find himself going back to the bus. The others would always just stay in the venue and have a few drinks together; a small little after party. Adam found himself not much of a joiner this tour. Most of the nights he would just go lay down in the bus and feel completely lonely and disconnected to the world. The mind had to be the worst organ in the human body. Never stopping. Always running at all times. It got him thinking about those things that he just didn’t want to think about. The stuff that had him disconnected in the first place.
Touring was nice, but it was lonely. He missed his family, his mom and dad and even his brother. Neil had come along with him last tour, but this time he couldn’t. He missed Alisan and Danielle, Brad and Cassidy, Kris and Sauli. Sure, he had Tommy, Isaac, and Ashley, but it really wasn’t the same.
Sleeping in a bed on a bus wasn’t the same as sleeping in his own bed back home. But to be honest, it hadn’t been his bed in a long time. It had been his and Gabriel’s, and it wasn’t comfortable anymore. Not with the way Gabriel treated him. He loved Gab, he really did, but he was starting to think Gab didn’t love him back. At least, not in the same way.
Adam leaned his head forward on the bed, shutting his eyes tightly. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. He was supposed to be happy.
But he wasn’t. He wanted the thoughts to stop, he wanted to calm down and sleep. But his brain kept talking. His legs were a bit wobbly as he pushed his way up. And even more so, when he walked over to his bag. It hadn’t been unpacked. He didn’t really bother to do that. Found it pointless. Living out of his suitcase was part of the fun.
He started to rummage around, trying to what he wanted. It was probably under everything. Hidden away so no one could find it. That was something he did. Hide it from view, even though it was an everyday object. There was a part of him that felt stupid for doing it. But he didn’t use it for the everyday use.
When he came up he had a small pouch in his hand. He took a deep breath. It’s been awhile since he’s done it. Since he used one of the contents in the pouch. Last time kind of scared him a little bit. Having to go to the hospital...having to call for help. He never wanted to do that again. But it seemed like the only thing to get his mind to calm down a little bit...to make him feel.
He exhaled, opening it up. His eyes instantly scanned over each and every object he had in it. Slowly passing each one, even giving second glances at them. As he brought his hand up, it began to shake just a little bit as he brought one into his hand. A box cutter that had a piece of black plastic that you move to make the blade come up with.
It wasn’t his favorite, it didn’t do much damage, but Adam wasn’t really looking for that. He was looking to calm down. He was craving the numb part of this, not really needing to see blood, not needing to be in too much pain. But it still scared him just a tiny bit. What if he screwed up and needed stitches again? He couldn’t just call Kris up like he did last time, he would have to find his manger, and they would have to find a hospital.
He pushed those thoughts away and pulled up his left sleeve. A bright white scar stared back at him, but Adam ignored it and put the box cutter to his skin, slowly pulling it across. There was hardly any pain, and just a small amount of blood pushed it’s way through the cut.
Adam slumped against the wall of the bus, pushing the blade against his skin again, and sighing in relief. He felt sort of sick when he did this. What kind of person opened their own skin to make themselves feel better? And what kind of person enjoyed it this much? There had to be something wrong with him.
He discarded the blade back in the pouch, looking for some band-aids. He may enjoy it, but he didn’t want to have to see this later.
Adam carefully cleaned the cuts with some tissue paper, then covered the cuts. Now he was going to have to wear long sleeves on stage. It wasn’t that he didn’t already, if the long white scar was seen the media would have a field day. He really didn’t want to be known as the ‘gay pop star who lost it’. Yeah, he could see that in papers already. It would be next to the whole Britney Spears meltdown of the year. Just what he needed.
The tour would be good. He needed to make it better than what it was...if it was even possible. But somehow deep inside, he knew that it wouldn’t be better.
He just knew.
April 30th, 2013
Adam sat in back room of some venue staring at the wall. It was vibrating. It had been a long time since he’d done this. He missed this feeling. The spacey-light headed feeling. He probably should have waited until he had a non-concert night, but the man who gave him the stuff said it was ‘the best shit you’ll ever come across’. He was curious, and popped the blotter in his mouth once he entered the dressing room.
