Descent.
Hey.
I realize already that this is going to sound quite emo... and maybe it is, but I'm trying to get back to my original intent of writing this LJ, so many years ago: recording my thoughts and feelings and observations as well as my goals and projects and accomplishments.
Anyways... I can feel my mood sinking slowly... has been for days, maybe weeks. When I'm in a good mood I don't notice it so much... I feel like today I'm approaching the crossover into negative territory.
Work has a lot to do with it, I think... the past couple weeks have been trying here. Most of the work we have currently involves working in a CAD system I don't know, and designing a car frame with a mind towards crash test performance, something with which I have no experience. Usually I can convert the models into a CAD system I know and work there, if needed... for various reasons, that's not possible this time. We have customers working on-site, and obviously we want to look competent to them - and I am feeling the opposite of that. Today I had to admit that something I was supposed to be working on was not done, and one of our on-site customers picked up my slack. Then I went to my boss and said "I'm in over my head," and explained why.
So yeah - pretty demoralizing. On top of that, there's not much else to be done at the moment, so it's pretty hard to actually spend my time doing something that feels "useful". I have been spending some time working at learning the CAD system that I need to know for this project - that's pretty demoralizing too, I feel like I should be picking it up a lot faster than I am... possibly because I'm used to being pretty proficient in a different CAD system. (Since most of my friends know programming better than CAD: Imagine trying to program something in a language you don't know very well, all the time knowing how easy it would be for you to program it in a language that you use all the time.)
So yeah: not being productive is bad for my mood (I know this from past experience); and not feeling competent is bad for my ego - and thus bad for my mood. Grr.
Work isn't the only factor, though - even if it is where the problem started. I've not been to the gym regularly in about 3 weeks, which - after something like a year of going pretty regularly, and seeing some good results - feels like a pretty big failure. And every day I say "I'm going tomorrow"... and every day I just can't make myself do it. There's a lot of reasons mixed into why... with my mood already depressed, my motivation is also down; when I am unhappy and unmotivated I spend time online instead of doing productive things; when I spend time online I tend to spend a LOT of time online, meaning I am not getting other stuff done, and I am staying up late; when I am unproductive it affects my mood negatively, as mentioned, plus all of the things I was supposed to do now get stacked up, and I feel stressed because I am "getting behind"; when I stay up late I don't get enough sleep, and thus can't get myself up in time to hit the gym before work; I have more energy and feel something like "productive" when I work out - so now that I am used to that, I think lack of working out is making me feel unproductive (= depressed) and low-energy, which (ironically) makes me less likely to go to the gym. A vicious downward spiral.
And then there's the tendency for escapism - when I'm feeling down, angry, depressed, unproductive, etc... I have bursts of "fuck this" where I just want to do something to forget about it - being online is one of those things, but eating, drinking, smoking, and "partying" (when I should not be) are all also possible escapes. Needless to say, none of these things help with the core problem, and most make it worse. None are good for my diet, to start off with, which is (supposed to be) tied to my work out routine. (Work hasn't been helping with my diet, in that while we have customers on-site, they are served lunch, which we are all invited to participate in... and when I am feeling low-energy and pressed for time - because I've been wasting a lot of mine - it's easy to just not prepare a lunch and eat whatever crap they serve.) I don't feel like any of them have become "a problem" in a larger sense, but I also do notice an increase in my desire for "escape" activities, and I really don't WANT any of them to become a problem.
All of which sounds somewhat like depression - maybe it is? It's pretty mild, for sure. But it's enough to be annoying, that's a definite. More irony - the best treatment for depression is probably regular physical exercise. Certainly better, in my mind, than taking medications that screw with all sorts of other things... like my libido. At least sex still makes me happy - well, at least while it's happening.
So, I've got to pull myself out of this somehow... and soon. Gardening season is ramping up, I am already well behind on some of the things I had intended to do in preparation for my garden this year - not to mention plenty of other tasks, from house chores to other personal projects to socializing...
...I just don't know how to motivate myself when I feel like this.
Fortunately, though these low cycles happen to me occasionally, they are usually fairly mild, and they always go away within a few weeks, so... could be a lot worse. Although it seems like they are happening more and more often recently, and that's definitely a concern.
Anyways, I'm not expecting advice or anything - hell, I'm surprised if anyone I know actually made it though my ramblings - but ideas and suggestions are welcome, if you have any.
