July 21 -- Where do I belong?
Dear Diary,
I'm terrifically pensive lately, so I apologize that I'm not going to ramble on about some grand adventure in here (at least not one that has anything to do with extracerebral activities) and will instead talk about my feelings. How terrifying, right?
First.
Dad and Shepard found Alma. They found her and apparently, she is in Stormwind right now. It's taking all the willpower Dad has for him to not run through the streets and find her and hold her again, but he's afraid of how she'll react to his current state of being, and understandably so. If I'd been in Gilneas, I wouldn't be too excited about encountering an undead man, if he was my husband or not. But then again, if it was Oliver, wild stallions couldn't keep me away. So...
Well, I asked if I should talk to her first, try and warm her up to the idea and explain things so that she won't be so afraid, but Dad said that things should happen as they happen and I'm alright with this. And then he asked me to do him and my mother a favor and go poking around in Shepard's mind.
There are many things weird about this, so let me go through them:
1. My mother. He's already calling Alma my mother. I know it follows logically, I know it makes sense, but... well, what if she doesn't want me? What if somehow, she automatically understands everything about me that made my biological mother hate me and doesn't want me because of it? I mean, I can stand that. I don't have a mother now, and I don't know that I need one, but Dad keeps calling her my mother and if I have to have a mother, I'd like for it to be Alma, without even knowing everything about her. I just... what if she doesn't want me? And why would she want me?
2. Dad asked me to go poking around in Shepard's mind. This obviously means that he is extremely worried about Shepard (deservedly so, but I'll get to that in a minute) because up until this point, any discussion of me going into people's minds has been met with... well, disdain to be polite. Dad doesn't like it. He thinks it's a form of magic (it's not; magic falls into two schools, divine and arcane, and since it isn't arcane--I can't draw on the arcane--then it would only be divine, but if it's divine, it would have to derive from excessive devotion to one thing or another, and the only religious thing I'm at all devoted to is the Church of the Light and we know it's not Light magic, so it's not magic) and he doesn't trust it because of that, but if he's worried enough to ask that of me...
Well, anyway. I did as Dad asked and went to visit Shepard. He was, as Dad explained, unconscious, and so I did poke around in his mind. And let me just get this down, for the record:
My nephew has the most amazing mind of anyone I've ever encountered, including Marius.
No, I'm serious. It's like he had an interior decorator come and make it all so delightful, like a mental wonderland. It's all arranged to be like a fine Gilnean mansion (living in Surwich, you get to know Gilnean architecture and design pretty well), with all of those memories that plagued him hung up on the walls as portraits that move when you look at them. I've encountered both Guardians and Imprints in there and they're so wonderful and symbolic that I could honestly just spend hours marveling at it.
For example, his Guardian(s)? Characters from his stories. I recognized the Slender Man and the Beggar, but not the others. Do you know how much more amazing that is than all the others I've seen? I've never actually seen mine, just heard her, and I know she likes pain and I know she laughs a lot and wants to fuck every single brain she encounters. Which is dumb. I've seen Ximos and Ximos is terrifying. I've encountered Virh and Shadow and neither of them have much more form than a shadow. Shepard's mind? SO AMAZING.
So anyway, in his mind, there are also two... well, I don't know that I'd call them Imprints, though I suppose they could be self-created Imprints, which (Light, I wish I could talk to Marius without feeling like I'm imposing on him or something... I know I'm in the Sigil now, but it feels untoward for me to bother him about all of this when he's just lost his wife and life and Ziichi's off being a hero and there are pancakes to be made) means it's just a slightly adjusted version of the same principle. Anyway, his Guardians (and his subconscious, who is actually a younger version of Alma, but her name is Amla. Which is clever) basically informed me that he has to get these two Imprints to merge with the essence of who he is before he can wake up.
Confused? Great, me too!
Well, I'm not really. It's the same principle as with Dizzy, only this time it's not putting together halves of the mind of the girl who's my daughter but also tortured me so I am biased somehow but I don't know how. One Imprint is a man in chains that looks like an emaciated Shepard in his human form but he has a mask over his chest. The other is a feral worgen. Obviously, Shepard merely needs to accept that these are both a part of him and embrace that his past has shaped him into the man he is today. Or...something similarly inspiring and heroic.
