(no subject)
So I've said I'm going to bed twice already and I still haven't made it. Laid down a couple of times, but I got right back up. Tonight's been... Well, I'm crashing, pretty much. Today was really good and fun and I got out and went to car races with the family and stuff, and tonight started okay with a couple of good scenes, and then just, ugh. I dunno what sets me off, but it seems like I just kind of build up stuff until one day some little minor thing makes me blow up. Tonight it's just... everything, really. So stressed, so stretched thin, so frustrated. I think I have bad nights after I have good days because the day's, well, good, and then the night's as mediocre as any other night and compared to the day, it just sucks. So I've spent the last half hour with "Right Where It Belongs" on repeat, squalling until I can't breath because my nose is so snotty. Everything just hits at once, I guess.
I was thinking, I used to have a life, you know? Damn it, I used to have RL friends and I think I was even popular, once. And now, I don't have any of that. All I do is sit at home and RP, and what do I have to show for that?
I'neph is fun to RP, but he's not really involved in plots, and that's entirely what Fort Weyr is for, right? So I feel like I'm detracting from the focus of the game, and I start feeling like I'm one of the very people I don't like elsewhere (see below. -.-).
Leading Edge is a whole rant unto itself these days. I haven't been really happy there since, oh, October, back when I created? It seems like staff piddles around and nothing happens--see the first three months of the game, when virtually every decent player idled off because there was nothing going on--and then does a few things, and then piddles again. Finally, after months of nothing happening, there's some plot stuff going on, but I feel out of the loop. I feel like if I don't keep pestering staff to keep me involved, I end up sliding to the background and getting completely ignored. E'sere/I don't matter at all there. Until staff decides to spring something on me like the G'mal scene, where I go in blind and then find out what they've been plotting to do to my character. I feel just plain disconnected from the whole game, actually. I don't bother getting out in public unless someone specifically invites me for a purpose because everything I've seen lately has seemed flatly Days of Our Lives soap-opera shit that I could find just as easily on NC or PW or wherever. Hell, I pretty much keep my knot quiet and don't even +watch lately, and considering how I /hate/ not knowing things, that's a big Something. This game is eating me up inside in a way previously reserved for SC and II.
And R'dur? I volunteered to take over Thunderbolt with him, God knows why. I don't know what I'm doing and I feel like I'm neglecting him already because I haven't RPed him since the hatching. I miss the good ol' days when he and Brijana were getting together/first got together, and I was really clicking with him. I can't even be bothered to get out and play with the weyrlings right now, even though I was their CC and everything.
L'sen, same deal, pretty much. I don't know when the last time I brought him out spontaneously was, either. Bleh. HRW has some really good players and deep characters and I feel like I do them an injustice when I bring L'sen out because he's as shallow and stupid as they come. And that's fun, sometimes, but I feel like I'm missing a whole 'nother level to the RP that's there and I just can't reach it.
Reighley is.... Well, I dunno. Jenna told me the other night Fort's not having a gold, which I'm kinda eh on. I'm gold-only with her, but still. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really disappointed, because I didn't even intend to apply this cycle--I was going to wait one, maybe even two. But no. I can't bear to see something happen without being involved, so I just went ahead and did it on the lark. So it doesn't really bother me that she won't impress this time, because she's young and there's next time and that was the plan, anyway. Except, the other night I had awful dreams about it. It was the hatching, and there was a gold, anyway, and Reighley impressed it, and it turned into a huge shitfest. I think I ended up retconning the impression or something but you know things would never be the same after that and just ugh.
So, yeah. That's my life. It used to be MUSHing was just this fun hobby, something I really enjoyed, and now it's like... I dunno. I didn't really ditch my RL for the games, but I sure haven't made much effort with it. It's easier, I guess, to just go along with the games and not force myself out into the world. I'm terrified about going back to school next month, so I just bury myself in deeper and pretend it's not going to happen. I need a vacation but I just had one and I have one coming up early next month and I really don't want to go after all. I feel like I'm missing something if I'm not connected every second, when all that does is make me miss my real life. I know I have a problem with obsessing over things and letting them eat me up, but I just can't make myself not. Even when I'm not online, I'm usually thinking about it, plotting out scenes or wondering about this new character idea or whatever. And yet, when I am online lately, I just can't be arsed. I have something like four scenes already planned for tomorrow, and I'm almost dreading it.
