February 6 -- Walks with my legs
Dear Diary,
Not much has changed with the whole cult situation. Oliver and I need to sit down and talk to Marius at length about what we know and what he knows so we can figure something out. The waiting is decidedly the worst part, but then, waiting is something I tend to do this time of year.
Smells bring it back, you know. The smell of oiled wood, the smell of sawdust. It's the smell that reminded me this morning what happened...that horrible cologne that they sell this time of year. It smells worse than the dead, and that cologne being around is probably why Oliver's smell didn't bother me as badly at first as it could have. After that stuff is gone from the air, just about anything smells like roses.
It was sunny that day. I remember because I felt the sun on parts of me that don't usually feel sunlight, and it was colder than the boat, even though it was the sun. I wanted something to cover up with, but I was afraid that if I stopped anywhere along the way, he'd find me and drag me back. I remember my wrists hurt like hell because I'd been tied up all night. There were red marks on my wrists, deep red marks. Welts that cut almost down to the muscle. I could've healed them easily, if it happened now, but if I look at my arms in the right light, I think I can still see the scars.
I got lucky. The night before, he was angry and just made a mess of things, and somehow, some piece of glass landed close enough for me to cut the ropes off my hands. I was lucky that nobody was on the ship to stop me. I was lucky that Urien and his friends were coming to find me as I was walking, stark naked, through Arathi.
I don't remember much about the days that followed, except the smell, that awful cologne smell. It felt like I was underwater or in a glass box that kept me apart from the rest of the world. Some things tried to break through...Stehl teaching me to meditate, Radok's gifts, that smell of cologne, always that smell. I liked things breaking through but more than that, I liked when they didn't. Whenever they broke through, I remembered the hole. I'd forget for a little while and then I would just remember and it would hurt like hell.
It was February 22. I think. Oliver and I had been talking for a while before that...he helped me with a crossword puzzle, back before it happened, and we'd talked a lot before that. I remember I'd been trying to help him with some Night Elf girl...I don't remember her name at all...who couldn't speak Common and wanted to take a bath. I think. Right after I joined Echo. He helped me figure out my comm. I didn't feel a lot for him then...I liked him, I know, but I didn't think much of him beyond that. Just that he was a nice man.
We'd made plans to get drinks for some "intelligent conversation." A year later, I know I can still go to him for that. A year later, I still know that if the rest of the world is driving me mad, I can look at Oliver and find some stability. Something bracing. Something real. Anyway, I remember that Cathedral Square was madness for some reason, so we slipped away and got drinks. Light, we were just sitting there, talking and laughing and then dancing until...it must've been two or three in the morning. Much later at night than I'd usually been staying up. Much later than I've often stayed up since, save for a few nights when everything went pear-shaped.
He couldn't believe then that I'd want to be near him. He still can't believe it. He thinks I'm mad. I know he feels me writing this and isn't at all ashamed of thinking this, since he's told me as much many times. Light, perhaps I was. I know I felt every bit of hollowness a person can feel, inside and out. And I know it was wrong of me to try and fill that hole with Oliver.
But perhaps that's the reason this all happened. Perhaps that's the reason for Mystadon and Fortress...so that I could be an idiot and dance with a dead man and let him sweep me off my feet, and so that he could be an idiot and stay close to me even when it might mean my death. It was probably idiocy that got us started heading where we are but I'm glad to have him, just the same. I don't know that I'd have done it differently...I might've been less stupid, I might've thought more or slowed down, but...
Well. Hell or high water, since we've seen both recently, I'm lucky to have him.
-S.
Not much has changed with the whole cult situation. Oliver and I need to sit down and talk to Marius at length about what we know and what he knows so we can figure something out. The waiting is decidedly the worst part, but then, waiting is something I tend to do this time of year.
Smells bring it back, you know. The smell of oiled wood, the smell of sawdust. It's the smell that reminded me this morning what happened...that horrible cologne that they sell this time of year. It smells worse than the dead, and that cologne being around is probably why Oliver's smell didn't bother me as badly at first as it could have. After that stuff is gone from the air, just about anything smells like roses.
It was sunny that day. I remember because I felt the sun on parts of me that don't usually feel sunlight, and it was colder than the boat, even though it was the sun. I wanted something to cover up with, but I was afraid that if I stopped anywhere along the way, he'd find me and drag me back. I remember my wrists hurt like hell because I'd been tied up all night. There were red marks on my wrists, deep red marks. Welts that cut almost down to the muscle. I could've healed them easily, if it happened now, but if I look at my arms in the right light, I think I can still see the scars.
I got lucky. The night before, he was angry and just made a mess of things, and somehow, some piece of glass landed close enough for me to cut the ropes off my hands. I was lucky that nobody was on the ship to stop me. I was lucky that Urien and his friends were coming to find me as I was walking, stark naked, through Arathi.
I don't remember much about the days that followed, except the smell, that awful cologne smell. It felt like I was underwater or in a glass box that kept me apart from the rest of the world. Some things tried to break through...Stehl teaching me to meditate, Radok's gifts, that smell of cologne, always that smell. I liked things breaking through but more than that, I liked when they didn't. Whenever they broke through, I remembered the hole. I'd forget for a little while and then I would just remember and it would hurt like hell.
It was February 22. I think. Oliver and I had been talking for a while before that...he helped me with a crossword puzzle, back before it happened, and we'd talked a lot before that. I remember I'd been trying to help him with some Night Elf girl...I don't remember her name at all...who couldn't speak Common and wanted to take a bath. I think. Right after I joined Echo. He helped me figure out my comm. I didn't feel a lot for him then...I liked him, I know, but I didn't think much of him beyond that. Just that he was a nice man.
We'd made plans to get drinks for some "intelligent conversation." A year later, I know I can still go to him for that. A year later, I still know that if the rest of the world is driving me mad, I can look at Oliver and find some stability. Something bracing. Something real. Anyway, I remember that Cathedral Square was madness for some reason, so we slipped away and got drinks. Light, we were just sitting there, talking and laughing and then dancing until...it must've been two or three in the morning. Much later at night than I'd usually been staying up. Much later than I've often stayed up since, save for a few nights when everything went pear-shaped.
He couldn't believe then that I'd want to be near him. He still can't believe it. He thinks I'm mad. I know he feels me writing this and isn't at all ashamed of thinking this, since he's told me as much many times. Light, perhaps I was. I know I felt every bit of hollowness a person can feel, inside and out. And I know it was wrong of me to try and fill that hole with Oliver.
But perhaps that's the reason this all happened. Perhaps that's the reason for Mystadon and Fortress...so that I could be an idiot and dance with a dead man and let him sweep me off my feet, and so that he could be an idiot and stay close to me even when it might mean my death. It was probably idiocy that got us started heading where we are but I'm glad to have him, just the same. I don't know that I'd have done it differently...I might've been less stupid, I might've thought more or slowed down, but...
Well. Hell or high water, since we've seen both recently, I'm lucky to have him.
-S.