I would've helped with it last night, but Shepard told me he didn't trust me. He says he used to, but things changed, and even though I promised I wouldn't hurt him, he claimed that if William could hurt him, why couldn't I?
It's the same argument Dad used, and I really don't have anything against it. I destroy everything I love and hurt everyone I love. Why should Shepard trust me? Even with that so
Lightdamnit, Senkha, you are an idiot.
He was just saying that he missed me. And then I up and ran off because I thought he was afraid or had talked to Dad or something. But he was just saying he missed me.
Lightdamnit.
Lightdamnit, I need to go back and make things right. And I need to bring Wilhiem with me so that Shepard can get this mess fixed, since he doesn't want to try it without Wilhiem, since Wil's become his father figure of sorts. Which means that Wilhiem and I have to make up because the other night, Oliver told some Gnome that Wil was an undead bodysnatcher and I went along with it, and Wil was not impressed.
But I did send him a box of bugs in tophats, so I hope that helped.
Being more pensive now. I think I've kind of lost my place.
I don't know why it feels this way. I don't know that I ever had a place to begin with. It just feels like about any hole that could fit me has been filled, save for the roles of "Oliver's wife" and "Nialos' daughter." I don't know if that's really true, but it certainly feels that way. It feels like... like if I try to step into the roles I played before I got kidnapped No, let's be honest, Senkha. Before Dizzy.
It feels like if I try to step into the roles I played before Dizzy, I'll only be told "the position has been filled" and just stand there, smiling awkwardly, until someone ushers me away. Does Marius need a student anymore? Does the world need another knife fighter? Does Llew need his cousin? Does Arubrey need his twin? Does anyone really need me any longer or am I obsolete?
Questions. And I don't know how to answer them, except that I healed Oliver again last night. Mended. Whatever. At least that will remain constant. No matter how lost I might otherwise be, I know I'll always have a place in his arms.
-S.
I'm terrifically pensive lately, so I apologize that I'm not going to ramble on about some grand adventure in here (at least not one that has anything to do with extracerebral activities) and will instead talk about my feelings. How terrifying, right?
First.
Dad and Shepard found Alma. They found her and apparently, she is in Stormwind right now. It's taking all the willpower Dad has for him to not run through the streets and find her and hold her again, but he's afraid of how she'll react to his current state of being, and understandably so. If I'd been in Gilneas, I wouldn't be too excited about encountering an undead man, if he was my husband or not. But then again, if it was Oliver, wild stallions couldn't keep me away. So...
Well, I asked if I should talk to her first, try and warm her up to the idea and explain things so that she won't be so afraid, but Dad said that things should happen as they happen and I'm alright with this. And then he asked me to do him and my mother a favor and go poking around in Shepard's mind.
There are many things weird about this, so let me go through them:
1. My mother. He's already calling Alma my mother. I know it follows logically, I know it makes sense, but... well, what if she doesn't want me? What if somehow, she automatically understands everything about me that made my biological mother hate me and doesn't want me because of it? I mean, I can stand that. I don't have a mother now, and I don't know that I need one, but Dad keeps calling her my mother and if I have to have a mother, I'd like for it to be Alma, without even knowing everything about her. I just... what if she doesn't want me? And why would she want me?
2. Dad asked me to go poking around in Shepard's mind. This obviously means that he is extremely worried about Shepard (deservedly so, but I'll get to that in a minute) because up until this point, any discussion of me going into people's minds has been met with... well, disdain to be polite. Dad doesn't like it. He thinks it's a form of magic (it's not; magic falls into two schools, divine and arcane, and since it isn't arcane--I can't draw on the arcane--then it would only be divine, but if it's divine, it would have to derive from excessive devotion to one thing or another, and the only religious thing I'm at all devoted to is the Church of the Light and we know it's not Light magic, so it's not magic) and he doesn't trust it because of that, but if he's worried enough to ask that of me...