I was thinking about all the people I've met online a while ago. How many of them do I still talk to from SC? We said we'd stay in touch. Yeah, right. How many from II? Everywhere else? There are people I thought were my best friends and I don't even bother reading their LJs anymore, yet I can't bring myself to unfriend them. I can't move on and in the end I don't want to, which I guess is the whole problem right there.
It's funny. I could never tell anybody this in person, not even my best friend, RL or online (not that I have had one RL in years, since about sixth grade). Yet I can make a public post in my LJ for any anonymous watcher to read. Sad, no?
I was thinking, I used to have a life, you know? Damn it, I used to have RL friends and I think I was even popular, once. And now, I don't have any of that. All I do is sit at home and RP, and what do I have to show for that?
I'neph is fun to RP, but he's not really involved in plots, and that's entirely what Fort Weyr is for, right? So I feel like I'm detracting from the focus of the game, and I start feeling like I'm one of the very people I don't like elsewhere (see below. -.-).
Leading Edge is a whole rant unto itself these days. I haven't been really happy there since, oh, October, back when I created? It seems like staff piddles around and nothing happens--see the first three months of the game, when virtually every decent player idled off because there was nothing going on--and then does a few things, and then piddles again. Finally, after months of nothing happening, there's some plot stuff going on, but I feel out of the loop. I feel like if I don't keep pestering staff to keep me involved, I end up sliding to the background and getting completely ignored. E'sere/I don't matter at all there. Until staff decides to spring something on me like the G'mal scene, where I go in blind and then find out what they've been plotting to do to my character. I feel just plain disconnected from the whole game, actually. I don't bother getting out in public unless someone specifically invites me for a purpose because everything I've seen lately has seemed flatly Days of Our Lives soap-opera shit that I could find just as easily on NC or PW or wherever. Hell, I pretty much keep my knot quiet and don't even +watch lately, and considering how I /hate/ not knowing things, that's a big Something. This game is eating me up inside in a way previously reserved for SC and II.
And R'dur? I volunteered to take over Thunderbolt with him, God knows why. I don't know what I'm doing and I feel like I'm neglecting him already because I haven't RPed him since the hatching. I miss the good ol' days when he and Brijana were getting together/first got together, and I was really clicking with him. I can't even be bothered to get out and play with the weyrlings right now, even though I was their CC and everything.
L'sen, same deal, pretty much. I don't know when the last time I brought him out spontaneously was, either. Bleh. HRW has some really good players and deep characters and I feel like I do them an injustice when I bring L'sen out because he's as shallow and stupid as they come. And that's fun, sometimes, but I feel like I'm missing a whole 'nother level to the RP that's there and I just can't reach it.
Reighley is.... Well, I dunno. Jenna told me the other night Fort's not having a gold, which I'm kinda eh on. I'm gold-only with her, but still. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really disappointed, because I didn't even intend to apply this cycle--I was going to wait one, maybe even two. But no. I can't bear to see something happen without being involved, so I just went ahead and did it on the lark. So it doesn't really bother me that she won't impress this time, because she's young and there's next time and that was the plan, anyway. Except, the other night I had awful dreams about it. It was the hatching, and there was a gold, anyway, and Reighley impressed it, and it turned into a huge shitfest. I think I ended up retconning the impression or something but you know things would never be the same after that and just ugh.
So, yeah. That's my life. It used to be MUSHing was just this fun hobby, something I really enjoyed, and now it's like... I dunno. I didn't really ditch my RL for the games, but I sure haven't made much effort with it. It's easier, I guess, to just go along with the games and not force myself out into the world. I'm terrified about going back to school next month, so I just bury myself in deeper and pretend it's not going to happen. I need a vacation but I just had one and I have one coming up early next month and I really don't want to go after all. I feel like I'm missing something if I'm not connected every second, when all that does is make me miss my real life. I know I have a problem with obsessing over things and letting them eat me up, but I just can't make myself not. Even when I'm not online, I'm usually thinking about it, plotting out scenes or wondering about this new character idea or whatever. And yet, when I am online lately, I just can't be arsed. I have something like four scenes already planned for tomorrow, and I'm almost dreading it.
I was thinking about all the people I've met online a while ago. How many of them do I still talk to from SC? We said we'd stay in touch. Yeah, right. How many from II? Everywhere else? There are people I thought were my best friends and I don't even bother reading their LJs anymore, yet I can't bring myself to unfriend them. I can't move on and in the end I don't want to, which I guess is the whole problem right there.
It's funny. I could never tell anybody this in person, not even my best friend, RL or online (not that I have had one RL in years, since about sixth grade). Yet I can make a public post in my LJ for any anonymous watcher to read. Sad, no?