But now, it was almost time to go on stage and Adam was regretting it. The sounds coming from the stage where overly loud, his hands felt funny, and that fucking wall was still moving. Maybe he should get out of here, go find Tommy and Isaac. If they found out what he was up to, they’d be so pissed.
Adam stood off the couch, walking slowly across the room. Was he walking slow or was the door getting farther away? He laughed, because whatever, he’d get there eventually.
The door swung open and in came Tommy. He reeked. Adam stopped and looked at him with wide eyes. He looked funny. “Can I help you?” He said quickly.
“Quit fucking around man, we’re on!” Tommy grabbed his shoulder and pulled him out into the hallway. He could hear the crowd screaming his name and it sounded like....holding onto a rough blanket. God, he couldn’t imagine what it was going to be like when he was on stage. Probably like being stabbed with fork. And with the added music? Yeah, more like being stabbed with a knife. A sharp one.
Each step they took was like that knife being pushed into him. Farther and farther it went. Deeper and deeper. The walls seemed to pass them and he felt like they flew past him. Everything seemed farther away but at the same time, they came him. A nausea feeling came to his stomach. A show. He was supposed to be doing a concert. Right. That couldn’t...
It got louder. It sounded more like an helicopter that was just landing on an airstrip. So close that it sent shivers down his spine. “S-Slow d-down,” Adam said. It came out louder then he thought it did. He was shouting.
Tommy turned to him. “Slow down?”
“You’re running! Down the hall!”
Tommy stared at him and Adam swore he saw his face get a little more rectangular. His nose became a triangle. Adam was sent into laughter. “What’s so funny?”
Adam didn’t say anything, just kept laughing. This trip wasn’t that bad. He kind of missed it, he had to admit. He used to have fun. There was so much he missed about those days.They seemed a little more carefree and honestly, Adam loved that. Loved that he could do anything that he wanted. No strings. Now, he was a puppet. “Nothing!”
“Adam, we’re about to go on.”
“You’ve said that already.”
Tommy nodded. “Are you okay to -”
Adam pulled away, his balance off just a little as he started to walk the rest of the way. Concerts are supposed to be fun. He had his fun before the show. So, it would just make the concert a lot better for the audience. It would make him perform better.
It felt more like being shot then being stabbed. But he held up. He could make it through the concert and it was going to be okay. Everything would. Another laugh came from his mouth. Everything was moving.
Adam walked over to the mic stand and took hold of it. The music in the background got a little louder. This was where he was supposed to sing. He opened his mouth and nothing came out. He felt stuck. The stage was vibrating under his feet, the fans were screaming his name, and everything would be perfect. It was perfect, but he just stood there with his hand wrapped around the mic stand and staring at the crowd.
Tommy was suddenly behind him, and hand on his shoulder and Adam noticed the music had stopped. Tommy flipped the switch on the mic so it was off and he turned to Adam. He had a very serious look on his face. “What the fuck did you take?” He said quietly.
“Nothing, nothing.” Adam shook his head quickly.
“If you’re fine, then get with the program. This really isn’t cool.” Adam had never heard Tommy speak to him like that before. Usually, he was very nice and gentle. And he wasn’t one to talk, Tommy was always drinking before he went on stage.
Tommy took a step back, and they started again. This time Adam got it right. He apologized to the crowd for the false start, making up some excuse about how the audience was so beautiful he just had to look at them for a moment. Of course, they bought it.
He was fine. He made it halfway through the show without anything happening. He still felt as though knifes were being thrown at him, but he could rough it. If he could trip in the middle of the desert he could do it in front of an audience.
That was until he got to Underneath. He stayed in the middle of the stage, staring out into the crowd when he saw it: a young girl in the front row who was smiling shyly while she held a small white candle in her hands. He dropped the mic onto the stage, and fell to his knees yelling, “Stop it, stop it! It hurts!” The music came to a stop and Tommy was at his side, trying to speak to him, but Adam couldn’t hear him.
“Get it off me, please.” Adam begged, his hands going up to reach for something on his chest. He pulled at his shirt and then his hands came back down to the stage as though he had been burned.
