February 1 -- Twelve Days
Dear Diary,
When I allow myself to go outside of myself, it doesn't seem so horrible, not really. So far, I know that my company and friends will be alright. Marius will be alright. And now, after last night, Llew will be alright.
I'd read, of course, about the process of drawing out Guardians and training them to protect, defend, and cleanse, but until last night, it'd only been something I'd had done to me, not something I'd done for someone else. I had planned to do something like that for Dizzy, back before everything went (as Lius used to say) "pear-shaped," but obviously, my chances to do that are all but gone. Even if Ariadine is nothing but an exceptionally powerful Imprint, or whatever she is, I've no access to that mind, and at this point, I wouldn't trust myself even if I did. I have to keep telling myself that the voice I heard on the comm wasn't Dizzy; it was Ariadine, using her body and voice to do horrible things.
If I remind myself of that, I don't want to hurt her.
But that's not important right now. Last night, I helped Llew. I knew that the imprints she'd left in his mind were tormenting him, making it so he couldn't sleep, so I did what Marius did for me: I let the darker side of me into his mind to draw out his darker side, and together, we destroyed every. last. one. of the things she left to make sure he couldn't move on. It was exhilirating...how is it that connecting with that side of a person is always so...I haven't even got the words to describe it. It makes me feel more alive, somehow, like I've been sleeping for years and now am awake again.
Perhaps it's because when this happens, I always find myself in control of the situation. The only one I allow myself to be controlled by, in any sense, is and will always be Oliver. He's earned that privilege simply by loving me.
...Light, what am I writing.
I finally know what this Apophan thing looks like. He's terrifying, Diary, truly terrifying and Light help me if I don't expect to piss myself if I ever do see him face-to-face. But after last night, after knowing how many people are pulling for me to succeed in this, to fight back, I'm less afraid. I'd still like to avoid the thing, if I can, but I'm not as afraid as I was. Perhaps it's because I know that I can do nothing...and why fear when I know it will change nothing?
-S.
- fix Llew
- make love to Oliver many times
- talk to Marius
- talk to Stehl
- talk to Riley
- relinquish control of company
- talk to Dad
(( log of Senkha & Llew: here! ))
When I allow myself to go outside of myself, it doesn't seem so horrible, not really. So far, I know that my company and friends will be alright. Marius will be alright. And now, after last night, Llew will be alright.
I'd read, of course, about the process of drawing out Guardians and training them to protect, defend, and cleanse, but until last night, it'd only been something I'd had done to me, not something I'd done for someone else. I had planned to do something like that for Dizzy, back before everything went (as Lius used to say) "pear-shaped," but obviously, my chances to do that are all but gone. Even if Ariadine is nothing but an exceptionally powerful Imprint, or whatever she is, I've no access to that mind, and at this point, I wouldn't trust myself even if I did. I have to keep telling myself that the voice I heard on the comm wasn't Dizzy; it was Ariadine, using her body and voice to do horrible things.
If I remind myself of that, I don't want to hurt her.
But that's not important right now. Last night, I helped Llew. I knew that the imprints she'd left in his mind were tormenting him, making it so he couldn't sleep, so I did what Marius did for me: I let the darker side of me into his mind to draw out his darker side, and together, we destroyed every. last. one. of the things she left to make sure he couldn't move on. It was exhilirating...how is it that connecting with that side of a person is always so...I haven't even got the words to describe it. It makes me feel more alive, somehow, like I've been sleeping for years and now am awake again.
Perhaps it's because when this happens, I always find myself in control of the situation. The only one I allow myself to be controlled by, in any sense, is and will always be Oliver. He's earned that privilege simply by loving me.
...Light, what am I writing.
I finally know what this Apophan thing looks like. He's terrifying, Diary, truly terrifying and Light help me if I don't expect to piss myself if I ever do see him face-to-face. But after last night, after knowing how many people are pulling for me to succeed in this, to fight back, I'm less afraid. I'd still like to avoid the thing, if I can, but I'm not as afraid as I was. Perhaps it's because I know that I can do nothing...and why fear when I know it will change nothing?
-S.
- fix Llew
- make love to Oliver many times
- talk to Marius
- talk to Stehl
- talk to Riley
- relinquish control of company
- talk to Dad
(( log of Senkha & Llew: here! ))