*sigh*
I had one of those episodes last night. Y'know, the ones where I spontaneously (and for no apparent reason) burst into tears and can't stop. I fear my dysthymia is morphing into major depression. Great.
I feel more and more like I did in the worse parts of my depression in college -- terrified of the responsibilities of life, convinced of my ineptitude and inability to change. I thought, I should just accept these feelings, say "yes" to them, invite them to tea, whatever. I thought, I should remind myself that this is just a spell that will pass if I just wait it out. I thought, Jeannie said she had great hope that I would be able to get healthier. I wanted to scream and tear out my hair. I could have seizured, I was feeling that violent inside. It felt like an emotional seizure. There's a kind of revelation. Maybe it is like that, something I have no control over so I just have to wait it out.
I am terrified of failure. I am confused and conflicted. I don't know if I want this life I have, and I don't know how to change it anyway.
Thanks to Timm for the band Of Montreal.
I feel more and more like I did in the worse parts of my depression in college -- terrified of the responsibilities of life, convinced of my ineptitude and inability to change. I thought, I should just accept these feelings, say "yes" to them, invite them to tea, whatever. I thought, I should remind myself that this is just a spell that will pass if I just wait it out. I thought, Jeannie said she had great hope that I would be able to get healthier. I wanted to scream and tear out my hair. I could have seizured, I was feeling that violent inside. It felt like an emotional seizure. There's a kind of revelation. Maybe it is like that, something I have no control over so I just have to wait it out.
I am terrified of failure. I am confused and conflicted. I don't know if I want this life I have, and I don't know how to change it anyway.
Thanks to Timm for the band Of Montreal.