Tommy called for help off stage, and he’d never heard the crowd so quiet before. They stared at Adam on the stage and Tommy just wanted to get him off as quickly as possible. A security guard walked out, helping Adam to his feet and off stage. Adam was lying, he was tripping on something and he was tripping bad.
Gabriel pulled Adam into a kiss. It was a nice sultry one that went nice and slow and for a moment Adam did kiss back. He loved Gabriel. He wanted to get back to where they were when they met. They had hot sex that made him sweat bullets, making his breath catch in his throat. That made him lose his breath. But after a long day of work...After a long day of work, he didn’t want to do it. The tiredness coated his eyes even when he was lying on their bed. All he had to do is close his eyes and be there. his eyes were like weights when they got like that. So heavy that it was hard to even lift them. Who knew being in the studio trying out new beats and just messing around with lyrics could be tiring. Every single time that he did it, he’d come home and just want to collapse.
He could feel his shirt being tangled with. There was nothing sultry about it. It was rough. A tug. When he looked down the buttons of his shirt were ripped. His eyes just stared. That had been his favorite button down. He didn’t have many and in all honesty, he only had it because Kris gave it to him. Kirs had told him that he’d look pretty good in it. The compliments he got while wearing it were nice so he just had to wear it more often. It gave him more confidence. Of course, maybe a part of him just did it for Kris, but he kind of liked the shirt. It made him look semi - professional. Wearing it with a pair of jeans...
It was pushed off of him. He could tell Gabriel never liked the shirt. Hated it even. Something told him that if he knew who gave it to him, he’d hate it even more...and there was more things in the room that Kris had given to him. Those were the things that would pass as family things. That was exactly what he said when Gabriel picked something up. “Oh, Uh - I got that from one of my family.” In reality, he considered Kris family. So, it wasn’t like he was lying. Hopefully, Gabriel didn’t sense the fear in his voice. The fear that he might say throw it away or even get rid of it himself.
He loved everything that Kris gave him - everything that his friends have given him. There was something that he cherished about everything given to him. It was a reminder. A reminder that he wasn’t alone. He had friends that loved him. There was a time where the only person he had in his life was Brad. Brad showed him a lot, he had to admit. He showed him that there was things better out there. Opened his eyes to greatness. And he knew that he could be great.
Great.
How did he find himself underneath Gabriel? Or even naked underneath him? He wanted to sleep. That’s all he felt like doing.
“No!” Adam screamed. “Get off of me! Get off of me!”
“Adam, Adam you need to calm down.”
“Adam you need to calm down,” Gabriel said as Adam moved underneath him. Against his say, he had been turned on his stomach. He could just feel Gabriel’s...
“I don’t want -”
Just like that, Gabriel started to move into him, his hands pushing into his sides.
“No,” Adam said. “No. St-stop.”
“Stop!”
“Adam!”
“Oh you’re such a bad boy. I’m going to give you exactly what you deserve. Remember that gift you said you got from your mother. The nice guitar. You don’t...” Gabriel sped his pace. “You don’t play the guitar. And neither does your mother. Or anyone in your family. So why would they give you one?”
“I’m...I’m st - st-starting to l-learn.”
Instead of stopping he kept going. He kept moving and it got faster. And faster. It hurt so much. Especially the more he tried to get away. Gabriel went harder each time. Adam dug his hands into the blanket, clenching them in his fists.
When he stopped, Adam went limp on the bed. Useless. Completely useless. He thought that Gabriel was done. That he would tell Adam to go take a shower or tell him to get sleep...he did neither.
May 14th, 2013
Sauli had been called in for a shoot a week ago. It was great timing really, he was already flying in to see a friend that week. But he also remembered Adam had a show that week. He snagged some tickets from a scalper that were way overpriced, but it wasn’t like he didn’t have the money and he was pretty sure he could find a fan to confidence the guards to let him backstage to see Adam. But he wanted to see the show too.
Before the opening act started, a guard came into the crowd to bring him backstage. Tommy had looked out from behind the curtain and had seen Sauli standing there. It was nice to see them again, but Adam was nowhere to be seen. ‘He’s putting on his face’ Isaac joked.
