I'm not usually this productive when I write
My days off are the worst. So much time alone, unoccupied. I feel such a jumbled mess it's hard to pick the emotions apart. I think disgust is strongest. My teeth are filmy from sweets and tea, all I've eaten today. All I want is a fresh salad. Why didn't I think of that before?
I'm so cold in this house that I don't want to do anything. I can't just sit, so I got myself movies. Mindless indulgences. Couldn't I have done something productive instead? It's just so very hard to work up the courage to motivate myself. Motivation, after all, isn't a state of being. It is ACTING. It is DOING.
I did do something productive though. I called and set up an appointment with a new therapist. I haven't met her or spoken to her, but she's affordable and comes recommended by a friend of a friend, for whatever that's worth. I think anyone will be better than no one. I had to fire my last one because he was too hard. I have noticed the best of my friends know not to come at me head-on. I can deflect anything if I see it coming at me. No, they come around the side with a slyness I would resent if I didn't know I wouldn't be coercible any other way. I admire their brilliance, and wonder that they bother. One day, when I begin to believe the protestations that they care, I may begin to see something of worth in myself.
Anyway, I will see this new woman next week, and we shall see then.
Mom gave me a book I have been trying hard to take to heart. It says, everyone has Buddha nature. Everyone is naturally good. The forces of Chaos, or Mara, trick us into feeling unsure of ourselves and others. The Buddha faced down Mara, welcomed Mara as a part of nature, and thus conquered it. I guess. I'm not Buddhist, so I don't know the stories.
This book tells us to welcome our pain. "Invite it to tea," it says. Hiding in my pain is a sad, lonely little girl who has only wanted love from the beginning. I must be the first to give her the love she needs. I must be the first to embrace her.
[ long pause ]
Okay, I just had some kind of small breakdown. I don't know what it means. It may be a huge breakthrough, or it may just be routine. My image got through to me, though. I feel so much sadness for that little girl. It is no one's fault, but she has felt alone for so, so very long. I can't allow her to feel like that any more.
I'm so cold in this house that I don't want to do anything. I can't just sit, so I got myself movies. Mindless indulgences. Couldn't I have done something productive instead? It's just so very hard to work up the courage to motivate myself. Motivation, after all, isn't a state of being. It is ACTING. It is DOING.
I did do something productive though. I called and set up an appointment with a new therapist. I haven't met her or spoken to her, but she's affordable and comes recommended by a friend of a friend, for whatever that's worth. I think anyone will be better than no one. I had to fire my last one because he was too hard. I have noticed the best of my friends know not to come at me head-on. I can deflect anything if I see it coming at me. No, they come around the side with a slyness I would resent if I didn't know I wouldn't be coercible any other way. I admire their brilliance, and wonder that they bother. One day, when I begin to believe the protestations that they care, I may begin to see something of worth in myself.
Anyway, I will see this new woman next week, and we shall see then.
Mom gave me a book I have been trying hard to take to heart. It says, everyone has Buddha nature. Everyone is naturally good. The forces of Chaos, or Mara, trick us into feeling unsure of ourselves and others. The Buddha faced down Mara, welcomed Mara as a part of nature, and thus conquered it. I guess. I'm not Buddhist, so I don't know the stories.
This book tells us to welcome our pain. "Invite it to tea," it says. Hiding in my pain is a sad, lonely little girl who has only wanted love from the beginning. I must be the first to give her the love she needs. I must be the first to embrace her.
[ long pause ]
Okay, I just had some kind of small breakdown. I don't know what it means. It may be a huge breakthrough, or it may just be routine. My image got through to me, though. I feel so much sadness for that little girl. It is no one's fault, but she has felt alone for so, so very long. I can't allow her to feel like that any more.