(no subject)
i am so fucking incredibly unhappy. i'm slightly drunk and delirious so that's probably the only reason i'm actually admitting this. but in all serious. i'm so fucking miserable. i miss feeling like someone actually gave a shit about me. going through every day all alone is starting to take its toll. i just want to go home and know that someone loves me. even if its only my dog. i need to go to sleep. this is ridiculous. but i can't. in any case, i'm just glad i left. it was hard making myself get up, but all i could think of was "if i wake up here, i'm going to hate myself even more." i keep envisioning myself butchered. like mutilated and completely fucked up. i hate knowing that my life will never be what it was before. knowing that there is no chance i will ever attain that same joy. or even familiarity and comfort. i hate everything. it was kind of weird...as i was walking to my car i was thinking about how this would be the perfect setting for a rape or mugging. and parallel to that i was thinking about how i didn't even care. i need something other than this pathetic excuse of an existence.