“You can go see him if you want,” Tommy said absently. He was on one of the couches tuning his guitar. “I’m sure he’d be really happy to see you. In fact, I think it would be good if he saw you.”
“What do you mean?” Sauli asked.
“You didn’t hear about what happened two weeks ago?” Ashley joined in.
Sauli shook his head.
“He freaked out on stage. We were in the middle of a song and he just started yelling at no one. We had to stop the whole concert and have him be taken off stage.”
Sauli was confused. He hadn’t really watched TV or been on the internet lately, he’d been so busy with work, but he thought if something had happened that someone would have contacted him. But then he remembered that Adam wasn’t his boyfriend anymore, they hadn’t been together for almost a year and no one probably even thought of telling him. They probably contacted Gabriel. But if Adam did really have a freak out on stage, where was Gabriel to support him?
He started down the hallway and looked for Adam’s dressing room. He peaked in rooms and it took him a few minutes, but he finally found Adam’s room - which was empty. He stepped farther in and looked around the room. It was clean, not like normal where he had clothes all over the floor. It didn’t even seem as though Adam had started getting ready.
“Adam?” He called. There wasn’t an answer.
Something caught the corner of his eye. The door to the bathroom was ajar, a light shining through the crack. He slowly walked toward the door, afraid of what he might. “Adam?” He called out again, pushing the door open.
Sauli gasped. Adam was sitting on the floor with his head again the wall. His right pant leg was rolled up to his knee, and his leg was covered in blood. At first, Sauli didn’t understand. What could have happened? Did he fall? But then his eyes caught the razor blade next to him. Adam had done this.
Sauli fell to his knees in front of Adam, searching the bathroom for a towel. He found a white towel under the sink, along with a first aid kit. Sauli pressed the towel to Adam’s leg and he didn’t have a reaction. What the hell was going on with him? Was he cracking under pressure?
“You’re so pretty, Sauli.” Adam said suddenly.
Sauli pulled the towel back. “Why did you do this, huh, hunaja?”
Adam didn’t say anything and Sauli sighed. He opened the first aid kit, taking out the alcohol wipes, bandages, and gauze. None of the wounds look deep enough to need stitches, but they were going to be cleaned and held together. “This is probably going to hurt.” He said, taking out one of the wipes, and starting to clean Adam’s skin. Adam didn’t move, he just stared at Sauli’s hands.
Once most of the blood was cleaned from his skin, Sauli bandaged some of the more worse wounds and unraveled the gauze. He started wrapping it around Adam’s leg. How was he going to dance around stage with pain in his leg? He probably wasn’t, Adam was in no shape to perform.
He pinned the gauze together. “May I see something?” He asked, but Sauli knew he was just talking to himself. He took a hold Adam’s arm, rolling up both of his sleeves. The scars ran over his tattoos, some raised, some sunken, some were white, others were dark red or purple. It broke his heart knowing Adam thought he had to do this to feel better. Thinking he couldn’t talk to anyone when he was feeling down. And now, it was taking over his life.
“Why have you not talked to anyone about this?”
“I just - I couldn’t...” Adam babbled softly, his fingers running along the gauze. “I can’t.”
Sauli shook his head. “Yes, you can. Talk to me.” Adam closed his eyes, and his head fell onto his knee. Sauli leaned forward, gathering Adam in his arms. He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t making any noise at all, but he collapsed into Sauli’s chest and his fingers gripping Sauli’s thigh.
Author: xrazorbladesky and georgeegurl
Pairings/Character(s): Adam/Kris, Adam/Gabriel, past Adam/Sauli.
Warnings:Domestic violence, self-injury, character death(main character), suicide, Supernatural beings, major depression, alcoholism.(Highlight to read)
Rating: R
Words: 3,813
Summary: Adam sets out for his second tour, and it's not going so well.
Notes: This is a pure flashback chapter, on screen self-injury, drug use, and non-con occur.
