druken words are sober thoughts.
I decided to writre in here again.. & I am a little buzed, alot has been going on...
So here's the update!
I am starting beauty school as soon as i can. I smoke alot, and drink maybe more then i should. My best friend is Katie. She's the only person who has been here for me. Although, i feel used most of the time! I lost alot of my friends less then a year. & I lost the love of my life also. It's hard to go on somedays, and somedays i feel like everything will get better. I never thought i'd say it, but I miss high school more then ever. & I wish I could re do my senior year, it probally was one of the worst years. The only good thing that has happend in awhile is that I am going to beauty school, and my finanical aid is covering it all. So it will be free and I won't have to pay it back. I have been looking very hard to get a job. More then people think I have been. I have matured alot. I miss alot of my friends. I never talk to Tiffy much anymore. She's too busy with her family now. She said I have changed alot; and she doesn't like it. I don't understand what she means. I have ideas of what she means though. I never used to smoke, or drink. & Now, I do. I used to be against it. I don't really know what has happend to me. I guess I feel as though I lost my world, and there's no point in alot of things. Smoking & Drinking makes me forget my problems. & I know that's not good. I think i tend to push people away from me when i need them the most. Some people call me alot, and i normally ignore there calls. I guess that's one way of pushing them. I don't understand why though. I've been hurt, and heart broken for awhile now. I can't get forget on how i feel. Nothing ever makes sence. My family is the most important thing to me these days.
My sister and brother are my bestfriends. AND i live in this house with someone i don't trust anymore!.. I wish I could kill my moms boyfriend. I will never like him in a million years. I wish I could tell my sister what happend. It's really hard to even think about it. I love my sister so much. She's the greatest, and she doesn't deserve to be in any pain. I think that I have changed alot!. I tend to get annoying at times, because sometimes i can't stop thinking about something. I am proud of myself though, I honestly hate this kid Jeff, and he wanted me to come over probally so he can fucking molest me=(.. like he did once before. I told him, straight up that I don't like him like that, and I don't want anything to do with him. I feel bad for even talking to him..because of the past. I feel sick to my stomach everytime i think about what has happend. Blah!. I feel like i've been getting fatt. I should stop smoking. It's not good. Alot of people latley tend to walk over me, and take advantage of me. I plan to move to Las Vegas, and I want to as soon as i can to run away from my problems. I never have any one to really talk to about how i am feeling, or no one really cares to listen. Maybe that's why im venting in here. I honestly don't care if anyone wants to read this. This journal is very old. I've had it for a long time, it's crazy what I used to write in here. I can't belive i don't talk to Derek anymore. I miss him, he was sweet and always made me laugh. My best friend Mike makes me laugh alot too these days, but he does tend to be a jerk sometimes too. His friend Mike is pretty cute. I hung out with Matt lupan a few times, and I realized alot. I mean he is really cute! but I don't like him more then a friend. He was always there for me when i'd come to class crying after lunch. So he is a good guy! I hate that i cried alot my senior year. I've had my ups & downs, I feel like my whole world just fell apart the day kyle stoped having feelings for me.. He sort of kept pushing me away. I tended to be more obessive then i ever thought i'd be. I am never obessived over a boy. I missed him, and wanted him so much that I got annoying about it. I never acted that way when we were together!.. I honeslty can say, that i love him. & He'll always remain in my heart. I don't even want to go there, and start talking about him and how much i miss him..
I found out my dad might have cancer. I don't know what im going to do. He is my life, and I love him so much! I am a huge daddys girl!. I already lost someone I love, but he didn't even die and im hurt. I couldn't imagine anything happing to my dad. Life works in mysterious ways.. and The say, everything happens for a reason. I guess I have to learn and grow from my mistakes, and take one step at a time day by day. I could probally go on and on, there are so many things going threw my head right now. & I just wish that i could get another chance at happiness. I have changed alot, i will admit. I got my lip periced the other day. So now, i have 8 pericings.. & One day, hopefully i'll have a tattoo. I don't understand how I am so nice to people, and it always hits me in the face. I would do anything to make someone else happy. Although, no one cares on how im feeling. I don't really know what has happend. What's going on in other peoples heads. I wish he would give me the time of day, to show him i am a better person, i feel as if im not good enough, or pretty enough. I try to stick up for what i want, and belive. I don't want to be like anyone else, I want to be myself and im trying to figure out who that is. I want to live my life, and have fun with it. I don't want to sit at home, and waiste my life away. I want to go out there and I want to experience life. & I wish i could go out there, with the one i love.
I will definatly update this more.
AND hopefully you'll see, that you and i are meant to be.
hold my hand wipe away the tears.
Hold my hand help me fight my fears.
Come with me walk this way.
i need you to stay.
Forget yesterday and forget about the pain.
im scared to ever lose you forever and to be here all alone.
every day without you i try to ecscape the pain.
my heart needs time to mend becuz now the cuts are getting deep and i feel lifeless n dead.
