This isnt for you.
I could never wrap my head around how a breakup works and why it could be such an emotional roller coaster. That night that I made up my mind, you were showering me with compliments and the idea of hoping we can work it out later while you were simultaneously breaking my heart.. But you see, I dont think that's fair. If anything, one should be given a list of faults for them to mull over and learn to work on in future relationships. Yes, it might make the entire situation more stand off ish than one would like, but I believe its way more practical.
The beauty of my job is that there is more than enough alone time to actually appreciate. So when things took a turn for the worse, i essentially ran away from my problems. And while i sat in my hotel room and thought about our last encounter together, i decided to make that list for you and find my own faults.
My biggest fault, which I've noticed has scared off men before, is that I'm too passionate...about everything. The pleasure in doing absolutely nothing, the food i cook and eat. I throw myself into the smiles of people i work with or meet and my friends newborn son. I give everything to the ones that have been apart of my life since i can remember...even those I've known for a few short months. I love to fiercely.
My problem here is that I have no problem with letting it all out. I have nothing to lose other than yours or someone else's denial, which isn't something i fret over anymore because I find the beauty in my own heartbreak.
I believe in God and I believe even more so in fate. If things were meant to work out, then it will inevitably find a way. But given how easy it is for you to barely give me a second thought when I'm so easily replaced by what i can only assume is a smaller waste and an even more vacant mind, then i believe its fate for me to move on and exert my love and energy into others. Myself even. Which is another fault of mine I've taken notice of.
That night I closed the door on you and on any hope I held onto, I cried. But it wasn't for you. It was for me, for letting myself down. I'm obsessed with making myself happy. I spent so much of my teen years and early twenties being unhappy that I refuse to put myself back there again. Yes, a week ago and last night even, I was there in that anger and bitter unhappiness once more. But I feel vindicated in knowing that its out of the way and over with and that I finally let that out. Its rare for someone to put me there, in that place of mind. But it lets me know that Im still living and giving with ever bit of who I am, even when its ugly emotions such as those
Every day I start new. I take my experiences and mold them into myself, I learn from those that disappoint and those that learn to love me back. That accept my jagged edges and quirky behavior. Those that know and understand.....I'm different from most