March 30th, 2013
The first week of tour always is the hardest. But he had been kind of excited about it. After being away from home, he kind of felt like he wanted to be back there. But he knew that it was better to be where he was. There were so much things on tour that were fun. He remembered the last one like it was yesterday. And boy, was it fun. The fans were screaming for him, chanting for him to continue his show. Wanting him to just sing his heart out. That was fun. His fans were why he did everything. They just made his day sometimes.
Getting used to being on tour was weird. Getting back into the swing of things, sharing a tour bus with other people; close quarters to his bandmates. A bus full of testosterone and pranks. The pranks had to be some of the best. And this tour, they were probably going to be better than ever. Tommy would come up with something to get him and then he’d probably think for the longest time of something that he’d have to do to get him back. Of course, Tommy being the Master Pranker. Adam wouldn’t do anything better than him.
After shows he would always find himself going back to the bus. The others would always just stay in the venue and have a few drinks together; a small little after party. Adam found himself not much of a joiner this tour. Most of the nights he would just go lay down in the bus and feel completely lonely and disconnected to the world. The mind had to be the worst organ in the human body. Never stopping. Always running at all times. It got him thinking about those things that he just didn’t want to think about. The stuff that had him disconnected in the first place.
Touring was nice, but it was lonely. He missed his family, his mom and dad and even his brother. Neil had come along with him last tour, but this time he couldn’t. He missed Alisan and Danielle, Brad and Cassidy, Kris and Sauli. Sure, he had Tommy, Isaac, and Ashley, but it really wasn’t the same.
Sleeping in a bed on a bus wasn’t the same as sleeping in his own bed back home. But to be honest, it hadn’t been his bed in a long time. It had been his and Gabriel’s, and it wasn’t comfortable anymore. Not with the way Gabriel treated him. He loved Gab, he really did, but he was starting to think Gab didn’t love him back. At least, not in the same way.
Adam leaned his head forward on the bed, shutting his eyes tightly. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. He was supposed to be happy.
But he wasn’t. He wanted the thoughts to stop, he wanted to calm down and sleep. But his brain kept talking. His legs were a bit wobbly as he pushed his way up. And even more so, when he walked over to his bag. It hadn’t been unpacked. He didn’t really bother to do that. Found it pointless. Living out of his suitcase was part of the fun.
He started to rummage around, trying to what he wanted. It was probably under everything. Hidden away so no one could find it. That was something he did. Hide it from view, even though it was an everyday object. There was a part of him that felt stupid for doing it. But he didn’t use it for the everyday use.
When he came up he had a small pouch in his hand. He took a deep breath. It’s been awhile since he’s done it. Since he used one of the contents in the pouch. Last time kind of scared him a little bit. Having to go to the hospital...having to call for help. He never wanted to do that again. But it seemed like the only thing to get his mind to calm down a little bit...to make him feel.
He exhaled, opening it up. His eyes instantly scanned over each and every object he had in it. Slowly passing each one, even giving second glances at them. As he brought his hand up, it began to shake just a little bit as he brought one into his hand. A box cutter that had a piece of black plastic that you move to make the blade come up with.
It wasn’t his favorite, it didn’t do much damage, but Adam wasn’t really looking for that. He was looking to calm down. He was craving the numb part of this, not really needing to see blood, not needing to be in too much pain. But it still scared him just a tiny bit. What if he screwed up and needed stitches again? He couldn’t just call Kris up like he did last time, he would have to find his manger, and they would have to find a hospital.
He pushed those thoughts away and pulled up his left sleeve. A bright white scar stared back at him, but Adam ignored it and put the box cutter to his skin, slowly pulling it across. There was hardly any pain, and just a small amount of blood pushed it’s way through the cut.
Adam slumped against the wall of the bus, pushing the blade against his skin again, and sighing in relief. He felt sort of sick when he did this. What kind of person opened their own skin to make themselves feel better? And what kind of person enjoyed it this much? There had to be something wrong with him.
He discarded the blade back in the pouch, looking for some band-aids. He may enjoy it, but he didn’t want to have to see this later.
Adam carefully cleaned the cuts with some tissue paper, then covered the cuts. Now he was going to have to wear long sleeves on stage. It wasn’t that he didn’t already, if the long white scar was seen the media would have a field day. He really didn’t want to be known as the ‘gay pop star who lost it’. Yeah, he could see that in papers already. It would be next to the whole Britney Spears meltdown of the year. Just what he needed.