Well, anyway. I did as Dad asked and went to visit Shepard. He was, as Dad explained, unconscious, and so I did poke around in his mind. And let me just get this down, for the record:
My nephew has the most amazing mind of anyone I've ever encountered, including Marius.
No, I'm serious. It's like he had an interior decorator come and make it all so delightful, like a mental wonderland. It's all arranged to be like a fine Gilnean mansion (living in Surwich, you get to know Gilnean architecture and design pretty well), with all of those memories that plagued him hung up on the walls as portraits that move when you look at them. I've encountered both Guardians and Imprints in there and they're so wonderful and symbolic that I could honestly just spend hours marveling at it.
For example, his Guardian(s)? Characters from his stories. I recognized the Slender Man and the Beggar, but not the others. Do you know how much more amazing that is than all the others I've seen? I've never actually seen mine, just heard her, and I know she likes pain and I know she laughs a lot and wants to fuck every single brain she encounters. Which is dumb. I've seen Ximos and Ximos is terrifying. I've encountered Virh and Shadow and neither of them have much more form than a shadow. Shepard's mind? SO AMAZING.
So anyway, in his mind, there are also two... well, I don't know that I'd call them Imprints, though I suppose they could be self-created Imprints, which (Light, I wish I could talk to Marius without feeling like I'm imposing on him or something... I know I'm in the Sigil now, but it feels untoward for me to bother him about all of this when he's just lost his wife and life and Ziichi's off being a hero and there are pancakes to be made) means it's just a slightly adjusted version of the same principle. Anyway, his Guardians (and his subconscious, who is actually a younger version of Alma, but her name is Amla. Which is clever) basically informed me that he has to get these two Imprints to merge with the essence of who he is before he can wake up.
Confused? Great, me too!
Well, I'm not really. It's the same principle as with Dizzy, only this time it's not putting together halves of the mind of the girl who's my daughter but also tortured me so I am biased somehow but I don't know how. One Imprint is a man in chains that looks like an emaciated Shepard in his human form but he has a mask over his chest. The other is a feral worgen. Obviously, Shepard merely needs to accept that these are both a part of him and embrace that his past has shaped him into the man he is today. Or...something similarly inspiring and heroic.
I would've helped with it last night, but Shepard told me he didn't trust me. He says he used to, but things changed, and even though I promised I wouldn't hurt him, he claimed that if William could hurt him, why couldn't I?
It's the same argument Dad used, and I really don't have anything against it. I destroy everything I love and hurt everyone I love. Why should Shepard trust me? Even with that so
Lightdamnit, Senkha, you are an idiot.
He was just saying that he missed me. And then I up and ran off because I thought he was afraid or had talked to Dad or something. But he was just saying he missed me.
Lightdamnit.
Lightdamnit, I need to go back and make things right. And I need to bring Wilhiem with me so that Shepard can get this mess fixed, since he doesn't want to try it without Wilhiem, since Wil's become his father figure of sorts. Which means that Wilhiem and I have to make up because the other night, Oliver told some Gnome that Wil was an undead bodysnatcher and I went along with it, and Wil was not impressed.
But I did send him a box of bugs in tophats, so I hope that helped.
Being more pensive now. I think I've kind of lost my place.
I don't know why it feels this way. I don't know that I ever had a place to begin with. It just feels like about any hole that could fit me has been filled, save for the roles of "Oliver's wife" and "Nialos' daughter." I don't know if that's really true, but it certainly feels that way. It feels like... like if I try to step into the roles I played before I got kidnapped No, let's be honest, Senkha. Before Dizzy.
It feels like if I try to step into the roles I played before Dizzy, I'll only be told "the position has been filled" and just stand there, smiling awkwardly, until someone ushers me away. Does Marius need a student anymore? Does the world need another knife fighter? Does Llew need his cousin? Does Arubrey need his twin? Does anyone really need me any longer or am I obsolete?
Questions. And I don't know how to answer them, except that I healed Oliver again last night. Mended. Whatever. At least that will remain constant. No matter how lost I might otherwise be, I know I'll always have a place in his arms.
-S.