sometime around midnight

[breakmyboundary]

i just finished looking for alaska, and i realized i have an awful habit of lying to myself.
and i can't even help it.
i've found that it's impossible for me to really feel sorry for myself anymore, because nothing seems worth feeling sorry over.
i express myself. i don't know how to pity myself.
and whatever, pity is for the selfish.
so i'll revert to my old habits, and keep riding this roller coaster.
i do like roller coasters, i guess.
they're interesting.

but i do have one memory i want to share

i remember coming into the bathroom
and seeing some of her things missing
and crying, because i realized it was actually happening
and more things disappeared slowly
and everytime i went in there i cried
and sometimes i went in there just so i could make myself cry
because crying is sometimes the only thing that eases pain
and i would go in the closet and hide myself in her clothes
and cry
and breathe
and remember
the good times, only good times
because that's all i wanted to remember
and then i would stop because it was useless
and remember the bad times
and stop crying
and finish trying to live

and that was the beginning of the end of me

and now i just feel like a small part of everyone else