The tour would be good. He needed to make it better than what it was...if it was even possible. But somehow deep inside, he knew that it wouldn’t be better.
He just knew.
April 30th, 2013
Adam sat in back room of some venue staring at the wall. It was vibrating. It had been a long time since he’d done this. He missed this feeling. The spacey-light headed feeling. He probably should have waited until he had a non-concert night, but the man who gave him the stuff said it was ‘the best shit you’ll ever come across’. He was curious, and popped the blotter in his mouth once he entered the dressing room.
But now, it was almost time to go on stage and Adam was regretting it. The sounds coming from the stage where overly loud, his hands felt funny, and that fucking wall was still moving. Maybe he should get out of here, go find Tommy and Isaac. If they found out what he was up to, they’d be so pissed.
Adam stood off the couch, walking slowly across the room. Was he walking slow or was the door getting farther away? He laughed, because whatever, he’d get there eventually.
The door swung open and in came Tommy. He reeked. Adam stopped and looked at him with wide eyes. He looked funny. “Can I help you?” He said quickly.
“Quit fucking around man, we’re on!” Tommy grabbed his shoulder and pulled him out into the hallway. He could hear the crowd screaming his name and it sounded like....holding onto a rough blanket. God, he couldn’t imagine what it was going to be like when he was on stage. Probably like being stabbed with fork. And with the added music? Yeah, more like being stabbed with a knife. A sharp one.
Each step they took was like that knife being pushed into him. Farther and farther it went. Deeper and deeper. The walls seemed to pass them and he felt like they flew past him. Everything seemed farther away but at the same time, they came him. A nausea feeling came to his stomach. A show. He was supposed to be doing a concert. Right. That couldn’t...
It got louder. It sounded more like an helicopter that was just landing on an airstrip. So close that it sent shivers down his spine. “S-Slow d-down,” Adam said. It came out louder then he thought it did. He was shouting.
Tommy turned to him. “Slow down?”
“You’re running! Down the hall!”
Tommy stared at him and Adam swore he saw his face get a little more rectangular. His nose became a triangle. Adam was sent into laughter. “What’s so funny?”
Adam didn’t say anything, just kept laughing. This trip wasn’t that bad. He kind of missed it, he had to admit. He used to have fun. There was so much he missed about those days.They seemed a little more carefree and honestly, Adam loved that. Loved that he could do anything that he wanted. No strings. Now, he was a puppet. “Nothing!”
“Adam, we’re about to go on.”
“You’ve said that already.”
Tommy nodded. “Are you okay to -”
Adam pulled away, his balance off just a little as he started to walk the rest of the way. Concerts are supposed to be fun. He had his fun before the show. So, it would just make the concert a lot better for the audience. It would make him perform better.
It felt more like being shot then being stabbed. But he held up. He could make it through the concert and it was going to be okay. Everything would. Another laugh came from his mouth. Everything was moving.
Adam walked over to the mic stand and took hold of it. The music in the background got a little louder. This was where he was supposed to sing. He opened his mouth and nothing came out. He felt stuck. The stage was vibrating under his feet, the fans were screaming his name, and everything would be perfect. It was perfect, but he just stood there with his hand wrapped around the mic stand and staring at the crowd.
Tommy was suddenly behind him, and hand on his shoulder and Adam noticed the music had stopped. Tommy flipped the switch on the mic so it was off and he turned to Adam. He had a very serious look on his face. “What the fuck did you take?” He said quietly.
“Nothing, nothing.” Adam shook his head quickly.
“If you’re fine, then get with the program. This really isn’t cool.” Adam had never heard Tommy speak to him like that before. Usually, he was very nice and gentle. And he wasn’t one to talk, Tommy was always drinking before he went on stage.
Tommy took a step back, and they started again. This time Adam got it right. He apologized to the crowd for the false start, making up some excuse about how the audience was so beautiful he just had to look at them for a moment. Of course, they bought it.
