June 28 -- So I stayed in the darkness with you
Soundtrack
Dear Diary,
In the past year, I have learned a great deal about impossible things.
For example, I have learned that I can love and need a dead man more than I have ever loved or needed a living person in my life. This is impossible.
I have learned that the idea of losing the dead man from my life hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced, and I have experienced the most exquisite of pains in this past year. This is impossible.
I have learned that my mind is more powerful, by far, than my body. My mind could bring an army to its knees if I trained it well enough. I would never want that. I fear my own mind. This is impossible.
I have learned that I require a father in my life, even if he is also a dead man, even if he is blindingly angry with me at times. And I have learned that hurting him hurts almost as much as the thought of losing my husband. This is impossible.
I have learned that I hurt people more when I do not wield daggers or poisons than I do when I fight. This is impossible.
I have learned that causing pain to other people hurts more than receiving pain upon myself. This is impossible.
I have learned that blood is merely blood and that the family of choice will always--always--be stronger than the family of birth. This is impossible.
I have learned that I am capable of true evil and fall to it far more often than I would like to admit, even if I am less bitchy than my twin sister. This is impossible.
I have learned that, at the end of the day, whether by accident or by design, I will cause pain to the people I love, excruciating pain, and that sometimes, I enjoy doing so, as much as it hurts me. This is impossible.
I have learned that the lash doesn’t sting so sweetly from another’s hand, not nearly as sweetly as it stings from my own, even as it breaks my flesh hard enough that I see nothing but white and glory. This is impossible.
I have learned that my husband can be angry with me. This is impossible (believe it or not).
I have learned what the darkest parts of my heart look like. I have learned that I am capable of wishing to leave my husband to save him from more pain. This is impossible.
But
I have learned that even when my words and actions destroy him at his core, Oliver does not want me to leave him.
I have learned that the dead man I fell in love with is as desperate to keep me as I am to keep him, that he fears being without me every bit as much as I fear being without him.
I have learned that a frozen cell in Acherus, one that used to house a monster that haunted my dreams, can be more comforting and beautiful than my home’s hearth, despite being nothing but ice and darkness.
I have learned that just as Oliver says he likes to hurt me because he knows that no matter what he does, I’ll always forgive him, he will always forgive me. That is how he knows I will always forgive him.
I have learned that in death’s arms, I can find new life.
This is impossible.
-S.
LOG: Senkha and Oliver in Acherus: here
Dear Diary,
In the past year, I have learned a great deal about impossible things.
For example, I have learned that I can love and need a dead man more than I have ever loved or needed a living person in my life. This is impossible.
I have learned that the idea of losing the dead man from my life hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced, and I have experienced the most exquisite of pains in this past year. This is impossible.
I have learned that my mind is more powerful, by far, than my body. My mind could bring an army to its knees if I trained it well enough. I would never want that. I fear my own mind. This is impossible.
I have learned that I require a father in my life, even if he is also a dead man, even if he is blindingly angry with me at times. And I have learned that hurting him hurts almost as much as the thought of losing my husband. This is impossible.
I have learned that I hurt people more when I do not wield daggers or poisons than I do when I fight. This is impossible.
I have learned that causing pain to other people hurts more than receiving pain upon myself. This is impossible.
I have learned that blood is merely blood and that the family of choice will always--always--be stronger than the family of birth. This is impossible.
I have learned that I am capable of true evil and fall to it far more often than I would like to admit, even if I am less bitchy than my twin sister. This is impossible.
I have learned that, at the end of the day, whether by accident or by design, I will cause pain to the people I love, excruciating pain, and that sometimes, I enjoy doing so, as much as it hurts me. This is impossible.
I have learned that the lash doesn’t sting so sweetly from another’s hand, not nearly as sweetly as it stings from my own, even as it breaks my flesh hard enough that I see nothing but white and glory. This is impossible.
I have learned that my husband can be angry with me. This is impossible (believe it or not).
I have learned what the darkest parts of my heart look like. I have learned that I am capable of wishing to leave my husband to save him from more pain. This is impossible.
But
I have learned that even when my words and actions destroy him at his core, Oliver does not want me to leave him.
I have learned that the dead man I fell in love with is as desperate to keep me as I am to keep him, that he fears being without me every bit as much as I fear being without him.
I have learned that a frozen cell in Acherus, one that used to house a monster that haunted my dreams, can be more comforting and beautiful than my home’s hearth, despite being nothing but ice and darkness.
I have learned that just as Oliver says he likes to hurt me because he knows that no matter what he does, I’ll always forgive him, he will always forgive me. That is how he knows I will always forgive him.
I have learned that in death’s arms, I can find new life.
This is impossible.
-S.
LOG: Senkha and Oliver in Acherus: here