So save me from yesterday, tomorrow, and today.
So here's the update!
I am starting beauty school as soon as i can. I smoke alot, and drink maybe more then i should. My best friend is Katie. She's the only person who has been here for me. Although, i feel used most of the time! I lost alot of my friends less then a year. & I lost the love of my life also. It's hard to go on somedays, and somedays i feel like everything will get better. I never thought i'd say it, but I miss high school more then ever. & I wish I could re do my senior year, it probally was one of the worst years. The only good thing that has happend in awhile is that I am going to beauty school, and my finanical aid is covering it all. So it will be free and I won't have to pay it back. I have been looking very hard to get a job. More then people think I have been. I have matured alot. I miss alot of my friends. I never talk to Tiffy much anymore. She's too busy with her family now. She said I have changed alot; and she doesn't like it. I don't understand what she means. I have ideas of what she means though. I never used to smoke, or drink. & Now, I do. I used to be against it. I don't really know what has happend to me. I guess I feel as though I lost my world, and there's no point in alot of things. Smoking & Drinking makes me forget my problems. & I know that's not good. I think i tend to push people away from me when i need them the most. Some people call me alot, and i normally ignore there calls. I guess that's one way of pushing them. I don't understand why though. I've been hurt, and heart broken for awhile now. I can't get forget on how i feel. Nothing ever makes sence. My family is the most important thing to me these days.
My sister and brother are my bestfriends. AND i live in this house with someone i don't trust anymore!.. I wish I could kill my moms boyfriend. I will never like him in a million years. I wish I could tell my sister what happend. It's really hard to even think about it. I love my sister so much. She's the greatest, and she doesn't deserve to be in any pain. I think that I have changed alot!. I tend to get annoying at times, because sometimes i can't stop thinking about something. I am proud of myself though, I honestly hate this kid Jeff, and he wanted me to come over probally so he can fucking molest me=(.. like he did once before. I told him, straight up that I don't like him like that, and I don't want anything to do with him. I feel bad for even talking to him..because of the past. I feel sick to my stomach everytime i think about what has happend. Blah!. I feel like i've been getting fatt. I should stop smoking. It's not good. Alot of people latley tend to walk over me, and take advantage of me. I plan to move to Las Vegas, and I want to as soon as i can to run away from my problems. I never have any one to really talk to about how i am feeling, or no one really cares to listen. Maybe that's why im venting in here. I honestly don't care if anyone wants to read this. This journal is very old. I've had it for a long time, it's crazy what I used to write in here. I can't belive i don't talk to Derek anymore. I miss him, he was sweet and always made me laugh. My best friend Mike makes me laugh alot too these days, but he does tend to be a jerk sometimes too. His friend Mike is pretty cute. I hung out with Matt lupan a few times, and I realized alot. I mean he is really cute! but I don't like him more then a friend. He was always there for me when i'd come to class crying after lunch. So he is a good guy! I hate that i cried alot my senior year. I've had my ups & downs, I feel like my whole world just fell apart the day kyle stoped having feelings for me.. He sort of kept pushing me away. I tended to be more obessive then i ever thought i'd be. I am never obessived over a boy. I missed him, and wanted him so much that I got annoying about it. I never acted that way when we were together!.. I honeslty can say, that i love him. & He'll always remain in my heart. I don't even want to go there, and start talking about him and how much i miss him..
I found out my dad might have cancer. I don't know what im going to do. He is my life, and I love him so much! I am a huge daddys girl!. I already lost someone I love, but he didn't even die and im hurt. I couldn't imagine anything happing to my dad. Life works in mysterious ways.. and The say, everything happens for a reason. I guess I have to learn and grow from my mistakes, and take one step at a time day by day. I could probally go on and on, there are so many things going threw my head right now. & I just wish that i could get another chance at happiness. I have changed alot, i will admit. I got my lip periced the other day. So now, i have 8 pericings.. & One day, hopefully i'll have a tattoo. I don't understand how I am so nice to people, and it always hits me in the face. I would do anything to make someone else happy. Although, no one cares on how im feeling. I don't really know what has happend. What's going on in other peoples heads. I wish he would give me the time of day, to show him i am a better person, i feel as if im not good enough, or pretty enough. I try to stick up for what i want, and belive. I don't want to be like anyone else, I want to be myself and im trying to figure out who that is. I want to live my life, and have fun with it. I don't want to sit at home, and waiste my life away. I want to go out there and I want to experience life. & I wish i could go out there, with the one i love.
I will definatly update this more.
AND hopefully you'll see, that you and i are meant to be.
hold my hand wipe away the tears.
Hold my hand help me fight my fears.
Come with me walk this way.
i need you to stay.
Forget yesterday and forget about the pain.
im scared to ever lose you forever and to be here all alone.
every day without you i try to ecscape the pain.
my heart needs time to mend becuz now the cuts are getting deep and i feel lifeless n dead.
So save me from yesterday, tomorrow, and today.