Counterfeit Dreamers...
I'm one of those people who plays a song over and over again when it
strikes a certain chord. I'd be listening to a favorite CD and all of a
sudden, I rediscover a song. All of a sudden, the words seem to melt
with my mood, my thoughts, my feelings, my circumstances. Sometimes
it's just a verse or the chorus, and then sometimes it's the whole
song. Then I play it over and over again.
Well, this week's song is "Up All Night" by Razorlight. When I pop this CD into my discman, I tend to keep it in there all week. These guys get into my head and it takes an overdose to get them out. Depending on my mood, I also tend to replay "Which Way's Out" and "Golden Touch" quite a lot, but this week is the title song. Maybe it's my insomnia that is attracting to this song, or perhaps, more accurately, it's the reasons behind the insomnia that lead me to resonate with it. Anyway, here are the lyrics. I put my favorite parts in bold.
I lost the sacred feeling but I
Made a couple of friends and now
Our things have never looked so good
Our things have never been so clear
And now I'm alone here
I'm always up all night
And I get music running in my head
And I, I lose the strength to fight
Cause I, I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night
This town is full of counterfeit dreamers
And maybe I'm one too, well I
I keep my hand behind my back when I
I don't know what else to do
The streets that I grew up in, they might mean
Nothing to you, but I
I'll show you where I come from if you please
Just tell me what I'm supposed to do
Cause I, I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night
That sweet and sacred feeling you know
Will never last long
Every time you turn around you'll see
One more part of you, yes it's gone
I need your spirit darling
And lend me your helping hand, and I
I'll meet you in the morning
When I've broken up the band
Cause I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night
And I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night
I've been up all night...
I've had a lot of things on my mind lately and I can't even begin to tackle them all in this one entry. I've thought a lot about relationships, past, present, and future. The other night I was talking to a close friend for a long time on the phone. We were discussing our tendencies to hold on to failing and sometimes abusive relationships. Maybe it's because we love the other person, or maybe it's low self esteem. I'm sure it is both. But, the more I think about it, the more I think it has to do with a lack of explanations. I know that I seek explanations and answers on my path to resolution, mostly explanations of behavior.
I'm old enough to know that feelings and emotions often don't have explanations. I can't explain why I love someone, or why I hate another. I can't explain why I have patience for some and not for others. And I certainly can't explain why I lust after my barrista at Intelligensia more so than I do someone like Brad Pitt. But behavior....behavior is a different story. We are all accountable for how we behave.
I think we both hold on to these relationships because we can't understand the behavior and can't let go until we do. We try so hard to understand it and work with it. On some level, we blame ourselves for the abusive or neglectful behavior and therefore adjust our responses and compromise our needs to make it work, hoping that our behavior with change theirs. But eventually, we come to that point where the explanation doesn't matter anymore. It isn't about us, it's about them. There never will be an explanation. Even if there was, it doesn't undo the damage of the behavior.
We accept the fact that the behavior will not change and make the decision to either allow it or to end the relationship. You really have to look at yourself and accept your own needs. If you love the person, or if you think you do, nothing is harder than accepting that no explanation will suffice and the end is upon you. It takes a lot of self- awareness to do what is honestly best for you. The only behavior you have any control over is your own. That is an extremely lonely feeling. I'm proud of my friend, and I'm proud of myself for being able to do that, no matter how lost or alone one can feel. It's not an easy awareness to own, let alone reach.
I miss my best friend.
Well, this week's song is "Up All Night" by Razorlight. When I pop this CD into my discman, I tend to keep it in there all week. These guys get into my head and it takes an overdose to get them out. Depending on my mood, I also tend to replay "Which Way's Out" and "Golden Touch" quite a lot, but this week is the title song. Maybe it's my insomnia that is attracting to this song, or perhaps, more accurately, it's the reasons behind the insomnia that lead me to resonate with it. Anyway, here are the lyrics. I put my favorite parts in bold.
I lost the sacred feeling but I
Made a couple of friends and now
Our things have never looked so good
Our things have never been so clear
And now I'm alone here
I'm always up all night
And I get music running in my head
And I, I lose the strength to fight
Cause I, I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night
This town is full of counterfeit dreamers
And maybe I'm one too, well I
I keep my hand behind my back when I
I don't know what else to do
The streets that I grew up in, they might mean
Nothing to you, but I
I'll show you where I come from if you please
Just tell me what I'm supposed to do
Cause I, I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night
That sweet and sacred feeling you know
Will never last long
Every time you turn around you'll see
One more part of you, yes it's gone
I need your spirit darling
And lend me your helping hand, and I
I'll meet you in the morning
When I've broken up the band
Cause I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night
And I've been up all night
She's been up all night
We're, we're just up all night
I've been up all night...
I've had a lot of things on my mind lately and I can't even begin to tackle them all in this one entry. I've thought a lot about relationships, past, present, and future. The other night I was talking to a close friend for a long time on the phone. We were discussing our tendencies to hold on to failing and sometimes abusive relationships. Maybe it's because we love the other person, or maybe it's low self esteem. I'm sure it is both. But, the more I think about it, the more I think it has to do with a lack of explanations. I know that I seek explanations and answers on my path to resolution, mostly explanations of behavior.
I'm old enough to know that feelings and emotions often don't have explanations. I can't explain why I love someone, or why I hate another. I can't explain why I have patience for some and not for others. And I certainly can't explain why I lust after my barrista at Intelligensia more so than I do someone like Brad Pitt. But behavior....behavior is a different story. We are all accountable for how we behave.
I think we both hold on to these relationships because we can't understand the behavior and can't let go until we do. We try so hard to understand it and work with it. On some level, we blame ourselves for the abusive or neglectful behavior and therefore adjust our responses and compromise our needs to make it work, hoping that our behavior with change theirs. But eventually, we come to that point where the explanation doesn't matter anymore. It isn't about us, it's about them. There never will be an explanation. Even if there was, it doesn't undo the damage of the behavior.
We accept the fact that the behavior will not change and make the decision to either allow it or to end the relationship. You really have to look at yourself and accept your own needs. If you love the person, or if you think you do, nothing is harder than accepting that no explanation will suffice and the end is upon you. It takes a lot of self- awareness to do what is honestly best for you. The only behavior you have any control over is your own. That is an extremely lonely feeling. I'm proud of my friend, and I'm proud of myself for being able to do that, no matter how lost or alone one can feel. It's not an easy awareness to own, let alone reach.
I miss my best friend.