He was fine. He made it halfway through the show without anything happening. He still felt as though knifes were being thrown at him, but he could rough it. If he could trip in the middle of the desert he could do it in front of an audience.
That was until he got to Underneath. He stayed in the middle of the stage, staring out into the crowd when he saw it: a young girl in the front row who was smiling shyly while she held a small white candle in her hands. He dropped the mic onto the stage, and fell to his knees yelling, “Stop it, stop it! It hurts!” The music came to a stop and Tommy was at his side, trying to speak to him, but Adam couldn’t hear him.
“Get it off me, please.” Adam begged, his hands going up to reach for something on his chest. He pulled at his shirt and then his hands came back down to the stage as though he had been burned.
Tommy called for help off stage, and he’d never heard the crowd so quiet before. They stared at Adam on the stage and Tommy just wanted to get him off as quickly as possible. A security guard walked out, helping Adam to his feet and off stage. Adam was lying, he was tripping on something and he was tripping bad.
Gabriel pulled Adam into a kiss. It was a nice sultry one that went nice and slow and for a moment Adam did kiss back. He loved Gabriel. He wanted to get back to where they were when they met. They had hot sex that made him sweat bullets, making his breath catch in his throat. That made him lose his breath. But after a long day of work...After a long day of work, he didn’t want to do it. The tiredness coated his eyes even when he was lying on their bed. All he had to do is close his eyes and be there. his eyes were like weights when they got like that. So heavy that it was hard to even lift them. Who knew being in the studio trying out new beats and just messing around with lyrics could be tiring. Every single time that he did it, he’d come home and just want to collapse.
He could feel his shirt being tangled with. There was nothing sultry about it. It was rough. A tug. When he looked down the buttons of his shirt were ripped. His eyes just stared. That had been his favorite button down. He didn’t have many and in all honesty, he only had it because Kris gave it to him. Kirs had told him that he’d look pretty good in it. The compliments he got while wearing it were nice so he just had to wear it more often. It gave him more confidence. Of course, maybe a part of him just did it for Kris, but he kind of liked the shirt. It made him look semi - professional. Wearing it with a pair of jeans...
It was pushed off of him. He could tell Gabriel never liked the shirt. Hated it even. Something told him that if he knew who gave it to him, he’d hate it even more...and there was more things in the room that Kris had given to him. Those were the things that would pass as family things. That was exactly what he said when Gabriel picked something up. “Oh, Uh - I got that from one of my family.” In reality, he considered Kris family. So, it wasn’t like he was lying. Hopefully, Gabriel didn’t sense the fear in his voice. The fear that he might say throw it away or even get rid of it himself.
He loved everything that Kris gave him - everything that his friends have given him. There was something that he cherished about everything given to him. It was a reminder. A reminder that he wasn’t alone. He had friends that loved him. There was a time where the only person he had in his life was Brad. Brad showed him a lot, he had to admit. He showed him that there was things better out there. Opened his eyes to greatness. And he knew that he could be great.
Great.
How did he find himself underneath Gabriel? Or even naked underneath him? He wanted to sleep. That’s all he felt like doing.
“No!” Adam screamed. “Get off of me! Get off of me!”
“Adam, Adam you need to calm down.”
“Adam you need to calm down,” Gabriel said as Adam moved underneath him. Against his say, he had been turned on his stomach. He could just feel Gabriel’s...
“I don’t want -”
Just like that, Gabriel started to move into him, his hands pushing into his sides.
“No,” Adam said. “No. St-stop.”
“Stop!”
“Adam!”
“Oh you’re such a bad boy. I’m going to give you exactly what you deserve. Remember that gift you said you got from your mother. The nice guitar. You don’t...” Gabriel sped his pace. “You don’t play the guitar. And neither does your mother. Or anyone in your family. So why would they give you one?”
“I’m...I’m st - st-starting to l-learn.”
Instead of stopping he kept going. He kept moving and it got faster. And faster. It hurt so much. Especially the more he tried to get away. Gabriel went harder each time. Adam dug his hands into the blanket, clenching them in his fists.
When he stopped, Adam went limp on the bed. Useless. Completely useless. He thought that Gabriel was done. That he would tell Adam to go take a shower or tell him to get sleep...he did neither.
