I've known it all my life, but I've never thought of it in these terms.

I was almost a dead baby.

If somebody came up to you and asked, "Guess who you know who spent the afternoon taking pictures of baby graves," I'm sure by now your first, second, and third guess would be me. Hell, the dead babies in the graves would know it was me. Which makes sense, since as it so happens, that is in fact how I spent the afternoon.


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I'm sorry I keep posting. But I'm a mess and I have no other outlet right now. And I'm sad and scared and I just don't know what to do with myself. So I post and post and post ( Read more... )

Doing regular things. Submitted my first homework packet today. Chores around the house. Ballet and sewing class. Hard to focus when I feel this bad. But I'm tough enough at least to go through the motions. To not screw up the running of my life too much ( Read more... )

Yesterday, niobien commented on the piece from day two that it was rather dark. I confess I hadn't really thought about it until she mentioned it, but yeah, it really is. So is piece number one from the day before. And, surprisingly or unsurprisingly, so is my piece for today. I am drawn to tragedy; I suppose I really am a goth in my soul. But it's funny ( Read more... )

I called my mom on my walk yesterday. I mentioned to her that I think of Gigi's stillbirth as I go through the cemetery, and mom corrected me on a few parts of the story. She too couldn't say whether the baby never had a name or if simply no one used it, but Mom said that she didn't come between my dad and my uncle in the birth order; she was ( Read more... )

I've taken to walking through Mt. Feake Cemetery when I want to get into town. Since moving to Illyria an extra mile was tacked onto all my normal walking routes, and while the effort isn't tough for me, it makes a walk take significantly more time out of my day. I like cemeteries. They're a tiny glimpse of history. They're great for a writer ( Read more... )

Thoughts have been very dark lately. Not healthy, trying to shake it off. I have entirely too much work to lose focus to that. Spent an hour last night on the bathroom floor with those dark thoughts. Not for the first time, it occurs to me that I am a prideful thing. Makes me do some pretty awful things, just for the sake of my self-conceit. And ( Read more... )

On Sunday, August 29th, acousticshadow2 is running her newly written gothic larp, Nepenthe a Surcease of Sorrow, and still needs two more male players. It looks to be a very dark, twisted game with some very mature themes-- I know that the character I got in it is easily the most intense I've ever had. Jared and I will both be in it, so you'd have the chance to ( Read more... )

I just noticed that Alice filled at Festival! Huzzah! We were missing one player for, like, two weeks. You don't know how pleased and proud I am by the fact that it's a large game that has had four previous runs, and it still fucking fills.

Mike Hyde gets the award for most entertaining casting questionnaires. I am also amused by how many ( Read more... )