Later,
B.
I realize already that this is going to sound quite emo... and maybe it is, but I'm trying to get back to my original intent of writing this LJ, so many years ago: recording my thoughts and feelings and observations as well as my goals and projects and accomplishments.
Anyways... I can feel my mood sinking slowly... has been for days, maybe weeks. When I'm in a good mood I don't notice it so much... I feel like today I'm approaching the crossover into negative territory.
Work has a lot to do with it, I think... the past couple weeks have been trying here. Most of the work we have currently involves working in a CAD system I don't know, and designing a car frame with a mind towards crash test performance, something with which I have no experience. Usually I can convert the models into a CAD system I know and work there, if needed... for various reasons, that's not possible this time. We have customers working on-site, and obviously we want to look competent to them - and I am feeling the opposite of that. Today I had to admit that something I was supposed to be working on was not done, and one of our on-site customers picked up my slack. Then I went to my boss and said "I'm in over my head," and explained why.
So yeah - pretty demoralizing. On top of that, there's not much else to be done at the moment, so it's pretty hard to actually spend my time doing something that feels "useful". I have been spending some time working at learning the CAD system that I need to know for this project - that's pretty demoralizing too, I feel like I should be picking it up a lot faster than I am... possibly because I'm used to being pretty proficient in a different CAD system. (Since most of my friends know programming better than CAD: Imagine trying to program something in a language you don't know very well, all the time knowing how easy it would be for you to program it in a language that you use all the time.)
So yeah: not being productive is bad for my mood (I know this from past experience); and not feeling competent is bad for my ego - and thus bad for my mood. Grr.
Work isn't the only factor, though - even if it is where the problem started. I've not been to the gym regularly in about 3 weeks, which - after something like a year of going pretty regularly, and seeing some good results - feels like a pretty big failure. And every day I say "I'm going tomorrow"... and every day I just can't make myself do it. There's a lot of reasons mixed into why... with my mood already depressed, my motivation is also down; when I am unhappy and unmotivated I spend time online instead of doing productive things; when I spend time online I tend to spend a LOT of time online, meaning I am not getting other stuff done, and I am staying up late; when I am unproductive it affects my mood negatively, as mentioned, plus all of the things I was supposed to do now get stacked up, and I feel stressed because I am "getting behind"; when I stay up late I don't get enough sleep, and thus can't get myself up in time to hit the gym before work; I have more energy and feel something like "productive" when I work out - so now that I am used to that, I think lack of working out is making me feel unproductive (= depressed) and low-energy, which (ironically) makes me less likely to go to the gym. A vicious downward spiral.
And then there's the tendency for escapism - when I'm feeling down, angry, depressed, unproductive, etc... I have bursts of "fuck this" where I just want to do something to forget about it - being online is one of those things, but eating, drinking, smoking, and "partying" (when I should not be) are all also possible escapes. Needless to say, none of these things help with the core problem, and most make it worse. None are good for my diet, to start off with, which is (supposed to be) tied to my work out routine. (Work hasn't been helping with my diet, in that while we have customers on-site, they are served lunch, which we are all invited to participate in... and when I am feeling low-energy and pressed for time - because I've been wasting a lot of mine - it's easy to just not prepare a lunch and eat whatever crap they serve.) I don't feel like any of them have become "a problem" in a larger sense, but I also do notice an increase in my desire for "escape" activities, and I really don't WANT any of them to become a problem.
All of which sounds somewhat like depression - maybe it is? It's pretty mild, for sure. But it's enough to be annoying, that's a definite. More irony - the best treatment for depression is probably regular physical exercise. Certainly better, in my mind, than taking medications that screw with all sorts of other things... like my libido. At least sex still makes me happy - well, at least while it's happening.
So, I've got to pull myself out of this somehow... and soon. Gardening season is ramping up, I am already well behind on some of the things I had intended to do in preparation for my garden this year - not to mention plenty of other tasks, from house chores to other personal projects to socializing...
...I just don't know how to motivate myself when I feel like this.
Fortunately, though these low cycles happen to me occasionally, they are usually fairly mild, and they always go away within a few weeks, so... could be a lot worse. Although it seems like they are happening more and more often recently, and that's definitely a concern.
Anyways, I'm not expecting advice or anything - hell, I'm surprised if anyone I know actually made it though my ramblings - but ideas and suggestions are welcome, if you have any.
Later,
B.