May 14th, 2013
Sauli had been called in for a shoot a week ago. It was great timing really, he was already flying in to see a friend that week. But he also remembered Adam had a show that week. He snagged some tickets from a scalper that were way overpriced, but it wasn’t like he didn’t have the money and he was pretty sure he could find a fan to confidence the guards to let him backstage to see Adam. But he wanted to see the show too.
Before the opening act started, a guard came into the crowd to bring him backstage. Tommy had looked out from behind the curtain and had seen Sauli standing there. It was nice to see them again, but Adam was nowhere to be seen. ‘He’s putting on his face’ Isaac joked.
“You can go see him if you want,” Tommy said absently. He was on one of the couches tuning his guitar. “I’m sure he’d be really happy to see you. In fact, I think it would be good if he saw you.”
“What do you mean?” Sauli asked.
“You didn’t hear about what happened two weeks ago?” Ashley joined in.
Sauli shook his head.
“He freaked out on stage. We were in the middle of a song and he just started yelling at no one. We had to stop the whole concert and have him be taken off stage.”
Sauli was confused. He hadn’t really watched TV or been on the internet lately, he’d been so busy with work, but he thought if something had happened that someone would have contacted him. But then he remembered that Adam wasn’t his boyfriend anymore, they hadn’t been together for almost a year and no one probably even thought of telling him. They probably contacted Gabriel. But if Adam did really have a freak out on stage, where was Gabriel to support him?
He started down the hallway and looked for Adam’s dressing room. He peaked in rooms and it took him a few minutes, but he finally found Adam’s room - which was empty. He stepped farther in and looked around the room. It was clean, not like normal where he had clothes all over the floor. It didn’t even seem as though Adam had started getting ready.
“Adam?” He called. There wasn’t an answer.
Something caught the corner of his eye. The door to the bathroom was ajar, a light shining through the crack. He slowly walked toward the door, afraid of what he might. “Adam?” He called out again, pushing the door open.
Sauli gasped. Adam was sitting on the floor with his head again the wall. His right pant leg was rolled up to his knee, and his leg was covered in blood. At first, Sauli didn’t understand. What could have happened? Did he fall? But then his eyes caught the razor blade next to him. Adam had done this.
Sauli fell to his knees in front of Adam, searching the bathroom for a towel. He found a white towel under the sink, along with a first aid kit. Sauli pressed the towel to Adam’s leg and he didn’t have a reaction. What the hell was going on with him? Was he cracking under pressure?
“You’re so pretty, Sauli.” Adam said suddenly.
Sauli pulled the towel back. “Why did you do this, huh, hunaja?”
Adam didn’t say anything and Sauli sighed. He opened the first aid kit, taking out the alcohol wipes, bandages, and gauze. None of the wounds look deep enough to need stitches, but they were going to be cleaned and held together. “This is probably going to hurt.” He said, taking out one of the wipes, and starting to clean Adam’s skin. Adam didn’t move, he just stared at Sauli’s hands.
Once most of the blood was cleaned from his skin, Sauli bandaged some of the more worse wounds and unraveled the gauze. He started wrapping it around Adam’s leg. How was he going to dance around stage with pain in his leg? He probably wasn’t, Adam was in no shape to perform.
He pinned the gauze together. “May I see something?” He asked, but Sauli knew he was just talking to himself. He took a hold Adam’s arm, rolling up both of his sleeves. The scars ran over his tattoos, some raised, some sunken, some were white, others were dark red or purple. It broke his heart knowing Adam thought he had to do this to feel better. Thinking he couldn’t talk to anyone when he was feeling down. And now, it was taking over his life.
“Why have you not talked to anyone about this?”
“I just - I couldn’t...” Adam babbled softly, his fingers running along the gauze. “I can’t.”
Sauli shook his head. “Yes, you can. Talk to me.” Adam closed his eyes, and his head fell onto his knee. Sauli leaned forward, gathering Adam in his arms. He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t making any noise at all, but he collapsed into Sauli’s chest and his fingers gripping Sauli’s thigh.